The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a couple months since I have gone to a meeting. I had two years though, which felt good.
Perhaps I have issues with some of the meetings. While I find some constructive, others are not so. Being that my time is much limited and most meetings require a somewhat lengthy drive, I've found myself less inclined to go.
My former sponsor would tell me to read the literature. But I'll be honest, I isolate so much that reading literature feels like a cop out. Being in meetings is probably what I need more than anything. I realize some would disagree, but the take what you like and leave the rest part of the program gives me the impression I'm not "wrong" here. Wow... I even find myself becoming defensive, anticipating possible criticism. And even more wow, I feel myself over-explaining where it's really not necessary.
I understand that I cannot control anything or anyone but myself.
I do believe something out there, some more powerful entity, will ensure I'm ok.
And I know that when I truly believe the previous statement, I'm in a good place and can let it all go.
Over-working has been an issue for me. I find myself constantly working to make ends meet, unhappy with the rising cost of living (and that I do not have more time to work to make up for this), sometimes pitying myself because I've done so much and feel as though I have not gotten very far in my life (being a child of an alcoholic, coming out of that, serving the military, then finishing college and grad school).
More recently I've been frustrated with the lack of progress in my career, low pay, lack of a social and romantic life, and this sort of transitional place that I'm in where I know I'll be leaving the place I'm currently in, but have to wait for the stars to align before it happens.
And so there it is: I'm complaining. I'm too tired to think things through completely. Am unable to reach my emotions. After long periods of isolation in the course of the last 10 years, it turns out that I don't have many/any close friends. And the people that I've met in program, though I like many, have mostly not become my good friends. My former sponsor is probably one of my favorite people, but we all have lives and things to do, which often means meeting up isn't possible.
Tonight, as I laid down to go to sleep, a neighbor began thudding bass heavy music. Unfortunately there is no way to get to this neighbor's door, it was late, and so I did what I thought best and called the police hoping that they'd ask them to hush. But the police couldn't get to this neighbor's door either, leaving me stuck with thudding bass until after 11:30pm. My call to the police, I yelled at the operator on the phone told her that it was ridiculous that they couldn't do anything, that I had to be up at the crack of dawn for work, and now wouldn't be able to perform well at work as I'd be exhausted. The operator didn't car. I was so angry and frustrated that I was worried I'd give myself a stroke.
I've been feeling very angry recently. Frustrated with the unknown and unfair. Irritated with the rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless. Angry at the unethical and immoral. I could go on, but you get my drift: I've been on the fear slide and it just keeps going.
Anger= fear. What are my fears? These must be buried deep. Stability (employment-wise, home-wise, life-wise) is THE most important thing to me, having been raised in an alcoholic home. But needing a peaceful space, a home where I feel comfortable, able to relax, and secure is more important to me that anything else. This is not a regular occurrence where I live now. Sleep is frequently compromised, which makes me more irritable. My frustration is definitely rooted in a need for stability.
Perhaps there's nothing specific I'm seeking here. Maybe I just need to be heard. I don't know that there is any advice that could help. Commiserating is helpful. To know others have felt similarly in some respect. But if I were any of you, I'd probably suggest reading the literature or going to a meeting.
My best suggestion is keep going to your
face to face alanon meetings. To me thats
Where real change happens. It just takes
time and patience until you can find your
self Love, self acceptance and really get
steps 1,2 and 3. Steps 4-12 when you are
ready.
Its all a process, most of us come from
dysfunction And/ or the disease. I also go
to a drug and alcohol Therapist. She keeps
An eye on me, steers and corects me as
Needed and to a divorce support group.
I work many crazy hours also. Its a drain
On me and my mental and emotional state of
Mind. Things are definetely worse for me when
Overtired and overwhelmed. My stress, depression
And Trauma kick in. Its not a fun cycle.
Recovery is hard work. I feel like i live in an ongoing
Emotional bubble, or a hormonal teenager unsure Of
themselves. I am definetely feeling my feelings and
Emotions. I no longer stuff them down as i did. I have
Learned to process them in a healthy fashion and let
Them go. During my grieving i learned so much and
Let go with my HP help.
I have a very strong belief in my HP and he supports
Me and helps me along my road. One day i hope to
Wake up feeling normal again. I can make that happen
If i keep doing my self work and go to meetings. Giving
Back is a huge part of this program too.
Everything in this program works together, one thing
Begets another. It just takes time and willingness to
Change and grow. We are reparenting ourselves.
Hang in there, it is a process there is hope, keep reaching
Out to loving and supportive healthy people, join groups,
Go to church, get active.
Hi timepress. I just wanted to welcome you and identify with all that you confided and assure you that you are human and not alone.
Alanon realizes that we are all individuals and that each meeting is different, although they all support the basic principles of program.That is why it is suggested that you try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for you. I found my favorite meetings(slogan, step and tradition discussion meetings) and elected to attend them and leave the rest for others who seemed to benefit.
Attending meetings helped me to keep program tools and principles fresh in my mind. I do believe in the concept that one week without meetings makes one weak.
I also believe that meetings helped me to rebuild my life and find new friendships. I do not think I need to make a social life with meeting friends but that I can take what I learn out into the world and participate: such as by Joining bike clubs, hiking groups, birders etc .
You are not alone and there is hope. Keep coming back
Welcome to MIP timepress - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I applaud your ability to share where you are and how you feel - it's not always easy to admit that we're just not in a good place. It happens - for me, when I am looking at everything that is wrong and feel discontent, I have to realize it's the disease that has returned/raised up.
Small steps towards things for you that make you happy sound like a great start. Isolation makes us often not want to do social things, be social beings but practice helps ease the tension. I agree with the suggestion to return/keep going to meetings. I was told early on that if I am not getting what I need from meetings, perhaps I'm not showing up with an open mind and an open heart.
My sponsor has always suggested I need to look at things opposite of my chosen method. Instead of looking at what's not working, look at what is. So, I am grateful I can work, grateful I can drive, have a home, etc. Gratitude lists and asset lists are helpful for me when I am in a funk.
Please know you are not alone - keep coming back here!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It's been a struggle. It's been a number of small things adding up that don't seem to be a big deal at one time, but accumulated seem to really impact my psyche and well-being.
Feeling overwhelmed actually prevents me from going to meetings. Ultimately though, I need to go to one.
