Please Help... - Al-Anon Family Group

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Please Help...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Jaclyn: What you are describing is how the disease operates in its host. It isn't personal. He's very sick. Trying to figure it all out leads to nothing but more confusion for us. He probably isn't replacing you as much as he has found an enabler that will help him stay sick although she may not know that right now.

Regardless of what he is doing, you are hurting. Alcoholism doesn't just hurt the drinker, it hurts us. Our confusion, our hurt, our frustration is all evidence of ways this disease hurts us. Often, we try to change the alcoholic and that never works. What we can do is help ourselves in face to face meetings with other men and women who have and do loved people who are alcoholics as he has said he is to you. I hope you will find meetings in your area and attend at least 6 before you decide whether or not the program is right for you.

Keep coming back here, too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I support all that Grateful has stated. We are here for you...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Jaclyn

Be thankful that you ARENT married to him.....if he is treating you this way, just going together??? Imagine what marriage with this would be......only 15-20% of alcoholics "make it" in recovery......i am a 2 time loser, marrying alcoholics...and i tell you thanks to alanon i won't go there again

you love him w/all your heart??? he dumps you and replaces you, verbally abusive to you , I am trying to figure out "what is there to love about this???"

drinking and pills??? omg....hes a walking disasater.......You can't control him or cure him, hes gonna have to do this on his own......

meantime?? alanon and a healthy life awaits you if you reach out.....i know how u feel b/c i have been in this spot...i've been there with the abuse, abandonment, back and forth, rollar coaster mental rides w/these people and it never ends UNLESS they are in AA for several years and have learned how to live

please get into some face to face alanon meets....you will meet other gals and guys who either were in your shoes or are in your shoes......

do you really want to have a life with this??? what is it about your feelings about yourself that makes you think you don't deserve a healthy and happy relationship??? I am getting by reading your post that you want him back.....why??? alanon will help you understand that....it will help you discover and love yourself the way you deserve.....and a by product of self love is picking healthy relationships OR ending it when it becomes toxic to the point where there is nothing but struggle and up and down unhappiness

we are here ok????? glad you reached out

aquamom23 · Senior Member

come to some meetings. Explanations and understanding are two things we can't get from an addict in my experience at least not truthful ones. Ditto support. I would find it incredibly upsetting to experience what you have been told. Unfortunately you can not force him to be made accountable. From what I'm reading, he's deceived you from day one. Yes we do hang the moon and the stars in the beginning and are a source of high. But no new drug can replace or cure the addiction. This includes his latest girlfriend. Please keep coming back, you are worth so much more than this emotional abuse.

tortuga · Senior Member

Dear Jaclyn,
I experienced it like the with my ex A:
madly in love at first, i was his queren
Then he lost himself in drinking at times
I got worried
I wanted to help
He started disappearing or giving me silent treatment
I became more and more attached
He started to become rude at times
He started showing me even that he had secrets (as in, he wanted me to doubt, go crazy in thinking.....
I grew more attached>>> basically I had become addicted to him
Then was the time he could load all his sorrows and fears unto me, i would take them, because i wanted to save US.
I thought, if i do this or this or this, his life will be easier, lighter.....
He continued drdinking, he continued seeing other girls, he continued calling me sick....as i was
Until i was only a shadow of who i used to be...

There is a pattern here...you listen to kore stories here, check out old messages on the boards of people telling their story....this is how this disease operates...it's a psychological process...and don't be fooled, if someone stops drinking for a while, even years, if at the same time they don't do their mind work...because that's where this disease is living.
The best I did, and i think i did it in coming back here daily, every hour at some point, to get familiar with the patterns, to be reminded how to love myself, to be supporting others... I learned a lot, of my own weaknesses, of acceptance, and guess what...
The A is out of my life and mostly out of my head, because i could with the help of so many others build a new solid ME, i realize my mistakes, the intentions were good sure, but the motives, subconsciously were a bit twisted.
You are with your parents now, far away. Good. Use the physical distance. Switch off your phone maybe from time to time. Go out, go for walks, do yourslef some good, pass time with your family, animals, new or old hobbies. This is an opportunity for you, you might not realize right now, but you are given a gift of redirecting your personality, your life. Listen to your inner core, find out what you love to do, to be....and then learn being.
Most of all, arm yourself with patience...and if you get lost or a bit unstable in walking the new way, vome here, and ask questions, and listen, and think.
This is not about you, this is not your disease, you are just affected by it, and it is not easy to bear....we all here know what it feels like, believe me!
He replaces you, maybe good....you are out of his centre of attention, because he probably is looking for somebody who tolerates his screwing up. They usually revolte in some way if somebody, like us, messes with their routine of doing things. They are addicted to a habit....and we become too...
If he really want to change, he will. But not with your help. This he will ONLY do by himself, and some help of a program.
If you want change, also, YOU need to choose the direction you want to go, and then walk the steps. We are here, we are your program....even though the change will happen in you. At some point it will become FUN.
I can tell because I am my own example here. And i just followed what some of the old ones here told me. Read my old posts here and you will see. It was messy, drama, pain.... Today it is only work, with some real curiosity, and love for what i do and am.
You go rock your world. Read, learn, breathe.
You have it all in you.
Please vome back here. In support.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha (((Jaclyn))) welcome to the board and the MIP Family. You're not alone by any means and you're qualified for here and the suggestions you already have gotten and which are coming later. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and doesn't it look like you are experiencing altered thinking and feelings? Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind (to drink in spite of evidence that we shouldn't) and an allergy of the body (more evidence). Alcoholism is a very very cunning, powerful and baffling disease which you didn't cause, cannot control will never be able to cure. It will not be stopped because of you or even for you. If he stops its because he doesn't want to die from it or under the influence of it. No one wants to die while feeling insane and yet he is insane at the moment...his behaviors and words and body language is evidence.

Sorry that is what his fatal disease is. It can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence and you will never be able to make that happen. You love the image of the person...the other person and what you have is the alcoholic. We have come to understand that the best description of it is the Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde personality or in my case the Mrs.

There is lots and lots to learn. You have already run away and this isn't really that bad a move. You are at your parents and they hopefully have a phone book where you can look for he hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages. Call that number and find out where the face to face meetings are in your current area and then come at the first opportunity with a wide open mind. This is where the fellowship will surround you physically. Listen to their stories, learn what they have done to create a recovery for them, and attempt to practice their solutions. The steps, slogans, traditions, shares and you recognizing the similarities in the stories will help you to learn and grow more. Keep coming back here also. You got family now. (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jaclyn, welcome to MIP.

This place, and the acceptance of people in Alanon, has helped me to understand the difficulties of living with an alcoholic in my life so much.

The more I tried to understand my husband's behaviour the more securely I climbed onto the hook of an alcoholic disease. In fact I ended up clinging to that hook, too scared to look around me. And by doing that I allowed my husband's alcoholic personality to get worse, not better. I protected him from the consequences of behaviour that, frankly, would have had me pushing anyone else out of the door. I thought that our relationship was the most important thing in my world and I forgot about the child in my soul who deserved to be loved and who had so much love to give providing she could do that without fear. It was the most counterintuitive situation that I've ever found myself in and it took me years to realise that I could not do anything about his choices at all apart from accept them and act according to my own needs.

Sometimes our addicts say the right thing, even though it is not what we want to hear. Yes, get healthy - it is a magically, wonderful goal to give oneself. Your boyfriend might well be projecting his own thoughts about himself onto you, but you can't control whether or not he wants to get healthy can you? However it is not a bad piece of advice for anyone whose relationship is in a bad place. What do you enjoy doing? What things make you feel great at the end of the day?

You are right, 'how could he?' None of us really know the answer to that question but many words come to mind! If I had my time over again I would use the feelings of anger and dismay that I felt when my husband chose to have an affair very differently. At the time I tried to ride out the storm and protect our relationship at all costs (for two years or more). I can't tell you how much damage that did to my self esteem. My husband stopped his affair and his drinking when I started to get on with my life. Whilst all has turned out as I wanted in many respects I still have a host of resentments, distrust and hurt that keep getting in the way. I completely underestimated the damage that I was doing to myself by trying to hold us together. I now believe that if I had simply kept it simple, looked at what he was doing, and been my own best friend I would have given myself and my husband the respect and love that I felt at the time to fearlessly say 'fine, I respect your choices for yourself, but I can not thrive with this behaviour and I need to walk away.' For me that is the most loving thing I could do for myself and for my husband.

I expect that you are an amazing woman. I expect that your boyfriend does love you in his way. But he has some lessons to learn about how to live with love methinks, which includes respecting himself and the people he loves (IMHO). Sadly alcoholics struggle with that I think. It is up to him to turn up to class (I'm thinking about leading horses to water but can't make them drink as I type that!). In my life I had some lessons to learn about protecting and valuing myself and I started to feel a bit better when I reminded myself of the power of being my own woman. It is a great feeling. I hope that you stay with us, I think that your journey is full of great energy and potential. Take care of yourself. ((((((hugs))))))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Really appreciate everyone's replies. I am addicted to him - but I also love and planned my life with this man. I sit in bed in my childhood bedroom ALL day in paralyzing grief - too afraid to move, either figuratively or literally. I just showered for the first time in three days if that helps depict my current state. Am I just too hopeless? I don't know how to help myself...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn wrote:
Really appreciate everyone's replies. I am addicted to him - but I also love and planned my life with this man. I sit in bed in my childhood bedroom ALL day in paralyzing grief - too afraid to move, either figuratively or literally. I just showered for the first time in three days if that helps depict my current state. Am I just too hopeless? I don't know how to help myself...

Jaclyn, this is of concern...I urge you to find a meet, really, I hate to see anyone in this bad shape......you got addicted to him is right....the way out of that and to manage it is through the program......I know it hurts BAD when a relationship goes sour, but thank your lucky starts you din't marry him and bring children into this disaster......

your higher power is protecting you.......i know the grief and despair "love gone wrong" can bring, but I promise you it will pass..it will get better.....but you have to make yourself move (moving, just moving, doing something little for you can lift depression) and to go 3 days w/out a shower, Maybe you should seek medical help till you work past this....

the guy is very very low percentage of making himself a sober, equal, healthy partner....you invested yourself in him and yea, i get it...it hurts....

the way to help yourself is alanon meetings....and i mean like right now if you can....to be that depressed is an awful state to be in......we can't make you reach out for program, all we can do is share what we experienced, validate that u r not alone, and encourage you.....reachng out for life is up to you

NO body is worth this kind of pain.....and even if you get back w/him, it will be up and down and the down's will increase as his drinking progresses.......save yourself....let it go.....you can't save him....but you can save you.......sending you PEACE energy

Jaclyn · Senior Member

What if it doesn't ever pass? I feel so sure we are supposed to be together and there is NOTHING I can do... The paralysis of this reality and the pain keeps me literally immobile. I look up Al Anon meetings, have every intention of going - and then realize that I am not strong enough to brush my teeth and just go. I'm really scared that I'm the one person that can't/won't make it though this...

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if this is helpful or harmful advice to be honest but when I began working on myself, I had it in mind that if I could learn to stop caring so much and wanting my A to love me, he would in fact love me because I had learned to be less clingy and "available". That wasn't a healthy goal but it was all I could work with at the time and I was so ashamed of how attached I was to him and the fact that I really felt like I couldn't exist without his "love" which was really abuse and exploitation. It was all I thought about, I'll be honest, I was obsessed and miserable. So I started working on me, working on self-care and self love and self-respect at first because I thought it would make me more appealing to my A. I wanted to be like those "cool" women who don't need a man and seem to be very attractive to men because of it. I realise that must sound so very unhealthy to many people but it is the truth, thats where it began for me.
So that isn't a good motivation but it did actually work, the more I worked at it and put myself first and treated myself with love and respect, the more my A wanted to be with me and the better he treated me. The more I valued myself, the more other people started to treat me as if I had value.
Well somewhere in the process it actually started to take root in me and I DID start to value and care for myself and my obsession with him and incredible dependance on him withered and died and I started being able to work this program for ME which is such a fantastic and amazing new way of being for me.
So if you can't get into al-anon for yourself yet, do it because it will empower you and make you stronger and that is a very attractive quality in a woman. Tell yourself that is why you are dong it...to start with...if that's what you need to get started. And if you really work at it, go to meetings, immerse yourself in al-anon literature, begin working the steps with a sponsor, you might find you experience the same shift...the obsession dies and starts to be replaced with this amazing ability to enjoy life and everything it has to offer for YOU.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn wrote:
What if it doesn't ever pass? I feel so sure we are supposed to be together and there is NOTHING I can do... The paralysis of this reality and the pain keeps me literally immobile. I look up Al Anon meetings, have every intention of going - and then realize that I am not strong enough to brush my teeth and just go. I'm really scared that I'm the one person that can't/won't make it though this...

Jacllyn, I can guarantee one thing....if you don't choose you, it WONT pass...EVER...and if this relationship goes south on its own, you will be attracted to and attached to more losers and users.....that i can guarantee...it happened to me until i got into recovery....I am a co-addict...Codependency is being CO-addict....I am a people pleaser, control freak, i want what i want, my way, and I have a tough time surrendering to anything, but when i learned to surrender to the program, i can manage my coda....AND bad men turn me off now....i run...don't want them....

I just started to treat me better....put my needs first , it grew on me...i began to love me more...to appreciate me more....to put me on a higher level of self respect.....I don't "settle" for the losers, users, abusers, dopers, drinkers anymore.....don't want them......

intentions won't do it...a lot of people "intended" to get off the titanic, but ended up being sucked down with her when she sank......."not strong enough"????? your maker did not make you to fail...to be destroyed by another person or place or thing...You were given the tools to WIN..just like me..just like anyone else....its called CHOICE not being strong enough....sometimes you just have to drag yourself into the meetings....I did...I as so down on me, ready for suicide i didn't think there was any way out of the darkness and thats when I cried and said "creator, if you are real and if you love me you will give me the strength/courage to change what I CAN and do it soon" i went to my first meet the next day and haven't looked back....

As a CODA, i thought i had to rescue/fix everyone that was in need ...i was so screwed over and abandoned by my family, i was "gonna get it right" so i gravatated towards anyone who needed fixing up...paradoxically I wanted rescue for me, craved it, and chose the ones who needed rescue....go figure....but that is part of the CODA disease....

you can stay like this or save yourself...somewhere inside of you there HAS to be a will to live and we are talking about your life, really, when you get honest about it.....this is our very LIVES

I don't know what else to say, so i will lift you in prayer and hope you decide one day soon to embrace life and not emotional death....

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi- welcome to MIP and I'm glad you found us. I can relate you your posts- please know you're in the right place. I remember feeling that the horror and sadness of it all would never pass- oh, and how I didn't want to let go even when he was saying very similar awful things. I kept seeing myself though his sick eyes and I let his sickness damage my self esteem and I was completely lost and immobilized, frozen in a horrid holding pattern. This is exactly where his disease wanted me, as the disease eventually leads to insanity or death whether it is affecting the A or whether it is affecting those around the A.

It passed because, as it turns out, there is plenty I could do. It took me a while before I could start understanding and applying the Alanon steps and principles- I was (maybe still am) so stubborn. I feel blessed that I stuck with it, my situation did improve with the support of others who understand, learning new perspectives and sets of skills- for me this is a true miracle. I strengthened my weaknesses (and still am), and navigated through things that I had no idea how I'd get through.

This program works and it will work for you. All you have to do today is be present and willing, and you did that by coming and posting on MIP. The face to face meetings will be like this too. Show up, be present. Then be willing. That is all that's needed today. You can do this! The sooner you make it to your first meeting, the sooner you'll be on your way towards improving your situation. Keep coming back.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

There is so much to learn and you gotta get to us to learn it...be afraid and go anyway. Be heart broken and go anyway. That is often how I did it as I learned that fear is an emotion and then later on that it was very often based on my mind entertaining False Evidence making it Appear Real. We cannot tell the future so when it passes it usually does because some thing in us has changed. When you get to the meetings you will have proof that often times change is a normal part of our life. You have to get around other people who have been where you are at now and went thru it to better. Lets hear how your first meeting went. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You titled your first post "please help". What does that look like to you? I see wonderful helpful responses, yet it seems you are resistant to help?

Jaclyn · Senior Member

"PP"/Paula - I VERY much appreciate everyone's responses. Not sure how I offended you or came across as ungrateful.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn I am sorry you are in such pain. In order to recove- we must help ourselves. On line meetings are held here 2xs a day. Please break the isolation and reach out

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

Group Business Meetings are held in this room on:
The FIRST Sunday of each month at 8:30PM EST, (directly following the 7pm Sunday evening meeting.) Please join us for this meeting, as this is where the group comes together to make group related decisions.

Attachments

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not offended at all nor do I see you as ungrateful.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Betty

I so appreciate you typing all that re: the meetings times and topics, etc.....Thanks again for your tremendous service

I always get the time screwed up , thanks for making it clear, days and times and topics.... smile smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

biggrin Love yur avatar my dear Neshema

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Love yur avatar my dear Neshema

Hey my lady, that is Adrian, my baby grandson who is 3 now...little buggar, i named him and he STOLE my heart....committed grand theft to my heart....

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

He is a cutie smile And yes, Betty, thank you for this schedule.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Really appreciative of everyone's advice. Thank you, again.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are most welcome smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay!! you didn't run off after taking something personal. I did that for a long time in early Al-Anon and somehow found the courage to maintain my seat and continue to listen with an open mind. Jaclyn our program is about change and for me I learned that the most difficult thing I could and would do for myself was to stop me from doing my "habits" and learn how to do new ones I didn't even know or understand yet. I had to learn what it was that I wanted (didn't have a clue) and what I had to do to get that.

The steps, starting from the very first one is about changing my thinking and then that sets me up to accept the steps that follow. Most of my anxiety and anger and frustration came as evidence that I was powerless and that my life really sucked and then there was the guilt and self flagellation as I continued without help blaming myself for not having the stuff necessary to live peacefully while being married to an alcoholic/addict who lied, cheated and stole, got physically and mentally damaged and much much more. Who in the world ever comes on to this earth with the manual on how to deal with that much less try to fix it?

For today you are in the right place regardless that it might not feel like it. You didn't get to this condition overnight and you will not be able to get out of it that way either. Slogans help me to keep my anxiety level down and help me to create balance. "Easy does it", "One day at a time", "Let go...Let God", "Don't React"...said when needed in a calm and patient way. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" was and is a huge one for me and I learned not to let other "voices" people, places and things obscure the lessons I need to have.

You have become aware that the "amazing man" you found and fell in love with isn't so amazing. You got fooled by him and by trusting your own instincts. I did the same and more. When I found out my girlfriend was alcoholic/addict and was lying, cheating, stealing and more I when against better judgment of not marrying her and married her anyway. I made the wrong decision for myself and in the program found out I wasn't alone in learning how to change my behaviors in thoughts, feelings, and spirit.

You're in the insanity of the disease. If you continue to work this out with us, using our experience as stuff you can do also, your life will change...you will be a miracle in progress. Spend time scrolling back on the shares from newcomers who have come and listened and learned and practiced, practiced, practiced and who will share what it is like for them now.

Your condition isn't permanent...it is only temporary. Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Today I was fighting via text with my ex. He said he did not want to speak until the end of February. I asked him repeatedly what would be happening then. All he said is that I complicate his life, and he is trying to simplify. Can someone translate that for me? Anyways... I tried to remain positive and encourage him to not push away the people that love him -- which all led to him absolutely freaking out and telling me that if I sent one more text, that "he swears he is done... just test him". Should I text and say, "be done"? I'm hesitant because I still love him and don't want this... But I also don't want to be the person that he can just tell when to do what... Really appreciate any and all advice.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I would not call or contact him. He has clearly stated his boundary I would call an alanon member or get to a meeting.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not supposed to give advice in alanon. I will say that in my past relationships, when people told me to leave them alone, and I did not, it was about me and not them. It was me still trying to cling and change them and if I really loved them, I should have been able to listen to them and respect their wishes. It was also a real addiction...a relationship addiction. I could not stop myself from engaging and chasing after people. It took me a long time and much pain to learn not to engage in relationships where I had to plead for attention, constantly try and get someone to "just see how" they would be better off if they did things like I suggested, and where I always thought I knew what was best for them and it usually involved more of me as the solution. I played that out repeatedly in relationships. I do not know what exactly your ex is thinking, but arguing and strained relationships where you don't agree with the other person ARE complicated and take away my serenity and peace of mind.

I used to not see it, but now I do.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thank you very much, hotrod and pinkchip. I apologize for asking for advice (was unaware of that rule). I'm just struggling really horrifically right now. Feel like this pain just won't ease...

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

no matter if you have texted him by now or not you need to get this out of your head for YOU.

I had to literally picture a large push broom in my mind anytime I thought of my ex, which was every second of every day... I had to let it go or die...

I am so glad I did choose to let it go. There is a life on the other side of this but you have to choose to walk through the hard part which for me was making myself let go... not think of who did what or who was pushing who away... it didn't matter it was life and death I had to just let it go.

Then bit by bit I tried to put something anything healthy in my mind to replace what the broom pushed away, this was trial and error but it worked.

Take care of you, find your broom!

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Glad - It is let go or die... No matter what happens with him, I know I have to be able to let go - because I can't do anything right now. I literally just sit and obsess and cry, repeat. Did you ever feel like you wouldn't be able to let go, no matter how great the want or necessity? How did you in the end?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn the advice thing...I posted more from me to remember as I have to watch myself and how I give feedback in alanon. It is sometimes different than in AA which I am more used to.

As far as letting go...when I found it really hard, I hit up tons of meetings (for me that is AA or alanon or CoDA). That helped me let go and shift my focus. I kept busy so I wasn't just sitting home thinking about the person. And then (and this is not the best strategy, but it worked) I dated new guys partially out of spite, because I could, and as a distraction. I would be like "screw him...other fish in the sea." I usually had to wait a few weeks after a break up before employing that last not so great tactic because otherwise, I'd be too vulnerable and if a new date didn't go well, I'd come home and want to call the ex even more.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you attended any alanon meetings yet? Just go
And listen,learn and absorb the wisdom. You will gain
So much by going even if only you just cried. This will
be hard Long journey For you but ultimately very healing.

I wish i started alanon 30 years ago when i married my dry ah.
Many people tried To tell me this, that it would not be any
easy road and i did not Listen. I ran from the people who
wanted to talk about this.

I guess i just did not want to hear it, i am now suffering after a
29 year marriage and he is still dry but not sober. For the A
Its a life time of healing,changing and honesty for them to
Be emotionally sober then hopefully spiritually sober.

My ah is still an addict with an addictive personality and
He attends AA but he still is not emotionally sober. That
Takes vigorous honesty,squashing the ego to make him
Teachable and willing to be honest. That is huge!

Alanon is about you and your healing yourself from the
Disease of alcoholism. We get as sick as they are in a
Different way. You learn to start to care more about
Yourself doing self care snd self love. We lose ourselves
In an alcoholic relationship. We put them ahead of us.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome I am so glad you have found al anon. Loving an alcoholic really was harmful for me. Like you I found al anon when my boyfriend cheated when drinking. I just remember I was vomiting and could not stop crying the pain was so

intense. I rang al anon and a lovely lady chatted to me for ages she then asked me to meet her at an al anon meeting the next day. I said I would try I really don't know how I got there but I remember I felt better after the meeting. That was a while back now and still today no matter how bad I feel I feel better after a meeting. I can not put in to words what al anon has done for me. My partner has stopped drinking on occassions once for two years at the moment his disease is really bad. I know he is seeing other people and all sorts of crazy stuff, but guess what I am great. Try a meeting what you got to loose I look forward to hearing how you get on hugs Tracy xxxxx

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been through this twice in my life. It starts by hurting like anything. One of the things people told me was that later it wouldn't hurt at all, and I didn't believe them, because the intensity of the pain was so great that it didn't seem like it could ever go away. I'm here to say that thankfully they were right.

One of the things keeping us stuck in this state is some of the things we are subconsciously telling ourselves. "I was meant to be with this man." "My feelings for him are so strong and that shows that he is special and we were meant to be together." "My feelings are so strong and that means that these feelings will never stop."

All of those things are misunderstandings. In fact our feelings are stronger about people who are unobtainable. It's like if a dog sees a rabbit walking by slowly, he might think, "Huh?" But if he sees one running through the yard, he's off after it. Similarly our biology is wired so that unobtainable people often seem more compelling, and that here-and-gone pattern messes with our minds. We get put on high alert, because we can never relax and know that they're there for good. So we're in a heighented state all the time. That state is very exciting, like watching an action movie, if not always fun. But it's like we get addicted to the adrenaline. And we lose perspective and think that's how relationships are supposed to feel when they're good: "exciting." We think, "This feeling must mean this is more important than regular boring relationships. It is meant to be. I've never felt this worked up about anyone." But that excitement is 25% love and 75% anxiety.

There is also the fact that we can become addicted to people as a way of escaping our problems and feelings. An A is a handy person to become addicted to because there's always more drama for an A. So we get that drive to solving the problem of the drinking - "If only he'd stop, if only he'd pay more attention to me, if only he'd come back to me..." Maybe we're also trying to repair our childhood abandonment. Pretty soon our whole world starts to revolve around what he does and how he's acting towards us at the time. That's so painful. The good news is that that pain can alert us to the fact that we have to save ourselves and get off the merry-go-round.

When this happened to me, I read every book I could get on the subject, and I found that it was all laid out in black and white. That was a big relief because it meant that I was just "following orders" of my brain - none of those feelings were real, I mean about him being the only one for me, the excitement meaning he was the love of my life, etc.

If you read through the threads on here you will get much wisdom. There are online meetings too. Please take good care of yourself. It can and will get better.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thank you Tracy - I do need to get up the nerve to go to some face to face meetings. I've been before, but feel so paralyzed right now that i have just not...

Mattie - All of those things that you wrote ARE me. I'm so grateful you said all of that, and I don't know if this is allowed, but would love to speak with you further. Thank you so much.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I'll try to look up one of my old post it details how I let go. The victory I feel now is amazing! It was a long hard lesson and took time then when I got better I spent a short time happily alone...really pleased each day of my life alone.. now I'm with a wonderful none addicted person who wants to share his life with me in the ways I had always hoped for. It's really nice but even better is my knowledge that if this relationship ended I could be very very happy alone too.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I found the old post, I titled it "I got out of the tunnel"

I haven't been on this board much over the last year. This morning as I read several post that all sounded so similar to my experience... The alcoholic lies, makes promises and then doesn't keep, blames it all on me, I'm angry and acting out with others etc. Yes, we are sick too because of the disease and I was the best example of crazy... The reason for my post today is to share what happened to me in hopes that when someone else is in that dark tunnel that spins around and the most horrible element is that you can not make yourself find the way out BUT you know it is right there!

2003 met and actively pursued a relationship with someone I knew was not only an alcoholic, came from a family of "down in the gutter" alcoholic and child abusers (yep I knew he had been molested and has serious issues and I pursued him anyway!

2003 to 2008 twisted and turned, cried and ruined my relationships with family and friends, hurt my teenage daughter by becoming so obsessed with "fixing" this man and getting him to "love" me that I ignored her high school and college years ( I have to work on forgiving myself for this) I'm living daily amends to her and to myself it still hurts but gets better!

2008 found alanon in person meetings and cried the whole hour because everyones story seemed so much like my own.

2008 to 2010 worked the program some... for me became more and more aware that OUT was MY first step to MY recovery.. many ins and outs (breakups) with him during this time, we both wanted out and he wanted to keep drinking...and being who he is which is unacceptable to me and I keep trying to change him because I just knew he should appreciate that, after all his life was crap and all I was trying to do was help...thing is sometimes you just need to leave crap alone!

Anyway in 2010 we broke up, it became obvious he wasn't coming back this time, I went even crazier and tried to "get him back" ( the tunnel) I can not tell you how thankful I am he didn't want me back and yes I am embarrassed I continued to chase him BUT ... in May 2011 my beautiful grandson was born... on the day of his birth I was so depressed I could barely move.. I did make it to the hospital just as other family members from farther out of town were leaving, but missed the actual birth ( my amazing daughters never criticized me for this) but this was my "bottom" when I realized how detached I was from my life.

So I realized this and stopped chasing him but remained depressed to the point of not being able to move most of the time until Nov. 2011 when I literally realized my life was either going to be over or go on... I made the decision to try to move each day.. ( I could have benefited from some professional help and considered checking myself in somewhere,, and that would not have been a bad thing. I received and email from a group of single ladies who were starting a new bible study/ share group and were meeting at a local restaurant. That went well. I began working out like crazy ( at this point I didn't really have the $35 mth. gym fee to spend but new it was maybe that or death if I didn't move my body... I actually cried through many of the ladies group meetings and nobody "pushed me" by saying what's wrong etc.. but it was obvious they cared and would help if I choose to ask for help.. I also cried through a lot of yoga classes (thank God for allergy season and dark rooms, but I kept going anyway... I was able to get things moving a little better at work with the help of a good friend, then as each little thing got a little better it became easier to get each next thing to move along better... In May 2012 I was smiling in the pictures from my Grandsons birthday and noticed we all looked pretty good. I was there with family and appeared to be present..improvement, in May 2013 I looked great and was the happiest I think I've every been to know I could stand alone, without someone to "care for" or work toward or work "on" or whatever. Taking care of me first, meeting my financial obligations, still ran across some "junk" from the past emotionally, financially etc. but it was just old junk not a big deal and I was still finding beer caps in the oddest places, laughable now.

In July of 2013 I meet someone who didn't need any "fixing" or have any addiction (except maybe his love of animals and his family) someone who shares my faith and who is actually a very strong, yet patient and flexible person. It's pretty great to be able to appreciate him and still value me as an independent person.

That idea; the one that says work on myself first was just words, words I didn't really understand because I couldn't see how "helping" someone else could be wrong, until I hit my real bottom.

I had to experience severe emotional pain before I stopped trying to get back in the tunnel.

Today if I feel a little down, I know it's that I'm probably needing to focus on something about me: work, exercise health, family, spiritual... I get that It really means something to me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I" let go" one moment at a time by repeating a slogan or the serenity prayer over and over in my head . When I was free and could move on to another more productive thought or action . I also had to remind myself that if it was meant to be, it will be and nothing i do or do not do will change that .
It is all a processa so be gentle with yourself and try to remember to go to supportive people for support.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 5th of February 2015 06:42:00 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.