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I'm totally new here but this stuff exasperates me sometimes. I worked with my mom for years and she got SO much better and didn't drink for months at a time. Now, every 2-3 days, she comes home in the early afternoon slurring her words and apparently thinks it doesn't bother my dad and I. And when this happens, my dad gets frustrated because her conversations don't make sense.
All I'm asking is-- Should I just try to totally ignore this and go about my own business? It's really hard to ignore when you live with someone. I spent years helping her and I'm done with that. Thanks.
P.S. In the past, this really messes up my day and gives me immeasurable stress. If it's any help to anyone else, after years of dealing with this, trying different methods, I found what works best in my situation is I just act very understanding, be nice, basically don't mention it, try to apply my Christian upbringing. This is the only thing that ever made it better.
-- Edited by zeninator on Friday 25th of November 2011 02:18:13 PM
-- Edited by zeninator on Friday 25th of November 2011 02:20:51 PM
I'm so............. very glad that you are done with trying to fix your mom, because as you have learned you can't. She has to do it.
I understand the stress related to living with active alcoholism. What I highly suggest is that you find Al-Anon in your phone book, call the number and get a meeting as soon as you can.
At meetings you will find people who understand exactly what you are going through and have been through. Please try at least 6 meetings. Don't determine if meetings are for you on your initial visit. If I had, I would have never found the answers to my questions, nor the peace that I now live with daily. Also, try different meetings if you can. Each meeting group has its own "flavor."
It can get better!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
How very informative and kind your response is; thanks. I will look into that. I think they have those meetings at our church actually. Although I probably shouldn't go there because I would run into someone my mom knows.
One other question-- Do any alcoholics ever sober up permanantly? I was on top of the world when my mom was sober for such a relatively long time and you can imagine my despair when she started drinking again. Thanks again. ;)
Absolutely there are many A's who get (permanently) sober, and they do it one day at a time.
As for the meetings - this recovery is for you - if you can find somewhere else, that's great, but please don't let the fact that it is at your Mom's church persuade you from seeking the recovery you need for YOU.
Take care, and welcome to MIP
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There are A's who achieve long term and life long sobriety - case in point, my husband's sponsor and my therapist have nearly 30 years. Never lose hope - but realize that it's up to her and try to live your life as richly as possible. Alanon will help with that. In support, nyc
Aloha Zeninator and welcome to the board also. One of the many things I learned in the program of Al-Anon was to use compassion and empathy when my alcoholic/addict relationships were in the grips of alcohol and drug and not in the same world as I was. Frustrating and maddening? yes...made me angry and wild? yes...confused the hell out of me? you bet... harmed and damaged our relationship? that for sure and I came to see her alwyas as a sick person not a bad one. Alcoholism is a disease, a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which affects everyone it comes into contact with.
Go get your Dad and tell him that you've heard that the Al-Anon Family Groups which are for the friends, associates and family of alcoholics can really help those affected by someone elses drinking and then take him and yourself to the very next meeting. Go with an open mind and there will be lots of chairs and room for you both. Sit down and listen with an open mind and follow the suggestions of the group.
Glad you found MIP and sobriety is permanent one day at a time. Since the past is done and the future is not here yet sobriety happens in the present. I've been sober...alcohol and any other mind and mood altering chemical for 32+ years in progressively better stages.
Jerry F wrote:Go get your Dad and tell him that you've heard that the Al-Anon Family Groups which are for the friends, associates and family of alcoholics can really help those affected by someone elses drinking and then take him and yourself to the very next meeting.
Read your whole post, just quoting part of it-- Actually, because my mom's cousin was an alcoholic who died of it, my dad has had a lot of experience with this already. He already knew not to get so involved as I wanted to and such. My dad actually made his own peace with this long before I ever even started to and I'm sure that dragging him along would only be regressive to him. I am very lucky that my mom, when she drinks now, drinks much less, and much less frequently. Things have gotten better and I believe they will continue to be even better in the future. I may be a very lucky minority in this.
You and your dad can go to Al-Anon together. A change in your health and recovery from her disease can instigate changes in her, too. Best wishes--you are definitely not alone and what you are feeling can change. I know for me it has, but it takes time and effort. It is SO hard when you are living with an active A.
I also attend Church which helps me to treat people as I would like to be treated, but I also go to Al-anon which teaches me how to take care of myself with alcoholics in my life. This disease effects everyone around it and I had to learn the tools in meetings to help ease my mind and to better hand things over tLet Go and Let God. In less than a year of Al-anon I have come such a long way and feel so much better than ever before, I do hope you are able to find some meetings in your area. I am sending you love and support on your journey.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My dad was on the wagon without an AA program for 10 years. After my parents divorced he slowly started circling down the drain and started drinking wine because beer was his real problem.
That gradually picked up the pace and he started back on the beer again and has been drinking like he did when I was a child passed out drunk after dinner. He is an isolator now, has no friends nor hobbies, works 7 days a week, goes home and drinks till he passes out.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, cunning, baffeling, and powerful. For me I have many qualifiers for the alanon program. I choose to go to Alanon for me not for them. I have learned that I cannot do anything to prevent my loved ones from drinking. I have learned through Alanon how to love them just as they are. Through the principal of acceptance I am not condoning their behavior, but know that I do not have power to make them stop drinking. That is the foundation on how to detach with love. I want to have a relationship with my dad because he is a wonderful, kind, person who suffers from alcoholism. I keep attending alanon to be reminded this is a disease that my dad nor I didnt ask for.
I hope you will find peace, comfort and understanding in the face to face rooms of Alanon. It is truly a blessing.
Welcome to MIP ! I want my reply to express love and support for you and not offend so I am struggling with the rights words to say that don't sound uncaring or judgemental. So if I miss the mark please feel free to give me a virtual slap across the back of the head ok? My son is an addict and lived at home, I also grew up with this disease...Father, brother, sister, uncles, cousins, nieces etc all without the help of alanon. Now my Father passed many years ago but with a good amount of sobriety under his belt and my brother died of this disease even with 13 yrs of recovery under his belt. And I dealt my whole life being the caretaker for all these family members. It was my son who finally brought me here to alanon and if I had any "do-over" I could wish for it would be to have found alanon long ago so that I would be able to bring up my children with much healthier life coping skills. My husbands and mine's answer was to move away while they were young so they weren't exposed to the daily drama and trauma. My husband also comes from a very addictive family. So all we knew to do was a geographical change. Not to cut our children off from family just not to have to live with it daily. And surely our way was going to "break the cycle". But it didn't.... our growing up in addictive, dysfunctional families we were so affected (how could you not be) that while we didn't drink or use drugs we had many of the traits of the alcoholic/addict ingrained in our personalities, thought processes and actions. And those dysfunctional qualities we did pass down to our children. But here is what I have found in working this program. We here all love or have loved an alcoholic/addict and this is a family disease that affects all involved. I also found our "help" in getting our loved one sober usually includes manipulation, babysitting. monitoring etc every thing our loved one does. All of these end up being short term (if you are lucky) results. The alcoholic/addict will almost always revert right back to where they were and we end up frustrated, tired, disapointed, resentful etc because we "worked" so dang hard to fix or help our loved one. Reality is they don't want our help, they want and deserve the dignity to make thier own choices and they end up resenting you. The best person to help and alcoholic/addict is another recoverying alcoholic which AA is founded on. And the more we "help" the longer it takes for the A to hit thier own bottom and be open and willing to the concept of seeking out help for themselves. As long as we keep helping we keep cushioning thier bottom, they never hit it so why would they bother seeking help? For me as a parent and not be able to help/fix my child made me feel like a total loser. My job is to help and fix things for my child right? After working the program for a while I finally summoned the courage to step aside and get out of my sons way and out of the way of his HP (Higher Power whom I call God). My son may not believe yet he has a HP, but he does and his HP has plans for him and I found when I got in the way of the natural sequence of events and the natural consequences of my sons behavior things got worse never better. So as excruciatingly hard it is to watch my son fall it is what I must do if I have any hope that he will seek help for himself because he wants it, not because I want it. So my experience tells me to urge you to find an alanon meeting in your area, start working the program and the steps, get a sponsor to guide you along and to take your mom out from under your microscope and work on getting yourself healthy. Please don't wait. I waited...and it is my biggest regret. The most important person in all this is YOU! Sheesh that was long winded, sorry i tend to do that lol I look forward to hearing from you again here and hearing your progress if you choose to work the program. Blessings
Thanks everyone so much for all of the support, and the kind and useful words! Just wanted to report sort of on what's going on here-- My mom is slipping back down the downward spiral it seems. A few weeks ago, I noticed her drinking about every 4th day... then every 4rd... then every other day again in the last week. I just called her on her cellphone (It's 1 PM here) and she's slurring her words like crazy so she's likely been drinking since before noon. She drinks in the car and drives like that too; has for years. Drives around with an open bottle of scotch. My dad and I always used to wish she would get pulled over so the court would FORCE her into treatment and it's amazing but she has never been pulled over.
Anyway-- I'm often afraid of having contact with her when she drinks because alcoholism runs in the family and I have had my own problems about it. It is 10X harder for me to get along sober when she is drunk because it is just so maddening. But what you all are saying is basically that I need to be more detached and see a greater independence of my life from the lives of others, particularly my mom. So I will try hard to remember that and practice it. I feel like a lot of you-- I don't hate my mom and in fact I love her a lot. I can understand now how much it hurts to watch someone you love do this and it makes her seem very selfish but I know how hard it is too.
Again, thanks, and I'll let you know in the next weeks if things improve or get worse, or stay the same. :)
