The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My H got back from rehab about a month ago and had been doing wonderfully- he was going to an outpatient program a few nights a week, AA the other nights, was being really open/honest with me, and really seemed like the best version of himself that I've ever seen. I had been living in a subletted apartment, but even "moved back" with him a couple weeks ago because to my surprise, I was actually missing him! Then, a couple weeks later he relapsed and did his typical thing- lied to me, got angry, physical, mean, etc... I immediately moved back to my apartment absolutely devastated. He now says he is back to being committed to sobriety and will continue working on his recovery, but I am really torn as to whether to continue working with him on our relationship. On the one hand, when he's sober, he's an amazing man and makes me so happy. On the other hand, when he drinks (and I know no matter now long he stays sober, there's always the chance he will drink again), he is awful. I'm in my early 30s and want to have kids, but I don't know if he can be a good, sober father. This has been going on for awhile now and I'm exhausted (sidenote- I have been seeing my own therapist, and am planning to start attending an al-anon meeting this weekend).
So, I'm generally wondering whether anyone has stayed in a marriage where their spouse has relapsed once or more after rehab and found that not only has their marriage survived, but they were able to thrive in it, have kids, be happy together, etc...?
The best thing you can do to prepare for whatever is ahead is to start meetings - so glad you have one coming. If that one doesn't seem like a god fit, try others, because they're all different.
I am sure there have been cases where people relapsed after rehab, and went on to achieve sobriety. There are so many alcoholics in the world that almost anything will have happened sometime. The statistics are that 15-25% of those who start recovery programs go on to be sober longterm. I just mention that because I wish someone had told me that earlier on. I thought that he went to rehab and boom, everything was hunky-dory. But different people are different, so the statistics don't say anything about one particular case.
But you have plenty of time to see if his sobriety takes hold and lasts. After rehab the first year or two years of sobriety are typically rough. The alcoholic has to do everything to put his sobriety first. And he has to live with all the new emotions the alcohol had been dulling. So he is likely to be emotional, grouchy, withdrawn, etc. Not at all to say that you should put up with those. Just that sometimes it is easier for both if you do have some distance while the sobriety happens or doesn't happen. If he is still sober at the end of a year or two years, you can consider whether you want to let him back into your life. Meanwhile, of course, you wouldn't have a partner "on call," as it were. But you wouldn't have that even if you were living together. Alcoholics aren't reliable close partners, and newly sober alcoholics aren't reliable close partners.
I am also worried by the fact that he got physical with you during this last episode. Anything that is not safe - well, your safety is the absolute top priority.
I think you are wise not to want to have children with a drinking alcoholic. And until he has been sober for 1-2 years, he is still effectively a drinking alcoholic. I also knew an alcoholic with 18 years of recovery who went out and went right back to it and ruined his life. So it is always a risk, even down the line. You are very wise to be cautious. You have time to wait. As the saying is, "More will be revealed." Meanwhile, time spent on your own recovery and good emotional health will be incredibly valuable, no matter what happens.
Kaim,
I have been in Al-Anon for about 10 months now and it has helped me live more peacefully with my AH. He is not in recovery right now, he is an active drinker. Before Al-Anon, I was ready to leave with a brand new baby on my hip. I was thinking about the future and not liking how it was looking. I felt like I had to end it, and get away with my son, away from the chaos and the pain. The past 10 months have helped me relax a bit, nothing in my house (as far as my AH's behavior) has changed (I bet he's probably a little bit worse than he was) but I don't feel as out of control, sad, angry and lost as I once did. I am really glad I didn't make a big life choice like divorce when I was in that state of mind. It was a really unhealthy place. I have also learned that looking ahead into my future and trying to predict what will happen or how he will be when my son is 5, 10, 15 years old, is pointless. I cannot control it and I cannot predict the future, so even though it's very hard, I try to not think beyond today. All I was doing by thinking so far ahead was upsetting myself with situations that I fabricated in my own mind. It was like self-punishment, so I work hard to just live in the moment now. Sometimes I am successful, and sometimes I struggle.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time, your safety is #1 priority, do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Know that you are not alone. This message board, al-anon meeting and reading as much as I can about this disease has helped me a ton.
kaim011 - Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you had the courage to share and join us.
I met and married my AH in AA (I am a double winner). We both had 6+ years of sobriety when we married, and we had dated for a couple years. We talked openly and honestly about everything and I truly found a great man. We married, got pregnant quickly (not planned, but not prevented) and had our first child within our first year. We had our second child almost 2 years later.
At some point between the birth of our boys, he relapsed. I knew it deep down, but he lied and I stayed in denial for a long, long, long time. I finally caught him red-handed (he traveled for his job often) so he could no longer lie to me. He had made a decision to drink again and has been practicing controlled drinking/sneaking drinking for almost 20 years.
I considered leaving and opted to stay for the boys and a ton of other reasons. Fast forward to teen-age years, both of my boys began experimenting with mind-altering substances, and both have addiction issues. One is in recovery, one is not. When I began to suspect and then confirmed what was going on, I was beyond devastated. I had come to accept that I could not change my husband, a grown man but these were my babies.
So - for 10 years, I've been battling the disease within my child(ren). We are all forever changed and only God knows what our story will be. I found Al-Anon along the way because my sponsor - who happened to also be a counselor - suggested it and then strongly recommended it. I was so lost, so broken and more destroyed than I can put words to.
To your question - I stayed married as I was too afraid to raise these boys on my own. I stayed married because in spite of the disease, he was my husband. Am I happy? Yes. Am I happy with him? Some days are better than others. I am happy because I learned in this program to put 'me' first. Not my husband, not my children, not the disease or the demands of life, but me. I wake each day and choose to enjoy life and search for peace and happiness in spite of what anyone else is doing or is not doing.
This program gave me back me. There have been relapses, drama, chaos, sadness, and more. But there has also been new friendships, joy, laughter, happiness, self-care and a spiritual relationship I never thought possible. There are no guarantees in this life that we will grow up, find love, have it last forever and be happy. We have to make our own joy and realize that it's an inside job, with help from a power greater than ourselves!
Keep coming back and know that we're all just a post away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I relate so much to your questions. I wanted answers and guarantees, especially because I wanted children in the future and didn't know if I should leave my AH so I could pursue that dream elsewhere. I ended up staying with him through rehab, outpatient, three and a half years of recovery, and now two relapses. We have a son together and a baby on the way.
There are absolutely no guarantees in this life but I do not regret my decision to stay with him or have children with him. However, in my situation there is no violence and I think it's important you put your safety first and foremost. My AH and I separated for a brief period and I'm glad we did because it gave me time to work on my program of recovery and seek a relationship with a higher power.
I have found in alanon that there can be happiness and peace whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. My AH Is my best friend in the world. When he's sober and working a program hes wonderful to be around. When he's not, it's best we take space. But just for today I choose to stay married to him, and since he's sober, living with him. I'll always love him and be his best friend, I'll always hold the hope for him even if he relapses again. I do put myself and my children first priority, though. It's best were not with him if he's active.
Hope you enjoy your f2f alanon meeting. Keep posting!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I just want to add another perspective. Am I happy that my child has an alcoholic father? A million times no. I would not wish an alcoholic parent on any child. Having your child see his father passed out, peeing his pants, or lying in his own vomit - what a terrible thing for a child. One of my friends who has an alcoholic parent said to me in amazement, "You mean when you were growing up your dad never passed out at the table at all?" That's how distorted their perspectives get. And the kids see drinking as a model of how to cope with life's difficulties, sadly. Add that to the fact that they may well have inherited the genes that make them vulnerable to alcoholism...
I heard it once said that when you think of marrying someone, you should ask, "Would I want a child who is just like this man?" Not the man as he might be, but as he is now.
My experience of having an alcoholic husband is also that I was essentially a single parent. I had to do everything to keep him from endangering our child - driving drunk and worse. He loves our child but has no sense of responsibility or danger. Eventually we did split up, when the danger got too much. It was only by a miracle that our child survived unhurt. But my A is too far gone to pay child support. Those are the ugly truths of my experience.
