Hi , so glad u found us , am sorry about your husbands relapse but I hope u know that you are not the reason this is happening, nothing u do or say would cause him to drink, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic this disease can be arrested but never cured. The first drink takes them right back to hell. The good news is you don't have to go with him. I hope u find some meetings quick give us a few months and then make a decission as to leave or stay,there is a good chance u will change your mind after starting to work the al anon program. Al -Anon is for you to make your life better don't take on the shame and guilt of your husb alcoholism it's simply not yours to carry. Leave the disease where it belongs with him.

Tears- threats - ultimatums just dont work your trying to solve a problem that isnt' yours to fix. In Al-Anon u will keep the focus on yourself and your needs by detaching with love and concern there is nothing u can do about his drinking but alot u can do for yourself.  The more meetings u can get to in a week the better u will feel. good luck   Louise

Our chat room is open 24-7 u will find the link on the home page of this site . hope to see u there soon. People will share what has worked for them in recovery and offer solutions to your delima . Once settled in our program you are never alone again. always someone to share your day with who understands exactly how u feel.  bye for now.

everything's up to you.

have you talked to your hubbie about it? what does he say? my first step would be to catch him in a sober (or at least semi sober) state of mind. talk to him about it. tell him how you feel. maybe he knows he "messed up" and just wants a little "push" to get some support to get help.

my second step would be to make up your mind about what would be best for you. know that ahead of time and stick to your guns. (that is hard)

and lastly, get some help for yourself. welcome here! find someone to talk to, go to meetings, and do stuff for you. i like to go to the gym, talk with friends, go shopping. i'm sure there are things that you wish you could do. DO THEM!

good luck. you can take some of what you like from this and leave the rest. i'm no expert, so like i said before...it's all up to you.

   flintfeet

Thank you all so much... I am going to go to Al Anon on Friday night and I will reach out here.. I feel less alone allready.. .. I hope I can connect and feel better.. I am willing to work and do what I have to do... for myself.. .. It is wonderful to have found this website...

I too relate so much. I am so sorry your A lost sobriety and I am so sorry you
are in so much pain.

It feels like part of you has been ripped away, and it has. When my A relapsed after a long period of sobriety and on a program, it was after a brain tumor removal.

Finally after a while of hell he left. I was devistated, scared, sick, alone and felt as
if my abdomen had a hole in it. I also had to rent my home to not lose my place. I lived in
a sunny room in my barn for months. Was rough.

What kept me sane was escaping into the chat room for hours. When I had to go out
I would concentrate as best as i could on whatever the chore was. But thank
fully I had a month to sorta go thru the pain and start being able to move my body.
The chat room became my haven/sanctuary. i was so involved i felt I was there. WE
laughed and cried and supported each other.

So please, this is a loss, many losses, you are grieving. If people ask, tell them
you have a broken heart, which is true. Cry when ya need to, sleep when ya need to.

You will be very tired and need a lot of rest. IF you cannot eat, keep water by you
all the time. go to a nutrition store and get the kind that has vitamins in it. Get
some nutritional drinks. The key is simple. Take care of your primary needs.

I was so sick all I could eat was cold canned enchiladas and Gushers these fruit roll up kinds things. I went down 3 sizes. I was starving and anorexic so believe me, it was not
healthy. I have some serious medical problems and the sadness almost killed me.

Plus I was so poor as the A left me with all the bills, I am talking his bills. I have been paying his
unpaid taxes since 1999. I had no idea he stopped paying them. My taxes were taken
out of my pay. He was a contractor.

What makes you feel good? Simple things? For me it is raising two pups or kittens. I read books
It was hell. As my mom died about the same time. She was my best bud. Only 17 years
older than me.

Be careful what you tell your friends. They will not understand. When you learn
alanon skills you may feel totally differently toward your A. You may learn to realize it is a disease no different than any other. But your friends/family may come to hate him fro
all the things the disease makes him do.

He is not doing this to hurt you, he is doing it becuz he is sick.

Ok just reread your post.What do you do with a drunk?

We make boundaries. We all have different programs as to implement them.

All I can do is tell you what i do. At first the smell of alcohol made me sick, his acting retarded it made me sick.

I feel my husband, no matter what is the sexiest, most loving, most attractive man.
to see him so opposite was awful.

But I learned it was a disease, all the stuff I learned here made me do this:

If he was drunk, I would still cook for him and me, or we would still cook together.
I would sit on the love seat with him and we would still hold hands. He would talk
a lot, he is usually super quiet. He usually fell asleep.

I would not take him anywhere with me. I would not have anyone over. I would not
leave him alone here as i have animals. he constantly left gates open.Herding
3 llamas two miles partly on a busy road is not fun or funny. It happened 3 times.

He also let my dogs out and we have cougars next door.

I would not baby him,not respond to anything negative about he did not feel good.

If I did not feel comfortable with him or what he was saying, I said well I know who
or what is talking now, and go to bed to watch tv or take a shower or read, or go to
the barn. I have my own full life so it was no big deal. Would rather have him home safe.

the problem came when he began getting horribly abusive. He was terribly abused as a
child as was his own family. he could lose it some when he was sober, but not to
the point of inappropriateness. But when he drank it was not safe for me and my animals.

Abuse is not from being A. He just sadly has that problem too.

So when he got abusive I would have to have him leave. He would go to his moms or where ever. Usually felt so guilty he would not come back.

WE talked about it and decided we would build a small addition or something so when he
did get that way, he would go there. To that point I could see it coming.

This last time he got me horribly and hurt me,probably permanently. He came the next tweek end to talk and told me he could control it. I told him no you cannot. NOt 30 min. later he was shaking his finger in my face. That was that. I told him to leave.

so now I cannot even have him here one night. that is a major boundary.

sadly this vietnam war vet is going to jail/prison becuz of 5 dui's. He may be at bottome now. he has lost everything but his life.

Hopefully hp will guide him to work on him. He is already going to AA on his own. He knows it is the only answer. I am glad he got caught. To me it is the best rehab he could get
as the stupid month ones or even 6 month ones are not long enough.

woops got off track,that is me.

so fill your life with YOU. Warm things, pretty things, nice bathroom things, flowers
friends, love, hugs lotsa hugs. cry go to meetings. if you have a good noncritical
friend, non judgemental, cry and talk to them.

do what you love, give yourself what you would give someone else in your position.

In your head see you sitting with your head down crying, sobbing. What can
you do to make her feel better. LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO DO IT.

Please keep coming back. love,debilyn

Welcome Nina,

You are not alone. Keep coming back. 

Jennifer