The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm lost. My darling husband has been drinking more and more. I don't know how much he drinks as he's quite good at hiding it, 'just going to the shop' ..etc.. We have conversations at dinner (which he cooks!) and then he often forgets the discussion. My son and I are very open in front of him and tell him he drinks too much. I've always considered our family to be a happy family, we've had a few ups and downs, but we both have jobs we enjoy, no serious financial problems. My husband has difficulties showing affection although both my son and I know he loves us unconditionally. Our son came out as being gay 6 years ago and my husband really fell apart for a few days but although I encouraged him to talk either to me or to a professional. He poo-pooed the idea. Even though this was an emotional shock I think his drinking goes way further back. He also lost his father at the age of 19. His mother is not really available emotionally for him and never has been. I think he realises he drinks too much but because ' it's just wine mixed with water' or 'I'm French of course I drink wine with food' will not admit he is alcohol dependant or an addict. I've tried to encouraging him, leaving him information, threatening him, scaring him. nothing!!! I love him very much, he has always supported me and I want him to get well for himself. He works hard and is able to drink less when he works.
I'm sorry and know how painful this is. Please realize this is not your fault or your son's fault.
I am glad you came here and shared. You will get lots of wisdom, as we have been there and understand.
My husband also used to cook the dinners and had similar explanations about wine.
When I was at this point, I found an Al-Anon meeting in my community. I learned that I didn't cause, couldn't control, and couldn't cure my husband's alcoholism... but I could care for myself. Our adult daughter also found her own Al-Anon meeting. We found our own ways to detach from his disease, and stopped trying to control him. We needed a lot of support from Al-Anon and therapists to do this. Eventually my husband broke through his denial when he was ready. There are no guarantees, as the person has to decide on their own to face it.
There is definitely hope for you to feel better.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 15th of October 2017 07:53:53 AM
Welcome to MIP Angela - glad you found us and glad you shared. Denial is a huge element of alcoholism and it's really more common for one to deny there are issues than to admit/accept. In my world, the drinking actions of others was robbing me of me - which is how I ended up in Al-Anon. I truly felt defeated and beat down when I arrived - never heard, neglected, etc.
In the program, I found others with similar experiences yet they had joy/peace. I now know I am powerless over other people, places and things yet can work on me to be the best version of me no matter what others are/are not doing.
I hope you seek out meetings and try recovery. It's been a game-changer for me and I am so better equipped to deal with chaos brought about by the disease or not! Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Angela-Your title of "lost" caught my eye and at times I have felt completely defeated inspite of caring attempts to help my A spouse, along with begging and crying . Nothing worked except joining Alanon and learning to fix myself. So there hasn't been begging and crying on my end for several years. But because you and your daughter have already found Alanon, I will think of you as "found." You have found the way to health for yourself, and you are the only person you can control. When I finally accepted that, my life changed for the better. And yes there are still very rough times, but overall I am stronger, happier, and know I can manage myself better no matter what my A is doing, Lyne
I admit i don't have much time to fully read this but i read the title Lost .. and wanted to briefly add .. but ''here'' you are in alanon . for families and loved ones coworkers friends all effected by alcoholism .. glad you were lost ? and found your way Here .. realise today .. i was led to alanon .. first time in my life i was glad to be a follower .. i thought that was a bad thing many years til i realised it's ok to follow as long as we follow what is good .. helps me also to realise alcoholism is a disease .. thinking disease not just drinking .. all become effected (including the drinker) .. hope you keep coming back .. i may try to read this in full later when more time .. working through the insanity myself still .. probably will 'always be ..
lol just read first line of post before mine after typing .. well i will leave this .. sometimes i too need to hear something twice .. before i hear it ..
Aloha Angela and welcome to the board...this is the place to read and learn about the disease in your life that you are powerless over. What a life long lesson to me as at first "If she would JUST CUT BACK OR STOP" I had no idea about alcoholism even though I was born and raised in it. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and so my journey started where I fully resisted...in the rooms of the AFG. I encourage you to look up the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and come out to where and when we get together to help and support ourselves and others to stay happy and sane whether our alcoholics and or addict are drinking or using or not. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
