Hello! I've been away for awhile but I've missed you guys. :) 

Mini update:

The bad: exH was arrested for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times since our divorce was finalized. He's currently got an ankle monitor strapped to his leg for a long time to come. 

The good (no, great): I have bought a new house! Despite the housing craziness, my realtor came through and found me a place in my price range and I'm enjoying so many firsts. (Taking care of grass, learning where towel racks go.)  Most importantly, learning how to enjoy my life now that my exH is not in it on a daily basis. (SO many things to enjoy! So little time!) 

I'm continuing regular work with a therapist. Recently, while discussing the concept of "accountability",  I had a big "oh wow" moment. We've been working through why I let a "generally healthy and altruistic" sense of helpfulness turn into "Full-On Enabling" when I was with my exH.   

We were reviewing Brene Brown's acronym BRAVING and slowly I came to acknowledge that, while I am very fortunate to have several close friends who DO check those boxes, my exH had never checked off any of those categories ... oh I gave him ALL kinds of passes  for "getting close" ... but in fact he never did earn my trust. I gave him my life for a pretty ring, because I wanted the fairy tale to be true. In fact, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't trust him from day one. But because I was SO desperate to have that fairy tale come true, I just chose to ignore that "messenger in the head".  . 

My exH had in fact accused me of belittling and emasculating him many times.  I always brushed this off as nonsense, but I came to see that my actions throughout the many years of our marriage were generally based on the fact that I didn't trust him to do the right thing. Ever. So in fact, he was not speaking nonsense. 

This left me pretty speechless. I sat on her couch, contemplating how a nearly 20 yr marriage could have been based on sand. Because people who don't trust each other don't generally do very well in any shared endeavor, and marriage is at the top of the list of "things that people suck at, when they don't trust each other".  

I started to say "how could I have ...."  and therapist held up her hand.  

I changed course and said "if people only married people who actually deserved their trust, there would be very little work for therapists". 

She laughed and said "well, there would still be work. A lot less. A lot, lot, lot less ..."