I could certainly complain about the selfishness of the now ex A. I did not set limits on it until I went to al anon The now exA continues to impose.on others. One of his traits was that he never became an independent adult. I had many many #dependent# features too immaturity being one.of them I work pretty hard on being mature these days. I dont know that I had.a. idea what that was before al.anon . I ssw.people.in.al.anon.who had them and I wanted to be.like them One of the features that is so great about al anon is we focus 9n ourselves. My life these days is challenging is is not engulfed in chaos. I certainly have.my share of alcoholics around. One of my current supervisors being one of them and.she is.most definitely having a flare up. In the past I woukr have felt helpless around those issues. Now with the help of al.anon.and therapy I have tools to deal with those.issues. My experience of dealing with the alcoholic addict before.al.anon was to be totally engulfed in his issues. He had plenty of them. There was never room for my issues. My mother died when I was with him. I had life threatening health issues twice. There was.no room for that.because his issues were all that mattered to him. . I staggered from one crisis to the next. Then when I started applying al.anon tools I started navigating the impossible. We had plenty of separations. We had.numerous reconciliations. Then I started making decisions that were based on my self interest rather than saving him. In al anon I was.accepted wherever I was. Please.consider giving some time and energy to learning some tools to get you through whatever is.next in your life. They are really enormously useful. They require practice and commitment But whatever happens they will most certainly help. That means immersing yourself in.al.anon and looking at those issues deeply Maresie

Strange part about all of this is that I have always been a social drinker. Today sitting at a bar at 3 in the afternoon I realized I have been drinking 10-20 beers every single day for the last 16 days.

Here is an update. While cocaine had been used a few times it turns out it was an alcohol problem. I moved back into the house and she went to a hotel, said she needed more time to sort things out in her head. Then Sunday morning at 1AM while she was driving back to the hotel she hit a curb, blew her tire out and got a DUI. I was of course who she called to come bail her out. She came back to the house with me and has been here ever since. She told me everything that was going on and that she wants to work things out with me. But she still seems distant. No affection being reciprocated. But she seems vulnerable. She got a bit crabby with me this morning and instead of arguing I just went upstairs and laid in bed. She Baden it a point to come upstairs and apologize to me and tell me how much she loves me. Something just feels off.

Chicago, I'm sorry you are going through this. Many here have had similar experiences. It sounds like you set a good boundary by not arguing with crabby behavior and stepping away from it. Others may have suggestions about bailing people out.

What I can share is that, as I learned more about the disease of alcoholism, I came to understand that my husband's brain was not working correctly, as a result of years of drinking. His brain certainly wasn't working the same way mine was, resulting in behaviors that seemed "off." It was unreasonable for me to expect reasonable behavior. I also realized that he could not fix my feelings -- my fears and worries, my need for safety, my need for stable companionship. We say it's like going to the hardware store for bread. The hardware store does not have bread, no matter how much I want bread and how many times I ask them for it. I had to take responsibility for my feelings and find other ways to fix them. Individual therapy and Al-Anon were the most helpful.

In the moment, I used slogans to calm myself until I could make plans for my own well-being. My favorites when I was going through this were "One Day At A Time" and "DETACH = Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her."

That's the name of the game with addicts and alcoholics. They manipulate in order to keep using. Its a very selfish disease - it takes no prisoners.

You are right that your current actions are enabling. How do you stop in a way that leaves you feeling alright with who you are? Well, I figured out those answers for myself by working my program. I'll tell you it didn't come overnight for me, and I rarely see it come overnight for many people. And what is acceptable for you may not be acceptable to others, so that's why it's important to work the program in order to help you find the right answers for you. You're human, so I'm going to forewarn you right now that you're going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. But you'll learn from them if you're paying attention and you'll start responding in ways that leave you feeling more comfortable.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't wish this disease on anyone - the person suffering it or their families. It's insidious.

 

 

Chicago based upon your disclosure as to how much you drink daily and as a  former alcohol/substance abuse therapist I strongly suggest that you get an appointment to find out where  your mind, body, spirit and emotions relate to the disease also.  If I was your therapist; and I am not, I would again strongly suggest an assessment.  It is confidential only between you and the nurse.  

I was a nine year alcohol free attendee of the Al-Anon Family Groups when a situation and by it my HP suggested I finally take my own anonymous assessment with the attending nurse telling me that while she didn't know who the applicant was she was sure that the next time "he" drank "he" would die.  This was after I graduated as a therapist and was working with clients.

I had much input and evidence before this and didn't' know I was assessing myself as okay.  I also was a pilot and surely that said I was doing great until I turned over control to a power greater than myself.

Many assessments are not only confidential...they are also free.   Keep coming back.  ((((hugs))))  

There is a way alcoholics behave when you rescue them that is known as Rescue/Shun You step in when they come to you in an emergency, go overboard, then they set uo.a distance. It is almost like they shun you. Instead of being able to.put a perspective on it that behavior is #triggering# for some of us. That behavior for ne set off deep insecurity. Unfortunately that is what you describe as #feeling off# Getting to stability in thus roller coaster is hard Obviously you have resources Therapy is very helpful Sometimes even couples therapy us helpful. Meetings are helpful. Immersing yourself in what #tr8ggers# you us helpful. Focusing on you i.u s helpful. Being aware is helpful. There is no knowing how much of the manipulation is deliberate. For many alcoholics the thought of living without drinking is impossible. The manipulation is how they survive Surviving is not living a good life. Although many alcoholics are really good at making it l8ok.good. That is really really good. The definition of the alcoholic. Is they dont stop even when there are consequences A DUI is a big consequence At one point I got to with the ex A he did not have a vehicle. He did not have much money either. He survived that They are really resourceful. He was well aware where his #binges# took him. Right now your feeling #off# is indicating you have work to do. The work isnt in making it better for your wife. That is her side of the street. Responsibility is part of being an adult. The work is in making your life bearable not out of control. Al anon is one of the options. Al anon requires an investment in time and energy So does therapy. I know I invested in my relationship. No matter what I did the now ex A got worse. That was very hard to come to.tetms with. I hate to say this but many years later he (the ex a) is still #worse# His life is still the same roller coaster. Nothing changed much with or without me. #love# did.not make it better. I was not central to any recovery. On his part. Despite all his problems (many life threatening problems( he decided not to recover. Some people do recover. Some people get into treatment. Their life improves. Some people do not. There is no guarantee. In.al anon we learn how not to be consumed with what #they# do or dont do. That is a big undertaking Staying with what you are doing is also a big undertaking. Going to al anon.was good for me. Life changing It didnt make any difference whatsoever to the now ex A. He went off and kept up the same behavior he always has. I decided to give myself a chance. What about you? Maresie

Al anon.doesnt require people to.cut the cord. Al.anon just had suggestions and tools for whatever you decide to.do. Being aware is part of it. I certainly did not want to leave the now ex A. No one required me yo.do.that The issue is too that when I.left the now ex A my troubles did not evaporate I had to be willing to do some work on.myself The leaving or staying when you go to al anon isnt the point. The ideas are to start looking at the tools. I have other alcoholics un ny life. I.need tools to manage dealing with them. . I am unlikely to get a life when I dont have to deal with an alcoholic The more I #detach# the better I use the tools the more manageable my life is. Therapy certainly helped me too but the accessibility of al anon really helped me. Helo is possible, stay or go, help is still there if you are open to.it. Maresie

So crazy. Everything seems fine now. Things are back to normal and we just seemed to have moved past it. She is not using, she is not drinking, and she acts like everything is fine. I dont really know what to make of it. We booked a three week trip to Maui over Christmas, I am just so confused.