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I've been involved with Al-Anon for less than a year, I realize I still have much to learn and sometimes find it difficult speaking up or reaching out about sensitive matters such as this so I'm asking for your suggestions or shared experiences so I can hopefully gain some inspiration and insight on this matter.
My boyfriend of a year and a half (I'm 33, he's 39) had been cheating on me while he had been using, mainly with one particular female he was using with. Last July, they were together... he ended up in jail, she ended up taking (stealing) his truck for about 3 weeks and racked up a couple thousand dollars of unauthorized charges on his credit cards.
Thankfully, my boyfriend hit a bottom, became clean and sober (recently celebrating 6 amazingly beautiful months clean), and during the couple months he was in jail we began to start the healing process of repairing and rebuilding our relationship. He proceeded with pressing charges on her for grand theft, etc. and she now has a warrant out for her arrest. Since we live in a small town, word travels fast, plus he's been highly involved with the local N.A./A.A. community for years, we found out she was/is currently in a live-in recovery program about a half an hour away, and plans on moving back to town when she finished.
This is where the grey area lies for me... it seemed inevitable that they would run into each other, if not just generally in town, then for sure at local A.A/N.A. meetings and events. In fact, my boyfriend and I had just discussed this, yet again, a couple of hours ago as he planned to attend an out of town N.A. event tonight. He had asked around and it didn't seem like she was going to be there. Therefore, the coast was clear. But it wasn't... she IS there. Right now... in the same room, with him.
He send me a text immediately saying "Damn just my luck she is here. No worries just walked right past her. Love u. Don't worry please. Just trying to be honest with you."
He has repeatedly said he wants nothing to do with her, that she is neither a threat to our relationship or to his recovery. Yet, I am still very upset at the moment. I feel extremely uncomfortable that they are in the same room.
I had pointed out beforehand that if she were to be there tonight that he could rightfully call the police and they would arrest her on site (she has a warrant out for her arrest) but he said he wouldn't want to cause that type of scene at an N.A. event and that he's "already done his part." I found that very hurtful too, maybe as if that would, in itself, be an act of protecting her and dishonoring me. I do realize that my feelings are still very fresh and raw and I do feel very vengeful at times about the situation, but it generally is getting easier every day.
I want to get back to work on how to move forward in a healthy way. What are reasonable boundaries going here on out? Is it reasonable that if he's at an A.A./N.A. meeting or event and she shows up, I ask that he leave it?
He had been in N.A. for years, but it was suggested that he start going to A.A. instead which seems to be working out very well, but every once in awhile he attends N.A. because he knows a lot of people there... this is mainly where she attends... N.A. meetings/events... is it reasonable I ask that he stop attending N.A. all together and only go to A.A. meetings/events?
He has a wonderful sponsor who he seems to respect and is very close with. I'm thankful for that and for the fact that his sponsor also has a lot of experience with Al-Anon. Is it reasonable for me to ask him to have a conversation with his sponsor about our current relationship boundary issues?
I feel like I am having a very difficult time identifying and communicating my specific concerns about all this to my boyfriend in a way he understands, perhaps because my feelings are still so fresh and raw, I tend to break down when we start talking about it and then loose track of my thoughts. He makes comments like "you don't have to worry" "I'm not going to let her interfere with my recovery" "you need to learn to deal with this" and seems unwilling to leave a meeting if she's there as well. He's at the event now, understanding that I am upset about it, admits to being uncomfortable himself... yet he's still there.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for considering to respond thoughtfully. I'd also appreciate any further resources, advice, books, websites, etc.
This is a tough thing to deal with. I'm glad you have found us.
Do you have your own program of recovery? Face-to-face meetings, working the steps, finding a sponsor? The insanity of addiction drags everyone around it into the maelstrom. You can benefit from your own system of support which is unconnected to him. Also read through the threads here and get the literature if you can those can provide much wisdom.
On the one hand, he is in early recovery and he needs every meeting he can get. And you can't be in the role of being his policeman or parole officer that isn't fair to either of you. On the other hand, his actions have caused great pain and worry in you, and those are a valid part of the equation. Addicts sometimes expect us just to "get over it" like flipping a switch, and don't want to acknowledge the fallout from all their harmful decisions. You got caught in the insanity and suffered because of it and that's real and needs to be acknowledged and responded to as you plan and move ahead.
Al-Anon teaches us "Don't React" and not to make an major changes for six months (unless there is physical danger). This is not because things are perfect as they are, but so that we can gather the wisdom and experience to make the best possible choices, and to know that we can stick by them if the going gets rough. Another Al-Anon saying is "More will be revealed." So it might be that the best way forward is not to make any drastic pronouncements, but to move ahead with your own recovery and use the gathering wisdom to decide how best to approach this very difficult situation.
Aloha Fairlane and welcome to the board...suggestion read you post as if were written by someone else and see what picture you come up with. Read it again if you have to ...slowly with an open mind and see if you get it more clearly. I was told to do that when I first came into Al-Anon and it was one of the most helpful first steps...Admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that....my life had become unmanagable. We can help and will support you. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hugs and sorry for the residual pain you are experiencing from the betrayal. It sounds like he's doing what he needs to do so the question becomes what are you going to do? He's going to drink not drink; cheat not cheat; the list goes on from there .. so again .. how are you going to take care of you? I guess I challenge you to take a look at the reasons you want to control the situation (I know .. you want to not get hurt and have a bottom line guarantee he's not going to use or cheat again .. if you find that clause opt me in! ) .. he's a big boy .. he has his own free will .. he has to make decisions based upon what he believes to be right. Do keep coming here to take care of you .. hugs and welcome S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Just my opinion but if there are other options, I would not want my husband at those meetings she attends. He's facing enough temptation just avoiding alcohol. There was a bimbo in one of my husband's meetings that was sniffing around, trying to get too buddy buddy and he was eating it up. I put my foot down and he found a new group. My peace of mind is important too. I couldn't control everything but I wasn't going to put up with that nonsense on top of everything else.
-- Edited by wornoutmrsfixit on Sunday 9th of March 2014 11:07:52 AM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
If he's going to cheat, will he not just find another woman? IF he's going to cheat will the sooner you know that not be better and IF he does have you made a decision about what you will do? Your issues are in trusting someone who has once not been trustworthy and that is reasonable. IF you are willing to take the risk (& stay with him) then that IS your decision. He can not "hide" forever or never come in contact with another (or that particular woman, especially in a small town). She is not the issue..his ability to be faithful is. Give yourself some time to heal and to decide IF you can truly forgive this transgression. It's no shame if you can't, but trying to control his temptations is not going to resolve that issue. Your own boundaries are all you can work on. You can not live your life in fear & worry and be happy. Neither can he. Six months is still very new to recovery, but he either makes it or he doesn't. Neither you nor she will be to blame if he doesn't. Living with a recovering addict you forever live with "one drink away" from relapse..that's just part of the deal. Is it worth it? Only you can decide.
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
Why do you feel you should know who is at an ANONYMOUS meeting? He's already breaking traditions just telling you she's there. At meetings it is commonly stated "what you see here, who you see here, stays here." Would you like to alter the traditions due to your trust issues with your bf? Who is at his meetings is none of your business. Either you trust and forgive or you don't. If you do, I'd have him stop reporting on who is in his meetings because that's a generally non accepted behavior he should not be engaging in just to appease your insecurities after you already chose to forgive him. Also, this other woman deserves a shot at recovery too. She has people that love her and she's someone's daughter and sister too. Yes, she will need to face legal consequences of her actions but if she truly was trying to recover and redeem herself why would you want to mess in her recovery? By controlling, you stay resentful, and that turns you into a victim and some random girl with a drug problem into your personal enemy when the issue is with you and your bf.
All I can think is that he wasn't honoring you a year and a half ago when he started the affair with the other woman and he is not honoring your feelings now either. You have to account for your feelings and your controlling him and her now, but I totally understand why you feel the way you do. You want him to respect you. You can probably do that better by backing off and letting God be in control of him. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and accept any unacceptable thing he throws at you. You have choices there too. I understand the feeling of not being able to communicate and breaking down. You are not being heard and until you accept the fact that you are just hitting your head against a wall, you will keep doing it. He is in early recovery and you are not part of it.
Keep going to your meetings. Be the best person you can be. Hold your head high. Let go of him and let God take over. Live today as happy as it can be. If he is going to have another affair with her there is nothing you will be able to do about it. You have choices of how to live your own life. He will respect you more for that.
I like what pinkchip had to say here, it does break tradition which is a safety feature for us to be able to work our programs without outside issues coming at us. You can only control you, your program your forgiveness, anger and emotions and what comes out of you. He is working his program and he is in control of that. I have been cheated on in my marriage and I know what comes along with it, but I also had to learn he was in the relationship and not the other women and I had to deal with it between us and realize they owed me no loyalty but he did. We worked through it in our small town even with running into them, either you forgive and move on or you don't. I am not saying it is easy, it is not. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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