Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

4myboys · Veteran Member

RE: Please Help...

karma13 · Senior Member

Hugs;) in support ;) Good esh here. You are valuable and deserve more. Affirmations help..I love and accept myself... I deserve the best in my relationships...I am valuable and I treat myself with value...I love and approve of myself. Anything positive that you can think to say to yourself..positive self talk.. I agree with pinkchip, there are many other fish in the sea, and ones that would treat you well, believe that you are worth the best and you will begin to attract the best to yourself. Much love

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thank you so much everyone... You're responses are the only things keeping me afloat. And by afloat, I mean not reaching out to him. Means a lot to me.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

I texted him. He responded with a "please don't make this harder" type message... I cracked and I'm so mad at myself on top of the hurt of him staying buried in his disease, hating me.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn do you have a drug and alcohol therapist to talk to?

I have been to a few therapists they help you by validating
You as a person. Telling you it is not you but what areas you
Need to work on. Most will steer you toward alanon also if its
drug And alcohol related problems, like codependency.

FTF Alanon is for really changing and growing but you meed to
Be willing to. You need to want to face yourself. I know its
Hard but keep showing up to your meetings for you. Hopefully
When you are emotionally healthy you will meet someone else
that Is the same and you can have a healthy relationship.

What i was told was God is doing for me what i couldnt do for
Myself. I hope to some day meet someone else and have a
Good relationship but it will be a few years down the road
When i am totally healthy and ready.

karma13 · Senior Member

Be gentle with yourself ;) it takes time to change, that's why we use the slogan progress not perfection. You went quite a while without contacting him, so why not celebrate that instead? You can start your day over right now, aim for no contact. I have been in the program for almost five years and I still have days where I feel more fearful and insecure. My sponsor always tells me I am ok exactly where I am at on this journey. Hugs n support ;) I understand the pain of loving someone that cannot love you back, it hurts, at times it has been unbearable for me. What I know now, that I didn't know then, is it has nothing to do with me, they are simply unable to. It's not personal.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to this thread because its exactly how it was for me at the beginning of the end. One thing I did to help me not try contacting him was get a different phone and not add his number to it or give him the number. for a very long time I felt like a donkey plodding along in life, head down, plowing through the mud. I had imaginary conversations with him in my car in which I would tell him everything I wanted him to hear and I eventually realized that no matter what I said or how I phrased it, he wasn't going to hear what I meant. If I said the sky is blue, his reply would be something like, you don't have to tell me the color of the sky, I can see that for myself, why are you always acting like such a controlling manipulative know it all about everything. I began to see that there wasn't anything I could do to reach him or turn him back into the man I loved. Believe me letting go of him was like having him die, grieving his loss when he was still living was so hard - I had become the enemy that drove him to drink because he needed me to be the bad guy, if I was the unreasonable b-wife, he could sit at the bar complaining about how I didn't understand and how hard I was to live with.

Mich · Veteran Member

Jaclyn, if you met your ex for the first time now, would you like him? Would you even want to be friends with him?

The answer is probably not. He's changed and you cannot change him back. What you are going through is very similar to the grief you would feel if he had passed away, except it's worse because he's not dead, he's still there but out of reach, but he's not the same person you fell in love with so many years ago. That person was destroyed by addiction and unless he helps himself, NOTHING and no one will bring him back.

He won't ever forget you and in his heart of hearts he knows that you're probably the best thing for him, but he doesn't want the best. He wants the alcohol. It's a relationship that I don't think we will ever understand.

Don't let his addiction destroy you. Relationships can be tough enough without the added battlefield of addiction and abuse.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn, I am sorry you are hurting. It is horrible what this disease does to everyone involved. I would just say what some one eluded to earlier. You are now seeing the real man, you are getting a glimpse of what life would be like when or if you marry, you are looking at the father of your possibly future children. I totally get being addicted to the person. My son is an addict and boy you gotta know I'm addicted to him. However through the beauty of this program I've learned to love my child and hate the disease. Please see if there are face to face meetings in your area and start going. We also have Awesome meetings here twice daily. Work on you for at least 6 months before making any life changing decisions. I think you'll be surprised how you may view things after working the program for 6 months. Prayers your way!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Checking in... I've been going to face to face meetings, and while they are definitely not hurting, I haven't been able to connect or find the relief for which I had hoped (and that so many of you seem to have found). My ex just began trying to come back into my life - I love yous, I'm sorries, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, et al. I began to give in a little and he immediately pulled back and told me I was pressuring him and still unhealthy. Why? Mad at him and myself...

Saucy · Veteran Member

I once read that it takes about half the time you were with a person to get over them. I wish somebody would have told me that, when I went through my divorce with my first AH.

The weird part was.... that it was EXACTLY right. It took exactly half the amount of time we were together for me to not get a twinge when I heard his voice on the phone.

If only I had known how long it would take before the pain would be gone, then at least I would have KNOWN there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yep, it is painful now, because having a man tell you in no uncertain terms that "he is just not that into you" hurts, especially when you know he is the broken one, and you are the normal one.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Saucey - Don't know what you are referring to, but that is not at all what I am dealing with. Absolutely nothing is said in "no uncertain terms"... Quite the contrary - which is a primary issue. Perhaps you meant to rely to someone else?

gabigail · Senior Member

(((Jaclyn))) I hope you keep going to the meetings....and keep going to different meetings. If you're not connecting, you will eventually find one or many that click for you.
I haven't been on in a couple of weeks because of my life's craziness. But I can so relate to what you're going through. At the beginning of my relationship with my A, I did admit that I was addicted to her. We've been together for 12 years, and I have to say as this disease has progressed, I'm finding working on myself and leaning on my higher power is helping me with my sanity and also with my addictive attachment to my A. I have been also reading up on codependency, which is what I am. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home (even though I'm with one now) but the traits are similar. I ran across something a couple of years ago that were traits of a codependent family by birth order, and it was my family to a tee. My sister at the time was in a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship with her now ex and he was a drug addict and alcoholic. My brother was also married to a meth addict. So, it does affect you. The only advice (though we're not suppose to give advice, but this is a suggestion mostly) is to get a hold of the book Codependent No More...there are so many things helpful that is helping me along with al-anon. It helps to keep talking about what is going on in your life, definitely finding your higher power (HP) to help you get through it all, and working the steps. They really do help. It will take time, though. Please know that others are thinking of you and are here for you. This is a great program! Take care of you!!

Gabigail

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackyn it takes time and effort. Willingness to
Change and grow. I have been attending alanon
For two + years. It really takes steps one, two
And three to begin your recovery journey. Handing
Over your self will to your HP is necessary to begin
Your healing. Your HP comes first then you and
everyone else afterward that.

It takes time be patient. I am proud of you for
Going to ftf meetings. It makes us face ourselves
Honestly and to be accountable. Keep an open
Mind. Reach out to good healthy people that will
Help you on your journey. Bad people only bring
You down.

This is not going to be easy or quick fix. Relationships
With an addict are not healthy for us. Let him go
And work on you so you can find an emotionally
Healthy and present partner someday.

I wish i had started alanon 30 years go but hindsight
Is great. Probably would have been divorced sooner
And saved myself so much heart ache and hurt.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep asking yourself why you want to keep hitting your head against that wall. He makes it look and sound so enticing and then you find you are hitting your head against that wall again. The same thing happens every time. He looks good. He sounds good. But you end up hitting your head against that wall.

Saucy · Veteran Member

I am sorry, Jaclyn.

I must have misunderstood your posts. Please forgive me.

SpookyMulder · Veteran Member

Oh, sweetheart. I understand these feelings so well. As I have posted before, I felt completely certain that my AW was my soul mate -- the real and actual other half of me that I had always looked for. It was mystical. It was "fate" and believed our connection to be so real and so true that I felt that if I lost her I would die. She left about 6 weeks ago (also, interestingly, using the word "done" which in itself seems to me like an intentionally belittling way to describe the end of a significant relationship). I was so devastated the first couple weeks I really didn't think I was going to make it. I couldn't eat, or sleep, or function. I felt like half of me had been torn away, leaving a blistering, weeping wound that would never heal. I was desperate to do anything that would give the relationship a chance. By coming here and to Face-to-Face meetings for just these last weeks I have already begun to look back at my recent devastation and think, "Wow. That was so sad. I didn't realize what kind of position I had put myself in." I'm not saying this because I think I am now wise or have things figured out -- just wanting to give you hope that if you just keep opening your mind and heart to the folks here and at F2F meetings -- and keep breathing -- you can feel better sooner than you think. I know so very well that it feels like endless hell right now, but I believe you can find relief.

Another thing I wanted to mention that has been a significant revelation to me (and recent, just in the last days) is that just as my AW knew exactly where to stick the knife for maximum damage, she also knew exactly where to lay the roses to make me feel as though there was no one else in the world that would be as kind to me, understand me as deeply, be as much a part of me. It isn't fair. It is indeed cruel, but it is the nature of the disease. It may help you to think carefully of possible examples of this in your relationship..? I'm sending you warmth and support.

SpookyMulder · Veteran Member

I have already sent one reply, but somehow I missed this particular post from you, describing your "jonesing" to hear your A's voice -- "just a little, please, a tiny bit, all I need is a little to get me by, then I will quit!!!" Doesn't this sound familiar? Like an alcoholic or addict going through withdrawal. I so relate to what you are saying. My ex AW at first wanted to have what she called "mediation" with our Pastor. For her it was a little bit "Let's decide what I'm getting out of the property" (at three weeks into the separation, and I was still devastated!) and also a little "These are the things I think you did wrong and you have so much work to do." It was hell for me as I tried to "fix" it and find a way back to our relationship. The panic, the sleeplessness, couldn't eat, function -- those couple Thursdays when I would see her was a "junkie fix" to me. After one of these meetings I had had enough. I worked with my Pastor to draft a fair and reasonable letter to my ex AW saying I just couldn't see or talk to her. I said that both the program and Canadian divorce law, which won't even allow you to file for divorce until a year of separation, supported my need to slow everything down. I feel like, for me, my AW was just like a drug or drink: the pressing immediacy that shuts out everything in the world except that person or substance, the fierce and unrelenting "need" for it... I never understood being addicted to a person until recently. It may help in the weeks ---even days -- to come to read back on what you have said and perhaps compare your feelings to that of an addict. It may not help, I just wanted to offer another perspective. Hugs.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

I went back with him for the last many months since I've been on here, and it all happened again. Exactly like many of you warned me it would. So sad, distraught, and disappointed in both him and myself

Hope you are all well.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Jaclyn. Sorry for what brings you back but know that we are still here...

Keep coming back!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thanks so much, iamhere-- Everything is just feeling so hopeless and desperate - all over again.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Trust your feelings Jaclyn Alcoholsm is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease that unless serious recovery is maintained it results in death. We who live with the disease MUST learn to focus on ourselves and secure help from like mined people in order to regain our sanity and mental health Please keep coming back.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thank you hotrod. I don't know why the intellectual knowledge of the disease doesn't resonate with my heart. Does that make any sense? Also wondering if anyone can relate to (a) giving into the A's denial and wondering if they are, in fact, not addicts after all, and/or (b) being in awe and envious of the A's seemingly happy and perfect life. My ex is extraordinarily good looking, wealthy, and charming. It seems like these things prevent him from the progression and consequences of the disease... Is that familiar to anyone?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Denial is one of the powerful symptons of the disease We too have that ability and denial will cause us to not see the reality that is staring us in the face.
My son was incredibly good looking could fool everyone for a long time until the disease upted tha ante and took his life.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Hotrod - you are right about the denial. I am so sorry about your son. That is terrible. I truly appreciate your kind and helpful words.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn i hope you are attending face to face meetings.
They truly will help you, go with an open mind and listen,
Learn and absorb the esh.

I have been going since 2012 it takes time, effort and
Honesty. None of it is easy, no quick fixes. You sound
young i wish i started alanon years ago.

I did go after i was married with my mother i did not
Think it was for me. I guess i was not ready, i wish now
I did keep going it would have saved me a lot of hurt.

I would have been healthier emotionally and spiritually.

(((((((( jaclyn))))))))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Mirandac - Thank you for your response. I would like to be going to face to face meetings, but am actually experiencing some unrelated severe health issues that the doctors are having trouble figuring out/treating. I won't bore you with details, but the illness makes me unable to drive, work, exercise, socialize -- you name it. It is terrifying and the time alone doing pretty much nothing (but worrying) does not help matters (e.g. - obsessing over the A, my illness, when will i be well, etc).

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Just figured i would ask, sorry for your
health issues. Take care of yourself.

Hugs

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Not at all. It was a great suggestion that I appreciate and intend to hede once I regain my health.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn - prayers your way for healing! If interested, while home bound, MIP does have 2 meetings each day....check the top left for the times as well as a link to the room.

There are times when there is no chair, but often another member will volunteer to lead. It's a great interim solution that you might want to check out!

Take care of you and be well!

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jaclyn, welcome back. I feel for your situation as it has developed, and can relate to many of the feelings you have expressed as I, also had similar thoughts and feelings that led me to AlAnon. Sorry to hear of your current physical limitations, that certainly adds to the mental anguish you must be experiencing.

One of the most crucial parts of my ongoing recovery and thought/feeling realignment, especially when I was first learning the principles and concepts of the program, was reading from the books made available by the AlAnon Family Groups. Daily readers (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Hope for Today) with a brief page containing an AlAnon concept and how it applies to a real life situation remain a part of my daily routine.

Many other AFG books have been very helpful and can be found on the al-anon.org website 'Literature' tab. I believe you would appreciate the perspectives presented in any of those books, especially while you are limited in what you are able to do. Whatever you decide, my thoughts are with you during this challenging time. Hang in there, and please come back

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Iamhere and Enigmatic - Thank you so much for your support and words of encouragement. Truly means so much to me. Enigmatic - Thankfully, I do have some literature - including Courage to Change, the navy blue Al Anon Family Groups book (the main one, I believe), and the big book of AA. Definitely helpful while trying to figure out my physical health.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

more places on the web to look at are anything by Melodie Beattie that you can find and Getting Them Sober web site has a lot of help for the family/person that is affected. It is not AlAnon published but the thoughts are correct for AlAnon.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thanks so much, maryjane

GreenerGal · Veteran Member

"He probably isn't replacing you as much as he has found an enabler that will help him stay sick although she may not know that right now. "

Exactly what I needed to hear this morning! Thank you so much.

GreenerGal · Veteran Member

Oh Jaclyn, I can't tell you how much I needed to read this thread this morning. I came here with such a heavy heart, I haven't visited the board in months because I was embroiled in the mess so similar to what you have described. All of your story is almost EXACTLY what I have been living thru the last year. In August it became to so bad that I had deteriorated from a fun loving, successful business woman to a crumpled mess laying in a hospital bed because I had given up all hope and was considering suicide.
The not being able to let go? What a nightmare. There was zero rationale.
And now? On November 21 he finally crossed the line. It wasn't just a wall he punched, it wasn't just his tools he threw to the ground. When he left me in the yard and drove away my roommate called the police and they came and took a statement and photos. The calls from the social workers, prosecutor and victim's advocate helped lift me out of the fog.
I still didn't get a Protection Order.
I had all kinds of excuses.
1. Since he didn't know that he was going to be summoned for the Domestic Violence incident, he was gone when the police came, I figured I could keep him somewhat level headed until the charges went thru.
2. He knew he wasn't allowed anywhere near me in person but I NEEDED the fix of his texts and calls. I felt I could not even breathe if I didn't have some kind of contact. I actually thought I would die if I couldn't have this contact.
3. I believed that maybe during this time, before his summons, that he would get the help he needed.
These were all excuses so I didn't have to give him up completely.
And now? He called me 9 days ago. A wonderful 20 minute call with his usual love. "I love you so much, I want to be healthy and spend the rest of my life with you" "I miss you every day, you are my reason for living".
Then 20 minutes later he called to tell me he had started seeing someone and he didn't want me to freak out. I said all the right things. I told him I wanted him to be happy, I hoped he could get healthy with this new person. He told me he still wanted us to have a future together and I just kept reiterating how I wanted him to be healthy and happy.
And then he went NUTS! The old, ugly yelling and accusing and everything was my fault and it would have worked if I had just X, Y and Z... He called again and again, 14 times in the next 15 minutes. I was scrambling to get out of the house and just as I was sitting down in my car, there he was pounding on my car window and screaming. I punched 911 into my phone and held it up to the window and he went crazy yelling but took off.
The end of the story? The police came again. I now have my Protection Order, it is not yet served. His summons for the DV went out on Wednesday, I don't think he's checked his mail yet.
I don't know if he realizes all this is coming. I've only told 3 people but word may have gotten out. I'm terrifed of his reaction when he finds all this out.
BUT...with the protection order in place I can NOT contact him without being in violation. AND THIS IS THE BEST F'ING THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME!!!
The first 48 hours after filling out the paperwork I thought I was going to die. Every single second was filled with thoughts of him. It's now been 5 days and I'm breaking away from the obsession and cravings.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Even if there are moments when I don't think I can survive this, I still hang on and I'm feeling better by the second. And once again, knowing that I positively can NOT contact him in any way is giving me an out, a way to move away.
I'm actually breathing today.
thank you so much for listening, I love you guys. And Jaclyn, you've got this, I promise. It's so hard but we can do this!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Greenergirl glad to see you back.

Hang in there,sorry for your recent
troubles.

Going to ftf meetings really do help.

They saved More than just my sanity.

((((((((( greenergirl))))))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

ExA fiancÃ© and I were not speaking for about eight weeks since he devastated me all over again... I received quite a bit of contact from him this weekend and 70 percent was kind and hopeful, and the other 30 percent was pushing me away and telling me to move on. I feel insane when he calls and speaks out of both sides of his mouth... And worse - broken all over again when the weekend ends with him saying "we really can't/shouldn't be talking". Please tell me if this sounds "normal" for As, or if anyone can relate. As far as what I'm doing for me? My current illness puts me in a horrible predicament in that regard, but I am going to read as much literature as possible - and hopefully figure out how the online meetings work. I appreciate you all.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I stopped answering the telephone and began really asking myself what I wanted That helped

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I do screen my calls. I figure if a message is left, I still have the choice to listen or not. I had such a pattern of reacting for so long, I needed the ability to pause before calling back if I chose to do so. 99% of the time, they did not leave a message. My qualifiers have a habit of robo-dialing back/forth between my mobile phone and the house phone....if they start that, I've been known to unplug the home phone and turn off/down the mobile.

GreenerGal - welcome back! Sorry for what brings you back here but still glad to see you!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene