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I am just two months in Al Anon (no sponser yet though). I am starting to renew and repair my relationship with my adult children--my qualifier is their step-dad. I'm not sure how much I should reveal about what has gone down--addiction, detox, relapse, etc. He is clean, but whether or not "in recovery" I don't know and he wants his addiction to be a secret from family. In some ways I feel held captive by his request, but I want to honor his wish for privacy on some level--I just don't know what AA and Al Anon suggests I do.
Hi ellenia Welcome, Alanon and AA are both Anonymous programs. This means that,who we see and what we hear is kept in confidence. Before a person enters AA their behavior speaks for itself when they are in a recovery program they are given the respect of anonymity.
I am happy you are repairing your relationships with your adult children. If they bring up the drinking, I would say that I understood and suggest that they join you at an alanon meeting. If they do not, you can keep the focus on yourself, your recovery, your newly redefined principles and keep an open mind.
Keep coming back You are worth it
Thank you Betty. So I when I talk about my own recovery, do I not mention anything specific about the behaviors I've dealt with and what I now do differently? Or do I just invite them to a meeting? Because in a meeting I always say "I'm Ellenla and my husband is an addict and an alcoholic" so they'd hear it then ... So you're saying I don't speak about it outside of meetings?
Hello and welcome to MIP! Glad you are here and glad you shared.
For me, this is where a sponsor was so helpful. She suggested I could chose to share I was in recovery or I could chose to share that I was making some improvements in my life. I could chose to what extent I told others about my recovery, or not as well as what made me want to change. So, with your children, if you've told them you are going to Al-Anon, you can invite them along. If you've not told them you are going to Al-Anon, you get to decide if you want to share that or not.
Some (who I feel I can trust) know I am in recovery. Others do not, they just know I've changed. Does this help you at all?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is up to you I am sure your partner's drinking is not a secret to the children. Alanon asks us to live my principles in order to rebuild our lives and self respect. If your partner has asked that his recovery be kept private, then it might be respectful to honor this.
In keeping with alanon principles of keeping the focus on ourselves, not justifying our behavior , by blaming anyone else, then defining your new awareness and new tools could be achieved without mentioning him.
Alanon also suggests that we examine our motives before taking action. This might also help you in deciding.
Yes and yes! These are such good replies. I do want (and need!) a sponser Iamhere, but I'm still a little shy about how to go about it. Like I said, only 2 months in Al Anon. ALhtough I read from a daily reader and just ordered How Al Anon Works. I have only just found what I consider my 'home group'. I am open about going to Al Anon with my kids and a close friend. It's the 'back story' that I don't know how to handle. Yes, Betty, I do want to respect my husband. But sometimes I feel like explaining the chaos of the past few years would explain a lot of my behavior, too. I was pretty sick myself :(
The way I have dealt with it is to consider it "private but not secret." My A would of course like alcoholism never to be mentioned at all - the big elephant in the room, the denial that is a part of alcoholism. In some situations that shades over to deception and enabling. But I also don't advertise it out on the street. For close family members, I personally don't keep it a secret. So if they say, "Why didn't A come to the ball game? I thought he was supposed to come," I might say, "A's been doing some heavy drinking, when I saw him before the ball game he wasn't in a shape to come." But I wouldn't say that to a casual acquaintance. If the family already knows about the drinking, and is worried about whether he's relapsed, I personally would always be straight. "Well, sadly, looks to me like the signs are there." I wouldn't want them to make a decision about riding in a car he was driving or entrusting something to him that would be risky. But I also wouldn't get into a complaint-fest about it, just mention it sadly and calmly and then move on. But every situation is different.
I applaud you for finding a home group and getting to the meetings! Finding a sponsor can be stressful - I put way to much mind-energy into it.....I ended up asking the first person I liked (what they had and what they shared) after watching a long, long while. So - trust your heart and trust your gut - you'll get one and it's so nice once you begin to work with them....there are no stupid questions and typically mutual respect. A blessing for my program.
I am one who has to watch my motives. I do not ever discuss my qualifier(s) actions, where-abouts, etc. It is not my business to share about them, their disease and/or their location. I tend to just suggest they did not want to come. I don't make excuses and I don't offer much and if pressed, I have no issue in suggesting they call/contact/ask for themselves when they get a chance.
I mention motives - the only time(s) I have wanted to share my backstory and/or my qualifer's status was to justify my own actions/reactions. I truly believe in living in the day, and anybody who knows me knows I've been distracted, sad, mad, annoyed, crazy, etc. It's not their business (if they truly care) why that was. What matters is what is and how I am now. I would never suggest my qualifier(s) were drunk or drinking or stoned or ??? - I might and have suggested they are sick, because this is a disease and that is an honest answer.
I have never been a huge gossip nor do I like to talk about others when they aren't present. I changed many of those behaviors way before coming to the program. I did spend more time than I care to admit blaming my qualifier(s) for my mental state and people don't want to hear that/it. For me and my program, there is nothing to be gained by giving status updates on those I love. If family/friends truly want to know, they are adults and can inquire in lieu of me. This just helps me keep my side of the street clean!
Keep coming back and keep asking questions. Ultimately, the greatest gift of the program is the self-respect we get back so we can decide who we share with at what level. Yes and No are complete sentences that I use often.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere, that is just so wise. That's one reason I kept coming back to Alanon. I just want so badly the wisdom of the Alanons I hear at meetings. I feel like I can see the possibility ahead of me, but I don't yet have all the understanding/wisdom I want to exhibit. I guess it's baby steps, but I sure wish I knew better what to do and how to act.
Ellen - I only know what I know because others were gracious enough to share with me and lead me. I was one who over-talked and over-shared - especially when I was anxious and/or full of fear. Having just a few close people to 'vent' with gave me the ability to 'let go' of so much. I also have been caught up in extended drama over over-sharing and it's almost as painful as living with this disease!
So, it's progress not perfection. I was taught to stop before speaking to decide what to say, if anything. This program has been so giving to me of my power back and my ability to sometimes just say nothing. I was not that way before...
Just keep looking towards the program - the steps, the literature and the shares at meetings. Once we begin to feel better, we are inspired to keep that feeling going. One of my very first boundaries was to avoid 'drama' at all cost. If I am anywhere, and someone begins to talk about another, good or bad, I tend to excuse myself and walk away. I am just no longer wanting or needing that in my life.
So - keep coming back! Be willing to chose you and your recovery over everything else. You will find peace and serenity...it works if you work it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Why do you talk about your recovery with your kids? I never talked about it. I lived it, but I didn't talk it. My kids know I go to meetings. I would say, "gotta go. I have a meeting." But I never said and they never asked what the meetings were about.
As far as keeping your hubby's secret? I had a hard time with that too. Oh, I kept a secret really good!! Our best friends didn't know/still don't know anything.....we didn't have many best friends, but there were a few that we met when he very tightly regulated his intake for a few hours. After I got into AlAnon I had a question every time I went to meetings....how can I have a shared history with him and I'm supposed to be honest but not talk about half of our shared history. I learned I talk about it at meetings (if I know everyone at the meeting) or with special friends from the AlAnon program.
AlAnon is a program of honesty. We are very honest when we do our fourth step and we learn who we are. Your hubby isn't really asking you to lie about him. It is easier to think of it as simply NOT TALKING about him at all. I would never say he was sick because he used that excuse all the time. He either had "the flu" or "food poisoning".
Mattie talks about the denial of alcoholism and the elephant in the room. It DOES get real close to enabling when we won't acknowledge reality and honesty. I also like to think of it as being private as opposed to secret. If someone asks me a question about him I will always say, "why don't you call him. I don't know the answer." They ask why isn't he here... why does he do this or that... why, where, when...... I would love it if they really would call him and ask him the questions instead of me. But I don't like talking about people and gossiping. I don't like stealing their story and taking the excitement out of letting them tell their own story.
Every meeting I've ever gone to gave me away when I entered the room. I was there for a reason and that was to get help and it was understood from the start that my problem was that I was in a relationship with a friend, family member, loved one who was addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. I didn't have to mention it or her or them to anyone...the room knew from the start. My qualifiers were never the reason I was so insane...that was a consequence of my choices more than theirs. I love the thread and the responses. Thanks.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundations of all of our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
Maryjane, Jerry, Iamhere, Deb, Mattie: THANK YOU! All such good advice. I think I focus on MY recovery; don't keep a "secret", but direct others to ask HIM if they have questions. And that's why I go to meetings, after all--so I'm with others who DO understand and I can share in there. My kids will probe, I'm guessing, Maryjane, because I've pretty much cut myself off from them over the past few years (remeber, he's their step dad) WHen I wasn't in the program, I didn't know what to say, I was just holding myself together--barely, and I couldn't stand the questions, accusations, hints that I leave him, etc. I get the living it, but I have no problem answering questions about my recovery should they ask.
There has been so much great sharing around this post. A woman in my f2f group said she gets a lot of questions about her husband's absence from events or his progress in recovery. She directs those people to ask him. She says it really nicely "you will have to ask him about that". I thought that was great. I like the idea of looking at it as private but not a secret. Thanks for the post and the replies I really learned a lot.
