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Post Info TOPIC: When you realize that your marriage was like a tree that was rotten from the inside -from the beginning


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When you realize that your marriage was like a tree that was rotten from the inside -from the beginning


Hello! I've been away for awhile but I've missed you guys. :) 

Mini update:

The bad: exH was arrested for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times since our divorce was finalized. He's currently got an ankle monitor strapped to his leg for a long time to come. 

The good (no, great): I have bought a new house! Despite the housing craziness, my realtor came through and found me a place in my price range and I'm enjoying so many firsts. (Taking care of grass, learning where towel racks go.)  Most importantly, learning how to enjoy my life now that my exH is not in it on a daily basis. (SO many things to enjoy! So little time!) 

I'm continuing regular work with a therapist. Recently, while discussing the concept of "accountability",  I had a big "oh wow" moment. We've been working through why I let a "generally healthy and altruistic" sense of helpfulness turn into "Full-On Enabling" when I was with my exH.   

We were reviewing Brene Brown's acronym BRAVING and slowly I came to acknowledge that, while I am very fortunate to have several close friends who DO check those boxes, my exH had never checked off any of those categories ... oh I gave him ALL kinds of passes  for "getting close" ... but in fact he never did earn my trust. I gave him my life for a pretty ring, because I wanted the fairy tale to be true. In fact, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't trust him from day one. But because I was SO desperate to have that fairy tale come true, I just chose to ignore that "messenger in the head".  . 

My exH had in fact accused me of belittling and emasculating him many times.  I always brushed this off as nonsense, but I came to see that my actions throughout the many years of our marriage were generally based on the fact that I didn't trust him to do the right thing. Ever. So in fact, he was not speaking nonsense. 

This left me pretty speechless. I sat on her couch, contemplating how a nearly 20 yr marriage could have been based on sand. Because people who don't trust each other don't generally do very well in any shared endeavor, and marriage is at the top of the list of "things that people suck at, when they don't trust each other".  

I started to say "how could I have ...."  and therapist held up her hand.  

I changed course and said "if people only married people who actually deserved their trust, there would be very little work for therapists". 

She laughed and said "well, there would still be work. A lot less. A lot, lot, lot less ..." 

 



-- Edited by Fedora on Tuesday 9th of August 2022 12:31:11 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Fedora, congratulations on your new home and so glad to hear things are going well for you

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Fedora, good to hear from you and congratulations on the new house purchase!!

Happy you are doing well!!!

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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{{{Fedora}}}. You have a new start and a brand new day. Best of luck!

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate to buying a new house and starting over! I really like your perspective with the I get to attitude! Yes peace and freedom on a home is excellent! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



Senior Member

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Congratulations on your new home! Sounds like you're doing a great job taking care of yourself and your new home. Wishing you serenity.



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.

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