Hi Freetime, thanks for responding. I look forward to others' inputs as I'm really in a dilemma. I've always liked writing on boards, and I hope to find others who really understand. Obviously I betrayed his trust, but then, I have questions over some things to help me understand. If in fact something did happen.... rape.... that really makes me question our entire relationship. I need more information from him... but I don't know how to broach the topic. "Hey babe, while you were gone all week, whether you wanted to share with me or not, I read your entire moral/sex inventory! Let's talk!"

Obviously I want to be sensitive to him, but I also need to be strong for myself and protect my values. I know what's important is what is happening in the present. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But, I have no idea how to go about talking to him about this. I'm scared of what could be the truth. Then again, perhaps it is nothing. Perhaps I don't understand. All I have is his detailed inventory.... I am grateful he is no longer that person, but it is really eye-opening as to how much this disease of alcoholism has hurt others he knew. And me. And him.

I realized I forgot to mention that he will be 4 years sober in February.

My hope to have some advice on what to do from here. I am nervous... and scared. Thanks.

 

 

Aloha Gloves and welcome to the board and hopefully to the Al-Anon Family Groups.  So you are facing yourself right now and not liking that you invaded his privacy which to me suggest that "this woman has some principles".  I do also and had to learn in program not to just have them and also to work them.  An early sponsor gave me tools and encouragement with hints and his own ESH.  One of the best slogans he impressed upon me was..."When in doubt DON'T".  I got the benefit of that one quick as I knew that slogan would keep me out of trouble quickly.

Early  on in our relationship my alcoholic/addict wife wondered if it would be so bad and ok having relationships (include sexual) with others.  While not going along with this idea I did understand since she spoke of it that it would happen and left it alone.  It invaded my privacy because I constantly worried about it and then acquired an STD from her.  Had I behaved the "Don't" of the slogan things would have been different I believe.  

How would it have come about had you not?  When I include my sponsor and Higher Power and the groups within my recovery my sanity gets well along with my life.   Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))  

Hey gloves808 - welcome to MIP....I am not proud to admit this but I stumbled upon my son's 4th step once upon a time. It was out in front of me open and 'screaming' read me!!!

Well - the curious mom in me did start and then I backed away when I hit something that was extremely unsettling. I can't say it was 'me' that stepped back - I do believe it was a divine intervention as the 'me I know' would have rather keep reading.

My best thoughts are seek Al-Anon recovery for your self. Within the group, you'll be able to share where you are, what's happened and probably here ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) from others with similar experiences. After my experience, I had to tell on myself to my sponsor (we get/have them too) and we decided based on the ugliness at the time in the relationship to not disclose.

I do know that before my own recovery, I spent way too much time trying to manage, fix, deal, etc. all of life's problems. Today, I feel we are designed to be imperfect and we just do the best we can, one day at a time. Give yourself a break, and seek out your own recovery. It's been a game changer for me!

Keep coming back - it works when we work it! Glad you are here.

There are a few things that come to mind after reading your post, when in doubt don't .. I never do my best talking when I am emotionally charged positive or negative.

As far as meetings, .. there are many options for meetings .. we have online meetings here and there are phone in meetings. For more information on phone in meetings there is an Alanon WSO website that will hook you in directly. There are ways around real time meetings. The whole "I can't" I don't buy .. it is a choice to work a program or not work a program and you are the only one who can decide what you want to do. I hope you will because it is a valuable life tool.

Podcasts are amazing and if you do a search on youtube you can find Alanon Recovery and just start picking .. my favorites are Father Tom and Mary Pearl. They put things into perspective for me. I don't think I realized how much my X's drinking had affected me and granted we did not have a fun relationship. We are not together however there are others who have stayed and are happy regardless of what the alcoholic has done in the past because the person they are today is not who they were .. that's not to say that they didn't make the amends needed that's to say they didn't hide from what happened.

You don't have to decide today to stay or go .. that will come when it comes. Only you can decide what your deal breakers are and today is not the day. I kind of wish the information in my case had come slower .. I wouldn't have stayed that wasn't the plan .. ever I don't think .. that's to say I would have been healthier in where I was coming from and handled my divorce very differently. I wasn't and it had it's own lessons. I had to decide what my deal breakers were and I could not move past the infidelity and the lies because I wanted something different .. I wanted a partner who was not an alcoholic. That's a true statement.

Just for today you do not have to decide .. just for today you can live in the present with a man who is no longer who he was. I am sorry that you have information that is very difficult to deal with and process. I have been watching a BBC show and one of the storylines was how long until a murder doesn't really count .. and I liked what the lead detective had to say about it. I don't know how to quantify a situation that no one seems to remember what happened really.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself and just kind of take it moment by moment .. they say one day at a time however sometimes it's literally min by min.

Big hugs, S :)

Gloves, welcome. First, what someone else did or didn't do about reading something is now irrelevant. That's them, and you are you. You have integrity -- that I can tell. However, what's done is done. The best thing you can do for YOU right now is not beat yourself up. Second, stop trying to figure out what you read, the how and why, etc. The more you try and figure it out, the more stories you will tell yourself, the more scripts you will write, and the more you will drive yourself crazy. You won't come up with real answers, just possibilities, theories, etc.

You sound like you've already made the decision to not broach the subject now. I agree. I wouldn't. When I found out -- in a written document as well -- that my wife was cheating on me, I spoke to my sponsor first. And second. And third. LOL. The approach I took was...JUST FOR TODAY...I do not have to broach this subject. I agree with you for innumerable reasons. Start going to face to face alanon meetings. Find a sponsor and start working the alanon program FOR YOU, and YOUR recovery. You are not an addict or alcoholic. However, a loved one is...and thus...ALANON IS FOR YOU.

All the best.

 

 

((((Gloves))))...All of that was ESH as was explained...our Experiences, Strengths and Hopes.  We learn from those who come to and share this recovery program as it was shared with them creating a new sanity.  Yes our program is a step and tradition program...twelve of each and others while the focus is different.  For the alcoholic and addict the focus is sobriety and sanity and for us peace of mind and sanity...yes there is much more available to all of us and we work the program as directed by those who came before us.  For me for a long while I was the only man in Al-Anon that I was aware of so I was re-raised by the women in the program which gave my mom the son she always wanted and didn't have the ESH to get.  Love her.   I got a life worth living from Al-Anon and my Alcoholic/Addict got a crazy person taken out of her way to sobriety.

We can and will take the program one day at a time so I am very happy to share this one day with you and the rest of this family.   ((((hugs))))  

Hi everyone!

Wow thank you all so much for responding and providing input. It really is so very, very helpful for me. It assisted me getting back to the present even more. To remember what is important. To remind myself of his transformation which I saw with my own eyes! I'm feeling better about not giving my own fears power. It was really odd, when my bf did arrive (I think I'll call him Bob here), I found myself just watching him as a person. More clued into his mannerisms and personality. I felt like an observer. It was weird but I felt like I was waiting to fall in love again-- to see what drew me in the first place.

I did have a migraine yesterday, and felt like crud, but I used it to get me through spending the first few hours with him since I found the inventory. I just couldn't get myself to feel... much of anything. I felt in my own world. Detached. I'm really bad at hiding things when something bothers me, but I managed to make it work. Somehow. And Bob was being just as sweet as he could be. I think it was a challenge for him (let go and let god).

I think I'm taking my own slow road to forgiveness. I just feel the "pre-inventory me" coming through the clouds every once in a while. I know he must have carried that guilt for a long time, and I think there is probably more behind the story. He's just that kind of person. It wasn't meant for me to see. Some things I won't understand, and I will be okay with that. My emotions are going to probably ebb and flow with this, but I still want to start going to al-anon meetings. It'll have to wait until after Thanksgiving break so Bob won't have to know. I'd rather keep it private. Good for me, and good for him too.

When I could, I signed on my phone to read all your responses throughout last night, and it helped me get through last night so much. It made me feel warm. I'm so glad I came here.

Getting through the weekend is finally over. I felt myself feeling not attracted to him sexually/emotionally at all at this time. We watched the movie called "Blow" and it opened up a conversation about how being sober in with sex addiction is like with drinking/drugs. He said a couple of his friends from high school he thinks were sex addicts. You know, the crowd he hung around with. I was just listening to him and asked questions like I normally would. It's weird for me though now having read his inventory. At one point he brought up on his own that he is thinking about revisiting his fearless inventory and doing it over again. I asked how it changes, and he was thinking of doing it again with his sponsor. This made me feel relieved. I asked when was the last time he went to a meeting, and it's been since August.

At another point during the night yesterday, we talked about people who have been more-or-less blacklisted because of their sexual past. He said he believes everyone deserves redemption and a second chance. This all stems from watching that Blow movie! Bob is also a HS teacher, and he said he feels good reaching out to at-risk youths. He said he relates to them. He's saying all the right things to me. And I feel like, without him knowing it, he's providing input that I need to hear. But, it's really hard not to just come right out and ask specific things. To tell on myself. I still am not going to say anything until I go to an al-anon meeting, but each day I feel like I'm pretending, and I don't like that. So I'm glad at least until then, I can come here and write, and read responses.

Also, through my pretending, I feel disappointed because I am being more in the moment. By being more in the moment, I'm more observant. By being more observant, I remember how non-helpful he is about things in general. He isn't particularly helpful or thoughtful when it comes to me/our home. Though, he did do things to make me laugh, which was nice. On Thursday, I asked him what makes me happy (this obviously is out of context), and he didn't want to add anything. He said "what makes you happy is what makes you happy." I responded I hoped for a real answer, and he just said but I love you! Idk, sometimes I feel like he doesn't really know what I need. It has been communicated before. I've felt like this before (actual years), but learned to accepted it. After this weekend, I feel like I have that reminder again. My focus has shifted from him and what he is doing as an individual, to me focusing on what my needs are. Need to refocus...

Also, while we were watching Blow, I was looking up what falls under someone w/ a sex addiction and it said chronic masturbation. Bob went into how little he masturbates now while we are doing long-distance. He then wanted to know how often I do, and it's more than him for sure. Although we had just talked about this last week, he acted like he'd not heard it before. He just looked at me like he was hurt by that. He used to get weird about it even when we were together. Jealous acting. That insecurity that I'm so familiar with coming around again. Might be my contribution as to how I pulled back from him this weekend.

Anywho, I think that's all for now. I think he probably needs to get active in the AA community again, and I really am eager to go to an al-anon meeting. It'll have to wait until next Monday or Tuesday. I am meditating still every day. Thanks everyone for reading and providing feedback.

Hey gloves - good on you that you're living life on life's terms! I'm glad you're feeling better as well. What recovery taught me is that I overthink, over-analyze, over-process almost everything. When I try to just focus each day on the present, my brain slows a bit and I can see the beauty of most today. I had to work to accept others exactly as they are, define boundaries as I could and detach from what's not mine...easier said than done, but very possible with this program.

Make it a great day! Keep coming back!

Detaching from what's mine, you said Iamhere. That really helps me this morning. Yesterday, we kind of had an argument. I wanted to watch a movie we've always enjoyed watching together; we'd been talking about it for months. He said he's going to multi-task while it's on, and so I said well let's watch something else since I've been waiting to watch so maybe another time. Yes, I was disappointed, but I was moving on. He wanted to stop everything and discuss this. To be honest, I had to go through a reminder of expectations. Bob often does whatever he wants, and I can't change that. I don't have control over it. After everything that I read last Thursday, yeah, under the surface, I was really struggling of that reminder. I couldn't tell him that. So it came out with me being upset. He felt the need to, as he put it, challenge me while I was crying. I told him if you are wanting to contribute to any growth, usually you would want to do it when the person isn't crying. At least, that's what I always did with him. Pass the emotions, then have a real talk. Emotions cloud judgment. He was really wanting to explore emotions while I was upset. Why am I disappointed? And it was honestly such a juvenile thing. But he was the one telling me that it was all very stupid after his need to challenge something that I didn't think was worth all of it.

PS, having slept for only 12 hours over a 48 hr period isn't great especially when upset.

Anyway, I'm nearing 30, and we aren't married, and I want to have kids. I've been really feeling the need to have children stronger and stronger of these past few months. We talked about how his mom is supportive whether we are married or not (we are kind of traditional). He actually just talked to her a few days ago about it. It was the first time yesterday that he contributed the idea to having kids in a realistic way...

Going back to the argument (if that's what you want to call it), I tell him I need a break, because I'm upset and I know what I need to do for myself. He says, "Is this how you are going to behave with our own kids?" And honestly, that gutted me SO badly. I sobbed in the shower, I sobbed by myself in bed once I went to bed, and I cried upon waking. I never cry like this... I haven't cried this badly since he was drinking and he'd say the perfect thing that would send me into a whirlwind. Because he always knew what would hurt me the most at that moment.

I'm just having a hard time. This week is providing its difficulties, and I don't feel well. I accepted so much of who he is, and I'm taking a really strong effort to accept everything that I now know. In my own time, you know? I felt judged for being upset, I felt unaccepted. I'm doing the best that I can...

havent read this whole thread. I may come back to it tonight. I just wanted to share a thought. We learn in alanon we make an amends Unless when to do so would harm someone deeper. what comes to me is this .. Everything you read in this inventory is part of an Honest admission and miracle in progress .. Motive ? to change and grow for the better and come Clean thru the Care of hp. Some will Never do an inventory .. will Never become willing. I think it's a blessing when others are willing so just sayin .. what might be viewed as a negative might ironically be a positive .. turning to hp is always the next right action. no judge in my reply. hugs for u thru the discomfort. I love betties short and simple wise replies.

Hi everyone! I was honestly scared of coming back here because I have this guilt for saying anything. I'm afraid of criticism about this :(

I realized that the past several weeks that he had pulled back emotionally (like I said earlier, we are doing long-distance right now). He isn't telling me things anymore. This just lent itself into his inventory that I found and I began to worry. I know how he was when he began to invest in other women before (as for physically cheating, I don't really know. Emotionally, yes, he did. And he had slept with them before). It made me scared!

Another thing happened earlier last week. I had planned on seeing him before I went on a campus tour to think about graduate school. He tried to get me to not go, and wanted to discuss all these reasons why it might not be a good idea. It really upset me; I've been talking about grad school for several years now. Like I mentioned before, I have some medical issues, so the mental/emotional abrupt changes really has a negative effect on my body. Also, it really took the wind out of my sails. Through Bob and I talking, I realized that he sabotaged me looking at grad school again, and he wasn't exactly aware he was doing it. He felt really, really bad, and he apologized. I felt helpless. In retrospect, it just made me wonder if I just became complacent with our relationship, and maybe I do need to care more about some things.

During this conversation, I decided to talk to him about him going to AA and me going to al-anon. He was all on board with me going to al-anon. But with him, honestly, the more we talked, the more I realized he really needs to have a sponsor near him. So I encouraged him, and he said he will take care of it. Whatever that means. I guess that is where trust is supposed to come in to play.

Just to wrap up the argument I wrote about last week, we ended up talking for a few hours that morning. I still haven't brought up the inventory. It's STILL in the same place I found it. At some point, I need to be ready to ask him to take it out of the house. I really don't want it here, and I don't want to know where it is. I did tell Bob that I hadn't been that upset since he was drinking to his face. He said he wanted to understand better. It just came back to something I noticed years ago... does he really know what makes me happy? What makes me joyful? He told me that he doesn't know how I handle disappointment, and wanted to know how I was thinking and to help "fix" me. This made me feel condescended to for a multitude of reasons. 1. I used to talk to him like that, and I stop once I realized how I came across, and came to love him as he was. I stopped doing this once I understood he was an alcoholic. 2. I feel like I don't need to share every single time I teach myself something, so that he knows that I'm still "growing as a person." To me, that is really annoying, and not giving me any credit to living with a recovering alcoholic.

I would have wanted to go to an al-anon meeting this week, but the roads are still so bad from a blizzard we got a few days ago, and I don't feel safe to drive yet. I know there are chat meetings, I'll try to look into them in the meantime. Some days I feel better than others. Some days I forget I read it at all, and that feels really good. All that tells me is that I'm healing and coming along, but there are other things to work on.

gloves - we too had a blizzard on Sunday! I finally ventured out last night - had to get milk. Otherwise, I would not have bothered yet. I had 3 gallons on Saturday - milk monsters live here and it's not me!

The meetings and chat here are a great way to just get acclimated to how Al-Anon works. I hope you find your courage and attend here or locally - it has been a game changer for me! Keep coming back - you are worth it!

I am gloves and yes - we've had some melting during the day and refreezing over night. Yesterday presented tons of melting - yay!!!

I just now went to the top left, and clicked on the 2nd link. I scrolled down a little bit and found a field with mib_xxxxxxx. I believe it asks you to select a nickname to sign in or join. I put in Test123, and hit enter, and it took me right to the chat room. I am on a laptop vs. a mobile, just FYI...

Please try again and shout back - if there are issues, we can share accordingly and get some trouble-shooting for you (and others if needed).

I too would have stopped my efforts if there was a redirect to a strange site - I am very careful about what I do and where I go online...Make it a great day!

Gloves, glad you are feeling that progress is under way. I think it is a great decision to see a therapist. In my experience, individual therapy and diving into the Al-Anon program (meetings, sponsor, steps) were tools that worked together for my recovery.

Thank you :) I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to it! I went to counseling when Bob first got sober. It was also when the stress of our relationship was first beginning to cause me some health problems. I was seeing a cardiologist at the time and was experiencing chest pains! This was the beginning of the end of the body I used to have, really. In counseling then, we didn't end up talking about Bob at all, but about my family instead.... and it was liberating. Very painful though. I feel like it's time again! I feel very confident. I'm going to see a woman this time. One thing that my counselor years ago pointed out is that I have a problem opening up to fellow women. So I decided to see a female therapist. Think it ties back to growing up with brothers, and just about every female relationship I've ever had is unhealthy (probably links to my mother), so it'll be a good challenge in so many ways.

So back with my problem regarding the chatrooms....I tried to join the chat room again, through a different browser, and it said "Your IP address is listed in a blacklist. You may have a virus, trojan or be running an open proxy. Please check dronebl.org for details." I use a MacBook, so I should not have any virus at all. Not sure what to do about it... thanks in advance :)

Hey Gloves - I too love to see you seeing/feeling progress. That's all we strive for one day at a time! There is never any shame in using any/all resources available to help us heal/deal from this disease and all it brings. We talk always about being willing to go to any lengths and that's such a personal part of the journey. Just keep doing you and what helps you deal/heal - you've got great awareness and a great start going! Keep coming back - you are not alone!

Hi everyone!

So I met up with my oldest and best friend this weekend. It's actually been 5 years since we've seen each other, the entire length of time that Bob has almost been sober too! I told her everything, and she felt so strongly about the fact that I need to sometime bring it up with him. She also thinks that he should have burned his inventory and not left in the house I own. He had said "don't look in here," and that it was unfair of him to do that. Once I started to talk, she said it was obvious I was carrying a burden. When I talked about it with her, I started to shake and feel cold, and have a stomach ache... a really bad one. My friend is a nurse, and she said I was having a little bit of a panic attack from it. Thank god for her, since it made me feel like I had more control understanding what it was that was happening. It was really such a strange thing to realize how much I am still hurting from it. I really want to already be talking to a therapist about it... but I have to wait until the beginning of January. She said as long as he hasn't cheated on me, that's what is important. I honestly feel like I really do think I need to talk to him about it at some point because it's still causing me pain.

Makes me sad. I feel sad today. :(

-- Edited by gloves808 on Saturday 15th of December 2018 08:32:55 AM

-- Edited by gloves808 on Saturday 15th of December 2018 08:34:08 AM

Dear friend, I don't believe you can simply tell your heart to be quiet now, regardless of how you found this information, it's irrelevant.   And I believe your meditation practice is arousing this deep concern for our fellow sister, who may have been violated. so I understand your longing to discuss it with him ((big hugs))

My former AH apologized for all of his secrets and harm to our relationship. However, the extreme selfish, self-seeking, and dishonesty actually never stopped. Al-anon helped me to notice that whenever words and actions don't match up....... it kills the trust, regardless of the relationship.

Apologies are not amends, they're just words. A change in character is a true amends. I can trust with my own eyes.  The kind of character I trust today is one that desires everyone's well-being and happiness...

which I am grateful to add, describes my significant other.   I am in a wonderful relationship today. One that is mutually respectful, reliable, loyal, understanding, quiet and peaceful.   His character so inspires me, and resonates with my own values and spiritual goals.  So my ESH is

Expect the highest and best for yourself, because NOTHING is too good for you. Hold that in your heart ((my friend))

-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 15th of December 2018 08:02:55 PM