Greetings Yarrow and nice to meet you. None of us are really qualified to give advice; we may offer our Experience Strength and Hope (ESH) of which you can take what serves and leave the rest. All I can say is that alcoholism and addiction in general is cunning, baffling and powerful. I think what you have offered to do and have already done with this troubled kid is admirable. It is clear through your post that you care about this girl and her mother. At the same time, there is this thing called the Three C's: we didn't Cause the addiction, we can't Control the addictiond and we can't Cure it.
I noted you touched on preserving sanity. This suggests to me that somewhere on some level you are aware that the whole nature of this dis-ease is impacting not just the person using. From my own experience, as a hopeful, determined and at one point obsessive person, an addict and a me was a recipe for insanity. A common character trait of us on this side of the 12 step fence is caring that goes beyond what a healthy boundary would allow. And In my experience, that is a gradual occurence with those healthy boundaries eroding over time and repeat exposure to the addiction of other/s without working a programme of recovery myself. Alcoholism and addiction is crazy making.
In a nutshell, there is no way to cure an addict. They are the only ones who can do that. Thus, any intervention or involvement must truly be a series of actions which are lovingly detached form any desired outcome. You could throw a thousand percent into this girl and get absolutley nothing back except the type of bad treatment that comes from a sick person who is not capable of loving themselves and thus can't love anybody else even when they want to. SO there's that: am I prepared to involve myself in a series of actions in complete acceptance that those same actions may well not alter this persons sickness?
When I am still involved with a loved one suffering from alcoholism, I need to stay in recovery for me. That is the Alanon programme.
There is absolutely no shame or negativity in walking away either. If you stay, please keep coming back for your support needs and you might like to check out some of the available literature.
I hope you have a blessed day today and every day, Take care!

Welcome. I think it is great that you have an interest in this young girl's well being. The more positive, loving connections people have the better.


However, that does not come at your own expense or well being.
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You mentioned feeling concerned about going back on your offer to always have an open door for her. You are allowed to change your mind. You now have new information that has changed your feelings.

I would not want to set myself up to be the "punishment" if rules are not followed at home. In my experience, little good ever arose from trying to force a solution.

Time takes time and in my situation it got a lot worse before it got better.

Staying engaged, encouraging, role modelling etc can all be done while maintaining your own healthy boundaries of what you are willing to accept in your life. It may end up simply being more like a friend whom meets up and goes and does something fun together, it may just be phone calls, a lunch together etc. No one thing is going to be the cure all, but you can certainly remain a positive influence in her life if that continues to work for you.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and your thoughtful responses. I feel very welcomed into Al-Anon and am really greatful for this extra support in my life right now. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I feel like I am beginning to come to greater clarity in this situation and really see the importance of putting my well-being at the forefront, so that I can A) take care of myself and B)continue to be a friend to Jay as she grows older, rather than burning myself out further and harboring more resentment and frustration. I don't know yet what that will look like exactly, but I am beginning to feel less stuck and more trust that I don't have to agree to something that is stressful for me just to try and help someone else who hasn't shown they are ready for help. Thank you again!

Welcome to MIP Yarrow and Val! Glad you found us and glad that you jumped right in.

I have 2 sons both afflicted with the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I can share that Al-Anon has taught me that no matter what I think or what I want or what I do, their recovery (or not) is their choice (or not). Each person has to reach a bottom which varies from person to person. We can never know is in another's mind or heart and thus are best served by practicing self-care to preserve our own sanity/serenity.

I know that each time I intervened or 'helped', it feels now that I may have only interrupted the journey. I know that my worry, concern, obsession about their future and their happiness truly mattered not to the disease within them. No matter who we care or love that's affected by this disease, we have to determine what boundaries work for us for now. Detaching from the insanity and designing healthy boundaries saved me and better allowed me to be of helpful service to my boys vs. an enabling, overbearing, hovering 'mama bear'.

I say often/always that I'm not a super patient person. I tend to want what I want when I want it, or now. Al-Anon has given me a bunch of tools to better be a part of the solution vs. part of the problem. I practice patience and exploring how best to respond instead of react, which I had done for a long, long while and not always well. My hope is you just keep embracing recovery and lean into what's suggested to find the best tool set for your own happiness and recovery. Keep coming back - there's always hope and help in recovery.