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Hi all! Thoughtful today, and want to share my thoughts with you.
I'm living on my own now for almost a month, having finally made a boundary with my abf that I'm going to live separately for 3 months, and after that time, if he is living sober and working on maintaining his sobriety, I will move back in. I have to say this time on my own has been real good for me, for getting myself back to some degree of spiritual health, because I have a lot more time for myself, to get some perspective on my life. I'm now starting to see how strongly ingrained my people-pleasing attitude is, coming from way back since I was a child, really. So I've got this predisposition for codependency, and its pretty strong, it has shaped a lot of my choices over the years, some of them I really regret. I have forgiven myself for these choices - one thing my abf was really good at was making me take my own inventory on the bad or shameful things I've done. In a way, I'm grateful, cuz this part of my 4th step (which I'm currently working on) has mostly been completed already, and it was a hard part indeed.
I'm listening to a lot of recordings from speakers at AA and Alanon conferences lately on YouTube, great speakers there, I find these very illuminating. Listening again and again to different people from AA tell their story, in many ways very similar to my abf's situation as I see it, seems to finally have struck home to me that he is indeed powerless over alcohol which in turn makes me see this is truly a disease, and he is a very sick person. I knew I was insane when I finally got to my first Alanon meeting on January 5th this year - I felt insane, completely unable to cope with life. My anxiety was slowly killing me. I'm coming to accept now that I am sick too, but thankfully there is medicine for that. :)
Detachment comes really hard for me, at first I was working on giving myself moments, minutes, perhaps a few hours tops at any one time of attention to my life, my self etc. instead of my A. It was so very hard at first, I thought - how could I NOT think about him, he's doing this and that, going through this and that, and bla bla bla... I'm getting better at it, but there's a really looooooong way to go still.
Today after him calling me to "help" him again, never mind the details, I could refuse to do that and help with what I could and what I didn't consider harmful to me or him. So most of today has been accompanied with calls (which I stopped picking up) and texts (which I don't reply to anymore) about how he's in a tight situation, and how I'm arrogant and letting my principles cloud my judgment, etc. I'm pretty happy about me for not agonizing over this like I used to do about things like this, though I must say this is making my day somewhat less pleasant. On the bright side, I'm also able to see the positive of this, which is that it got me thinking more deeply about things like detachment and my codependent tendencies. I'm SO glad I'm able to see the positive side, this is a true blessing for me!
I'm also starting to see my enabling him has robbed him of a chance to grow up, though I realize I did what I thought was best with what I knew at the time, which wasn't much. It's so sad, this disease, it brings so much damage to all involved. Recently, I've seriously begun to wonder sometimes how on earth did humans survive for all these centuries since they found out how to brew booze. To be honest, on my personal "dangers to humanity" scale right now alcohol is near the top along with global warming and nuclear war. LOL :D Sounds funny when I'm writing it down, but I'm actually pretty serious about this. Might be I'm not being completely objective about this topic, though :D
Meanwhile, I'm slowly getting a better hang on "One day at a time". Sounds so simple, but it isn't for me! I've often forced myself to take things "just for today", very often not succeeding. Also, I now begin to really see the force of the phrase "Focus on me" (I used to have no clue how focusing on me will make my life and the drinking better, but I tried to do it anyway, cuz I'm really good at doing what I'm told to, LOL). Now that I look back on the last 6 months of my life, comparing it with my pre-Alanon years, I can see that even me forcing myself to do JUST THIS ONE THING FOR ME TODAY, whatever it was, has added up nicely to me today, I'm saner and happier than I have been in years!
I'm on vacation this week and mostly taking things easy, it feels good! Also, my 6 month anniversary in Alanon is approaching, and I'm pretty excited about this! I think I'll celebrate it with a cake or similar at the meeting on July 6th. :)
Thanks for reading, thanks for existing, and in particular thanks for sharing - MIP has been and continues to be of great help to me, I've learned a lot about myself from you! :)
It's amazing that you have such awareness in and around your people-pleasing issues, and even more importantly, the co-dependency issues. Co-dependency tends to be strong -- very strong -- and of course it can impact everything we think, say, do, believe, how we make decisions, and so on and so on. While our program instills in us to focus on ourselves -- I always found it helpful to recognize that the alcoholic/addict was powerless over alcohol/drugs, and I was powerless over them. I was also powerless over being able to do anything about their drinking/drug use. Our "addiction" -- even just our thinking, actions, mindset, etc. -- is our disease. It is what makes us unhealthy.
Yes, detachment can be hard. I've always said there can be two types of detachment -- physical and emotional -- with the latter often being the hardest. Emotional detachment can take on many forms -- thinking about him/her, people-pleasing, putting their needs and wants in front of or completely neglecting our own, getting sucked into their drama, chaos and turmoil, not focusing on ourselves, being immersed in what they are doing, where they are going, and so on. Not being detached -- is being attached. That "partnership" with the alcoholic/addict is us spiraling down with them. I've often said that the twisted cousin of detachment is enabling. Enabling, in the traditional sense, is simply doing something for someone else that they can and should and could do for themselves -- but it can be much more. Enabling can also be "perpetuating" the chaos, drama, turmoil, confrontations, arguments, etc. -- your role in it. If I am doing that, I am enabling this to continue, because I can stop -- the addict/alcoholic cannot.
Thanks for the post...keep up the good work.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
It is great that the Alanon program has helped you to take time to see who you are and where you are going. I encourage you to not take a three month timeline too seriously with your abf. I know there is a number of months people recommend in recovery before you should get involved in an emotional relationships, and I am not sure what it is. Your situation is a little different because you were already involved with someone but don't rush or put to many expectations on yourself. Your abf's sobriety is not really your problem and I am not saying that to be rude or mean. His drinking or not drinking will effect you and the idea is to not have that negative influence in your life. I had a hard time turning off the constant stress associated with my ex-A. I don't know how many times I changed my telephone number only to eventually call him. That merry-go-round was right there waiting for me to get back on it. Eventually, I was able to go more days at a time without having any contact with him. Days turned into weeks and he did not die or anything, he learned to take care of himself without me. Eventually, he did get very sick from his drinking but it has nothing to do with me, it was his disease not mine. Glad you are feeling stronger, and I hope it just keeps getting better for you.
I agree, Aline, sounds like you are on the good road to a happier life..ABF has to find his own way as we all can be together, yes, but we are still separate spirits on our own unique journey...I really enjoyed reading your progress and your honest assessment of your part in the relationship...very impressed...I have a "dry" alcoholic sister who used to drink heavily but quit...cold turkey...but she still has the "isms" and now terminal with cancer and may I say veeery difficult to interact with, but she is on her last months of life, according to the doctors, she is sliding down fast, so i am determined to be in her life, make her smile, etc., BUT i have my boundaries...I sent her a cute little throw that you put over you when watching tv or being bedridden as much as she is, a nice comfy thing to snuggle with and i never heard on facebook that she got it (she usually PM's me on facebook which I have cut way back on as I am doing life: tennis, basketball, swimming etc.....
anyway back to my point, LOL, I pm'd her and said "either the package didn't get there or you didn't like it (and i inserted smile face) and i told her that if it was bad color, give it to one of her grandkids, it was fine with me..........she FIRES back at me "OMG---drama---I can't deal with you...............expletives expletives........................." and on she goes
I just wrote her back and said I would send her love and comfort energy, but was going to get off the messenger because I didn't sign up to be blasted by her anger...I told her I was sorry if she was having a bad day and we can chat later when she is feeling better and "Poof" I was outta there.....I know in the past, pre-alanon and ACOA days, I would have traded insults with insults, kept the fire blazing, OR unfriended her and dumped her...something radical and crazy (black and white thinking) but this time I just blew it off as "she is ill..dying...detach with love and peace" and I DID...yaaay me!!!! so yea, I love it when I see another detaching but being humane and compassionate, but not taking any negativity....I take care of MY needs first so I am not useless to the ones who can use a boost from me.......
Thank you for your shares and encouragement :) Regarding that 3 month deadline - I'm not putting much stock into it. In fact, I feel that's too little for me in any case, I need more time on my own... I got a bad headache just as I was getting to sleep yesterday, so I couldn't fall asleep for several hours, and I suspect the incessant calls and texts had something to do with that as well... So yeah, progress not perfection.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I see real willingness and hard work paying off for you and I relate to everything you share here. I also got some amazing progress in just 6 months of joining Alanon, it was like I was ready, had reached my bottom, had enough humility to see that everything I was doing was just not working too well for me.
My life has changed beyond all recognition, Ive changed beyond recognition, Im lighter in so many ways, lost weight, go to the gym, stopped smoking, stopped wondering or caring what others think of me, stopped controlling, let go of people places and things mostly. Its an actual miracle to me when I take stock of my progress. Im so very grateful.
I need Alanon in my life every day, so I listen to AA speakers on youtube too, I blast it in the car and sometimes I wonder what anyone would think if they heard it, lol. I love the old timers and I can relate to them so much and of course I do, we have the same disease just coming at a different perspective but our recovery journey is the same as are most of our symptoms. I love learning about Alanon and its never ending, the awarenesses just keep coming then they come again and again just a little deeper. Im grateful for this awful disease, can't think of anything else in this world that would have pushed and pushed and pushed until I broke. Being broken was the best thing to ever happen to me ever.
Keep on keeping on as they say it just keeps getting better and better.
(((Aline))) - great lovely share.....I see program in action, great awareness and recovery in process! I am glad you are working it - looks great on you! Thanks for being part of my journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
