The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post, and I am not usually the type to share on a message board/not used to typing my feelings, so bare with me if I'm a little incoherent.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years; we are best friends, and I love him incredibly a lot. When we first started dating he was a heavy drinker, which did not bother me so much because I have an extremely high functioning alcoholic mother, which until recently had left me ambivalent to substance abuse problems unless they begin to "get in the way" of your day to day life. I know that's not a healthy opinion, but that's my context. My BF would drink everyday, could hold his liquor pretty well, but occasionally his drinking would lead to arguing, and I began to notice that he would get to the point in his drinking that his eyes would kindof gloss over and he'd get very emotional, and argumentative. He is an introvert and incredibly shy, and uses alcohol as a way to make him more comfortable in social situations. About 6 months after we started dating, he began making a big deal to me that he was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking. As I said, I know now that I had a warped view of substance abuse, and on top of that, have multiple family members who fall into the debilitating, life consuming alcoholism you imagine when you think of the streotype- so at first, I kindof doubted it. I just thought he needed to learn to control his drinking more. So, it was him that really convinced me that this was a problem, and I supported his choice 100%. But over time I noticed a pattern, and it's happened 4 times now over three years, that we've gotten into huge blow-out fights, almost entierly because he's drunk, where he'll say something to me which is totally devastating and damaging, and then in the morning has no memory of it and apologizes. I am a super sensitive person, and everytime it happens it breaks my heart a little bit, and I am sympathetic to him but am terrified of it happening again because of how that reflects on me, and my self respect.
SO, he has been sober on and off for long periods of time, the longest being 6 months. About a year ago he was able to quit his full time job and go on tour with a popular band and work as a musician, which is fantastic for him, but since then he's been unable to go on tour and maintain his sobriety. He's started to go to therapy, and desperatly wants to not drink, but everytime he goes on tour he ends up relapsing. And I've also noticed a new trend, which is that he tries to kindof blame his drinking on me, that because he "can't drink" at home he is triggered to drink, and that the guilt is a trigger. And I get that, and see that I maybe didn't react always in the "right way" after he relapses according to research I've done online. I'm an emotional, earth mother type, and I think my anxiety and fear he's going to do something to damage our relationship again makes me react in a way that makes him feel guilty. And It's true, my reaction to his drinking has changed 180 degrees, where at first I didn't really understand how damaging it was, now when he's away and texts me that he's drinking my heart sinks and It makes me feel horrible and terrified. And, the thing is...I almost don't even know if he is really an alcoholic, or if he just has emotional issues that are exascerbated by his drinking. His most recent relapse has lasted a week, drinking every night, and nothing bad has happened yet. We haven't fought, and he hasn't done anything stupid. But It still makes me feel really upset and confused. I want to help him but I feel like I never react in the right way. I guess I don't really know the point of this post, I just wanted to put it out there and see what wisdom you all could share with me. I appreciate you taking the time to read
In solidarity, Lady_NYC
-- Edited by Lady_NYC22 on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 09:32:37 PM
-- Edited by Lady_NYC22 on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 09:34:32 PM
Good morning Lady_NYC - glad you found us and glad you shared. Alcoholism is a powerful progressive disease that affects all aspects of life - thinking, feeling, developing, etc. It can never be cured but can be arrested through recovery. It's considered a family disease and it does suck in all who are touched, and we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and much more.
His recovery is his journey and hopefully he will get 'there'. However, you do qualify for Al-Anon, which is for family and friends of the A (Alcoholic or qualifier). In Al-Anon, I learned I did not cause this, I can't cure this and I can't control this. I learned more about the disease and how it has affected me. Lastly, I've learned tools and ways to manage my part of the disease and my reactions to the insanity it brings to my life.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend a few. We tend to focus on ourselves - how we feel, think, act, react - and not the qualifier. We learn that we are powerless over what they do/don't do and how they are. We learn to love ourselves and focus on what we can change/control - ourselves.
So very glad you are here - you are not alone! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Lady NYC. Welcome to the board.
I live with my husband who I have questioned his drinking and the severity of it for years. One of the most helpful things that Al Anon has taught me is that I didn't cause his drinking, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. I used to think if I just said or did something different that I could help him, or that he wouldn't drink, or that he wouldn't treat me badly when he drank. Now I realize that his drinking is his responsibility. His behavior is his responsibility. As much as I love and adore this man there is absolutely nothing I can do to get him sober or keep him sober. That is his path he has to walk on his own. Meanwhile the more I focus on his drinking the less I take care of myself. Face to Face meetings are very helpful. I would urge you to try a face to face meeting where you will meet other people who are dealing with a problem with someone else's drinking.
wishing you all the best.
The guilt, fear, and confusion of "did I do something wrong to deserve this?" -- I can totally relate to those feelings!! With my ex and my Dad, I lived in constant fear. I was always vigilantly watching them: their moods, their facial expressions, how much they ate that day, how much they drank. I would try to behave certain ways or say the exact "right" things so that I wouldn't cause them to "go crazy." It took me a long time and a lot of misery to finally come to the realization that I had zero control. Zero. There were no right words or actions that I could do that would stop the madness. Al Anon and other literature helped me see that I cannot control someone else -- and they cannot control me! We're each responsible for our own actions and feelings - it just depends on whether or not we recognize that fact.
Good luck, Lady NYC. I know for me, going to Al Anon meetings and reading the literature have helped me SO much in terms of coming to grips with the confused and upset feelings. Hopefully you can find a meeting near you that you like. Take care!
I just joined here tonight and have never gone to an Al Anon meeting. I posted and skimmed through some of the other posts including yours and COMPLETELY resonate with what you wrote. My dad was an alcoholic, my girlfriend is NORMALLY fine when drinking, and it doesn't cause any issues--until it does. And I completely love her. And I want her to stop because I worry and get so ridiculously anxious when she drinks or when I think she might be drinking.
Or even when I don't hear from her. And then, there's the anxiety that I feel when I want to say how I feel when she drinks. Because if I bring that up, I might upset her, right?
Anyways. I have no answers, just thought I'd chime in and say thank you for posting, I get it, and hopefully we both stop feeling s***y.
-- Edited by cricket21 on Wednesday 8th of June 2016 02:33:08 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 8th of June 2016 06:30:14 AM
Auryn and cricket21 - Welcome to MIP - glad to have you both join us.....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am new here too first time logging on. I can so relate to all these comments. I grew up in an alcoholic household and now live in one. My husband of 16 years has chosen his path of alcohol. I'm getting up the courage to find my own path and glad I found this group.
Welcome to MIP Brightdaysahead - so glad you found us and glad that you joined in! We always encourage members to look for local Al-Anon meetings....if you need help finding them, check google and/or your phone books! Keep coming back - there is hope and you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha and welcome to the new comers...you were directed here just trust in that information. We all were so that we could support and offer Experience Strength and Hope to others suffering from the affects of alcoholism in their lives. The answer to the title question might be nothing or it might be let me sit and listen and discover what is going on with me that I don't understand yet and then get help practicing solutions to my situation. "If you have an open mind...you will find help"...that is the very first promise I was given in the Al-Anon Family Groups and the very first miracle I received. Keep coming back to the family. ((((hugs))))
