Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Yankeerose · Senior Member

RE: Fiance's Returning From Rehab This Week...

Younglady · Member

Thank you for the support, advice, experiences and encouragement.

This is an incredibly difficult path to walk. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself but mostly I wish that our addicted loved ones could value themselves and step out of whatever hurt narrative they are stuck in.

I feel conflicted because my fiancee is not capable of being in a relationship and probably has never been as long as we've been together. At the same time I can't help but feel exhausted and dissatisfied with the way he functions in our relationship. He is selfish and thoughtless. He didn't buy me a Christmas present this year or write me a card or anything. That sounds petty and trivial but it isn't the first time and it kind of builds up.

This weekend he chose not to communicate with me while he just watched football and played video games with his little brother. I don't know why it bothered me so much but it did. I feel like my whole life is on hold for him and the least thing he could do is communicate. His input into this relationship is minimal at best and I feel exhausted and discouraged.

Addiction isn't just a dependence on a chemical, it seems to be a pervasive disease invading every aspect of his life and relationships.

I know it's unreasonable to expect him to function but at the same time, if he can't then maybe we shouldn't be together... We have broken up before and it looked like things were going so well for years this time, I don't know if we break up again that we should get back together.

I know this is long and rambling. I just feel awful. I know how much he loves me. It feels like in a different universe, we could have a healthy relationship that really expressed the way we feel about each other. I just don't know if that will ever be possible for us. He's such a hurt person and I've waited so long and tried to support him through everything but I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to become healthy or if that will ever happen...

Ugh.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

YL You are correct in your observation -- Alcoholism is a 3 fold disease that effects a person physically, emotionally and spiritually. Recovery on all 3 levels takes time and effort. We too have been affected in the same manner.

If you attend alanon face to face meeting you will be given some important new tools to live by, and important emotional support by those who truly understand. Once you pick up these principles, you will be able to keep the focus on yourself, re discover your dreams,while still treating your BF with love, courtesy and respect. There is hope Please keep coming back

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Young lady it is good that you stick with the board and by now you have received many good suggestions as to what you can do for yourself and how you have been affected by this disease...we all reach the point where the question "what have I done with what I have learned" becomes very important because solutions are here...tons of them. We get recovery by and with the follow thru we get in the program. It becomes our new experience that we live happily with. You can scroll back thru the shares of other members and learn what they learned and see the outcomes...some have been very good and others horrible...can you imagine positive outcomes for you in spite of him and his condition? Keep coming back and let us know how things are coming out for you. We already know how they will come out for him if he continues doing what he has always been doing...been there and done that. ((((hugs)))) smile

Younglady · Member

He relapsed...

He had 100 days sober and was in pain for a chronic condition and frustrated with how slow his medical care was and he relapsed.
We are having an emergency meeting with the counselor we've been seeing tomorrow.

I don't know what to think. It's devastating. Things had been going well and he was making slow progress. I could say 'I told you so' to his mom who let him move back in with no rules but what good would that do anyone? She's probably as upset, if not more so, as I am. At least now I know she'll take my advice and make him attend NA meetings, counseling and agree to random drug testing if he wants to live there.

He didn't tell me, I found out and then he told me.

But to think of starting over with everything from day one. I don't see how people ever recover from opiate addiction and how they ever have successful relationships if this can happen all the time.

I'm just one person too. I'm frustrated with everything, not just my addict. There are millions of families and partners out there just like me wondering if their addict will make it through this alive and the numbers are so discouraging and I feel like it doesn't matter to our government or the doctors who put this garbage out on the street.

It's heartbreaking and I really don't know what else to say. I'm sorry for any of you who have had to go through this too because it's so painful.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry YL This is indeed a dreadful progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. Please keep coming back, the alanon tools help ease the pain.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

YL - I am so sorry. I completely understand, as I have an ex-alcoholic/addict fiance of my own. Feel free to read my thread "Please Help" for background... Maybe something will resonate.

Anyways, I am SO SO terribly sorry you are going through this. I know the pain - as do many on here. I wish you luck and healing.

All my best,

Jaclyn

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry YL. As hard as this is, I know that from every painful situation I go through I grow as a person more so then when life is easy. I believe there is difference between a slip and a complete relapse. This may be a catylyst for him to take his recovery more seriously perhaps. Who knows, but more importantly it is a reminder of the powerfulness of the disease and the importance of us all doing what we need to do for ourselves so that our lives and happiness is not completely entwined with their outcomes. Take care .

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((YL))) - so sorry for the let-down you are experiencing. Relapse does stink and it makes everyone wonder what if, shoulda, coulda, woulda.....At the end of the day, no matter what the alcoholic/addict says, they feel far worse than anyone around them. Both of my boys were H addicts and it's dreadful....absolutely dreadful.

Be gentle with yourself - you couldn't change this, control this, cure this, etc. His recovery is on him and your recovery is on you. As far as epidemic - yes it is. It is progressive, powerful and unfortunately, painful for many. Do something kind for you - anything, small/large - doesn't matter. Give your mind a break from what has happened and consider what you are grateful for.

(((Hugs))) - you're not alone!

Younglady · Member

So just wanted to get some opinions and advice.

The fiance has done nothing since his relapse. He met with a counselor this past week but didn't like his "old-school AA mentality" and thought he was a "dick" and won't be seeing him again.
He thinks I am way too hard on him and am making him feel bad about himself because I am frustrated that he is not developing or in a treatment plan. He feels this is detrimental to his "recovery" and wants space which I am more than happy to give him. He feels I am working against the relationship because I won't let him move in unless he is in active treatment for his addiction.

I feel like the relationship is ending or already over. My heart is broken because he is someone I truly love but I won't put up with this. His mom is ineffective and quotes the bible all day thinking this somehow matters to a manipulative liar. He refuses to talk about his recovery plan with me any more because I am "obsessed with it." He says that his recovery choices have nothing to do with me even though we are engaged.

I'm sick of this.

What I'm most concerned about is his upcoming surgery. He will be having a hip surgery at the end of March and I know he hasn't told his surgeon about his opiate addiction or recent rehab stint. I'm concerned that he is looking for the meds, that this will precipitate a relapse. I refuse to support this surgery if the surgeon is unaware of his addiction. I think it's dangerous during the procedure and he is not seeing anyone or showing me a commitment to recovery or ANY change in his thinking. He believes (or says he does) that this surgery will help his recovery and refuses to discuss any futher with me.
I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to find out the surgeon's number, call him and say that he is a (poorly) recovered opiate addict and that should be considered with his analgesia. At least so the doctor knows not to give him bottles of pills or refills he doesn't need and shouldn't have.

I am sick to my stomach. I am heartbroken, sad and discouraged. I hate this disease of addiction and most of all, I am sorry that the man I love is so blinded by this goddamn addiction, he can't see the forest for the trees.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry this is happening. I think you're probably totally right about his lack of recovery and bad attitude.

Remember the Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. We're also advised not to either cause a crisis or prevent one. To me that says that trying to intervene with the surgeon would be trying to control his addiction - which we already know is not possible. If there were a way to control it, someone would have found it by now.

The sad truth is that whether or not your A gets pain medicine, he has easy access to many other substances he can abuse. And if he is not working a formal program of recovery, he will abuse them. That's what addicts do.

That's why we need our own recovery - because everyone around gets pulled into the insanity. We focus on them instead of on our own health and decisions. I hope you will take good care of you.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand your heartbreak and frustration. When I was in a similar situation -- loved one in medical condition complicated by alcoholism and a tendency to abuse prescription and over-the-counter medicines -- I struggled with the question of how much I should try to intervene by my own behavior and by trying to influence others. In my case, the doctors already were aware of the alcohol abuse -- but I agonized over whether I should tell friends and family, to try to make sure they did not innocently bring him substances that in my opinion would feed his addictions.

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't go to that extent. With my knowledge of the program and hearing others' experience, I can see that it would have just made my life more out-of-control with trying to control other people and situations. It would have been like using a teacup to try to bail the water out of a sinking ship. Instead, I needed to get on the lifeboat and save myself. I made a personal decision that I would not bring him anything with alcohol in it, or any of the medicines he had abused in the past -- but beyond that, I did not try to control others.

I was very angry, fearful, and frustrated. I found hope by using Al-Anon tools. The 3 C's -- as others have said -- were a life jacket I could grab onto. Sharing here and at F2F meetings also helped. The best thing I did was to turn that angry energy towards my own recovery, and focusing on why I was worth saving ... because if I did not save myself, living around this disease was going to bring down my health as well, and then I would not be any good to anyone.

The other thing I learned was not to try to deal with this alone, but to get support and help for myself. Once I opened up to trusted people about my own vulnerability, support came beyond what I could have expected. I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts that things will get better.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry to hear how your and his life has unfolded.

You are in the medical field, so there is one thing I would like to throw out. Alcoholic/addicts are hard to sedate. The anesthesiologist would probably love your input on his medical condition.... it IS a medical condition. They have to adjust their dosage appropriately. If the doctor goes into the surgery and doesn't have the information things are not as smooth. I was lucky with my AH that he could be honest with his docs when he had his 3 cancers. They knew what to expect.... but my AH had already had 7 years of AA under his belt and could be honest with them. I would have had a quiet word with them if he hadn't.

Keep on taking care of yourself. Try to get to AlAnon meetings. I realize you are in your final semester of training. Keep your focus on YOU!!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband took his own pain medication to the hospital when they did his triple by-pass surgery. He did share that he had a prescription for Tylenol 3 w/Codeine, but he also told them he only took them 'as needed' - which for him was way more than prescribed far more often than others would for passive, occasional pain...

Needless to say, these did not mix well with the other and he got caught. They made him relinquish control of all personal items to me to be locked in the car and taken home. They could have pressed charges and done a lot more, however they did not figure it out until after they did the surgery and felt badly for him and his 'needs'...

For a split second, I was embarrassed and mortified. But, I honestly had no idea he had brought in his own drugs and they reassured me this was not my problem.

Unless your fiance has cleared you, the doctor should not speak with you. All the news laws prohibit any discussion unless you've been allowed permission by the patient. This applied to my son's even once they became 18. If it were me, I would not engage. It's not my business and it's not part of my program to intervene in another person's journey. I would not lie if I were asked for information, but if not invited to share, I'd step away.

I am so sorry that this is the outcome. We never know when someone else will 'get recovery' or not. If you can, choose your own recovery, just for today and see if you can find some inner peace.

(((Hugs))) to you and positive thoughts from my part of the world. Please keep coming back! We're just a post away!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Our stories are so very similar... You are just at a much "earlier" stage of the story. You also have better boundaries than I ever did. I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. (PS - check out my original thread from last year if you'd like. May resonate.)

Bettina2 · Veteran Member

younglady,

I understand that you are conflicted. All of us that have been married or in a relationship with a substance abuser, have been conflicted. In my 25 year marriage to an alcoholic addict I was always conflicted, should I stay or should I go. I too loved the addict. And sometimes I was ambivalent about him when he did go into rehab and was away , and the many nites he did not come home. I didn't miss him, but I loved him.

And Alcohol and drug addicted, same issues, they are not different from each other . A substance abuser is a substance abuser, they just choose their poison.

This is an important crossroad in your life, planning to be married and planning your life. You should be proud that you recognize that this could be a problem and you might be affected for the rest of your married life. I would really give it some time and some research and some Alanon to hear the experiences of the women and men married to substance abusers. Yes, relapse it is a strong reality. Who wants to start off a marriage with liability's. Some marriages work and some don't survive. But really weigh the issues at hand.

Only you can make the decision and if you are not sure to marry or not....do nothing until you are sure. Time is on your side...Keep reading the experience on this board. It will help you.

best to you
Bettina

Younglady · Member

Thank you for all the heartfelt and insightful replies.
I have been very grateful for the support.
It is hard for me talk about this with anyone because most people seem to believe that addiction is the death knell of a relationship and there is basically no chance of improvement.
Especially considering we're engaged it seems most of my friends and family think that I should have ended things by now and let him live his life which will inevitably lead to overdose and death.
That sounds harsh but that seems to be the predominant message I'm getting from people I'm close to: Get out.

I don't know what to think. I don't want to be pessimistic but I can also see how it's easy to lose hope. This is breaking my heart. I don't want to be naive and commit to a marriage of misery and lies but I also don't want to give up on someone who I love and value so much.

I have been to several alanon meetings but I can't commit to them fully as I am months away from getting my medical license and need intense amounts of time to study.

Does anyone have advice for dealing with the sadness?

He gets frustrated when I'm sad, partly because he feels guilty. But I am sad and when he asks why, it should be obvious. He wants me to encourage him that he can do this when I need him to give me real proof that he will by actually following through on his commitments to recovery.
It's like a catch 22.

And under all of it is this intense sadness that the man I love is so sick and I am powerless to do anything.

I will never enable him. I will not marry him unless he is in recovery.

I just don't know how to encourage him to follow through when I am so discouraged and saddened by the situation.

This is probably a long and rambling post but I'm exhausted and numb.
Thanks for any and all advice.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

YL Alcoholism is a devastating disease Feeling "sad" is a normal human reaction to the diagnosis. Being able to encourage someone, who will not follow a proven treatment solution, is not easy and requires that you deny your own reality and pretend -- That is not healthy.

I am sorry you are not able to attend face to face meetings and suggest that you try the on line meetings held here 2xs a day. With the support of those who understand as few others can, I was able to let go of my fears, anger, resentment and sadness while developing new constructive tools to live by . Accepting Life on Life's terms and responding in a healthy manner is very important.

There are no guarantees in life and this is a chronic progressive disease as are so many others. Learning how to respond while taking care of my own needs worked.
Keep coming back

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

YL,

Big hugs, .. you know my XMIL was also an A and her response to my XAH being an alcoholic was that he went to rehab and therefore he's cured and that was definitely not the reality of addiction of any kind.

Addiction is a life long thing. I have one friend who happens to be one of my best friends who I can honestly say doesn't have an addictive personality. She used crack (regularly) at one point and walked away and never touched it again. She had used many different kinds of drugs and walked away from them all. She's one of the like that less than 1% of the human race I swear. Ironically married an addict and couldn't figure out why he couldn't do the same thing as she did .. walk away .. her and I have actually gotten into arguments over addiction and how it works .. LOL .. we agree to disagree on the subject and for me the answer goes back to not everyone is hardwired like she is .. had I done what she did .. I would be a total crack whore. It just is what it is and I know that's not something I could handle on any level and I would loose everything and probably die.

Anyway, my point is .. this is going to be a lifelong struggle and it will be in your relationship in some way be it by the activity of the user or by the sobriety that will have to come with it. Believe it or not that brings on a whole other mire of issues in relationships. IF he doesn't find sobriety (pills or otherwise) IF he continues to use is this a deal breaker for you? Can you live with an active addict? I don't mean just for today. I mean 5 - 10 - 15 years down the road you wake up and this person you love is still using. You are an incredibly strong person if can love an addict right where they are at and let them be in their disease while living your life. It doesn't come without a cost and to me weighing the cost of what am I willing to give up and what am I willing to accept as a relationship. A relationship with an active addict can be very one sided. Loving someone who can't love themselves and needs to blame others for their own issues. What is the cost professionally or personally? To have children or not have children? Can you not loose yourself in the mire of their confusion?

It's not that addiction is death to a relationship .. it's weighing the cost of what it means to be in an addictive relationship, are you truly willing to pay that cost and if nothing changes being ok with that decision.

Big hugs and I do hope you are able to get to whatever meetings work for you because even though we live life one day at a time .. sometimes looking out and saying what are my own personal long term goals is not a bad thing.

S :)

Younglady · Member

Thank you for your support.

We have been meeting with a priest and met today. It was difficult and a lot of stuff came up but I thought it ended on a positive note.
However tonight I found spoons in his toiletry bag and a ziplock with white powder residue in his backpack. (Maybe I shouldn't be looking but I did, so that's that.)

I know he isn't sober and is lying about stopping.

I don't know the next step. Do I give an ultimatum? We're supposed to meet a counselor just for him next week. I was going to attend. Should i bring it up there?

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have a deadline in mind for when I need to leave if he continues to choose to use.
It's breaking my heart, not only for our relationship but mostly for the man I love, who seems to be unable to stop. I'm afraid he will die from this addiction. I'm so heartbroken right now I can't even describe it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

YL he already knows that you need him to stop so repeating your ultimatum would simply be reasserting your boundaries. I would not worry about when or how to tell him, as the most important issue is that you find support for yourself at this difficult time and are able to follow through with your decision whatever it may.

I know that you feel that you are not able to attend alanon face to face meetings so that attending the on line meetings held her 2xs a day might give you the tools you need to handle the sadness and make a decision focused on yourself. Keep coming back

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene