Dating a Newly Recovering Alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

Compromise22 · Newbie

Dating a Newly Recovering Alcoholic

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a decision you have to make. I met and fell in love with someone in recovery, and he promptly fell out 3 times and we just broke up. I say this because I am still madly in love with him and it's been hard but I know it was right to leave for my own sanity. Read the post about exploring love, it's a great post about 5-8 down.

My exBF was 24 years in AirForce, severe PTSD but is not even a little violent. His relapses were binge drinking and he goes to a hotel and stays away from people until he ends up in the hospital and is moved to VA detox. He's a great guy, I mean truly a sweetheart but he's got a disease and I have to think about my life and myself.

What the first thought I had in my head of your event with your BF is this: he can't promise he'll never drink again. There is no guarantee this was the true bottom. Imagine that work scenario in your home, with nowhere to escape. Not all PTSD results in violent behaviors but it is common for vets with PTSD to have drinking problems. For me, the pulling a knife out and threatening anyone, and risking my employment in my world no amount of passion and love will survive that.

This is a good place to be in. Find a live meeting if you can. I came here when I learned my BF was in recovery and the people here have been monumental in my learning to detach and set boundaries. I miss him but I do not miss worrying about when the next binge would come on. And I love him dearly I do hope he learns to stay sober because he's already killing himself. He's already got damage from his drinking.

PS, my ex, keeps using his manipulation to try and get me back. This is because they need to have someone in their life the can count on and I see it for what it is. It's not love, it's need. Sure he loves me, but he's not able to love in a healthy manner.

Take care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Compromise Welcome to Miracles in Progress

This is indeed a difficult time for you and after reading your experince I know you will benefit from alanon Face to Face meetings in your community.

Al-Anon is an organization of friends and relatives of Alcoholics. It is clear that you have been affected by someone elses drinking so Al-Anon could help.We believe that alcoholism is a disease that we did not cause, cannot control or cure. We need to learn new tools to live by You can find meetings by going to: the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm

There is hope and help You are not alonel

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not alone and alanon attendance would help you. This is not a decision that is so urgent. In 9 more months is he gonna not be around? You can have a relationship but both of you stay focused on recovery. Or you can wait....It's not like there is a "date me now or never" situation going on and if there is, that's another problem... Breathe and let your HP guide you.

AllieinAlanon · Veteran Member

It is hard to know what will happen. To you and to him. I hope things work out. I think if recovery occurs in a relationship, either with one or both members of the couple, one of a few things will occur: Both parties will turn away from each other and follow their paths, or one party will turn a corner to follow their own path, and leave the other party to follow their own. Or both parties will turn towards each other to follow the same path, and they will stay together. I hope you two stay together and share a beautiful recovery together. And if things don't work out, you have alanon and your life to live. You will never be alone again.

peace,

Allie

-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Thursday 16th of August 2012 09:19:20 PM

-- Edited by AllieinAlanon on Thursday 16th of August 2012 09:20:39 PM

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board. Please do try to find a face to face meeting, they are wonderful! This board has also taught me so much!

I had a man in my life for years. What I never realized was that he was an alcoholic. It wasn't until I came here that I figured it out. I loved him, but I realized I could not live with him. There is a part of me that still loves him.

I married an alcoholic. I didn't figure it out until after the fact. I love him. I'm working on the steps, and going to my meeting and visiting this board. I've learned so much since last October.

I have a history of dating men with addiction issues. I don't know why, but through what I'm learning in Al-Anon I'm starting to figure it out. I can't undo the past but I can have a healthy future.

Keep coming back you are worth it!

Compromise22 · Newbie

Thank you all so much for your support and care. AStrongerMe, thank you for sharing your experience, I hope the absolute best for you and him, and you are right, I have no guarantee that he won't start drinking again, but I can also say that if he starts again, I won't come back. He seems to be learning a lot about himself, so I guess I just am trying to have hope for us. Even though that might not be the case. Hotrod, Thank you for the welcome and I will try to find a face to face meeting in my area, I just live in a very small town and I think that there is one meeting, but honestly where I am, most meetings are horrible. For example, there are no VA programs, the only AA meeting that is here is mainly attended by criminals who are forced by the law to go or be sent to jail, who don't actually want help and that's how the meeting is also ran unfortunately. I will try the meeting that is in my town, and also there is a city about an hour and a half away that has much more options.
Pinkchip-thank you for your support, and no there isn't much of a rush, although what is difficult is that we are literally each other's best friends. We know everything about each other, we can talk to each other about anything, and we also don't want to grow apart. When we talk constantly, even just as friends, it is really easy to just fall back into a relationship, because ultimately it is what both of us want.
Jackie 11- Thanks for sharing with me, I also have a history of being attracted to and by men with problems, I think because of many reasons, some of them being self hate, paternal abandonment, and I always want to help people. I don't have a lot of self worth myself (something I am trying to fix) but what happens is that I care about the person I love more than I care about myself. That's something I have always done, does anything seem familiar? If you want to talk about anything let me know, and I am really glad I found this board.
-thank you all again

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Is he getting treatment for the PTSD too?

I would recommend getting the book Getting them Sober. I think its a great reference point.

I am not sure where you are with boundaries but if you are going to date someone in recovery maybe it is a good thing to bone up on them. You can find a lot of help in al anon. If you get a sponsor they will school you on what a boundary is, how to work it and how to keep them. Those of us around alcoholics need a lot of help in that region.

I am glad you are here. You deserve help and understanding.

Maresie.

Compromise22 · Newbie

yes, he's getting help for the PTSD, although getting through the alcoholism is the first step in his full recovery. He is part of this VA program where he was a patient in the hospital for 30 days, an out patient for I believe 30 days, and then sent to a sober living house and part of another 6 month program through the VA where they go to meetings 5 times a week and also counseling, then after I believe 4 or 5 months, he is given a job at the VA and is able to start working again and applying the program to everyday life. It really is a great program it seems.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Not sure if a relationship is good for him right now ? What about you is it good for you . Newly sober is what i lovingly call Stark Raving Sober , heads rolling all over the place , emotions they dont understand , recovery takes time but if your both in separate programs you just might make it . Al-Anon will get the focus on you again while you get your l ife back on track . AA will take care of him let our program take care of you . Louise

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Welcome! I hope you will keep sharing on this board with us. It's been a great addition to attending in person Alanon meetings for me. Maybe it will be helpful for you too. As far as your relationship, there are people who attend meetings and there are people who live and work the program or at least make a sincere effort to do that each day. As Abby already brought to mind, there are a lot of behaviors from withdrawl that happen with newly sober people including lots of mood swings. These may be complicated in a greater way by the mental health issues you shared that your partner has. Granted we all have our stuff, but you will decide what you can live with and what you can't. In my relationship, getting sober was only the first step for him. Getting my hands off his recovery and onto mine was only the first step for me. We needed to work all of the steps to live fully. This was a rude spiritual awakening for me as a newcomer but a much needed one. It forced me out of denial to face life on life's terms and to look at my own spiritual, emotional and physical well being. Step 3 is a big one. As was already shared, sometimes couples grow together, sometimes the relationship ends. Either way, I hope you'll choose to grow in Alanon and never regret it. The support is phenomenal on this board and at in person Alanon meetings. Wishing you both the best on your recovery journeys. TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of August 2012 07:09:34 AM

Compromise22 · Newbie

Hello, I am sorry I haven't replied in a long time, but a lot has happened. I decided to somewhat take him back, and we went through a few weeks of basically being back together. Things were great, but those mood swings kicked in and he started to get lost. He was annoyed with his group (they got a new group leader who apparently isn't the greatest, and was tired of the people who attended the group), he wasn't talking to his sponsor much because he didn't feel the need to. He basically seemed to think that he had everything under control, and that he never wanted to drink again, he just wanted to move on and forget. I told him that he couldn't do it alone, but of course he doesn't listen. So he's been under this stress, and it causes him to randomly get angry at me, saying he's tired of not knowing if I am going to get back together with him or not, he has a really bad day, and he buys two beers and drinks them. He calls me telling me that he made the conscious decision, he knows it's not right, and he doesn't expect me to approve, but he was being honest about drinking, and told his sponsor. I told him that I can't risk what happened again, and that us being together is on hold again, but I support him in his recovery. I told him that it's either me or alcohol, and once again, you have chosen alcohol. I understand, love, and support, but I am definitely not okay with it. He got upset that I wasn't going to take him back like I was going to originally, just because he made one mistake, and he controlled his alcohol intake. He doesn't think I am being supportive, loving, or understanding. I told him that he needs to want to stay sober, follow his group and talk to his sponsor. So I need help. I don't know what actions and words will help or hinder his recovery. Is it better for him that I say we are done for good, and walk away, or is it better that I say that it was wrong what he did, but we will get through this together?

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

The wonderful thing about our program is we don't tell each other what to do. What is right for one person is not right for another.

Mattie often says "I wish someone had asked me: if you knew that he were going to be exactly the same for the rest of his life, what decisions would you make?"

Honestly this is one of my favorite questions and I think about it every time I see it. I think it applies to what you are deliberating on now.

If you have not yet found a face to face meeting I encourage you to find one. There have been some great posts recently on love, and relationships, and I encourage you to read, there is so much encouragement strength and hope to be found.

Keep coming back, you're worth it!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.