Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Jaclyn · Senior Member

RE: Please Help...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

We are powerless over people, places and things however we are not helpless. By working on changing our attitudes, new Avenues open up and we are set free.HP is not limited by our limitations

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Do you mind elaborating on that, hotrod (or anyone)? I feel terrifyingly limited by my current health circumstances.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was at my lowest point, a couple of years ago, I wasn't limited by physical illness exactly but I was in a pretty dark place crippled by depression and a kind of agorophobia...I would go weeks at a time without leaving my home or often even going outside. So I can relate somewhat as it was at the time more or less impossible to attend meetings face to face- I could barely force myself to put on clothes and go to the front gate to collect my mail! i realise you are limited in a different way most likely but the principal is the same, as much as i knew it would be good for me to get out of the house and go to meetings at that time I just could not.

At that time I still lived with my abf, and he was a raging mess. He had attacked me and hurt me in a violent drunken rage twice within a matter of weeks (yes the police were called) and I was in absolute turmoil, knowing I should never see him again, miserable because I was still in love with sober him, anyway all of this to say I felt trapped in my home, trapped by the rolleroaster of loving someone who loved me more than anything one moment and was screaming insults and hitting me the next.

But, I had to do something, right? So, I started working al-anon online, knowing it wasn't ideal but also knowing it was better than doing nothing. Have you looked at the step-work board here? It's a good starting place for becoming familiar with the steps and starting to think about them. i read "getting them sober' by Toby Rice Drews which was a game-changer for me, and i got other al-anon books such as the daily readers and some other books such as some of Melodie Beaties books, and i had a routine that involved spending about an hour a day actively working through al-anon type exercises, and i availed myself of the online meetings here for a while, and I reminded myself to 'do the next right thing" and nothing more (a really great way to tackle "impossible" situations, and i talked to my HP and practiced my program and as i began to feel better i started wanting to go and meet live people and go to meetings and I found ways to do so; the universe seemed to suddenly become very helpful and accomodating once i began to really put in work and effort to change my negative self defeating attitudes and live in the moment and with hope and maybe courage I guess? Whether my luck actually got better or i just began seeing opportunities for what they were I don't know but, things got easier, like I didn't know a single one of the other parents at my daughter's school and one night i prayed (in a fashion, i'm not religious) that i find a way to make some human contacts or even friends and the very next morning 2 mothers from daughter's class called me to offer me a ride to an upcoming school event and they both became lovely friends that I am very grateful for...it's these kinds of things that begin to happen when we start working the program openly and willingly and I believe that is what betty was getting at with her recent comment " By working on changing our attitudes, new Avenues open up and we are set free.HP is not limited by our limitations " (sorry to answer for you Betty )

Anyway that was the beginning of a long journey for me, and an amazing one. Since then I've become a much happier person, i have a life outside the house and some work, i've returned to full time study and will have my degree in the not to distant future, I go to live meetings and I firmly believe that all of this became possible because i made the decision, housebound or not, to start working this program for all it was worth.

You will hear many people say 'it works if you work it" and that's just exactly true.

So, give it a go...you deserve to be happy!
As to being unsettled or hurt by your A's contrary crazy nonsense, well, I found that the more i worked on my own serenity the less his nonsense affected me and i started to understand that it was just his own misery and frustration with himself he was venting and not to do with me much at all. It ceased upsetting me and we no longer live together now but he's been visiting and working at mending his ways for over a year now and i have to say we are actually more solid now than we ever were when we lived together. The book I mentioned, 'getting Them Sober" helped a lot with that.

Anyway sorry to write you a novel about it, lol. Hope something in there is helpful to you

-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 26th of January 2016 02:19:57 PM

Jaclyn · Senior Member

MissMeliss - Thank you SO much for your reply. It feels really nice to be (at least somewhat) understood by another. I will head your advice and try to throw myself into Al Anon in all the ways that I can, while I'm ill. I'm so glad to hear how well you're doing - and thank you so very much, again, for reaching out. Jaclyn

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Anyone else on here been debilitatingly ill for an extended period of time (while dealing with A or grief from A)? How do you have faith in a HP that has taken away your ability to function? Really struggling.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Hi Jaclyn, I'm so sorry you are in this awful rut right now. I can relate as I was so grief stricken over my AH wanting to abandon his family at the worst possible time ever that I had to take a 2 month leave of absence from work. I really had no desire to get myself out of bed. I have two children, teens who are still in school, so I forced myself to at least get their lunches together and get them off to school each day. But it took all my energy just doing that and as soon as they left out the door I would retreat to the couch in front of the TV. The only thing that made me feel better was watching Sex and the City marathons lol.

My AH went to an inpatient facility for 2 weeks to help him quit drinking. Before he left for rehab his family purchased a plane ticket for him to leave on a month long trip to Montana to supposedly dry out. I wasn't buying it. I took it as him walking out on us after all I did to keep us together. It was like someone ripped my heart out. I was so used to taking care of everyone and now there was no one to take care of me--except me.

That all happened last summer. AH never ended up leaving for the trip and he's in a recovery program now (AA). I did go back to work and I found this AlAnon program that I believe has made me stronger. I never want to let anyone break my soul like that again.

Just wanted you to know that I have been in that place where you are and the struggle is real. You may not believe it now but things will get better for you. If you can't get outside to a therapist (I had a great one) then keep talking to everyone here. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thanks for your response, yankeerose. I am feeling particularly hopeless tonight... Like if there is a higher power, he hates me. Why would he give me this illness that doctors cannot identify nor treat? Really need help/support.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Just remember that tomorrow is another day--a gift actually--and you never know what's around the corner. I always tell myself that better days are coming.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Yankeerose - I hope you're right. I don't know how to go on being physically unable to function (with the added burden of grieving my ex A fiancÃ©). Is it time to start a new thread? Feel like I may have gotten lost :-/

Yankeerose · Senior Member

You can start a new thread anytime you like I believe. That is the beauty of this forum. There is so much support and ESH here. Even if people aren't supposed to give direct advice, I find it helps just to hear that others have the same issues and share what works for them. Hang in there.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Physical issues aside for a moment (although they are, of course, daunting and ever present at this time) - I am freaking out emotionally. Friday night I got a call from my ex fiancÃ©. He said he wasn't drunk and he didn't sound it. He went on for an hour about how much he loved me, missed everything about me, and how sorry he was that he wasn't equipped to handle my being ill and debilitated at the moment (the reason he bailed this time). Although it changed nothing, I was so happy to hear from the Jekyll side of him - the man I fell in love with. Fast forward to tonight where he calls to tell me he meant every word of what he said BUT he is seeing someone and it isn't fair to her to be speaking with me. He wants to talk about what isn't fair? I will try not to fly off the handle here, bc it exacerbates my physical symptoms - but what the hell. I was flabbergasted and just said I was really sad about what he was telling me, and that I wish he'd focus on himself. He said without me there, he needs someone to "stabilize" him - whatever that f***ing means. After he said that, I was already crying so hard that I just said goodbye and hung up. I am so hurt how easily he can just put me aside - not just in reality, but from his heart. Support and ESH very much needed (please keep in mind my current medical state though). Broken-hearted (again), Jaclyn

Yankeerose · Senior Member

My heart goes out to you Jaclyn. I have had my heart broken more times than I care to remember and it truly sucks. Just remember this pain won't last forever. It sounds to me like your ex found someone to enable him not necessarily stabilize him. And if he thinks it unfair to her that he speaks to you I'm wondering why he is calling you. Alcoholic insanity at its finest. I would try not to play into it again. You did well by hanging up. Whenever I was crying over a broken relationship l would always hear my mother say "there's other fish in the sea." Not what I wanted to hear at the time but it's true. (((Hugs)))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Yankeerose - Again, thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. It seems like the rest of the community here is tired of me :( I appreciate you sticking with me, more than I can express. Jaclyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to assume that the kind and loving A was the "real" A and the drunken and abusive A was the "crazy" A. But in truth I think they were both the crazy A - he didn't have enough stability to be anything for very long, except for unstable. I just wanted so much to believe the kind and loving A. But alcoholics do what alcoholics do - they drink and let us down. It's like porcupines are prickly and skunks are smelly - alcoholics drink and let us down. It's so easy to get sucked in by their good side, by the times when they pay us attention. But they simply don't have it in them to keep on paying us attention in any kind of healthy way.

I'm also seeing your ex doing the "unavailability" thing that they do so well. They rarely stay with just one person because that's too intense and requires too much healthy behavior. Often they're with person A, but slipping off to be with Person B. Or they leave for person B, but then get back in touch with person A. Or tell person A that person B doesn't want them to have contact. (But then why are they doing it?) And no matter how many women are or aren't in the picture, there is alcohol in the picture, which always makes them effectively unavailable.

The real question is why we put up with it for even one minute, not even to say yearning after them and feeling sad that we can't have their sorry selves. In my case it was because being half-rejected felt incredibly familiar to me. And I kept thinking I'd "win" and get everything I wanted at last. But I too felt more comfortable when there was some unavailability, as much as I was also hurt by it. How do I know I felt comfortable? Because I put up with it.

I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Mattie - OMG your post in so insightful, relative, and appropriate for my specific circumstance. All of it, but specifically the thinking he is the part only and the unavailability bit. I didn't know that the unavailability, and behavior surrounding it, was a common trait.Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Having a particularly awful day, physical illness-wise - and your post is just one good thing to hold onto. To the community - thank you for including me, and know how much your posts mean to me... Especially now. Thank you, Jaclyn

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Hi All, As I've mentioned, my current health is not good - and requires my full attention. More than ever, all of my energy must be spent caring for myself. The problem? My mind is so dead set on focusing on my ex A fiancÃ©. I actively tell myself - no - there is nothing you can do about that situation, especially right now... But it isn't really working. Has anyone had a similar experience? I'd really appreciate thoughts on this. Thank you.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Seriously?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

As I've said, I had to really actively engage in exercises and create a routine that helped me. Meetings, online if not in person help, finding enjoyable ways to engage other people, and also in whatever way your health permits, taking time to care about others in small ways (sounds contrary I know but I don't mean enabling, I mean little things like for me it began with taking time to talk to people that I had been avoiding like my family and well meaning friends, responding to people here, taking time to listen to others, and trying to do some kind things for other people instead of always giving all I had to my A and nothing to myself OR anyone else). These are things that helped me to get out of my own head but no-one can know what will work for you exactly other than you.
I do know that whenever I isolate myself for any extended period of time I slip back into unhealthy thinking and feeling and I also miss HIM disproportionately and then put up with more nonsense when i do see him leading me to believe that isolation is my single worst enemy. Could be the same for you?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Jaclyn - I am not responding as I have no experience with your situation. I have never been so physically sick that I could not attend meetings, pick up the phone, etc. So - it's possible that you're not getting feedback as your posts suggest you don't have a ton of options that we can relate to.

It is (for me) the help of meetings, steps, and a great sponsor that I was able to stop obsessing over others and focus on me. Are you attending online meetings? Are you reading literature? Even if you are home-bound, these are things you can/could do maybe? Have you gone to the Step Board? You can work the steps there (top right).

I don't know if any of this will help but it's through action that we recover. I was told if I wanted to get better, I had to take actions to get there. It was suggested to me to change EVERYTHING possible to shift my thinking/processing. So, if you normally get up on the left side of the bed, get up on the right side. If you normally drink coffee and then shower, flip flop those. Anything you do differently consciously will help break the cycle of stinking thinking that we fall into when we are new in recovery or slipping in our recovery.

HTH!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

iamhere - I really REALLY appreciate your response. I am listening to the primary Al Anon book via audiobook, but haven't attended the online meetings. I tried to attend one a few nights ago - but either it didn't work, or I couldn't find the proper place. How do you suggest I work the steps, alone? I am open to that but thought it went against the principles of the program. I also think the idea of changing even small things (coffee/shower, etc) is interesting and something I will definitely try. I am glad that not many can relate to my health predicament - but hope that members can see that the emotional side is in desperate need of support, as well. Thanks again for your response, Jaclyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn, if you feel that you'd like more support and responses on these boards, one thing I might suggest, if you don't mind, is starting a new thread with each particular concern. (I don't mean ten a day, of course, I mean every day or two or whatever.) I know I often don't stop in at the end of multi-page threads because I figure to know what's going on, I'd have to read through pages of comments, and I'd probably lose track, and so if I posted something, I'd post something repetitive or dumb. So I get daunted by the big multi-page threads and often tend not to read them. Could be that others have the same tendency? So starting a new thread might encourage more people who feel like me. Hope that is helpful. smile

goodmorningsunshine66 · Member

Jaclyn, I can hear how much you love him. I can almost feel your pain in your words. I am new so I don't have many words of wisdom from a al-anon perspective. And what I'm going to say may not "fit" with the "program". I wrote the post recently asking about kinds of alcoholics. I say this knowing you don't want to hear it but this is what I would do in your shoes if I knew before what I know now: Run. Run like the wind and don't look back. Thank God you have no children with him. You don't need this sh#t in your life. As awesome as he is and however much you love him, the disease/alcohol abuse/drugging is a deal breaker. He is worthy of love and recovery, yes. We all are. But let the professionals handle it. Don't sacrifice your happiness for him. God forbid you find yourself in my shoes, facing the prospect of being forced to leave your precious children in the care of someone who, however much he loves them, still endangers them. I fear for their safety and yes, even their lives. Go get yourself on Pinterest and spend as much time as you need to pin every meme you can find that reminds you that you are stronger than this pain, you deserve better, you will find better and you will NOT stay in an unhealthy relationship, with him or ANYONE, no matter how much you love him. Being alone, even if you miss him every day of your life, is FAR superior to being with someone who can't love you back in a heathy way. You, me, we all deserve healthy love. Mourn the death of your dreams with this man, even if it takes years. But don't go back to them or him. Hold out for healthy. You and your future children deserve it.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn - the Step work board is a 'better than nothing' effort - I actually have worked the steps with a sponsor before and go through it for 'maintenance' type purposes.

You would not be alone, others are joining in and writing about the step that Betty (hotrod) posts so it is worth a look if you are stuck at home.

For the online meetings, there are times when no chair person shows up. Also, often the evening meeting doesn't start straight up @ 9EST (8CST). So - if you sign into the room, and nobody is there at meeting time, just hold tight and someone should pop in/on/up. It's not perfect, but it's a great way to start your day and end your day if you are home-bound.

I've been unable to attend for the last week-10 days due to family issues. Hopefully I will be able to join again soon! The morning meeting is almost always a 'go'!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene