help! husband relapsed after 15 years sobriety - Al-Anon Family Group

alice1 · Newbie

help! husband relapsed after 15 years sobriety

mm830 · Senior Member

Hi Alice I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know that I heard you and will be praying for you. We just can't control this stuff, which can be very tough.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

you say..........i told him he couldn't have both (a family and pot) and that he would have to pick one or the other. after an hour conversation, he angrily said i'd get my way. yesterday he destroyed the pot and pipe, but he is now very upset that i gave him the ultimatum. i have since apologized for giving him the ultimatum. i don't know if it is the right thing to do or not -- but i guess i felt it wasn't supportive of him, and may have hurt him more. but i'm still angry.

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Dear Alice, I just happened to be checking my pvt message and saw your post......

OK....did you or did you not mean your ultimatum???? if you meant it , it was very appropriate....who wants a druggie near them or their kids???? if you did NOT mean it then it was a boundary that you, yes, needed to say "did't mean that" and let it go....

it is very appropriate in my opinion to set a boundary when it comes to mine and my children's health, safety, well being and good and clean living...........if you want to live with a user,. that is your choice and each choice carries a consequence.....if you do not want to live with a user, then you say so and keep your word as to what you will do if he uses again.........

so you hurt him?? what did he do to you by using???? if i were you, i would work my program, go to the meetings....think hard on what you want and what you want for your children and go from there....don't act on an angry heart, but a thoughtful heart who is determined to back up what she says, otherwise your word will mean nothing to him........IF he keeps using and does not commit to sobriety and meetings and all of it, I guess you know that this will get worse.......good luck and I am glad you showed up and reached out......for sure, I did not intend to be on this site tonight, but seeing you , i am glad I stopped by..................PEACE

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board Alice. Relapses suck both to the alcoholic/addict and to the family and now you are dealing with what it is like living with one. This is where bizarre and insane came into play for me...How do I treat my normal/wife while she was being alcoholic/addict? I had to learn what and who I was dealing with at any one time...I learned I shouldn't attempt to see and expect my alcoholic/addict wife as if she was normal; not addicted. I got crazy and very sick...mind, body, spirit and emotions and eventually found the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups which was the very best thing that happened for me. I don't know if you have introduced yourself at any face to face Al-Anon meetings and I would highly suggest it at this time. Go to the white pages of you local telephone book and look under Al-Anon. Call that number to find out where and when we get together in your area and then come. Sit down and listen with an open mind and after the group ask questions of the fellowship including where and when the next meeting is. Leave your anxiety and fear and anger and such at the door...pick them back up when you leave if you like. I didn't. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Great posts from the others...to add, it might be helpful to get a cup of coffee or tea, get quiet and read through the many posts here. You will get a sense of what others have done to grab their piece of serenity pie biggrin

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH picked up drinking again after 15 years sober. Despite how difficult it's been, DUI and jail time included, I am grateful to him in some very weird ways. It was a serious reminder to me that I am NOT in control, I do not have the power to change someone else, and I am not responsible for someone else either. His drinking taught me a lot about myself, things I never would have learned had he not started drinking again. And, for that, I am truly grateful. Keep reading here and keep coming back! HUGS!

TillThen · Newbie

Hi Alice,

You did nothing wrong by pointing out to him the risks of the path he is choosing, but it's important to remember that you are not responsible for or in control of his addiction. You were lied to (manipulated), and owe no apology.

Ultimately, you can do nothing but make positive decisions for yourself and your children. The only thing I would have done differently was to have used "I" statements, instead of "you" statements. "I will not remain married to or rear children with an active addict, nor will I tolerate someone under the influence being in the same home as my children. You need to leave until your system is clear. I don't appreciate being alone, and the only sober parent to our children tonight, nor will I tolerate it intermittently. I deserve a sober, trustworthy partner."

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Alice! you have found a very special home here.

Well no you did not marry a pothead, you married an addict. With allll the things that come with that. Relapse being one, then all the symptoms of being an A.

We have a right to have boundaries. For me I find saying, "I have this boundary, no one will use any drug, including alcohol in my home, especially because I have kids!" then the finger is not at him.

Now for me, this is one drug that can affect me sooo easy. One puff I get into me from the air and i am a giggling idiot, so this is one drug that is a huge nono around me.

As far as them being loaded, stoned, on pot, hash whatever, same as alcohol, or whatever, if i choose to live with them, then they deserve the dignity to make their own choices. I believe in accepting everyone as is, since I cannot change anyone but me. It's not fair of me to tell anyone what to do.

I would make a boundary to not do it at home, not around the kids or me. But never say don't do it. I am not their parent, police, p.o. etc. Maybe put yourself in his place. Would telling you to stop work?

To lie, manipulate etc breaks down your relationship. being married to an A its a hard one! I believe, from my experience when I learned what he does is none of my business, and just loved him, he began opening up, was not afraid to let it all out. I finally got to where I could be around him all the time. But when he got unruly or obnoxious, I had a way out without stepping on his toes.

Its much harder with kids. To be honest when I had kids, he came around and caused one scary incident, I never allowed him around them. Got a restraining order. Myself, I will not have kids around using addicts. that is just me.

YES meetings for sure, keep coming here. love,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of encouragement and support for you here. Keep coming back.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Alice!

I don't know if you have a "right" to tell him to stop, but since you can't control him it won't do any good so it's just a waste of your time/energy and builds his resentment towards you.

However, to state what it makes you feel, I think is perfectly acceptable. And then to state if it is crossing a boundary - not being high around the kids, no weed in your living space, etc - is not only your right but even your duty so he knows where he stands. And so you can hear yourself say it out loud.

Only you can define what those boundaries are. Head for a F2F meeting and discuss it in greater detail and you can get those boundaries defined and supported.

Ken

alice1 · Newbie

thanks guys, for all of this. a lot of good stuff to think about. it is painfully obvious to me, that i keep putting myself at the center of all of this -- with my husband's depression in the past and now with his relapse. i always feel like he's doing something bad TO ME. once in awhile i will gain the insight that HE is the one who is hurting and in trouble, and it's not about me. . i DO love him and honor our marriage, and at these moments of clarity, i recognize that i should be there to help HIM through. . but what i find myself doing, is feeling hurt and holding back and/or giving him the cold shoulder and a hard time (because in my mind, HE'S the one who wronged ME, so he doesn't deserve my care, attention,. . . forgiveness??? not to mention. . who's going to help ME through??) ugh. i feel this thinking is wrong, i just don't feel strong enough to do the right thing.

last night for example, i broke down crying to him, that i'm there for him, but who's there for me?! (again -- wrong thinking. in my heart, i don't believe there should be a measuring stick to keep track of who's doing what for whom. but i can't help it!) i told him that i am checking in w him every day and making sure his needs are taken care of (i.e. if he is feeling stressed, telling him to take some time away, go skiing or whatever. making sure he has opportunities to get to AA meetings. .. life with a 3 year old ain't easy!! so i am trying to take some of the load off of him while he works through this) but i told him, i need someone for me too. he doesn't really do that. i realize he's sick and not well now. but honestly . .what about ME?! so selfish, maybe. but i'm trying to process stuff w my dad's death, and NOW this.

somebody had a great comment on here about how she was grateful for her husband's relapse b/c it taught her a lot about herself. WOW. i love that thought. i can identify. i realize the things i am confronted with here are the EXACT big life lessons i need to work on. but i wasn't ready right now. (i mean. . .really, universe. . .this is just bad timing. . hahahha!) just in a lot of pain now, guys. thanks for listening. i will keep checking in on here, and read through the other posts. thanks everyone.

-- Edited by alice1 on Tuesday 24th of December 2013 08:15:25 AM

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