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My husband and I have been together off and on for the last ten years. I was 14 when we met, he was 18. I have a four year old daughter and I am currently almost six months pregnant with our second little girl. During the beginning stages of our relationship, he was a drinker from the start, but me being so young, I was extremely naive of course. Anyway, long story short, we were separated for about five years and he lived in another state. During that time, he became a deep alocholic. I'm surprised he didn't die, it got so terrible. When we decided we wanted to try again, he took two years before moving back home to go to AA and get himself straight. He did an amazing job. He has been back home since 2011 and we were recently married in June 2012. He never touched a drop of alochol the entire time he was back home. Shortly after we married, we were at a July 4th party, and I asked him to drink with me.
Yes, I know... my biggest mistake ever. After that, we began drinking together quite often. (Me drinking wine, him drinking pretty much whatever.) We both realized we were drinking too much together, we decided that we would both stop. (Mainly.. I was worried about him going back to his old ways.)
After that discussion..... A couple of times, he left work late at night and went out drinking with his friends, and drove home DRUNK (Which I suppose I should mention, he does NOT have a driver license because he got a DUI so many times when he was out of state!!) and I found him at like 5AM in our drive way passed out in the car. The second time, I got a call from the sheriff at 3AM, and he had pulled into a gas station and had passed out in the car! I had to go down to pick him up, and go back and get the car the next day. (Luckily the officers had a heart.) After this incident... I made him swear to never drink again. Me just finding out I was pregnant with our second (I was about two/three months pregnant at this time) I had a complete break down. He promised me that he would never do it again and that he wouldn't drink anymore.
Ok, so that is that. Now... I'm about six months pregnant. Around Thanksgiving time 2012, he began drinking O'Douls. He'd come home and I'd smell the alochol smell on his breath and freak, and he would show me the O'Douls and told me it was non alocholic. After researching it and seeing exactly what it is.... ok, so he can't get drunk... but it still bothers me SO much that he is drinking it, and everytime I smell it on him, it makes me literally sick to my stomach. But, I had decided that since he is ONLY drinking the O'Douls, that I would let it slide and trust him.
Well, I was just looking around him computer desk searching for something, when I came across a reciept from a gas station dated from December 1st... (its Jan 29 now so the reciept is obviously over a month old.....) but what was ON the reciept made me SICK. He purchased two 6PK's of O'Douls.... okay... and also two Ice House beers.
I know it was only two beers... but just seeing this proof on this receipt that he was drinking the ODouls as well as the IceHouse... makes me wonder... how many other times has he done this exact same thing, and when I smell it on him and think its the O'Douls... (and he TELLS ME its the ODouls)... how many times has it been the non alocholic stuff AND the real stuff?
Besides that, what do I do? The receipt is over a month old, so I almost feel foolish to start a huge discussion over something that happened so long ago, but should I still say something to him about it? Like, "Hey, you swore to me you'd never drink alochol again and here's a damn reciept for Ice House" ....I just wonder how many times he has done this behind my back and I never knew. I mean, I wouldn't even know how had I not found this reciept that i'm sitting here starting at right now! I'm so sick to my stomach.
My husband is an amazing man and an amazing father. He works two jobs, he works so hard for us. I know he is so stressed out with working so much, and providing for us, and having another baby on the way soon, but this isn't an excuse.
I let the ODouls go, even though THAT made me sick... but now... I just don't know what to do. Please offer me some advice.
Also, this is my first time ever posting here and I just came across this site about ten minutes ago. Thank you for hearing me out and for any advice in advance.
I'm only going to speak of my own experience with my AH and the NA beer. AH was sober/dry for 15 years. He started drinking NA beer and mixing it with regular beer to lessen the intoxication but still get his beer fix. I didn't know he was doing this, I thought he was just drinking NA beer. It eventually progressed to full blown binge drinking and the hard alcohol, too. Then, he said he knew the hard alcohol was a problem so he'd just stick with beer. Nope, that didn't work either. Anyway, my AH doesn't drink every day. Actually, he can go a month or so without but he loses control very easily and the hard alcohol can really send him over the edge, as it did the night he got his DUI.
Anyway, all I have to say is: Get thee to an Al Anon meeting, LOL! Keep coming back here, ask questions, etc but a real face to face meeting can be a true godsend for you. It's pointless to question what he's drinking or whether he's drinking. In your heart, you probably know the answer. I got to a point where I stopped asking about it even when I knew he was drinking and driving. I could tell when he used Listerine to cover the smell of the beer. The arguments became futile. Al Anon has answers for you and one of them is that you cannot cure it. You can't control it. And, you didn't cause it.
You have little ones and yourself to take care of. Please find a meeting where you feel comfortable. You know, if I go too long before getting to a meeting I find myself obsessing, trying to step in, worrying etc. But, if I go regularly to meetings( I aim for a minimum of 2 a week) I feel a peace and a calming and a personal power that makes me realize that I can only control myself, and even that takes a lot of work. I had to learn to keep my hand's off of him, whether he was drinking or not. It can be done. Al Anon has a great pamphlet on detachment. I keep it in my car and read it when I am at stoplights. Keep coming back!
Thank you so much for your reply. Had me in tears. You are right, I really do know in my heart that he has been drinking for real, even if he's drinking the NA beer too. My husband and I communicate about everything, we don't keep things from each other and we always are very open. (Obviously he isn't being with this) so I am just going to talk to him about it. We never "fight", yes, we argue, but he's never even so much as raised his voice at me. That's just how we have always been since he moved back home... just very real with each other. So I know he isn't going to flip out on me if I try to talk to him. I am going to ask him to begin going to AA again.
I don't know anything about AA... is it free? Do you have to pay? I have no info on anything. I guess its time for me to do some researching in my area!!
AA is absolutely completely free, as is Al Anon. Al Anon is for the loved ones who are affected by someone else's drinking whether it be a spouse, child, or parent. AA is for the alcoholic. You can do an internet search and I'm sure you'll find plenty of meetings for AA and many supporting meetings for Al Anon, as well.
Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it so very much. my husband is at work now, but I am currently in the process of writing him a very long email because I am afraid I will forget half of what i want to say by the time he gets home, ha. Thank you again.
Long e-mails to an active A are an exercise in frustration and futility. He IS active in his disease.
I would encourage you to use whatever energy you have towards YOUR recovery and well being. His recovery is his to manage his way through, including (apparently), trying to lie his way through his drinking by way of O'Douls....
I strongly recommend the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. That book literally saved my sanity.
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I sent many "long letters/emails" to my AH. That never worked in my personal experience. Take of yourself first - that's the only person you really have control of: YOU! My AH died this month of his alcoholism. I survived the effects of this horrific disease, he did not.
We didn't cause this disease of alcoholism, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
Two books that have really helped me are One Day at a Time and the Courage to Change. They are available at Al-Anon meetings and on-line.
My husband was a big O'Douls drinker - it only prolonged him getting help and buried his and my head in the sand.
Conversations and E-mails won't help - only action taken by the alcoholic has long lasting effects.
Alcoholics can all be wonderful husbands, wives, family members but they all suffer from a disease which in many cases is fatal.
I've been through it all - looking at receipts, asking questions that I know the answer to, smelling the rotten stench of alcohol and the sickening smell of mouthwash covering it up.
Alcoholics without a formal program of recovery will drink -- that's what they do.
I also had the same experience -- thinking he wasn't drinking, and then finding a receipt that gave it away.
I learned that alcoholics also lie and deceive, however much we beg them not to. It's part of the disease.
I should add that I was also pregnant when I found out.
What happened in my case is that my A swore up and down that he was stopping, etc. etc. etc. Two years later I found out he had not stopped, when he endangered our toddler through taking care of him and passing out drunk. In my case I chose to separate. (I am leaving out a ton of stuff, but believe it when I saw I tried everything first.)
What I will say from my own experience is: get as much support for yourself as you can. Al-Anon support, new-mother support, friends to help out, people to rely on. THat's good advice for any new mother. Extra important for someone whose husband is an active drinker.
