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*Hello everyone, I just wanted to update on my ex-fiance who was in treatment for addiction to Oxycontin. I had previously posted under the user name YoungLady but I lost the password and was unable to reset it.*
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My ex-fiance, now "boyfriend" is seven months sober from opiates. The past year was really frustrating and difficult. He relapsed shortly after leaving his sober house, never did make it to meetings and had two surgeries requiring a week of painkillers each. From January through October he relapsed and I continued to call him out but his mother refused to accept it until it became apparent with his ongoing money issues and eventually his own confession. His parents and I cut him off completely and he ended up living out of hotels for about two weeks and using up the rest of his savings until he made the decision to stop using.
During this period of relapse/using however, he continued to see his counselor and and a priest and at least seemed to gain some insight into his issues. His last surgery was in October and he has been seven months clean since that point although he has since stopped seeing his counselor. This counselor was not a recovery advocate or specific to addiction but more a of motivational interviewer and he felt that they had gotten the most they would of their time together. He has passed every drug test, agreed to do hair testing and is planning on attending meetings. He does drink occasionally still which definitely bothers me and is something I'm watching very closely but it is his sobriety and not my responsibility, so I am putting it entirely in his hands.
He has agreed to go to couples counseling with me and I'm researching the therapists in our insurance plans to find a good fit. I know there's a lot more he could be doing to work on his long-term recovery but for right now he's testing clean on random tests that are specific and accurate.
Lately I've been very angry and frustrated with him. I know I hold a lot of anger towards him. I still have no idea what to expect in terms of long-term recovery. Seven months isn't a lot of clean time but even while I say that, it's a big deal. He no longer refuses drug tests and I'm ordering a hair test kit at his request. He is going to an NA meeting tomorrow and this will be the first time he's been to one since the summer when he was relapsing. It's a big deal that he's going and something I used to push harder for. But this entire recovery has only been on his terms and it seems he was finally doing it for himself and not for me. I don't know why it seems that as he's doing better, I'm more angry and upset with him. He's been more helpful and supportive but I've just been more frustrated at where we are. Maybe I'm starting to resent calling off the engagement and wedding more? I'm not sure..
I wish that my life would be as neat and clean as I had planned it out to be before I found out about his addiction but I'm starting to think maybe life is never neat and clean, or at least not for long.
I just want to know if anyone has experienced the recovery of an addicted spouse or loved one. How did you get over your anger? How did you learn how to forgive them? Is anyone married or in a relationship with a recovering addict that is doing well? How did you heal from the hurt that the addiction caused you?
Sorry for the long post. I'm really grateful for any and all comments and advice, even if they are critical or not complimentary. I want to do the right thing for both of us, even if that means we won't be together. Thank you!
Hello YoungLady,
Alanon can be very helpful to deal with your anger. Life should not be so much work. I found some of your other post, and it sounds like your ex-fiance has done an extraordinary job of working on his recovery. I do not know many people that would go see a priest, take all of the drug test, go to counseling ect.. I have never heard of anyone agreeing to get a hair test to prove they are not using either. You said that his sobriety is not your responsibility and you were putting in all in his hands but you seem awfully involved in everything. I am not saying that in a bad way but in Alanon we can learn to put the focus back on ourselves. Is there an agreement that he has to do all these things in order to be in the relationship, or are you hoping that you can get married soon? I would be angry too and I think that you should start to focus on yourself.
Hello Younglady I am pleased that he is embracing recovery. Now it might be time for you to embrace alanon face to face meetings, work the Steps( which will enable you to let go of your anger and resentments) and provide you with new constructive tools to live by as well as a place to go and connect with others who truly understand.
Please remember that each person's recovery is individual. Recovery for both people is a process and takes time and effort .
That sounds like positive news, and great that he is seeking recovery for himself.
I went through that anger thing and the timing was similar to yours. My theory, and this is just my experience and my interpretation of it, is that when AH was drinking my emotions were very much kept in check, I suppressed every feeling, good and bad, in order to cope and get myself through another day. So I think my rising anger, just when things seemed to be getting better, was simply a return of my feelings and on balance I think that was, and is, a good thing. I took it as a sign that I was, in fact, feeling more relaxed, although it didn't always feel like that at the time!!!
How I dealt with my anger and resentment was something that I had to become responsible for. Alanon meetings helped (a lot). I used HALT (a lot)... so as I felt myself getting grubbier and grubbier I would ask myself what I needed in order to restore my mood. Did I need to eat something, express something, talk to a friend or take a rest? I also (very briefly) mentioned to AH that my feelings were coming back, that it was likely to seem a bit turbulent, but was a very good thing and that I would really appreciate his understanding if I appeared to be a bit more selfish or moodier than usual.
One of the gifts of the whole darn crazy process is that I now feel much more responsible for my own moods and wellbeing. These are some of the things that help me be myself - keeping a journal; gifting myself something nice each and every day - a walk, a facial, even a holiday once; good music; a dance around the house. Oh and gratitude - every evening I pause to think about 'my three best things of the day.' There are always at least three things when I get down to thinking about it.
Sending (((((hugs)))))) - you ask some good questions.
Great to hear your positive story. For me once my husband stopped drinking I thought that was the end of our problems but I realized after he got sober how much anger I had pent up inside. I will say that it took me about a year for my resentment to reside and really another year (two year coming up on his sobriety) for me to start to gain back trust. This is all a process and you have to give yourself some time to adjust to the new life and the strengthen your relationship again.
I have been married to my recovering alcoholic for 23 years. He finally decided to get sober and get into recovery last July so our guys have about the same amount of sobriety. I, too, have a random drug testing policy in place. The idea is to catch him being good and we have a celebration every time he tests clean. I completely understand the anger. He doesn't even remember most of the hurtful words or actions on his part. What has helped me the most is the realization that he was in the grips of a disease that was out of his control. Even when he didn't want to lie or drink or whatever he did. The disease was stronger than any good intentions he had. This idea was refreshed for me at an AA Speaker meeting this last weekend. In his story he talked about breaking his mother's heart over and over and knowing he was doing it and just not being able to stop himself. The remorse he feels for those actions in sobriety reminded me that I need to continue to separate the alcoholic from my husband. He is attentive, loving and dependable today and I have to choose to be thankful for that. As some of the other posts say, do something nice for yourself. I am still learning how to do that without guilt but it sure does make me a better wife and mother when I take time to just take care of me.
Thank you so much for the insight and perspective. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and understand the best way to support him and also take care of myself. I have just moved apartments and there are a few alanon meetings and narcanon meetings close to me. I want to go to the first one within the next week. I have already been to meetings that weren't step-based but for loved ones of opiate addicts and more like general support groups. I did appreciate and really needed the empathy and understanding I felt there.
I do think it's time that I focus on caring for myself. In many ways the crisis has passed as he is faithfully passing his drug tests and committed to sobriety one day at a time. And now that the acute crisis of his addiction is over, I'm feeling flooded with anxiety and anger, hurt, resentment. I had been living in this place that was just reacting to things as they got worse and doing what had to be done for us to get over each hurdle. I did focus more on him than on myself. Now that it's over I feel like I'm finally reacting to everything emotionally and on a big-picture scale instead of just late nights crying about the latest development. I'm really struggling with the fear though that I will let my guard down and it will all happen again. I know that isn't healthy and I can't live with this level of anxiety hanging over me. I don't know how I can ever let it go but that's what the meetings are for - to learn. I really think they will be good for me in that respect.
I don't want to diminish how well he is doing with my fear that his recovery isn't as smooth or as perfect as I want it to be for my own peace of mind. I know that for now the drug testing is necessary for me to trust he is staying clean. And he's okay with that. I don't want to be in control of any other part of his recovery to be honest. I'm more than happy to hand over the reins and let him take full responsibility of his sobriety. He already has and has had great results so far. And seven months from opiates is nothing to laugh at. I didn't know if it would ever be possible this time last year.
I think this past year I was pushing him to be honest and take control of his addiction and pursue sobriety. Looking back at it, maybe he needed those pushes to get to treatment (I'm still amazed he said yes to rehab) and try sober living and continue with his therapist during his relapses. But at some point in the end of summer he did take over and decide to get clean for himself and that's what has made the difference, I think. He didn't stay clean until he wanted to. But it is so challenging for me to trust that and when I see hiccups or gray areas, I automatically assume the worst. I also get frustrated when his recovery doesn't look like what I thought it would. I know that doesn't sound great on my end, but I'm being honest.
We are going to see a couples counselor soon and I'm looking forward to it. I love this man so much and I know he loves me too. I know that it's incredible for him to even have seven months of recovery at this point considering there are so many people struggling with opiate addiction who can't make it a few days or a week let alone months. I am worried that I'm so hurt and numb from everything that we might never learn to just enjoy each other's company again. I don't want to be hypervigilant all the time. It's exhausting and frightening to live that way. Is there always going to be this between us? I really hope not and at least on my end will do whatever I can to work on being my healthiest self.
I'm sorry that this turned into a confessional more than just a post. I can't really talk to many family and friends about it because they don't understand. Most of them think that I should dump him because of the addiction and leave it at that. Anyways, thank you all again for your words and wisdom. It is so kind and gratefully appreciated.
-- Edited by AYoungLady on Wednesday 17th of May 2017 07:12:41 PM
Younglady,
It is important to do nice things for yourself. So often we get caught up in our partner's addiction that we stop having our own life. I did that, and when we broke up I was sort of lost. That can happen in relationships without addictions too. That is great you have a new apartment, and I hope the different Alanon meetings work out for you. Sometimes you have to try a few groups before you find the right one.
I'm just trying to let myself rest and calm down from this prolonged anxiety and stress I've been going through. It's so mentally exhausting. I also don't know what is and isn't reasonable for a partner to expect from someone in recovery. I expect drug testing and he's agreed to that. But I'm not sure what is reasonable and what is crossing the line. And I have to fight the undercurrent of thought that it all could collapse or the idea that not many people succeed in the first few years of recovery from opiate addiction.
I found a meeting for the weekend and will see how it goes. Thank you for the kind words.
I echo what others said about his taking his own recovery seriously. It really seems like he agrees to do important things he needs to do to get better. A lot of people are so resistant to recovery. I'm dealing with my partner, who is resistant to any after-care program. He's never gotten truly professional treatment in his 20 yr history of drinking. I am curious about something... you mentioned couples therapy... might I ask how this came up? In my boyfiriend's latest relapse, which has been a game-changer for me, I have put the ultimatum of seeking prof help or I'm leaving. He likes to respond with "we both need help". I look at this as him not taking responsibility for his relapse and wanted to put some blame on me.
Anyway, it seems like you are moving right along with this, and that there are some positive developments:) Best of luck to you.
I found the time after AH stopped drinking incredibly stressful - for me it was my lack of belief that it would last that was making me distrustful of the changes taking place. It is a process - I'm not surprised I felt that way! To be honest, I think I was in the habit of being prepared for bad things to happen and I really did have to recognise that my mind was doing most of the havoc making some days _ I had to knuckle down and re-train myself to look at the good things instead.
I think it was all part of the damage that addiction causes to friends and family so for me the best thing I could do to support my husband's recovery turned out to be looking after myself and coming to believe that whatever came up, good or bad, I would cope with it, but that it was ok to take some time off and live in the moment.
Hey AYoung Lady - glad that you've found a meeting and plan to go - that sounds like an awesome, awesome plan. Each situation is so, so different - that's why we don't share what is/is not enabling vs. supporting. That which helped me the most in the beginning was the One Day at a Time and keeping my focus on me. Every moment that my mind wondered to them, their program, their clean time, etc. I had to remind myself or be reminded (by loving program friends and/or a sponsor) that was not my business or my concern.
As far as what to expect - we do suggest that motives and expectations are often the source of much of our discomfort and discontent. We expect too much or too little. We do too much or too little. The Al-Anon program is about looking at ourselves and seeing what changes we can make so we find our peace and joy independent of others, their words, actions/inactions, recovery/relapse.
I would suggest you go to as many meetings as you can find. I would suggest you lean into any support you can find as well as literature. We stay One Day at a Time as the future is unknown always - and more so with this disease. Keep coming back and do what you can for you, in this day and allow the rest to unfold. (((Hugs))) to you - it's not ever easy to love an alcoholic/addict but there is hope and help for those of us who do in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I've done a lot of research on addiction, recovery and relationships and it seems like a common theme for the relationship's survival is treatment for both parties. I needed counseling to get through the pain and anxiety during the worst of his using and the moments when I doubted recovery was possible. He needed counseling to figure out why he was using, learn to deal with his emotions and rebuild himself. I think we both could still use individual counseling, since a lot of these problems don't resolve overnight but take consistency and effort.
As to couples counseling, we have many trust issues now as a result of his addiction and drug use. And looking at our relationship before this all started, I can see patterns of enabling behavior where I took on the bulk of the work to make his life easier. I'm not saying that led to his drug use but it's easy to see now how I helped him avoid his problems in other areas. I thought it was showing my love for him but now realize it was just allowing him to participate less meaningfully in his own life and avoid his responsibilities. I never lent him money for drugs or covered his use for him; I was shocked when I found out and opposed his use from the get-go. But by running errands for him or doing tasks, I participated in him being sheltered. I think I also took away from him the knowledge that he could do these things on his own.
I want us to go to couples counseling so we can learn to forgive each other, let go of our anger and learn to trust again, and create healthy boundaries and expectations for our relationship going forward. I also want an unbiased knowledgeable party to help us figure out a system for monitoring his recovery going forward. I'm not sure what is and isn't reasonable. During his active use, I felt justified going through his things to look for paraphernalia. We need help in finding a system that is agreeable to both of us in terms of drug testing and monitoring. I also want to find out what is reasonable in what I can expect from him. Is it X meetings a month or week? And how long these systems are needed. I don't know how long this monitoring needs to go on. Is it conceivably forever? I also want us to develop a plan if there is ever (God forbid but can't rule it out) a relapse in the future.
We can't really talk about these things without arguing or feeling the other person isn't hearing us. So we are going to find someone who can help us have these conversations. I know we love each other very much and I hope if we stay on the offensive our relationship can survive this terrible disease.
LoveNHope - I forgot to mention something. Part of the reason I asked him to go to counseling with me was because he refused individual counseling for years. I figured if I could get him to agree to go along with me, it showed him I didn't stigmatize counseling and the focus wasn't that something was wrong with him. I actually started seeing a counselor myself because he said the very same thing to me as your boyfriend said to you. I personally feel most people have wounds and hurts that have impacted them deeply and could benefit from counseling. And by seeing a counselor you are showing that you endorse therapy as beneficial and a positive - not just something to seek out when you "mess up."
I think a lot of addicts will turn things back around on their loved ones to avoid the guilt they struggle with. Most people dislike admitting to their failures. But couples counseling is kind of a foot in the door way to get both of you on the right track. You're not responsible for his choice to use or relapse - but you are definitely affected by it. Couples counseling is a good way to remind the person that you still love them and want them to get better, in my opinion anyways. And it takes the focus away from the addiction and puts it back on the couple and relationship.
For me anyways it seemed like the more damaged our relationship was by his drug use, the less incentive he had to maintain it because he assumed we wouldn't make it or I would leave him. We actually saw a priest for for several months together while he was relapsing. At the time it was extremely frustrating because I took it personally that his relapses meant he didn't care if we broke up but came to realize through those sessions I was making it about me. Seeing that counselor didn't have the end results I wanted (miraculous and lifelong sobriety lol) but I think it played a piece in his decision to stop using. It took the focus off of his failures and put it back on the love we had for each other and made us more of a team.
I don't have answers still. He's just tested negative again making him officially seven and a half months clean which I'm really happy for. I still struggle with anxiety at losing him to relapse and anger. That's why I want us to go back to counseling again. I think it can help us navigate the future in a way that's fair to him and that highlights the relationship. I'm still learning I can't control his use. I'm hoping this will help restore balance and strengthen the love we do have.
"We need help in finding a system that is agreeable to both of us in terms of drug testing and monitoring. I also want to find out what is reasonable in what I can expect from him. Is it X meetings a month or week? And how long these systems are needed. I don't know how long this monitoring needs to go on. Is it conceivably forever? I also want us to develop a plan if there is ever (God forbid but can't rule it out) a relapse in the future."
I'm dealing with these same issues with my alcoholic wife. We've been living apart for two and a half years and are in the process of moving back in together. She's been sober for close to a year and is currently in a sober living house. She amenable to breathalyzing and understands why I need that assurance at this time. It's been important for us to discuss my "triggers" so can better contextualize my behavior at times. She used to pass out on the couch all of the time and wouldn't come to. Or, at least to the degree where she was unable stand up. I found her taking a nap on the couch a couple of weeks ago and flipped out. Hey, I'm working on it.
When she was actively drinking, she refused to leave our house. Ultimately, I had to move out and bounced between sublets and a friend's place before finding an apartment of my own. I have many of your same anxieties. What am I going to do if she refuses to be breathalyzed? What if she stops going to meetings? What if she becomes more and more withdrawn?
We've met with a marriage counselor who supported the idea of breathalyzing, at least in the early stages of our recoveries. He suggested we write a formal agreement for living together. Most importantly, he suggested that my wife write the consequences for her relapsing. It's a way for her sober self to commit to plan should the worse case scenario arise. I like his idea. It reinforces the idea that I'm not responsible for her recovery. There are templates for Roommate Agreements online that can easily be adapted, although these agreements are not legally binding. So long as you've consented to someone living with you, removing the from your home requires a court order (or so I was told by a police officer when I tried to get my drunk wife to go stay in a hotel). This is true even if your partner's name isn't on the lease.
Ultimately, I've noticed that I'm trying to create order in a completely uncertain situation. For me, my wife's relapse is a low probability, high consequence scenario. I'm never going to find that certainty, and so I need to learn to live with it. I attended face-to-face al anon meetings for a year and a half, but I no longer go. I started with insight meditation years ago and have gotten deeper into Buddhist teachings and retreats recently. At one of these retreats, I learned one of my favorite quotes: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a different past."
Just in my own case, my A suggested that he get a breathalyzer and I could breathalyze him whenever I felt I needed to. I thought that for me this was a bad idea because it put me in the role of his jailer or judge rather than an equal or a partner. I didn't want to monitor him. I just wanted to go about my own business.
What I learned is that, the way I see it, you never have to monitor an alcoholic (unless you are putting them in charge of a child or an airplane or another situation like that). Because if they start up their addiction again, they will not be able to hide it. They may keep it a secret for a week or two, but the whole thing about addiction is that they can't control it. So the consequences become obvious real soon. Very obvious. Way too obvious. They go from "just doing it once" to "completely out of control" faster than you can say "I wonder if..."
Also, all the plans you have agreed together go out the window. Because addiction does what it wants to do and it doesn't follow anyone's agreement.
That's my experience - as they say, take what you like and leave the rest.
Just wanted to post an update after what I realize has been a long hiatus.
Things are going well overall. He just reached 17 months clean and hasn't smoked any cigarettes or marijuana since Jan. 1st 2018 which is a big deal. We see couples and individuals counselors which has really helped unblock our communication. It feels like we are back on the same team and are working to solve our problems together. I am trusting him to continue growing as a person, maintain his sobriety and communicate when he needs support.
This has definitely been really challenging but it feels like it's getting better all the time. I do still drug test him occasionally but he never refuses and has tested negative every time. That's not a long-term measure just temporary while we figure out when regular testing can stop (hopefully soon.) We are going to talk about resuming our engagement at our next session which is a big step for us. It's scary but exciting.
We've both grown a lot in the past months. When we started couples counseling, he initially would only agree to meet for five or six sessions. Now we are meeting our own individual counselors weekly and have couple sessions every 4-6 weeks with no conversation about end dates to stop counseling. The individual counseling is almost more helpful than the couple's counseling at this point since we both still have stuff to work on.
I still have anxiety about the future but am working to resolve that and it's been better as he shows me I can trust him. I definitely keep thinking about all that I've learned from reading other's experiences and it's still a little nerve-wracking when I read so many people who are married for decades to addicts or alcoholics and have said they wouldn't do it again. Trying to take all these experiences and move forward with the best judgement I can. Thanks for all the well wishes and advice on this posting. It's all been so helpful!
Welcome back AYoungLady - and kudos to hear that you both are progressing! I am always joyful when I hear good news regarding this disease and the way it affects everyone. Seeing folks work for progress individually and together is awesome. Keep doing what you're doing and good to see you again!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The slogan "It works when you work it" is really supportive. Good on you both for working it keep on keeping on...That another slogan that's good. ((((hugs))))
