Definitions - Al-Anon Family Group

ssilver · Member

Definitions

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Only you can decide if you are codependent, after I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie I decided I was. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that book helped me to see my own denial. I am glad you found us and sound like you are working a good program. Sending you love and support!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

ssilver

I understand your concern and have had a similar awareness as I traveled through the Al-Anon tools. Your description of your relationship sounds very familiar and many in Al-Anon will testify to the fact that they experienced this as well.

Al-Anon tools enabled me to detach, redefine my needs, my wants and allowed me the freedom to express myself. When I found myself, my voice, my self-esteem, I was free to be me and share that person with my family.

The steps especially 4 through 12 paved the way for my family to understand what I was working towards and who I was. You are not alone. You deserve to rediscover yourself and your joy.

Keep coming back the program will give you the courage serenity and wisdom to keep on keeping on. The best is yet to come

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Ssilver and thank you for the post...perspective was a huge part of my learning with my sponsor and each time I read a share like yours I get different perspectives and new awarenesses. You're learning well...very good. Might be that your mind is wide open and you have good vision. Detachment for me is and was an Al-Anon artform which further lead to the miracle of my own recovery. I learned also that I couldn't be my alcoholic/addict mirror because the alcohol and drugs were her focus always. I wasn't supposed to be in the first place. I was supposed to be her spouse and partner not her mirror or therapist or priest or counselor...and attempts to help her had me looking for help for myself and I never got that until I came into Al-Anon completely broken. Co-dependency is an old term and comes from the mental health industry. When I first heard it decades ago it was said to mean "also dependent upon the chemical behavior". That angered alot of "non-drinking" friends, family, associates of the alcoholic who didn't drink with them and got worse off because we didn't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out the terrible reality of it. So...for me...I rarely use that term. Detachment for me means I don't get stuck in or with or by the goings on around me. I have no practicing alcoholic in my life today that I live with so detachment is like not wearing a coat of velcro...nothing sticks to me that I cannot or will not decide is relevant. I can participate without the stickiness. If I find a person or event causing me to react in a way I don't want...it drops to the floor, I step over it, I walk away to something better...for me. Al-Anon has lots of great literature like Dillema of an Alcoholic Marriage and more....check out the literature site at http://ecomm.al-anon.org/shop? and see whats to offer. Check the ltierature table at the meeting you're going to go to also. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 14th of January 2014 05:56:21 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me taking one day at a time is doing everything i can that day, then resting, playing whatever. Learning to find happiness in the hardest times.

Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drew. Have you read that? Great one. volume ONE.

I don't consider it waiting, I consider it growing and in recovery. Recovering is forever. Even now with no A husband I still continue to learn in Al Anon and get along so well with all kinds of people. Using all the skills, I have changed my life so very much for the good.

It doesn't matter what he does, or if he does anything. Part of one day at a time takes away that. His disease is his own, none of my business. Myself I told my AH his disease was his and I honestly wanted no part of it. that I loved him and wanted to hear about him.

For me nothing in life is waiting, each day is what is important to me.

You sound very good, I can see you doing great in Al Anon. You are willing to work the program.

As far as him, I remember reading a long time ago addicts do not like to go down alone, so they bring others with them. I call it that they are in a pit. they drag us in, and hopefully we all of a sudden realize hey! What about ME? I lost me. So we begin climbing out.

their illness sucks the life out of us. It does NO ONE any good. They have a right to do and be who and what they are, and so do we. If we make it together good if not, whats next?

We will always support you! love,debilyn

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

in alanon, we learn detachment with love .. the love piece was foreign to me .. love isn't just a feeling, it's an action too .. kindness in words, etc .. presentation .. sometimes the love is for me; others it's for the a .. sometimes i can state my thought, say a loving kind word, and let it be .. in my family, everyone was detached .. from eachother .. it was more of a punishing silence .. this is a great example of what detachments not .. but after awhile it helped to learn to be more loving in my presentation while still able to continue to detach from my obsession on them and put the focus back where it belonged .. on me .. i don't always do it perfectly and i'm so human in the steps .. but so greatful for all the learning and the fellowship .. so glad you are getting to a meeting !

ssilver · Member

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on my thoughts. And, especially the book recommendations. Our meeting is low on books, so there hasn't been what I was looking for. I'll look into other resources. For now I'm reading Paths to Recovery and keeping One Day at a Time and Courage to Change for daily use.

Sometimes I wonder when detachment becomes a self-hardening, or even a form of passive aggressiveness. I desperately want to be able to detach with love. It bothers me to realize how much we have lost or maybe destroyed by staying in denial.

I want to find a way to stay with him, to love him and myself at the same time. That is why I am continuing my f2f meetings in spite of AH's almost ludicrous attempts to deter me. He is begging, demanding, and bargaining with me not to attend. Tonight he promised to stop fighting with me if will stop going to my meetings. I said if he could do that then he should anyway. He feels I am being punitive and "in his face." There is no reasoning with him, so I have quit. I don't bring it up,. I try to be friendly. Every evening he asks if I still intend to go, I say yes, and he sleeps in his chair. He's quite distraught. So, I have really questioned myself and decided that yes, indeed, I need/want to continue. Yes, indeed it may be in his face. And, that may be just what he needs. Whatever. I find it so ironic that this could be the proverbial straw, and not his refusal to attend a meeting!

Sabrina

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are taking care of you!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.