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I'm not sure, as I sit here, what exactly I am hoping to gain by typing this out. I don't know that anyone can advise me on an effective solution or soothe me with words of wisdom. My earliest memories as a child are of my father or about my father and his being drunk, violent, out of control, or all of the above. It has come back to hit me in full force and I don't believe I ever completely faced those memories. I cut contact with him twice before over his behavior and or drinking. It was easy with my being in the military. I hadn't lived close to home for so long. I separated and an abusive ex-husband gave me no choice and I had to turn to my Dad for help. I thought maybe it was a blessing in disguise, I probably would have never sought him out if I had any other option.
I caught glimpses here and there of how he obviously still should not be drinking. I moved out as soon as I could. As fate would have it, I married an amazing man. I moved to be with him across the country. This made things much easier with my Dad as now we were dealing with a long distance relationship. I could handle him and his negativity in these smaller doses. Then my husband got orders to Korea. Instead of staying across the country I decided to move in with Dad so me and the kids could be close to family for that year.
My Dad just got his 2nd DUI in just over a year. I have had multiple discussions with him about his drinking. He acts as though he is hearing me and then slowly the behaviors and the drinking come back. His most recent DUI came after he voluntarily gave me his word that he would not drink for the remainder of the time me and the kids were here. He has spanked my oldest child multiple times against my wishes. He has drank while watching my youngest. The first time, I was just shocked that I would even have to say, "Don't drink when you watch my kids." However, I did say it. It did no good as he did it again. So I have told him that I am not comfortable with him watching my kids any longer, he will not be trusted with them again. He has offered and I have declined multiple times since.
I am living in his house and can't stand to be around him anymore. Due to his 2nd DUI he has lost his license for one year. I had to quickly make it clear to him that I had no interest in driving him around. I'm a Mom of 2 and I don't get to go and have my hair cut when I should, yet he expected me to load up my youngest and take him to get his hair cut. He has a girlfriend and has stayed there the majority of the time we have lived here. He still comes here and I feel so guilty because I don't want him here. We have just a couple more months until we can move on to our next duty station. I am trying hard to make it.
I can't just ignore him and moving now is possible although extremely inconvenient. Talking to him hasn't worked and I need some distance from him. He comes up and puts his arm around me forcing me into a hug and I just want to lash out at him. There is so much bad history, bad memories coming back up over this that I am in constant stress mode. I can't stand how he expects me to just snap back like everything is okay. He makes comments, "You still mad at me?" He is good at the pity party routine. He has most everyone trained to put up with his B.S. He is a bully and likes to try and physically intimidate people. I wish I could spill it all out, but there is just so much.
I'm overwhelmed and at a lost. He is pushing me away. I see him becoming a sad and lonely old man. He will likely scare his girlfriend away with his behaviors. She doesn't know the half of how he used to be. Multiple people have approached her warning her about his drinking. He threatened my mother to, "make like a rabbit and run," when I was a young girl. She left my sister and I in the house in the middle of the night because she was afraid for her own life and thought he wouldn't hurt us. He is a hunter and has many weapons. So according to her, he was headed to get his pistol as she made for the door. He talks about killing people, he's pulled guns on people.
I thought he was doing better, but this second DUI is a blinding sign that he is not. I don't know if I need to suck it up and play along until I can get out of here, or stand my ground and be firm that he needs to get it together.
Welcome inundated, I am glad that you reached out and shared your inner thoughts with such clarity and honesty.
It does appear that you have been dealing with the disease of alcoholism for a long time on your own. I'm sure you're aware that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. The disease not only infects the person that consumes alcohol but also the entire family who interacts with the insanity. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop negative coping tools, in order to survive. These tools may work for a time in the grown-up environment but then they stop working.
AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for members of the family who have lived with or live with the disease. The hotline number is listed in the white pages and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. I urge you to reach out and attend.
It is extremely important to break the isolation caused by interacting with the disease and to receive the support, empathy, and understanding of those who have loved and coped in this environment. It is here that I reclaimed my self-esteem and self-worth and learned constructive tools to live by.
Living one day at a time, focused on myself and my well-being, so that I could care for my child, trusting a God of my understanding and learning to act in my own best interest and not react helped me to rebuild the sane and happy life.
Please keep coming back here and sharing there is hope
Aloha C and welcome to the board. There are tons of past post here which are very similar to yours which is a usual example of how the disease of alcoholism and the alcoholic touches the lives of the family and others. I would strongly suggest calling Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and finding out where and when we get together in your area. Al-Anon is a 12step 12traditions family support program for us. I was also born and raised within this life threatening fatal disease and what worked for me getting my sanity and life back was this program. MIP has a deep foundation of Al-Anon members and more will be coming forth with Experiences and Strength and Hope for you. In support. ((((hugs))))
Is there another place you can stay for the next few months? He sounds very dangerous and has already hit your son. I'm very concerned for you and the children knowing how unpredictable this disease can be from my own experience and as I read your thread - your experience, too.
Welcome inundated, I am glad that you reached out and shared your inner thoughts with such clarity and honesty.
It does appear that you have been dealing with the disease of alcoholism for a long time on your own. I'm sure you're aware that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. The disease not only infects the person that consumes alcohol but also the entire family who interacts with the insanity. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop negative coping tools, in order to survive. These tools may work for a time in the grown-up environment but then they stop working.
AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for members of the family who have lived with or live with the disease. The hotline number is listed in the white pages and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. I urge you to reach out and attend.
It is extremely important to break the isolation caused by interacting with the disease and to receive the support, empathy, and understanding of those who have loved and coped in this environment. It is here that I reclaimed my self-esteem and self-worth and learned constructive tools to live by.
Living one day at a time, focused on myself and my well-being, so that I could care for my child, trusting a God of my understanding and learning to act in my own best interest and not react helped me to rebuild the sane and happy life.
Please keep coming back here and sharing there is hope
Thank you for replying and reaching out to me. I do think attending meetings could be beneficial to me, but it would be very difficult to do so while still living here. I have resorted to putting my youngest in daycare when I can't take her with me for appointments. Because of the tension between my Dad and everyone else I feel badly to ask my Grandmother to come over and watch her. She wouldn't mind a bit, but she has been keeping her distance from my father (her son) lately as well. I'm sure he would also act hurt to find out I bypassed him to ask her to watch my girls. I have told him more than once now that I am not comfortable with him watching them anymore, but it seems like he forgets or just doesn't listen.
I will look to attend meetings once we move and in the meantime I may try to log i for some of the online chat meetings if I can manage it.
Aloha C and welcome to the board. There are tons of past post here which are very similar to yours which is a usual example of how the disease of alcoholism and the alcoholic touches the lives of the family and others. I would strongly suggest calling Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and finding out where and when we get together in your area. Al-Anon is a 12step 12traditions family support program for us. I was also born and raised within this life threatening fatal disease and what worked for me getting my sanity and life back was this program. MIP has a deep foundation of Al-Anon members and more will be coming forth with Experiences and Strength and Hope for you. In support. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for welcoming me. I think the emotions are intensified with us living under his roof currently. I feel trapped. I can't really attend meetings because I can't manage getting someone to watch my girls. It would undoubtedly cause drama. If I ask my Grandmother, my Father would probably get his feelings hurt. I have told him, I am not comfortable with him watching them, but it falls on deaf ears. I think the meetings would be helpful for me, but I doubt I could attend until we move.
Hi inundated I do understand about having the time and the ability to attend face-to-face meetings butd do believe that you would really benefit from the support at this time. We have online meetings here two times a day which could be beneficial.
Here is the schedule
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Please keep sharing here as well. It is important to connect.
Is there another place you can stay for the next few months? He sounds very dangerous and has already hit your son. I'm very concerned for you and the children knowing how unpredictable this disease can be from my own experience and as I read your thread - your experience, too.
Because of the anonymity I will be totally honest, I am afraid for our safety here. Another of the many issues is that he was handling a pistol in his bedroom and was unaware it was loaded. He discharged it in his bedroom, the bullet hit his wall, went through and into my oldest daughters room. We were all in the living room at the time and no one was hurt. Once I realized what had happened I looked around to make sure no one was hurt and tried to stay calm for the kids. My cousins were also here, as well as my uncle (their father.) Panic attack set in. He acted as though it was not big deal at all. When I started saying what could have happened, he said the following, "No one was hurt. I always aim a weapon away from where I know people are." It was like he didn't really register the severity of it at all.
My dog decided to pull some pumpkins from the garden over the summer and my Dad told me he was so mad, he wanted to shoot him. He shoots any animal that wanders onto his property. He has killed my cousins dogs and then told one of them about it. Probably looking for validation.
He is quick to excuse his own mistakes, but intensely critical of others. When confronted he lashes out. He reminds me very much of my ex-husband who I believe to be a narcissist. Takes no responsibility and manages to flip everything around on you. They screw up, but leave you walking on eggshells not wanting to say or do the wrong thing around them for fear of how they will react or retaliate.
Depression runs in my family. He takes an antidepressant and pain pills. I do worry that if he thought I planned on cutting contact with him again he might react badly. So until I find a safe way out I have to walk the line between protecting myself and my children, setting boundaries and consequences, but being careful not to crack too many eggs as I go. If I could up and leave safely and quickly I would. I've been looking at going ahead to our next duty station and living in an extended stay hotel.
Right now I am packing and thinning things out. So that if I needed to get out of here I can make it a smoother process. I hate to abandon my plans, but if it comes down to it we may have to. Since I have been distant from him he has made it a point to come here more often (normally he is at his GF's house.) It's as though he is trying to force things to be alright. He jokes about things and I think he believes it makes the mood lighter. It doesn't. When he called me after he was released from jail, I told him that my grandmother started asking specific questions and I wasn't going to lie to her. He interrupted me on the phone and said, "so you ratted me out?" Very narcissistic. When I wasn't willing to drop what I was doing (me and my youngest were sick) to drive him around for his DUI stuff and take him for a hair cut, he mentioned that if he didn't get certain things done he would go back to jail. I brought this up to him and told him that it felt like he was trying to make me feel bad or responsible if he didn't get his things done. He sneered up and made this face and said my name really funny, like how did I have the audacity to think such a thing.
I need out of here. My oldest won't talk to him hardly and can't stand him. That alone cause tension. Now I dread being in the same house as him. I'm letting him think we are staying here, but I am picking up the pace on prepping to go.
My grandmother offered for us to stay in a house they have, but I have no furniture, dishes, or anything here. It is an option I suppose....
I feel very lost and overwhelmed. Thankfully I started taking buspirone recently. I can't imagine how badly I would be doing without it.
Hi Inundated In reading your last share I too am very concerned for you and your children. Letting go of plans, procesing the reality of a situation and then taking action that is in the best interest of your family is of the utmost importance.
Moving to a home with no furniture is a fanstastic offer. You can get second hand furniture ,dishes, etc from the Salvation Army stores. It does not have to be fancy or expensive, just safe.
I agree with Betty/Hotrod's last post and I am a former therapist and alternatives to violence men's case manager. C you don't need more justifications to get safe and feeling guilt and shame about what he will think or how he will feel or how he justifies and explains and more is the enablers downfall. I got a suggestion?
Read your post as if you were someone else...maybe us...and then reply to Inundated as others have also. See what you come up with. We will continue to be here for you...and the girls. (((((hugs)))))
Dear I: I am not surprised by anything you have written. I sensed all the danger you were in in your first post. I am glad you have opened up here and shared the rest of the story. Your grandmother's house and going on to the next duty station are two very good options. It also sounds as if you are also very aware of your surroundings and of his illness. It is not unusual for us to want to "set the other one straight" when their perspective is very different than what we're experiencing or seeing. With a man who is as sick as your Dad and based on my own experience with people that ill, confrontation or correcting or arguing with their point of view escalates tension. I'll be praying for you and for your children as you move yourself and them out of harm's way when you can see your way clear, sister.
It sounds like you need to leave with your children. An abusive alcoholic with guns. You sound like a sensible person and although moving might be inconvenient it is much better than the alternative. Its easy to think that our concerns concerning an alcoholic are exaggerated but ive come to trust my feelings like you have. If it feels dodgy then it is.
Hi Inundated In reading your last share I too am very concerned for you and your children. Letting go of plans, procesing the reality of a situation and then taking action that is in the best interest of your family is of the utmost importance.
Moving to a home with no furniture is a fanstastic offer. You can get second hand furniture ,dishes, etc from the Salvation Army stores. It does not have to be fancy or expensevie, just safe.
Please reconsider your decision
I am continuing to get rid of unnecessary items and find out more information about moving early. The stress is too much. He has been here all day and I have stayed in my bedroom with the door closed. I can't keep living this way. I told him I need space and time. He normally is not here this much. I don't know why he is doing this. All it's doing is making me feel trapped.
Please remember that this is his house and he can be there anytime he chooses. This is no way to live, even for one day Inundated .
You have other options. hiding in the bedroom is a waste of your preious life . I know you are trying to downsize but at this time your sanity and the safety of yourself and children are the most important.
(((I))) Your intuition will guide you if you listen to it. Even if your intuition's suggestion is to cook your Dad supper if that is something you have normally done, do it. If this were me, I'd be sure to keep all thoughts and actions about leaving to myself and carry on as is normal for me in relationship to him. I'd leave no hints and give no hints that I'm talking with anybody different than usual nor that I'm thinking about or getting ready to go somewhere new. I'd act relaxed and comfortable and do what is my usual routine while he was there. Of course, you aren't me and it might not work for you, but I do want to share my experience of being with someone who was volatile with you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 06:27:26 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 08:34:45 PM
I'd like to add that if you have put your real name at your account, change it for your protection. It is not necessary for your full name to be there to have an account with us. If this were my Dad, there would be a part of me that wants to protect him. If your Dad was well, his healthy self would tell you that the most important thing is that you and your children are safe. The same thing you'd want for your own children.
I haven't read any of the posts until now. You have received truthful, wise counsel here and an offer for safe housing. Don't wait for a catastrophe to take action...if you are killed, who would care for your children? If your child is killed, then what? Take action, now, please. Stay close to us for support.
I know you all are right. The details of our situation is what is slowing down the process. It's difficult for me to go on as though everything is fine when it isn't. Retreating to my room or taking a drive are the only ways I can get away from him when he is here. I don't like packing or doing anything throughout the house with him here. I feel so foolish to even be in this situation to begin with. I never thought things would get like this. I thought my Dad had at least some respect for me, but it seems as though he has zero empathy.
My husband should be receiving his orders for our next assignment at any time. Once those come down we can get on the wait list for housing. Once on the wait list, I could take the girls and go on up and stay in temporary lodging until a house opens up.
I'm trying to process how I can let go of my hurt feelings. How can I interact with him and separate myself so that I don't feel betrayed, lied to, disrespected, and unloved? Is there a way to disassociate from the feelings and anxiety? I can't continue on with this level of stress. He is oblivious to my requests for time and space apparently. It bothers him that I shut myself and daughter away and avoid contact, but he doesn't seem to make the connection as to why I do it. Should I even bother saying it again? He comes here more now that I have asked for space....
You're feeling anxious because you are in a very threatening environment. Those feelings are trying to protect you. Your Dad's behaviors from what you describe appear to be due to the disease which is highly operative in him and without treatment, he is as powerless over it as you are powerless over him. In some ways, the disease can render him almost unconscious - as if he is sleepwalking through life - at a certain stage in the progressive nature of the disease. He can't read your cues or hear your needs because the disease talks louder than you can speak. Repeating the same message over and over in hopes he'll hear you won't result in him hearing you. Your fear and anxiety are healthy feelings given what you have written. When you pull away, he becomes more anxious by what he sees. Trying to explain the reason you are doing what you're doing to somebody who is sleepwalking won't result in any outcome that you'd like to see happen. I don't think any of us are suggesting you pack while he's there. That will add to his anxiety as does shutting yourself up in your room. What we are suggesting is that you get out of there with your children as soon as possible and as cautiously and shrewdly as possible without escalating the tension between you and your Dad.
You won't be able to change, cure or help your Dad become the father you want him to be. That's between him and his Higher Power. You can treat him with kindness, courtesy and respect to the best of your ability, listen to your intuition and do what in your heart of hearts you know you can do to protect yourself and your children if necessary and only you know if it is necessary. We can only see what you're sharing with us and it is concerning to us. Based on what you're sharing, we can only make suggestions and give you honest feedback. We trust that you can and will do what you need to do for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 10:24:12 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 10:29:39 PM
You are powerless over your dad's actions, that is the truth. You and your children are not safe, that is the truth. We can see what you cannot because you have been traumatized. What is really stopping you from protecting you and your family? It makes perfect sense that your father is around. He senses something is up and does not want his whipping posts to leave.
I I'm trying to process how I can let go of my hurt feelings. How can I interact with him and separate myself so that I don't feel betrayed, lied to, disrespected, and unloved? Is there a way to disassociate from the feelings and anxiety? I can't continue on with this level of stress. He is oblivious to my requests for time and space apparently. It bothers him that I shut myself and daughter away and avoid contact, but he doesn't seem to make the connection as to why I do it. Should I even bother saying it again? He comes here more now that I have asked for space....
Your feelings are important and should be acknowledged and not disregarded or disassociated from. They are your inner voice, shouting to you, that this situation is dangerous. You are being abused, lied to , disrespected and betrayed. Listening to feelings gave me the power to act to protect myself and child.
Prayers for the safety and well being for you and your family
Why can't you move into military housing? You had good intentions wanting to be around family but not at the cost of safety and drama, you need to get out of your fathers house ASAP.
Please understand that he may be your biological parent but now that your are an adult that doesn't mean you need to keep him in your life. If you were to meet this man today would you like him? Would you trust him? Would you want him around your children? I think not. Almost any man or woman can become a parent, that doesn't mean they should or they will be any good at it, your father is a bad parent, a bad grandparent and a terrible role model for your kids.
Accept the fact his only love is booze, build your life away from him and his problems. There's just no sense being around him, it will only lead to tragedy and despair.
I won't advise but I will say your father and mine sound very similar and my father was a very dangerous man. One of the last times we talked he threatened to kill me and he held my mom and I at gunpoint once when I was a teen.He came to stay with me for a few weeks once when I was thirty, similar to your father he would give me no space.. He would knock at the door of my bedroom and ask what was wrong. I can only say for me my father was unstable and if he were still alive and I were living with him, I, myself would consider even going to a homeless shelter and staying, whatever it took to get away from the danger. I'll keep uou in my prayers, I so understand ;)
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Hi, Inundated. It looks like you are going to be letting go of living with your Dad very soon. Perhaps you will choose to make that move within the next few days, or perhaps it won't happen until your husband is assigned to a new duty station. I'm really glad that you're in the position of being someone who will move away from your scary situation soon.
In AcOA, I used to hear people say "We're the lucky ones". I believe this is true in your case. It's true, you've been obsessing on him like he is the most important thing in the world. You have had a hard time getting yourself to move out. But you reached out to this board, and you are also going to have to move very soon, if you haven't done so already.
I wish you the best. There are so many women who are living with violent alcoholics. I'm grateful to not be one of them. And, Inundated, I'm grateful that pretty soon you won't be one of them either.
It's funny they stir up so much rage and helplessness in us, but when it comes down to it, we can leave.
Best luck to you, Inundated. I hope you're managing to provide some happiness for yourself & your family & aren't just all wrapped up in him.
