The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH Called this week. He received his 30 day chip. My response wasn't supportive, nor was it non supportive. My feeling is that of the fact he's been a damn drunk for 12 years, and while yes, everyone must start somewhere, I cannot be proud of a 30 day sobriety. especially since I know it's because he's been in primary and in the controlled environment this whole time. Get yourself into my reality again and see if you can manage it. I know, I know. Harsh. But I'm a tough lover.
AH has signed up for another 60 days of extended living care. I'm glad he's doing this. But I wonder what will happen when he hits reality.
I still hate him. My resentment hasn't disappeared. Last visit he mentioned that he owes me for the years he screwed up. This pissed me off. He doesn't owe me jack. There is no amount of do-over he can make happen that could improve the wrongs he's managed to inflict on myself.
I believe he he thinks he's coming home when he gets out. That's not happening. He can go home to his manipulating mother.
As you can tell, things have not improved with my in laws. Because of this, I'm erasing them from my life. That's his problem going forward. It is to the point that if I don't divorce him, I am definitely dropping my married name legally and going back to my maiden. His "family" disgusts me in how they treat "family".
I have not yet heard about the future of my career. I'm hoping I can be kept on long enough to maintain benefits until the end of his rehab AND after the major surgery my daughter needs. Many of you in my last post about my job stated I should not give up my dream, and I would normally agree, however, this surgery that is needed will keep my child in a wheelchair for an extended time, and moving in the middle of all of this, to a city with no support system, and where the cost of living is more, isn't in the cards at this time. Therefore, the timing isn't right.
Does it make sense that I am angry and resentful that the tidy little compartmentalized box I've had all these years in has become untidy, scattered, out of control?
The word hate isn't a strong enough word.
In the end, I move forward. Slowly. I realize daily that a relationship with him isn't healthy for me. I try and convey this to him, he's not listening. He's got this new lease on life, you see, with rainbows and unicorns, and skittles. And he's got all the problems of his world being worked on while I clean up his mess and manage his life, pay his bills, and "keep the Homefront" strong for him. Reality is gonna bite him. I care about his recovery, about him, for I am not heartless. I'd just rather have a friend relationship with him rather than a volatile future as spouses. He "loves" me the problem is that ehen I love someone, I don't jeopardize my relationship with them. Love is only unconditional and I do not have that love for him any longer. He may have that for me, but then again, I'm not the one who has placed us in the position we are in.
I've not not done well with Al-Anon. Application and working of the steps ... Well I start it, find myself thinking that while I identify with the others in meetings, it doesn't help resolve my issues. The steps I cannot even engage in .. Reading material I cannot even read. I love reading everything, but these self help topics .. Idk, they don't grab me. Am I a lost cause?
I was raised by a mother who has zero use for an addict She cuts them out of her life I am of the same cloth I believe. This doesn't help me, his cause, or our family I am thoroughly disgusted with his actions, and the damage he's managed to create
I feel for you for being broken and angry but I can't relate because I can't go there. I guess the damage for me was not severe enough. My hope for you and your daughter is that you get the help you need so you can heal and the anger you feel not take over your life. You need your happiness for your daughter so you both can be happy and live a good life going forward. The sooner you let go of the collateral damage the better off you will be.
Do you really think you can have a friend relationship with him with as much anger you have inside? Would it do any good for you or HIM? Something to honestly think about.
Please read the book " Getting them sober " by Toby Rice Drew. It will give you some tips and tricks how to take care of you and let go of him.
Keep coming back because you are not alone ((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can understand the bitterness and I've learned that it only chews away at me. Your Mom might have cut As out of her life and did she ever get to see why she chose them in the first place? I can remember sitting in a meeting once looking at all the literature and reading some of it while I waited for the meeting to begin. I turned to a friend and said: "I can't understand how I ended up here." I couldn't because my parents weren't As, I wasn't an A, I hadn't grown up with alcoholics in my life. So, what was I doing in Al-Anon? Turns out that was a very good wonderment for me. Slowly, denial began to drop from my mind and heart. I realized that although I could see the alcoholism and drug addiction in my x and in his family, I hadn't been able to see it in my own family. Fast forward multiple years and I now know that some grandparents were As, uncles and cousins died early of alcoholism, several of my sibs are self-confirmed or suspected alcoholics and now my son is an A. That explained how I ended up marrying an A. It was inevitable even though my parents had cut active As out of their lives and ours. Maybe what's true for me and my family is true for you and yours, too?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 07:18:47 AM
I don't know you well enough to respond with what I believe to be helpful. I do see a strong, compassionate heart that is aching. I hope my statement isn't too direct. Like a lioness, I did what I had to do for many years to provide for my children, and you are, too. Keep coming back.
When I first came to Al-Anon I was angry at HIM for putting me through the bs, everything was the alcohol's fault, everything was HIS fault for letting the alcohol destroy us.
I know different now, sure, he's the addict, but I let him walk all over me, let him turn me into an eggshell walker. I put up with behavior I shouldn't have, I encouraged the abuse by not speaking out against it hoping it would go away or be minimalized if I said nothing and just let the poor man vent his frustrations. So many evenings spent tensely watching whatever he wanted as he wound down from a hard day of unemployment drinking can after can of beer that I'd bought in bulk hoping to save us money; waiting to see if the inevitable blowup would occur. I let this man scream at me, be mean to me, say horrid things and didn't stand up and say, enough! I sat in the passenger seat while he careened through traffic in a unfamiliar city, clutching the dashboard while he screamed in my ear that he couldn't find a parking spot and somehow it was all my fault. And after he was gone for good, I endured over a year of angry silence from my then teenage daughter because I kept letting him come back time and again, kept letting his poison permeate our lives.
I know different now, I was as much to blame.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I too had the anger and resentment and bitterness in spades. I feel your pain. I came to terms with my AH on my own because I reached a breaking point. I either had to turn my back on him and our relationship or it was going to kill me. That was a turning point in my marriage. I literally stopped the nagging, stopped the controlling, tried to avoid the engaging in arguments and blame. I was detaching but didn't know thats what it was. It saved me. If I had had Al Anon back then it would have helped me so much to understand what was going on AND to know I wasn't alone in my miserable life.
I used to hate my A with a passion to the point it sometimes scared me that I could feel so repulsed and so angry at someone I once loved and cherished and have four children with. My father was an A as well. I have gone through this same roller coaster of emotions where he is concerned. I grew up an angry and bitter child only to become an angry and bitter wife.
Al Anon has helped me more than I could have imagined. The steps, the slogans, the books, the helpful and caring people who have walked in my shoes, all of this has helped me so much in understanding my anger and in dealing with it. And I needed to purge that anger from my system because it was weighing me down and holding me back in all areas of my life. I'm new to Al Anon, this is a work in progress but I already feel so much better, so much healing from my childhood and I think that has helped me to also deal with my AH.
Stay involved here. Your heart is hurting now and may be for awhile. But when you begin to use the Al Anon tools you'll find relief.
We're all here to help each other. We've all lived with the stress and dysfunction of alcohol. We can't heal alone.
I totally understand your anger. Al anon allows us to have a choice about living with the A or not. Only we can make that choice. I don't live with my AH anymore. Al anon helps my anger to some degree. So does martial arts class. I knew when it was over for me.
Sounds like your AH is on his pink cloud. The longest my AH could stay sober was 3 months. Now, according to him, it's been about 6 months. That's only because I left him. (My opinion)
Try to keep the focus on you and your children. The anger only hurts us, not them. The A probably doesn't remember half of what they've put us through. It's been 12 years for me too.
In the beginning, Al anon helped me because I could hear other people share how they were going through the same crap I was.
Your wish is my command Pink. I so understand those feelings and they are oh so strong. My AH is currently living in a 3/4 way house and he is constantly riding the unicorn across the skittle filled rainbow, he gets so upset when I don't share in all his glory or pat him on the back for his current rehab adventure. It's so hard for me to acknowledge anything he is doing or tries to do with any type of happiness.... of course I tried to explain to him that I can't get on my knees and worship his six months of sobriety because I don't trust he really wants it and we will see how it goes after he is out of the court system, it's hard for me to praise him when he got his six month chip Sunday night and praised everyone who has saved his life and gotten him where he is today and not one word was dedicated to my part...he has a lot of self-centeredness going on still. I have however learned oh so many things in these rooms and my F2F.
First off, my anger is going away a little by little everyday. I attribute much of that to these rooms, literature and some really good friends I have met along the way. I completely understand not wanting to go to meetings, reading literature, participating and just walking away. I know for me I wouldn't drink the kool-aid when I first started attending group family therapy during one of my AH's inpatient rehab vacations. I fought against everything feeling as if I could handle this stuff on my own, dump and run and move on...I found out that where ever I go there I am. I also had to look at my behaviors, my character defects, my co-dependent tendacies and learn and I mean beat my head against a wall learning style that it is completely A-OK to take the focus off of my AH and put it directly on me.
I am working on looking at my AH as a child of God, rather than the messed up monster that duped me into marrying him. It's very strange and awkward for me to even be around him, which rather than get irritated and upset with, now I hold my tongue, listen and just watch his behaviors. I go home from my visits and write a list of pros and cons on why I am even trying to hang on to this relationship and then I turn it over to my HP.
I get angry, annoyed, depressed and much more for having to work my full time job, take care of my older than old home, my huge yard, my parents, my kid and on and on, I can now snap out of my pity party and look at what I have held together, I can be grateful to have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, a yard my dogs can play in, my folks who can still live at home, my kid who will finish college this year, a little grandbaby that makes the world beautiful, so my anger doesn't need to be about him any longer, I don't need to give him that power.
Many days I don't really even feel I love my AH to much anymore, then other days when we have more than 2 hours together uninterrupted by immature menchildren, I see glimpses of him and I love him to the moon and back. I want my AH to maintain his sobriety, to have a good life and not constantly feel the weight of his addiction, unfortunately the wreckage he left in his wake is not being cleaned up by him, not yet anyway...time will tell. I know that just for today I don't have to make any decisions on what to do with my deparate marriage. I can put on a good attitude, try my darndest to be kind when we speak and let everything else go. Keep coming back to these rooms, keep trying F2F al-anon meetings, don't give up on the literature or just reading the steps everyday. I can tell you first hand it helps so much. I send you much love, hugs and prayers.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
