The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am brand new here and absorbing information like a sponge this morning. April 24 - I "came out of the closet" you could say. My AH of 23 years crossed the line on drinking -I have had it. I told him that I was done - I am so angry, tired, fed up, hurt, broken due to this disease and everything else on my plate right now (child getting married in 2 weeks, fathers cancer, change in jobs, son to be deployed in August, becoming an emptynester). I told both of my children, his parents that I can't do it anymore - told them and him that it was time for me to heal as I don't like who I am becoming. I have since listened to all the Al-Anon podcasts - those allowed me to validate my feelings, met with a counselor, checked into meetings near me (I haven't gone yet). Since that time my husband has cut his drinking in half and has told me that this is all he can do right now. I shared that there are issues - he has his, alcohol and everything that goes with it. I have mine - Anger, rage and resentment at how many years it has gone on, all of the overcompensating I have done as a wife/mother. Sadness at the damage in relationships that have been done with specifically our daughter. Not knowing if it is time to separate/divorce.
Last night what should have been a discussion in a healthy relationship ended up with both of us angry, verbally attacking each other. I let loose much of the toxicity of my feelings and damages in a barrage of verbal vomit. I am ashamed of how this ended - There was a time years ago that I could let things go, not anymore. I have gotten very use to his inability to apologize or own problems but have stepped over my ability to tolerate it any longer. I love him but hate what has become of him, me, us. I do not know if I am being selfish in expecting him to do more. He has not made any attempt to seek treatment to my knowledge. I have shared that our health insurance will cover it and that he is worth it. There have been years and years where i have drawn lines and compromised on drinking (being ok cutting down the amount, monitoring, working with him at his request to tell him it was getting out of hand again, marking bottles, etc.). Have I waited to long to repair our marriage? Has it gotten so toxic that we can never get it back? Am I out of line or selfish saying this isn't enough? I am so willing to go to counsoling, meetings, treatment for me but I can't do it all for us. I feel that without these the only choice I have is to begin the separation process. I would like to see our marriage mend and perhaps even grow stronger. I have let myself and him down for so long by allowing this to continue I am not sure that the damage cna be repaired. I know it will take a long time, not something 4 or 5 sessions with a therapist can work through (even though last time it helped it just didn't last).
My boundary at this point are -
begin healing for me- counseling, Al-Anon information, readings
Counseling for us - we have done this before for a number of months but I feel this needs to be ongoing for a minimum of 1 year
I would appreciate any advice, strategies, support you may have to offer.
Shawnie Welcome Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. We are powerless of this disease as we did no cause it and cannot control it. It affects the person who drinks as well as the entire family. Anger, denial , blame are all part of the reactions to the disease and you are not alone
Alanon face to face meetings offer tools to help recover from the insanity of coping with the illness Please search out meetings and attend. It is a process an takes time and practice to recover.
I was on my knees On rock bottom, when i arrived
At alanon. My dry xah was attending AA and i went
To alanon shortly there afterward.
I went and just listened, learned and absorbed for a
Long time. I cried a lot , eventually i started to heal and
Got better and was no longer a doormat before he left.
Go to your face to face meetings and start your own
Recovery journey, There are so many tools to learn. In
Alanon you can heal from the inside out. It takes time,
self love and lots Of patience and gentleness with ourselves.
Its about staying on your side of the street, in your own
Hula hoop, healthy boundaries, loving detachment, the
List goes on it all takes awhile to learn and practice.
The thinking in alanon is make no major changes for
Six months to a year. Work your program and hopefully
By that time you will have more clarity before making
Any big decisions. Many times changed attitudes and
Behaviors help The situation. Alanon will not tell you
What to do about your marriage that is personal unless
There is abuse.
Shawnee,
Welcome.
When I went to my first AlAnon meeting I heard someone talk about the 3 Cs. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. We are not the cause of anyone else's addiction. This was such a relief to me to hear. It meant whatever my reaction had been to his behavior, it was immaterial. His behavior is his doing.
I have learned and processed so much by attending meetings. Slowly I emerged from my own fog.
I wish the same for you.
Thank you. I will begin my journey and go forward. I hope he will attend marriage counseling (again) with me. I will go to meetings. No abuse very thankful.
Shawnie, wife and I went to marriage counseling after she got home from rehab. We got a counselor who was an substance abuse counselor as well. that was a big help to everyone involved.
I was sharing with another guy this morning how impossible it was for me to try to figure out solutions using the same head and brain I got into the problems with. "it was Impossible" I told him for that reason and I needed many more voices and experiences to listen to within the rooms of Al-Anon and face to face personally. How magical that I could listen to so much and hear so little yet put little to work for me that made so much difference in my life. I worried about loosing the stuff I would not retain and then the fellowship told me "Take what you like and leave the rest" I kept coming back and the meetings were all in the same place still. HP loves me huh? Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Hi Shawnie ((Hugs)) To address your title of your post and your question.....I don't think it's ever too late to try to turn things around. You're ready to see the problems and to change things when you are ready and not a moment sooner. You are right where you are supposed to be. I was at my wits end when I came to Al Anon. I thought my marriage was completely hopeless. We were so toxic and nasty with each other. Al Anon taught me to focus on myself. Taking care of myself, loving myself, growing within myself. I came in with a hard angry heart towards my husband (and many people) and the program softened me again. I started to make small changes here and there. In fits and spurts I started to grow. It was slow at first but has built up a momentum and is gaining speed. And my growth has been noticed. it has made my relationship so much better. I have even seen growth in those at home (even if it is small). What they say in Al Anon is true "when one person begins to get better the whole family gets better". It isn't the solution I would have imagined but it works for me. I am healthier and happier because of my involvement in Al Anon. I highly recommend face to face meetings in your area. Wishing you all the best.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Tuesday 17th of May 2016 01:15:26 PM
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I missed the meeting I was going to go to on Monday, had the wrong time written down but will be there at 5:30 this Monday. I have also purchased a great book - The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. - I feel like I am back in college - reading, highlighting, taking notes. It is so very good. I feel better than I did even 2 weeks ago and know I have a long way to go. I am thankful for this forum.
