The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, everyone! I'm new to this chat site but not to AlAnon--have been a grateful member for 3+ years and am happy to be here. Because of where I live, it has been hard to get to meetings, but I miss my AlAnon community and support and am so thankful for this venue.
I'm writing today because I need help dealing with my alcoholic fiancé's selfishness. The background: we have been together almost four years, engaged almost a year. We have been separated, living in different cities, since last September; we were going to move together then and he was drinking so he broke that commitment. I needed to return to my support and professional community in the city where I now live--the one he was supposed to move to with me--so, on the advice of my counselors and higher power, I went ahead and moved. Since then, my alcoholic has been to inpatient rehab twice, gotten a DUI, gotten kicked out of outpatient for drinking, and currently is in the middle of relapse--again.
He works hard. He is seeing counselors for PTSD (childhood & adulthood stuff) and has a Sponsor. He says he is going to meetings. But he is still drinking.
He wants to reunite after his next upcoming inpatient treatment, next month. I have told him I will not live with an active alcoholic so he is not to come to me if he is using, and I'm not going to him.
I have been as supportive as I can be: traveling to see him in rehab, doing inpatient and outpatient family counseling, paying for rehab (everything his insurance won't cover). I stopped lending him money when I could no longer do so with a clear conscience. I have been paying rent on the house in which he lives and drinks--no more of that. I have adhered to our counselors' advice not to text him with emotional issues; schedule calls during times when we're not hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I have done everything I can to keep the relationship alive while being respectful to myself and to him.
I'm frustrated right now not only by the situation, which is ongoing and harrowing, but by the smaller things indicative of his bigger addict selfishness. I am living alone in extremely hazardous weather conditions, which is challenging, struggling to keep afloat. He doesn't reference this when we talk, and when I bring it up to tell him what my day was like--just descriptively, not in any guilt-inducing way--he says it triggers him and he has to go use to "self-medicate his anxiety." (I know, typical addict bull.) He has sent me nothing for my birthday, Christmas, or Valentine's Day. Yet he has money to buy booze. I sent him a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day and we Skyped and he was thrilled and happy, yet he said he used that night because he was so "anxious" about our conversation--all appearances to the contrary.
I know I am dealing with an addict, not the person. I hear the double-tongued snake talk in his mouth and in texts. I have tried to detach, and I am detaching, but the problem for me is, with detachment long distance, there's nothing left. Just me, cabin fever, and my beehive-in-the-head emotions.
I've been doing my readings, talking to family & friends, self-caring as much as I can, counting my gratitudes--which are plentiful--and enjoying the company of my dog. :) What else can I do? Help!
It has helped already to write all this--helps me from venting it at the alcoholic--so thank you for listening.
(Though here is another thing I am having trouble with today: the way this system is set up--he does something awful, I vent to others but never to him because he's sick, etc--it's really unfair. I feel like he has a Get Out Of Jail card to do whatever he wants because he is a poor, poor, sick alcoholic, whereas we bear the brunt of it and have to turn to each other! I'm really annoyed by this--today.)
You can let yourself out any time also. You have choices. It may help to remember that his free passes really aren't that free. He's putting your relationship in jeopardy and he is suffering for his choices...It isn't fun to be a self centered addict.
I was married to the King A for a very long time and I learned that we were both trying to take the best care of him possible and sadly no one was trying to take good care of me. When I found al-anon, I quickly found my sponsor and worked the steps which helped me realize some of the issues within I needed to face and take a good look within. I now see I am worthy of love and appreciation from myself as well as others. I am now my own best friend and taking better care of me than ever. I no longer put up with anyone who takes from me without contributing to the relationship. I do deserve a man that is not only healthy, but will have the time and energy to pour into me the way I do with him. Doing the work on myself has allowed me to see what I deserve and to put boundaries in place with those who are unable to do so. I used to deal with a lot of unacceptable behavior and oversights and now I do not and life is much happier for me. I am glad you are here at MIP and keep up the al-anon journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 16th of February 2015 02:18:30 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It doesnt sound like you owe him anything! Just start your own
Life without him and keep working on you to get totally emotionally
Healthy. It is better to be single without having addict in your life.
My ah has been dry for 30 years but he is still an addict in thought and
Behaviors and it has progressed. He has attended AA for the last three
Years but is not still emotionally sober. We are now getting a divorce.
When i get into a new relationship it will be 2-3 years away and He will
not be another addict of any kind!
Dear BreakingFree: Thank you so much--this is super-helpful. I'll remember what you said about wanting somebody who not only is healthy but puts equal time and energy into the relationship--and me--as I do him. It's not an overnight decision but it so helps to hear my thoughts echoed and get good advice! I'm glad you found your sponsor and group. Thanks for the welcome, too! x
-- Edited by tornadoj on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 11:50:57 AM
Dear Mirandac: Thank you--this is very supportive and helpful! I have to work on that being-single-is-better-than-being-with-addict thing. I have always feared begin alone (despite years of living on my own pre-addict--which is probably why I got phobic about it) and have to cast away from broken records, what my therapist calls "false beliefs." It's helpful to hear from others what they think about their futures! Good luck to you--divorce is often tough even when it paves the way to better things (I've been there--and I never regretted it!). x
-- Edited by tornadoj on Tuesday 17th of February 2015 11:51:39 AM
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