Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Wife and cocaine

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

1

-- Edited by Chicagopilot on Monday 14th of October 2019 08:43:01 AM

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cp... smile ...

Alanon deals primarily with the families of alcoholics- but all forms of addiction operate along the same lines.

My view is that the underlying disease is the same.

People switch their addictions, sometimes- but the underlying cause is always the same.

We learn a healthy form of detachment- to continue to love the person, but not the disease...

We do not have a formula that guarantees a satisfactory outcome- even though we always wish for one.

This is what we use most of all:

God [please] grant me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Take care, my friend...

DavidG.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome I am truly sorry that you have experienced this problem. Addiction is a dreadful illness and no one can predict what might happen.

I would suggest that you search out a supportive meeting and attend. The hot line is in the white pages, YOu will receive support of those who truly understand

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds like a full on relapse which is most often worse than when they first started to use. The disease may be doing a catch-up phase which is where it attempts to make up for all of the using she didn't do when she attempted to cease using. Hair falling out? sure...It also kills. Besides calling you who are powerless over her disease she should have called her recovery program. I pulled away from and divorced my alcoholic addict and continued to love and support her mentally and emotionally. When we parted she was clean and sober and I don't know about her now. I had my own life to take care of which had no room for a fatally sick person. Call the Al-Anon hotline like Betty suggest and David...it has worked for us and my work for you and be cautious because of the complex profession you have. (((hugs))) smile

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Drug addiction is a terrible disease I know that relationship ships take the brunt of addiction full on. It is like being in a car crash. Finding al anon.has been so fulfilling for me. I hope you will choose to look for meetings This program can certainly help you Maresie

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Thank you for the answers. I guess I wanted to know if what I was suspecting was warranted, I have never been around drugs before and was really blind sided by this. Today is Monday, we have not spoken since Friday and I have no idea what she is up to. She is in our house with god knows who else and what they are up to. I feel absolutely helpless.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Big hugs, if you can get to an alanon meeting or some kind of addiction support meeting it will help that anxiety. Unfortunately there are no absolutes with will they recover or not and what kind of drugs they are on. Honestly what you are describing sounds more like meth to me or something along that lines. I'm not experienced with long term use of meth or cocaine. If you are asking will she get clean/sober and come home .. no one can answer that except her and she may not be ready to be done and may never be, .. that is outside your hula hoop.

It's a horrible feeling to watch someone destroy themselves with addiction because it is a helpless feeling, that's the good thing about our own recovery is you can love her and not have to live in anxiety of the what if's, it requires work on you and letting go of what she does or doesn't do. That has been my truth with my own program work.

There is lots of strength on this board so keep coming back and just try to keep the focus on you. It took me a long time to figure out what that meant to me.

Hugs S :)

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chicagopilot, I am sorry you are facing this and know the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I learned I was powerless over someone else's addiction, but not hopeless -- because there were things I could do for myself.

Al-Anon meetings (or perhaps another support group for families of addicts, if you can find it) -- as has been suggested, can really help with the loneliness. We truly are not alone. The great thing about Al-Anon is that meetings are almost everywhere and can be found at al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/ -- including contacts worldwide.

Also I have heard suggestions that one should consult a lawyer before leaving the house, to make sure you are not putting yourself in an adverse legal position about property, etc.

Feel free to check back here, too, as there is always someone who will respond.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

In situations like this, my perspective, based upon my experience...is relatively simple. First, while a newcomer/beginner may not understand what I am saying, and it may not make any sense, I always say -- it doesn't matter if she's an addict, alcoholic, functional, binge, whatever. It doesn't matter!!! Her drinking/drug use BOTHERS YOU. It IMPACTS YOU. Period. Second, I always say, GO TO MEETINGS! Period. As many and as often as you can. Third, find a sponsor! Talk to them, work with them, and start focusing on you, working on yourself, and making sure that you are OK and that you get better.

Keep your head where your feet are!!! Here and now. Today. Just for today. One day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow, until tomorrow, when tomorrow becomes today. While you may want her to come back, hope she does, and can't imagine what you'll do if she doesn't...and this will make no sense to you as a beginner/newcomer...it doesn't matter. YOU have to be OK, YOU have to be healthy, independent of her. Whether she comes back or not. YOU HAVE TO BE OK NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

You will learn a great deal by going to meetings, by reading some of the pamphlets and literature, and by talking to people who -- have been where you are, have seen what you are seeing, have felt what you are feeling...and those people HAVE GONE THROUGH IT AND HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH IT. I am one of them. I was exactly where you are. I got through it. And today, I am better, happy, healthy, and my life is wonderful. I can thank the alanon program and my sponsor for that.

I went to meetings. As many and as often as I could. I listened. I learned. I read the material/literature. I got a sponsor. I met with him, talked with him, worked with him, and learned from him. I made changes, to my thinking, behavior, actions, reactions, and more. I did what my sponsor told me because my thinking had gotten so distorted, so corrupted, I needed objectivity and accountability, and I needed someone else to help me.

Alanon works, if you work it. So, work it, you are worth it. All the best.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too send a warm welcome chicagopilot - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too can relate to the pain, fear, anxiety, stress that this disease can bring to those who love an alcoholic/addict. There is also Nar-Anon in addition to Al-Anon so seeking out meetings and trying them will put you in touch with others who truly understand and can relate/support you.

Addiction/Alcoholism is considered a family disease as it does reach beyond the user and affect many others in their lives. Meetings for me were very helpful as it gave me local support as well as a group of others who could support me without judgement, advice, etc.

Be gentle with yourself, and if possible, just focus on one day at a time. That really helped me too as my mind wondered to the future and reviewed the past wondering when, where, what, why, etc. There is truly no logic that works with this disease and we do encourage all to focus on self and healing.

Please keep coming back - you are not alone! There is hope and help in recovery!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I am so sorry you're going through this.

As others have suggested, I encourage you, as well, to find yourself some face-to-face meetings. You'll find the support you need because you're going to be around people who've been through the same situation, too. The important part of this program is that it's a program of solutions, so we support one-another not to stay stuck in our problems, but to find ways to overcome them and build ourselves into the people we want to be.

Visit: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/ to find a meeting near you.

If for some reason you feel discussion about alcoholism doesn't fit with you because of your wife's drug of choice, there are also Nar-Anon meetings. But as David mentioned earlier, both alcoholism and drug addiciton are rooted in the same problems, so really, either program can help you.

While you're finding yourself some good face-to-face meetings, you're always welcome to come here, as well. But I can't emphasize enough how important face-to-face meetings are.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Today she called me about something insignificant, but I asked her and she denied it. She said the changes in her are due to all the stress I put on her while opening the bar that I bought for her. She says that since I left she feels better than she has in a long time, and is eating and sleeping normally again. She now has me convinced that she is not using and that it is my fault.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Anyone of us here can tell you that an addict blames their partner Their denial runs deep There is not much point in arguing ab ok but whether they are using or not Recovery for you comes from learning certain tools to manager our response to the addict There is no recovery in arguing a BBC d wondering are they or aren't they Until they get into a recovery program they most certainly are The issue today is what are you going to.do for you. Al.anon has a lot to offer but much of the program in fact 100% Of it is about YOU not the alcoholic/addict. For me coming to al.anon my.focus had to come off the alcoholic and onto me Maresie

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

I have actually experienced a number of sever panic attacks over the last month. I have never experienced one before.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't need to make a decision today regarding your relationship. I do want to point something out that actually happened to me when I was in my merry-go-round of my marriage. First off it took a huge toll on my mental and physical well being. I was so caught up in the hims .. him did this .. him did that side of things I couldn't tell you what my favorite color was or what I liked to eat. I couldn't tell you the last meal I had during the last 3 years of my marriage that I ate and enjoyed what I was eating like actually chewed my food. My ex wanted out of the relationship way back in the beginning and I did him a terrible disservice because I didn't listen to what he was saying. Sometimes I question how much I listened to him because I was so busy forcing actually relationship that should have ended. It's really sad on my part when I think back on that time. He became and this doesn't excuse his chicken sh#t behavior for not ending our relationship kindly or having his own boundaries. He became more and more resentful and hateful. I really encourage you tip be kind to yourself and listen to what your spouse is saying. Regardless of what she does or doesn't do .. you deserve to heal. So kind of back to what everyone keeps saying. Get some counseling .. alanon .. read some alanon literature. .. if you are having panic attacks and these situations are affecting your mental and physical health. Your head is telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear and right now this sounds like a toxic situation. Heal your hurts get yourself right so you can be in a place to live your life regardless of what your spouse is or isn't doing. That 18 inches between your head and heart is a long journey and it sounds like you have some healing to do. I just know I certainly did and still do moving forward in my own life journey. Take care be gentle to you and listen to what your head is saying because I can't express how much unnecessary pain I caused myself .. it's not something I would choose again. Big big hugs .. there is life outside of the addict. You got to do the work. There are no magic words that will make your spouse see the light change her mind or admit what's really going on if ssues active again. Keep coming back. :)

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Today is the first time since I left the house (last Friday) that I have not received even one text from her. I truly believe that she feel like I am the one that is wrong, that I am the reason she is having all of these changes within herself. All I want is her to tell me to come home and we will work on things.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Just checking in Chicago pilot. After leaving your post last I was reminded that quite often our stories are very similar to the shares of others. I am also a past private pilot who use to fly throughout California for business and fun. The diseases of alcoholism and drug addiction almost cost my wife and my life one night as I was flying her back to Fresno from Sacramento. Half way home I got an alert from the Castle AFG Tower that I was in a steep decent to the ground and to correct my altitude and resume level flight. That woke me up and I checked instruments and right on I was and hadn't realized that my focus was so onto my wife's lack of consciousness that I lost focus on what I was doing. I was in a 3000 foot rapid decent and didn't know it. The controller saved our lives.

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" are the words of our second step and that last word was/is most important to me.

This disease is cunning powerful and baffling which most often encourages us to support others who have yet to become aware of what is going on. Please seek open face to face Al-Anon meetings before you become convinced by the disease that the problem is you. It is not.

You didn't cause this.... You can't Control it.... You will not Cure it.

This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions as taught by the American Medical Association and every other facility that deals in it.

Keep coming back.

(((hugs))) smile

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Jerry, Very relatable, I have had to remove myself from the flying schedule. I am an airline pilot, not corporate, although I use to fly a Gulfstream years ago. As a pilot I have always stayed very far away from drugs and those who use them. Which is part of the reason why this was hard for me to see and by the time I did it was past my control. She may be to far gone but I cant do anything about it now as she has turned her friends and family against me. They are also blaming her current situation on stress and would never consider that she is using drugs.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Just one of the tripping stones in our disease is denial which we use to say "isn't just a river in Egypt". I denied because the information was just to weird and crazy to believe and I believed I had a better handle on knowing what it was and wasn't. I use to drink with her and she use to remark, "God I wish I could drink like that" which is just one of the "More!!" wishes of the addicted. Yes I have flown under the influence and relate intimately with the film "Flight" and Denzel Williams. I have been clean and sober for 41 years now one day at a time and with the help and support of both Al-Anon, AA, College, VA counseling and doing service in the programs. Thank God for the miracles and their power in recovery. Today I know and know that I know what cunning, powerful and baffling mean in my life from birth till present. My entire family was involved from the 30ies with lots of insanity and death and on it goes with my exception and some other relatives. It doesn't matter if it is cocaine, meth, weed, 7&7, Ron Rico, Segram or any other mind and/or mood altering chemical. Once you are altered you are no longer here.

Take care...will keep checking in. (((Hugs))) aww

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((ChicagoPilot))) - I'm sending you tons of positive energy, support and prayers. It is not at all unusual for the blame/shame to be tossed beyond what we see to be the issue (or believe). This disease, as Jerry mentions, is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. I can relate to being blamed as 'the cause' of the actions of others, and it took me time and practice in recovery to better understand the disease aspect and to discover that what others say to me or about me is not always reality. One of the first things I began to practice was J-A-D-E - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I had spent a ton of time/energy doing all of these, and it was a waste simply because I expected to have rational discussions with an irrational person/disease.

If you aren't ready to seek out and attend meetings, it may be helpful for you to poke around the official Al-Anon site. It does give tons of information and stories which may help you better know you are not alone, what you are experiencing is (unfortunately) common and there is hope and help with others who can relate.

Keep coming back!

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

What is the official site?

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

The official Al-Anon site is al-anon.org

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Thank you. I will check it out. Just posting here and reading others stories and advice has been a huge help.

WendyP · Senior Member

Hi Chicagopilot,

Just wanted to say that my Heart goes out to you at this time, for where you are. I will keep you in my Heart and Prayers, praying the you will get stronger in yourself.I know that you will have a lot of suggestions from a lot of People who really care for you and where you are at this moment. I would like to share some with you. As others have said, get to some meetings, as if you want to try to save your Marriage,{No guarantees} help your Wife, and yourself, that is where you will be able to understand, all the Questions that are going around in your head. Why is she doing this, etc, etc,. You will be able to understand the Disease, from your Wife's side and yours. It is so important, and helpful. You can see what it is doing to her, but you can't see what it is doing to you.If you do choose Recovery, no matter what happens, if you can't save your Marriage,etc, you can rest easy knowing that you did everything Healthily possible to try.

I can speak from experience, as I have a large Family, many Grand Children, Great Grand Children,with the Diseases running rampant within it. Especially a Grand Son, who has Drug/Alcohol problems, I see the effects that his Illness has on himself, his Partners, his Children, for me as well,personally the only way, I can live with all of it. Is because I have been in Recovery for a very long time, and have learnt all about, I know why they do what they do. That can bring me more Peace of Mind, it isn't easy, because I love all of them,Recovery, makes it bearable.

I pray that you will reach out for Help, and wish You Well, for your Recovery.

Love WendyP.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

I am on day 9 now if not being at home. She text me occasionally and seems like she is making an effort in reaching out. I have been watching the court records and she has not filed for divorce yet, also her friends seem to not have any idea that her and I have separated. I am not sure where this is all headed. She keeps telling me that she needs time and space to straighten things out and figure out what she wants. She does tell me that I can come back to the house and she will go stay at her parents. She is saying she is not doing cocaine, but I just cant believe that. All of the security cameras and system at home have been disconnected so I can not see when she is coming and going. I am driving myself crazy trying to figure all this out. I love this woman more than anything in the world.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

When you are ready to, or can't stand the pain any longer, or you are sick and tired of feeling this way, or you hit your own rock bottom...YOU will decide to get off the roller-coaster.

SHE has to decide if and when SHE gets off the roller-coaster...and YOU have to decide if and when YOU get off of it. You can't decide for her. She can't decide for you.

Right now, you are on it. And, you are relying on her and depending on her so that you can get off the roller coaster.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Bo, I have to find the strength to do that. I want to start feeling better but I also have such a hard time walking away from the life I know.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

CP, the strength will come. Be patient. And, I know it's hard to be patient when you are in pain. Wanting to feel better is just the beginning. Doing what is necessary to feel better is where feeling better actually starts.

BUT...And I want you to hear this with complete clarity...Feeling better does NOT mean you have to walk away from the life you know!!! You are drawing black and white conclusions that may not be so or may not be true. Your thinking has become corrupted, hijacked, and distorted...by the effects and impact of this disease.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Getting off the roller-coaster does NOT mean you have to walk away from the life you know.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Getting better...feeling better...recovery...AND...walking away from the life you know, leaving a spouse, getting divorced...are two separate and distinct elements.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Bo you are correct. Every day I am away from her I see things more and more clearly. I feel like for the first time in a long time my head is on straight and I am thinking more clearly. A week ago I would have gone running back to her no questions asked. Today I would consider taking her back if she met certain conditions and requirements from me. I am headed out of town today and when I come home in a week I will be going back to my house.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

CP if you apply the steps to where you are at with this and what is happening the clarity will come. Admitted I was powerless is the let go step which allows you to focus on self. If possible suggest to her to seek out recovering addicts in Narcotic Anonymous and ask for feedback and support from them. You are not the person to seek feedback and support from...it ends up opposite from what you both want and need. In support. Jerry

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

CP - I have been following your journey, although not posting. I am so sorry for what brings you here. You've received some wonderful ESH (Experience, Strength, Hope)/

"Every day I am away from her I see things more and more clearly. I feel like for the first time in a long time my head is on straight and I am thinking more clearly."

This sentence pushed me to give you my ESH.

I just could not think clearly until I had some time away from the chaos of my spouse's life. It took 6 months of separation, work in Al-Anon (gaining emotional strength, understanding ME), for me to read and understand this one sentence my sponsor had brought up early in my journey: "You should investigate whether or not you can ACCEPT your spouse just as he is today. If not, then maybe being together is not your true happiness in life. "LOVE is unconditional acceptance."

I just didn't understand this statement at first. I mean, of course there has to be conditions! Addiction had crashed and burned so many areas of our lives... the debt alone! Whew! If I did not have boundaries/conditions, then what was to keep all of that from happening again, and again (like it had in the past)?

I had to put the time in to 1) heal my trauma 2) understand me and what I truly wanted/needed in life 3) understand that boundaries are NOT conditions, and what my boundaries look like 4) Truly understand and ACCEPT that I could not control my spouse's outcome with his recovery journey (maybe the most important for me).

Time... well, takes time. Period.

Keep doing you & working to heal YOU. As you have already heard, your wife's journey is her own.

Keep coming back. It will work for YOU if you work it!

Wishing you peace this weekend.

&

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

Jerry and puppies, Thank you both so much for the encouraging words. I cant tell you how nice it is to hear from people who have experienced the same things as me, I am happy to know that I am not going crazy, this is on her, this is her doing this not me, this is her fault not mine.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

We talked for a long time today by phone. I told her that I know what is going on. Surprisingly she responded with of course you do, you know me better than I know myself. I asked her how bad it is, she responded with I cant talk about it, but it is bad and I am getting help. I left it alone.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

You talked, man..! Courage... aww ...

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Not only did you talk, but YOU knew when to drop the rope! Good on you!

Wishing you peace this weekend.

Chicagopilot · Veteran Member

What do you mean by drop the rope?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Drop the rope means you didn't push, continue and try to control/extract more. You left her be and yourself....it's not always easy to do when we are dealing with this disease but you done good - for you and her!

Hope that helps! Detaching from another and leaving them to the natural consequences is not always easy but it is the purest sense of love I know...

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene