The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im 28 and attended alanon consistenly for about 5 years, but havent been in about 3 years, alanon turned my life around, and i still am able to work through alanon concepts and relate them to my everyday life, i just felt i wasnt getting as much from the meetings anymore as i had great compassion and had got over previous resentments of my alcoholic family members and was able to lead a really positive life through everything alanon taught me.
Both my mother and father were alcoholics, my mum passed away when i was 8 and had left my dad to bring us up 5 years prior to this, which i found difficult to accept, alanon helped be overcome this and have compassion for my mum who was so badly affected by the disease of alcoholism.
My dad was also an alcoholic and struggled with depression and grief for years with numerous suicide attempts, me and my dad had an excellent relationship and i always helped where i could and stood by him through it all, alanon helped me with this too. In the last fee years my dad managed to get a job and his drinking was more under control and wasnt quite as dependant and managed to find a parter 23 years after my mum.
I have a sister who struggled with resentment for bith parents and decided she couldnt take anymore so she had very limited contact with my dad and also myself for the last 15 years. she has been gravely affected by my mum and dad and struggled that i still chose to have a very close relationship with my dad, shes never seeked help and often takes on a poor me role, she is very bitter and her past defines her and she makes sure everyone knows this , she often exaggerated how bad things were. We are very different people as i choose to try and be grateful for my past as its made me the person i am, i have love and compassion for my parents but my sister hasnt found this.
Last December my dad had went missing, me and his partner were extremely close and most other family members had all taken a step back as my dads behaviour could be very destructive, his partner and i tried to track him down and waited 24 hours and then had contacted the police, two days later my dad was found and he had commited suicide, we were devastated as it had came out of the blue.
We really struggled with his death and when it came to arrange the funeral we found my sister had already started the process. She had went against my dads wishes as he had already spoken about his wishes as he had cancer prior to this and had told us what he wanted. We tried to reason with her and tell her what my dad wanted, but as my dad and his partner werent married legally she couldnt do anything, i had to see a lawyer and the only option to stop her wouldve been to put a hold on the funeral which we thiught wouldve been too distressing for my gran, my dads mother who is 90 and i am also very close with, aswell as this i was 8 months pregnant when it happened.
At the same time my sister contacted the police trying to implicate my dads partner in his death, which was completely untrue and my sister had never met her as she had been estranged for years. I stood by her side naturally and my sister continued to fabricate things and make it more distressing, of course the police knew the facts right away and it was clear she was estranged.
My sister turned other family members against me and continued a bit of a witch hunt, telling everyone i had lied about my dads drinking when i was 9, and all other sorts of nonsense, i was always protective of my dad and although he drank i was always happy and well cared for with him so i did used to play down his drinking, whereas she would always shout it from the rooftops and had no interest in building a relationship which was her choice. My choice was to see past the alcholism and see the lovely dad that was there.
so now i understand that her taking over the funeral and causing triuble for i and his partner was probably out of guilt, and to deflect from her poor relationship with him, but it's something im really struugling with, they made facebook pages slating us bith and made things much worse, when none of the family had any involvement in his life, i doubt i could ever have a relationship with any of these people again as my dad was so important to me and they took away from my grieving without any compassion for me being pregnant either.
in the last year ive managed to get stronger and see past some of the terrible things that happnened with my sister, and try and focus on the memories i had with my dad. suicide is such a difficult thing to get over anyway but its hard when people who showed no care to him in life and had bad relationships when he was alive and now have resntment for me and his partner when all we did was be there for him, and then when he dies to take ownership of him and away from us, im sorry this is probably allot to take in as ive rambled, but if anyone could give me some tips on getting past the loss of my dad, and understanding people like my sister who have been so badly affected by the disease and continuing to cause dramatic events, shes unable to let go of the past in anyway and has extreme self pity. Im proud of my dad for bringing us up and i dont profess he was perfect but we lived one another, i know this is part of the resentment my sister has too, but she couldve had a relationship too but she chose not to and wouldnt allow him to her wedding or be part of his grandchildrens life, but then take over in his death, she still has his ashes which he wanted his partner and i to scatter in a special place of ours, but my sister refuses to let the ashes go which is strange as she was so ashamed of him when he was alive,
ive probably weitten too much ive never used an online group before sorry!
Im sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with. It also sounds like you are dealing with it all extremely well. It could be that you need the support of meetings again. I believe we dont ever get cured as such, we are given tools to help us recover but without meetings it doesnt take me long and the stinking thinking comes back little by little.
your sister sounds like a very hurt human being, and her lashing out is evidence of this. You were both brought up by your dad but you can still have very different experiemces within the same setting. Her truth of her childhood is true for her as is yours. Your father was loved by you and you had compassion but in my experience that doesnt come easy and for some people will never be there for them. You learned compassion and forgiveness, maybe its a chance for you to do the same for your sister. You had time with your dad which is priceless, maybe your sister needs his ashes more than anyone else.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Father! You have been through such a tragic event without it seems very much support. What I have found in my years of practicing Al Anons Steps, Traditions and working my own recovery is that We can't do better Until we Know better, if that makes sense. You chose to work through life events in Alanon but your sister has not chosen to work through her issues. Like Alcoholism we can't control, change, cure anyone else but ourselves. What I took away from your story was you Loved your Father. I see or hear so many conversations where people Bash their supposed loves ones because they have the disease of addiction. I have always believed everyone is deserving of love, your Father was so very blessed to have you and his partner in his life. You described unconditional love and isn't that something we all long for?
I would have to guess your sister may very well be feeling guilty. Her coping mechanism is to make herself look like a victim and those like you and your Dad's Partner who don't buy into her "poor me" act get thrown to the wolves.
The good news is you know the reality of how you grew up, you learned Love, Forgiveness, Compassion etc whereas she got stuck in victim role. Until she sees this for herself what can you do? I've seen way to many times how families deal not only with death but with suicide. Initially the family may come together but it isn't long before people need someone to blame and they turn on each other. When I worked as a Psych Nurse I saw this happen many times.
Maybe getting back to Alanon can help you through the grieving process. We have Great meetings here in the morning and evening where you will find very loving support!
In my opinion I don't believe we ever "Get Over" the loss of a Loved One because they are still very much present in our Hearts and Memories. I think we gradually learn to live without their physical presence in our lives. My Big Brother Jim passed away 4 years ago this month. Although 15 years of recovery under his belt he still died from this disease. Losing him was more tragic for me than losing my parents, and he isn't here physically but I talk to him often. Before making decisions I may ask myself "What would Jim do?". My son is an addict and sometimes in my prayers I ask my Brother and My Father to somehow show themselves to my son, to guide him somehow to recovery. That sounds crazy to a lot of people, thankfully I've also learned through this program "What other people think of me is none of my business". That slogan saves my sanity quite a bit.
Family dealing with suicide often blame themselves or others. Please know once a person makes that choice if you even happened to know about it, nothing aside from restraining them forever is going to stop them. It is much like addiction. As a parent myself I know I would never want anyone to blame themselves for choices I make. I do hope you know it isn't your fault.
My prayers are with you & i hope you keep those good memories and hold on to them.
I hope any of this made sense, writing on very little sleep here. Keep coming back!
Thank you very much and that really made sense, i really liked the part you said about we cant do better until we know better, and i guess whatever her opinions of me are none of my business either, as your right in my heart and soul i know the truth, its just really difficult the way she behaved around his death and in the year thats passed, she tried to stop my dads partner out of his home and until recently has tried various other hurtful things. Its so sad as none of it respects his memory and keeping the ashes is against his wishes and he had written down what he wanted, its very frustrating to not be able to carry out any of his wishes.
But maybe this is her strange way of gaining control over it all, shes 7 years older than me and seems to have been this way her whole life, i do have compassion for her too as i know she remembers the breakdown of my mum and dads martiage and my mum walking away which must have been difficult, but shes quite narscisstic and behaves like its a competition as to who went through most hurt, she moved out when i was 11 and i was exposed to previous suicide attempts, one i night i called and asked for help and she replied to little to late! So its frustrating that what if he had died that night and that had been her response, and she done everything she could to push him away so taking over his funeral baffles me, maybe she felt that was her way of closure but went about it in the wrong way.
I have really thought about going back to meetings, but since my dads death i had my baby and dont have much in the way of childcare as my partners in the army and my dads partner who is now gran works long shifts. I think in regards to my sister a relationship wouldnt really be rebuilt there, as i say from 11 contact has been minimal and since doing that to me and my dad in his passing when he was so previous to me is hard to get over. I suppose im just really grateful i found alanon which allowed me to get over my past and make the best of my relationship with him in the years i had, and your right the hole he has left will never go away, i probably just need to try and find comfort in what we had and focus on good rather than dwelling on my sisters behaviour as thats another thing i cant change.
Some other family member who didnt speak to my dad go along with he version that im a terrible liar and he couldve hot help ive i hadnt protected him as a child, when they all knew he was drinking anyway and no one dine anything, they all knew i was well cared for or else why didnt they do something, but the other family members who knew the truth are really disgusted by it all but when they speak up they just get a barrage of abuse too, so its caused a huge divide which is really sad, i prefer a quite life and like to avoid arguments where possible, so i guess moving past this stage of my life and letting go is where i need to be!
Thanks for your kind words, i think ive digressed in parts its hard to get used to it all as its been so long since ive spoke really openly about things!
and isn't that something we all long for?