The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has been abusing marijuana and Alcohol for as long as I have known him and for many years before that. When we met, we were in the party scene but never did hard drugs so I guess I never thought it was a big deal. Fast forward 17 years, 2 kids later I'm no longer in the party scene, he still is and is drinking and smoking most every day. For this audience, I don't have to describe the lack of balance in our relationship. I'm not only the breadwinner but in my estimation the only adult in the relationship. I enabled him for all these years and accepted his rationale for why I should... It finally took me catching him cheating (he still says he wasn't; just seeking inappropriate attention) for me react. I left the house for a few days and then kicked him out so I could think. I cut him off financially. He swore up and down that he would do anything to make things right. 10 days from finding out about the cheating, he was adamant that he wanted to go to rehab and start over. He has been resolute since he made the decision.
So he's been there for 4 days and he seems like an entirely different person. 4 days... how is that possible? He has had revelations not just about his substance abuse but about the downstream effects on his mood, emotions, anger, his perception of me and our marriage etc. It seems crazy to me that after all the fighting, complaining, crying begging and bitching that all it took was for him to really feel like he could lose me to realize that he needed to do something. I'm skeptical, although I don't let him know this. It feels naive to think that rehab is this magic bullet that will solve all our problems. For one, how am I supposed to get over the years of boozing and spending and letting me carry his weight? Plus when he gets back, he still won't have a job so how is that going to work? He'll be sober but still unable to care for himself or contribute to the household. I don't know if I can't let him live at home without a job. It will feel too familiar and I can imagine the anger boiling. I don't know if I can be genuinely supportive with all of this anger. How do I take care of myself and not allow myself to be a doormat while still being supportive of his recovery? The kids have been great so far. We were honest with them and they are heartened by the fact that there could be a solution to the fighting and chaos.
Do marriages ever last after recovery? Can alcoholics/drug abusers really stay sober forever? Is it really possible to forgive and move on?
I can't answer too many of your questions as I have only just begun my road to recovery. But I can say WELCOME! You have found a community that can help you work through all the pain, anger and resentment, with the emphasis on both the words "you" and "work". There are many courageous people here that can help you answer many questions for yourself. All of those things CAN happen, but that does not mean they will. Al-anon can and will help you find peace in your daily life if you let it. Glad you are here!
I wish I could answer your questions but am in a similar boat.., My AW is 11 days in rehab and shows many of the same changes. I'm hopeful that it will work this time but far from sure.
All we can do is sort our feelings and heal ourselves so we can be ready to move on to our own peace with or without them. It's in Gods hands now so we have to let go and let him deal the cards. I know that if I don't get things sorted out inside me that the marriage won't work regardless of her continued recovery.
Welcome to a good place to learn how... and best wishes
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us here on the web!
Alcoholism is a sneaky and powerful disease which is also progressive. Alanon helps family members and friends who love the alcoholic work on themselves to find peace no matter what is going on around them.
While you AH is taking care of his disease, take care of you. If you can find local F-2-F (Face to Face) Alanon meetings in your area, try to attend. You will find folks who will support you and help lead you to some peace and tools.
So glad you are here - you will be OK and know that you are not alone!
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My alcoholic wife went to her second rehab, and had similar revelations. She was in the right place at the right time to finally make her understand what she would lose if she continued the way she was. She was in jail for 10 days without bail, when our lawyer cut a deal for her to go to rehab, and after wearing orange for 10 days with no hope of getting out, she gave in - when she got to rehab, she just said "tell me what I have to do to get sober" and she did. And she has been sober over 1.5 years now.
In the meantime, I had to get myself adjusted to this new reality. I had not only built up a lot of anger, but already had poor behaviors from before she ever turned into an A. Al Anon helped me with all of that.
Our recovery together has been difficult. There are still some days that we both swear we are just done. But we are making it, with the help of AA and Al Anon.
