The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my AH is back to actively drinking. I've been going to F2F Al-Anon meetings weekly for the last 7 months. My AH has been attending AA on and off since January as well. He went about 3 months without drinking and then there'd be a slip here and there. The slips are happening more frequently in the past few weeks -- like every few days. This week he was drinking Friday, Saturday, and yesterday. When I say drinking, basically pounding a glass or two of nearly straight vodka and passing out. I'm scared that he's going to fall back into the cycle he was in a year ago that ended him up in the hospital 3 times. Basically full on DTs -- hallucinations, disorientation, seizures.
From my experience with Al Anon, the 3 C's keep going through my head, but I still end up in my bad ways -- searching for bottles, trying to gauge if he's drunk or not, asking him if he's drinking (man is that a futile effort), getting angry and upset about it, etc. I know that I need to learn to detach to have my sanity, but I have no clue how.
I'm the sole breadwinner and struggling to keep us afloat. We've burned through our savings that were supposed to help for a down payment on a house. One day he'll say he's done and literally will be drinking the next. He says I don't respect him and he's right. He constantly lies, hasn't worked for 2 1/2 years and has chosen to drink even though it's come close to killing him multiple times. He says he wants a future -- a house, kids -- but then he goes off on a bender and partially blames me for it. We've been together for 17 years and married for the last 3. I'm not getting any younger and have been wanting desperately to move on to the next stage in our lives to have a family. I'm getting resentful towards him and I know that detaching will help, but again, I don't know how.
We live in a small apartment, so there's no space and only one bed. We've been swapping sleeping on the couch and the bedroom because when he drinks he snores so loudly I can't get any sleep and I know I need to get some rest to be able to function at my job. I never have time to myself in the house -- well I guess when he's passed out in the bedroom I kind of get it to myself, but I can still hear him snoring, which drives me batty. I've been doing things like going to the gym and other activities outside of my house, but there are times where I just want to relax at home and I don't feel like I can with him prancing around the house in a drunken state.
I know this is a bit of a rant, but I partially needed to vent and I would really love to hear how people detached when they're living with an active drinker. Another thing that I'm struggling with is how to detach when you're the only one responsible for things in the house -- bills, rent, etc.
Welcome STB I'm glad that you reached out and shared. You are not alone and there is hope and help. I know that detachment took time and effort for me to develop, but it certainly was and is an extremely useful tool.
I reminded myself continually that I was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic as in step one, that I was responsible for my own peace and serenity so that I would not engage with the disease in any fashion, no matter what. I used the slogan let go of anger, resentment, self-pity and fear and let God, I also reminded myself not to JADE with the disease. That means I would not justify, argue, defend or engage in the insanity. Instead I would go for a walk, go to the gym, go to several meetings a day and meet program people for tea. Detachment then came automatically.
It is all a process so please use whatever tools work for you and remember not to get too hungry angry lonely or tired. Keep coming back.
I read your post again. You want examples of how to detach.
I am focusing on me. When I start to obsess about him, I start with a prayer. Then I decide that I am going to have a good day no matter what! and I work my tail off to stay in the moment. I tell myself, "right here, right now, I am ok. I stop engaging with my AH and do something for me. I attend at least two F2F meetings a week.
I remind myself that as I go through my recovery, my options on what to do about my marriage may look different. See, the only options that therapists, family and friends, as well as me, provided were that he stops drinking or I leave. I felt a huge wave of relief when I learned in Al-anon that it was ok to wait to make big decisions until I am further along in recovery, as other options may be presented. I also know that I may be in a better space to act for me, if I am a healthier version of me.
I have talked to a couple of friends and now have at least two places I can go if I need to get away. That brings me tremendous comfort knowing that if I must physically leave to keep my sanity that I can simply make a phone call, get in my car and go. Sometimes it's just about not feeling trapped for me.
Please know you are not alone.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Wednesday 20th of July 2016 06:19:29 PM
Thanks for sharing. I've calmed down a bit and I'm exhausted. I made myself dinner, ate and then woke up my AH to see if he was hungry. He said he'll sleep on the couch, so at least I'll get some sleep tonight. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Hopefully today will be better. I dumped out the remainder of the bottle of vodka he had while he was passed out last night and also took back his debit card. Going forward I'll just give him cash like an allowance vs. letting him have free reign of our account since he doesn't pay any of the bills or contribute financially. If he wants to spend it on booze, so be it, but I won't allow anymore spending sprees financed by me and I won't have to worry about if a check or payment is going to bounce. I'm putting that up as my boundary. It might sound a bit controlling, but I've tried the opposite over and over -- explaining our financial system and even doing a budget, but when he starts drinking all that goes out the window. I'm going with the idea that doing the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity. So I'm going to try something different now.
He came into bed around 3am because he said he was hot being on the couch. He was pretty quiet so I let him stay. When I asked him how he felt this morning, he said that he seemed to be experiencing auditory hallucinations last night and that the fan on the AC sounded like a rock band to him, but he said that all ended once he got some sleep. He said, "I guess I need to find better ways to deal with my stress, huh?" I basically told him actions speak louder than words at this point.
He asked me what our plans were for the weekend, if I still wanted to hang out with him. I calmly explained that I like being around him when he's sober. But if he chooses to drink this weekend, I'll be doing my own things because I can't handle being around him like that.
I'm going to do my best to be compassionate. Although I think we really need to talk about this last bender, I'm going to give it time, because I know that if I push the issue now, he won't want to talk about it. I'm also going to make sure that I attend a meeting over the weekend as well to make sure that I'm grounded.
There are many times that I've been helped by venting on these boards - it is good to find out that we are not alone isn't it?!
Some of the things that I have learnt about in Alanon are things that I never knew existed - boundaries, detachment, learning to respect other people's choices even if I don't agree with them, the importance of investing in myself and my own well-being. I have a lot to be thankful for - even though it was a tough old schooling at times!
I came to detach emotionally from my husband's turmoil by coming to respect his right to his choices. I stopped trying to make his life alright in my eyes - if he wanted to sleep through dinner, drink to oblivion, be rude to people, so be it. I could still enjoy my meals, invest in pastimes that I enjoy and I didn't have to apologise on his behalf either.
A strange thing happened by my gifting him some respect - I was better able to gift myself respect as well. I knew that my stomach was in knots a lot of the time from stress and anticipation so I invested in yoga and meditation classes. That helped. If I was feeling lonely, I phoned my friends. I decided that it was ok for me to wear headphones so that I could listen to nice music or to the radio.
I used to wake up every morning thinking 'oh God, I can't do this,' and then I would remember to keep the focus on myself and most times my day would turn out fine. Every evening I think about the best things in my day. Now I rarely wake up with such negative thoughts, instead my mind is more focused on my day, my life, my plans.
Welcome to MIP all those who are new.....so sorry for what brings you here. For me, in the beginning of my recovery, I went to daily meetings and spent more time away from home than in the home. I did anything I could to remove myself from the disease, the diseased and the substance(s). Slowly, I began to realize I did have choices and worked with a sponsor to establish boundaries and detach.
It's not easy to do but it is possible and there is hope. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi! The detaching I can't give advice on...I've been on this roller coaster far too long to admit to, and I still can't seem to do this consistently. BUT I do have help for your sleeping! I spent months sleeping on the couch because of the horrible snoring, but I found some wonderful ear plugs on Amazon, and if used correctly, work great! I'm talking life changing! The only bad thing is I can't hear anything (I could hear a fire alarm if it went off though) so my kids and dog have had to adjust and learn to come and wake me up if they need something (kids are teenagers :))
The ear plugs are moldex pura-fit 6800 (nrr 33) it does take a while to get used to inserting them properly, I had to look on YouTube because the directions are vague. Anyway, hope this helps! Good luck and glad you are here :)
I know how exhausting it is to live around an alcoholic. Hope you are giving yourself some time and space.
Getting boundaries in a situation like that is tremendously difficult.
Detaching is really difficult. The disease is really sticky.
Maresie
Thank you for these words. I may save them and read them aloud over and over. Detaching from an active alcoholic can be a struggle and I need some tools
Welcome to MIP healing - glad you found us and glad that you've joined in! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
