The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been sober for 6 months and he recently admitted to having a drink because he was feeling sick and shaky. Now today I found out he has been having drinks every now and then since the first incident. He constantly says things like he's a failure with sobriety and our relationship. I really don't know what I should be doing at this point. I don't want him to relapse into drinking the way he did before and I certainly don't think he is a failure. I am trying to be supportive of his recovery and sometimes I think that I am making it worse. A bit of background - in our relationship we haven't been sexual in quite some time and yes that bothers me sometimes but I can 'understand' its not a priority to him. I really try my best to be open and honest and I really feel like I'm pushing him away and I just don't know how to help anymore.
His drink of choice was vodka and he doesn't attend meetings (flat out refuses and I wont push it)
Any advice would be welcome at this point. I don't want to
Welcome to MIP. The best thing you can do to help him is to help you. Get to learn more about alcoholism and our part in it at an Al Anon meeting. Have you been to one?
My wife relapsed recently. She was scared as heck, and also felt like a failure. She gets worried about AA having time chips (1 day sober, 1 week sober, 1 year, 2 years, etc). She didn't want the pressure of having to start over again. It was OK with ehr, but there can be a certain amount of shaming about it in AA apparently. Or perhaps it's projecting.
All I could do was listen to her fears, try to reassure her in the most honest way possible, and then let go and let God. There is nothing else I can do. it is up to her as to whether the bottle gets bought, gets in the house, gets in her hand, gets opened, gets put to her lips, and gets drank. There is nothing I can do about it directly.
The only thing I could do was just be supportive and make sure she doesn't think that I think she is a failure.
A discussion we had on here the other day about shame vs guilt was also a biggie. Shame means you think you have failed as a person - what many alcoholics seem to do - and guilt means you realize that you had a bad behavior, but that the incident doesn't damn you as a person.
Keep coming back here and asking and reading. And check out a meeting if you can, or attend one of our online meetings.
Hi Britta, welcome..
So your husband got sober...how?
And do you attend Alanon face to face meetings. I see you are new to the board.
I hope your husband chooses sobriety, relapse is a part of recovery, but difficult if there is not support or recovery group for him, such as AA or Rational recovery, etc.
However, Alanon is here to support you and what you are going thru. It all sounds familiar. My x alcoholic graduated to Vodka and changed his
personality completely.
As far a the sexual issues that are going on, it also sounds familiar. There is nothing wrong in approaching him with this subject in a calm rational way. You may know or not know that alcohol, getting it, drinking it is their number 1 priority. Also, drinking numbs their feelings. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just loves drinking more.
The thing is Britta, its not about him. Its not about you trying to get him sober. He has to want too and nothing you can do or say is going to change that. Alanon is a program that offers the tools and solutions to cope with the effects that drinking and addiction brings into our lives .
Keep coming back to the board and you will see wisdom and caring here with all the members experiences with substance abuse in their lives. We are all looking for answers to this very devastating disorder. Please keep coming back , because it works...
Hugs, Bettina
Britta - I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.
Alcoholism is progressive and truly never cured but arrested through recovery. Al-Anon is for friends and family affected by alcoholism. We keep the focus on us and work on learning how to have joy and peace no matter what they are doing or not doing.
He might get sober; he might not. In either scenario, you can have peace in your mind and heart through recovery. Keep coming back here and know that you didn't cause any of this, you can't control any of it nor can you change it....(3 C's of Al-Anon)
You are not alone - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks! He got sober just by doing 2 weeks of monitored detox and going to meetings through the program in our town. After that he just did it on his own and it has been going well up until this point. I think that he's feeling stressed and doesn't really know how to handle it without drinking. I know that I can't control what he does, I just feel like I'm trying to help and it's causing more stress. That's why I'm here. If I can talk to other people like me, it gives me an outlet and I can maybe learn some things.
My ex was dry for years and started attending AA
In 2011 and me in alanon in 2012. He had no interest
In my ideas for his recovery. They were not well
Received or wanted.
All you can do is work on yourself get strong in your
Program for you. Ftf mtgs will help and guide you on
Your path. There is so much to learn so you can change
And grow regardless of whatever he is doing.
The best you can hope for is to lead by example if he did
Start attending AA then your response should be ask your
Sponsor. You are not his sponsor and you each have your
Own higher power.
The no sex helps with detachment, i had the opposite problem
And could not detach when i really should have.
My AH is very sexual when he's drinking heavily/daily. When he's not drinking, we basically never have sex & he never wants to. I end up feeling like some kind of sex deviant because I want to sleep with my own husband. When I ask him about it, he gets super cranky & says that he is doing his best, trying not to drink & makes me feel guilty for putting more pressure on him. It's a vicious cycle. In fact, one of the ways I KNOW that he's back on the drink is because he WANTS to have sex.
The great majority of alcoholics will not stay sober without a recovery program. It helps to deal in reality even though it hurts. Until he is beat down enough to consistently ask for help and make more real and lasting changes, it is unlikely he will stay sober. Before going to AA (or smart recovery or any other program), pretty much all alcoholics go through phases of thinking they can do it on their own. Unfortunately, that isolating and social retardation are also parts of the disease so they don't realize they are still letting the disease whoop them by avoiding real recovery. Try not to get drawn into his nonrecovery. I have seen sooooo many drunks go through this on and off the wagon crap while driving everyone around them nuts. Likely, this is all part of what needs to happen for him to hopefully eventually find out...No...he cannot just stop on his own.
In the mean time, take care of you. Acknowledge this is alcoholism . The disease is active and you are tasked with your own self care and preserving YOUR sanity above all else.
((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry you are on this roller coaster.
My husband relapsed quite a few times and the six month mark was a tricky time for him. He learnt with each relapse, and in a way so did I. I learnt that it was his issue, not mine. I learnt that I drove myself nuts trying to think of what the right thing was for me to do. I learnt to listen to my instincts and take care of my own self esteem. Turned out it wasn't up to me to do anything anyway!
The best support I could offer was to just be me, to feel enthusiastic about my life, share time with people who enjoyed life, step out of the way if my husband's drinking got too much for me to maintain a peaceful state of mind. It wasn't easy! But it became quite good fun. I did a writing course. I did another course. I started to paint. I learnt more about the countryside where I live.
I trusted that my husband was choosing to do what he wanted to do and respected his autonomy. It wasn't my choice, thats for sure, but it wasn't my life either. I think he got tired of things that kept going wrong and his last drink was two and half years ago. I knew that there would come a point when I couldn't stay healthy and live with all that drama, but I stopped trying to save my marriage and just continued to be where I wanted to be, one day at a time. I have choices and I trust myself.
Take care of you - turn your attention to your own self care (if you are like me I bet you haven't done that in a while!) Alanon is great for learning how to play again!
Thank you all so much! I have made the decision already to just let him do what he's going to do. I can tell when he's been drinking but I'm not going press the issue anymore (if I can help it- sometimes I get a little fed up). He's drinking again and hiding it but I guess that's his problem now. I already have a list of things I'm going to start doing for me and I already feel good about my decisions. Even so, I do get a bit sad about the decisions he is making but when I come back here and read these comments and support it makes me feel ok. I guess my biggest fear is that he is just going to go back to the heavy drinking state he was in before and I am going to have to make a big decision about whether to stay or not. I already have it in my mind that if it gets too far my decision is going to have to be to not get dragged down again with him.
Britta thats why you need to get strong on the
Inside with this program. You are so far from
Alone. No one will tell you what to do in your
Marriage unless there is abuse.
It is even recomended to not do anything drastic
for 6-12 months just keep going to meetings. It
Is highly recommended if one is going to AA the
Other should be going to alanon so everyone is
On the same page.
It took me a long time of just listening, learning
And absorbing the wisdom before i could change
And grow. I was no longer the doormat by the
Time my xah left me.
It has been painful yet i have learned so much.
I heal every day and that in itself is a blessing.
I have learned self love and found my soul again.
I have a loving higher power holding my hand
Guiding and helping me on my journey.
