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I'm a 26yo woman, still living at home (don't panic, it's not unusual in this country) with my alcoholic dad and apparently severely depressed mum. I've been going to alanon for over two years and doing really well, despite not having a HP (I'm agnostic). I think this is starting to be a problem. I'd like to have someone to pray to in the hope things get better, at the moment I'm in a pretty black tunnel.
I've learnt to detach somewhat from Dad when he's drinking, but it all comes back when I hear mum crying and trying to hide it from us. I don't know how to comfort her without exposing that I'm aware how badly affected she is, and I don't think she wants me to do that. I've suggested alanon and therapy a thousand times to no avail. I'm terrified that it might be too much for her and that she'll get sick (and die, but I know that's catastrophising), and my hope (yes, hope, no guilt attached) is that dad goes first so that I don't have to deal with him alone. Meanwhile, he's starting drinking what seems to be diluted meth spirits (I know I shouldn't have checked, but like I said, it all comes back when I'm worrying over mum), and has spent all of Easter long weekend walking around the house like a zombie.
Then I tried to get mum out of the house and took her to a movie, but I think that just made it worse cos now she's thinking about how we have no family or any support here, (and by proxy nowhere to go should she finally decide to leave him, and so she feels trapped and even more miserable - by the way, we're immigrants), and how my sister is doing her best to cut our parents out of her new life with her fiancee. So I feel like when I move out, I'm abandoning mum and my sister to this awful situation.
To top off my concerns about everyone else, I just finished a Masters degree and am job hunting for something in my field but the economy sucks so I'm looking for a job in any field and I've got interviews lined up that I need to prepare for, but I'm completely stressed. AND I've never had a date in my life because (of my dad) I don't trust men and I cover that up with ridiculously high standards and excuses.
On the one hand, I resent being a part of a family that I love too much to turn my back on, on the other I want to be a well-adjusted, normal young woman, enjoying the prime of my life. But there's no light at the end of my tunnel. All I have is people telling me "it's not your responsibility" and "let them handle themselves, they're adults!" I've given up on dad (but not on the hope that one day he'll see reason, unfortunately), but I don't know what to do about mum. She's sick and I want to support her somehow.
There's my long story. Here are my questions:
Will things ever get better?
Can I help mum without becoming responsible for her (can I help her in such a way that she is encouraged to help herself)?
What can I do to help myself (in relation to my massive issues)?
How can I address the HP issue, bearing in mind that calling anything "God" or related won't help me at all (there was a cross on a fundraising wristband in my alanon group and I actually contemplated leaving and never coming back)?
Could you pray for me and my family to your HP? (Sometimes it's the best strangers can offer, and I really appreciate that it's the highest help you can give).
Hey alex. I've an Alex of my own amongst my brood. I'm sorry to hear of your conundrum and one thing that leaps out is how change has a ripple effect. Its not abandonment if a room that holds four has only oxygen for three. So sometimes the thing that's hardest or seems meanest is actually the kindest. Which is to say, keep on keeping on. I want to read your post again so ill publish this and brb.
In regards to helping your mum without enabling, recovery is that. I think taking her to a movie was a great action. But the family dynamic is one where you see things intricately from her perspective and the worry about the potential fallout. Normal for the dynamic. Recovery can help to let go of the worry aspect. You did a nice thing, and arent in control of anothers feelings. Yes you can be a family member and an independent of family person in the world and you can be both at the same time. Really, just keep up your recovery. on agnosticism I can relate. I once couldn't allow handholding during the serenity prayer. The religious aspect of the word god had me armed and defensive. Something about it all just seemed highly suspicious. Now however I feel that ones connection to a spiritual source is deeply personal. So deeply personal that not even myinner critic is allowed to interfere. I'd be more than happy to add an extra Alex to my prayers. I've also sent you a pm in the off chance you're in my country of origin. There's a fabulous center there for alanoners and its free.
Welcome Alex, I am glad that you are attending alanon meetings and feel that that it helps. As for finding a Higher Power, I must admit that I used the principles of alanon and the meetings as my HP for many years. I believed/believe that "it" was stronger , wiser and more powerful than I so I could pray and meditate on the program tools and receive answers from my inner guide . It worked completely.
As far as your love for your family and fear of the future is concered. Remember we are powerless over people,places and things and that alanon suggests we stay in the moment and in the day ,lettin the future unfold as it will. By the time the future arrives, if you keep working the program you will be stronger, wiser and more serene and will be able to handle it.
Keep working the program , bring home program literature and leave it around for mom to review and possibly she might decide to join you.
I too send welcomes to you Alex - glad you found us and glad you shared.....So sorry for the disease and how it's affecting your loved ones. What often helps me is to believe and hold onto everyone is doing the best they can with what they have - we all just 'have' different.
Families are difficult without this disease. They get beyond complicated with it. My family has many broken relationships and it pains me too. However, I felt when I got here that not considering a power great than myself would keep me stuck in uncertainty and pain. I too used the group and the program as a higher power. The steps state WE, so I believed in the power of more than one. That kept me going until I could define my own HP with clarity after some time in the program.
I know some use nature, others don't call it by name, still others use an entity from their youth - the beauty of recovery is you get to define/choose a HP of your understanding - unique to you and your recovery.
You are not alone - and I hope you keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome, Alex! I am glad to share my perspective on some of your questions.
How can I help mum without becoming responsible for her?
This is what I did, in the reverse situation. I was the wife, and I have adult children, around your age. Less than 2 years ago, when I was in the pit of despair about my alcoholic husband and started attending Al-Anon, I told my daughter that I was going to these meetings. I did not advise her to go, I just shared what I was doing and that it was helpful. I described what a meeting was like and shared that I found it helpful for me. I had no expectations that my daughter would do the same thing I did ... after all, children don't always follow their parents' advice, nor do parents always follow their children's advice.
But, my daughter on her own decided to find her own Al-Anon meeting. She caught on to the program quickly, we can share slogans and Al-Anon wisdom with each other. It strengthened both of us. Even though she no longer attends meetings, and I still do, it's a gift to both of us because we can communicate honestly.
How I address the HP issue
I also have resistance to the "God" word. But I decide to interpret it as just a word that can't hurt me (that's my perspective, and I respect everyone else's perspective on God or Higher Power). Instead, at this time, my Higher Power is other people.
Once I opened up to others in Al-Anon and in my trusted friends and family members, help came to me from many sources. Now there were ears to listen to me. There were people who understood addiction, and I didn't know before that these people had been affected in their lives the same way I had been. There were people who offered me places to stay when I needed a break, and people who offered to babysit my dog so I could take a mini vacation. There were people I could call and talk to when I was sitting outside my house because it was too stressful to be inside. There were people who helped me get my husband to the hospital when it became necessary. And people who told me it was OK to take care of myself.
I didn't pray "please help me," but I did in a sense pray by saying, in so many words, "I am in pain and I am powerless." And I was helped. I wish the same for you.
Thank you all for your replies and kind words. I'm not sure why I've had this awful run of bad "stuff" recently (now my dog is very sick after the surgery he had to fix him seems to have failed - just another thing). I keep saying "One MINUTE at a time" and trying to get on with my day, minute by minute. It just seems like an awful lot of minutes.
Hi love in the rain
Yes things can get better if you stick with al anon and do what is suggested. Get a sponsor work the steps. Regarding a higher power I am lucky I have spoken to something since I was a little girl I needed to in our house I felt so alone. I do not go to church I do not try to understand what my hp is I just communicate with it. Every morning I do the step three pray and hand my life over because I have learnt the hard way I am powerless. What have you got to loose how's it working trying to do it alone. I have to put the work in to build the relationship with my hp. It's the first thing I turn to it loves me and cares for me how I wish my parents could. My mum is a codependent too she is a grown up child of a alcoholic father I have learnt that I carnt do her recovery for her just like I could for my ABF. But my programme is dripping I am being a good role model today thanks to al anon I take better care of myself. They say the best way is to lead by example. Work on you you are important to give your parents to whatever you decide to trust in
Good luck and hugs Tracy
