I invaded his privacy- his inventory - Al-Anon Family Group

2HP · Senior Member

I invaded his privacy- his inventory

gloves808 · Member

I totally agree. I intend to continue meditating every single day. I started back last spring. I do my best to get it in, but it does immensely help. It calms my waters, and helps me get outside myself. Just that little bit of escape changes my perspective on a lot of things. I feel so calm after.

When I went to visit my friend, it was the first time I went to hang out with a girl friend without my boyfriend in years. He always wanted to tag along, and to be honest, I realized that I'd become pretty complacent. I accommodated his insecurities because it was easier than dealing with it. When I went to see my friend, he was trying to be controlling, and passive aggressive with me. It just reminded me of how he needs to know everything about everything when we aren't together. It is drowning! He wants to know when I go for walks, when I go to the store. When all that controlling behavior began, it didn't sit right with me then. I thought that he was jealous/insecure. As the years have passed... wow, I have allowed a lot to happen. Thanks to my friend, it was a stark reminder.

While I was there, I just told him flat out I don't like his insecure behavior. It has been hard enough waiting to talk about the fact that I found his inventory; and when this happened, I just had to put my foot down. I told him that he needs to talk to his sponsor regarding relinquishing control and to just trust me. I'm not a child, and I have the ability to go and do what I want. He's just been very passive aggressive and it is such a huge turn-off. So I decided to return home and visit my parents for the rest of the week. My friend said she thought I needed a mental health break. She's so right.

One moment at a time is all I can do. I'll continue to write here. I want to have a sponsor for al-anon, but here I am again... out of town... so I still have to wait on that one. Still would like to sit in on a meeting somewhere though, which I could do here. I'll look up local meetings.

gloves808 · Member

Good morning everyone!

I've gotten back to the routine of meditating every day, and I've been to the chat room meetings twice now. Amazing how huge a difference it makes!

Bob came home for his Christmas break yesterday, and we got to talking. I did ask him how many people he's been with, and he wanted to know why I suddenly wanted to know now after being together for so long. I said that my friend and I were talking about it, and that I realized that I never asked. This was the way I decided to go about it. We talked about his history, and mine, for about 3 hours in bed last night. He said that he actually felt relieved telling me and that it wasn't a big deal. We did cover quite a lot last night, and it was really heavy. He was adamant about that vaginal sex is what is what really matters to him. The other stuff he said is only based of where he was from (Chicago), and that it was a bunch of dumb high school kids. He told me several stories. It was enough for now to hear.

It made me feel so much better. I feel WAY more grounded than I did. I told him what my values are when it comes to sex, and I was completely honest that I never asked primarily due to fear. And I let fear drive the train. He was very kind and supportive.

In regards to the controlling behavior that was exhibited with my friend when I visited her, we had a serious talk about that. And I was crystal clear. He said he would work on it. He told me the reasons why he was feeling insecure/controlling, and for a large reason, he self-sabotaged himself. He thought my friend and I were going to talk crap about him the entire weekend, and that worried him, so he behaved that way. Fulfilled his own prophecy. It was really interesting, to say the least, to watch him work through that.

On the upside, he is remembering to ask me things, remembering things I say... just putting more of an effort in than he has in the past several months. He let me know that he did in fact reach out to his resources during that time, he was talking to his sponsor and his friends. It definitely shows. But as for my side of things, I feel like I'm growing too. Stable, kind, patient.

I still feel strongly about having the inventory out of the house. At some point, I will ask him to take it with him... but I don't feel nearly as burdened as I did. And that's progress for sure. Thank you everyone. One step at a time.

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