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I'm new to this forum, so I'm not entirely sure if this is in the right spot, but here I go (I apologize in advance for the length):
I am currently 18, and have been estranged from my father for 7 years now. He was a violent, abusive alcoholic who beat my mother and forced my mother, my older brother, and me to frequently spend the night in hotels to escape from him. I was always afraid of him and dreaded him coming home. Finally when I was 9 my mother got her master's degree and was able to leave my father after years of him abusing her and cheating on her. He moved out and my brother and I would stay at his place on weekends, but he was always drunk, putting our lives in danger (driving drunk with us, passing out and leaving the doors unlocked, leaving me with shady women he was dating, etc), and just generally making us feel uncomfortable and uneasy around him. When I was 11 we had a huge fight in which he called me horrible names and wouldn't let me call my mother to pick me up, and I decided right then and there that I would not deal with him anymore. I walked out of his life for good, and it was easy. He stopped paying child support shortly after that and now owes us tens of thousands of dollars, and he continually tried to make me feel like our estrangement was MY fault, and not because of his drinking. Lots of stuff has happened in these past 7 years that I can't even begin to describe, which just made me hate him more and more. After finally realizing he has a drinking problem, he has gone to countless treatment centers and rehabs, only to relapse again and again. He writes me letters every so often to brag about being one month sober, as though I'm supposed to be impressed and let him back into my life. I ignore them, and sure enough, the next time I hear from him he's drunk once again. I have never regretted my decision to cut him out of my life. But then this summer happened:
In June my best friend in the world and I had a huge falling out. Long story short, he was going through some stuff that I didn't even know about or consider, and wanted time to himself. I freaked out because I thought he didn't want to be my friend anymore out of the blue, and I acted crazy. Finally after weeks of fighting, he told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and to get out of his life. I was crushed. He was my very best friend. We spent so much time together, and he was never anything but wonderful to me. A couple weeks after our friendship ended, I started realizing things about myself. I realized that I was a terrible friend to this wonderful person. To everyone, for that matter. I was constantly mean and judgmental, calling him stupid all the time. But yet I was desperately clingy. I wanted him to tell me he loved me constantly even though I knew he didn't like to (he is gay, for one, and is uncomfortable telling anyone he loves them). I wanted to hang out all the time and just do nothing. And it was because of my father that I was so attached. My friend was the only man in my life that was nothing but good to me, and I was so worried that he would leave me like everyone else, that I subconsciously sabotaged our beautiful relationship. The point is, I realized I didn't like myself, and I completely understood why he didn't want to be my friend anymore. Basically, I realized that all the traits I hated about myself were the same ones I hated about my father. I realized I have "daddy issues", even though I thought cutting him out of my life would spare me from them. It was a really painful realization. So, I took the whole summer to try to change into someone I liked. I made a list of traits that I don't like about myself, and a list of traits that I wanted to have. I've learned to be independent and not rely on someone else to feel validated. And I think I've done pretty well. But now I've been thinking: I was told to get out of someone's life that I truly cared about, and it was devastating, but it was completely my fault. That hurts. But now I've changed, and I've decided that in October I'm going to try to talk to my friend again. It seems simple to try to talk to someone you were once so close to, but I feel pretty hopeless. He's really stubborn, and the last he knew of me, I was acting like a psycho. It seems like he would never want to hear me out, and I can't blame him for that. But I miss him so much.
Then I think about my father. The last time I heard from him he had written me a 9 page letter from a rehab when he was one or two months sober. I ignored it. Then, my mom recently tried to take him to court to garnish his checks if he ever gets a job, but she couldn't find out where he was living. Just last week she called him and surprisingly, he answered. He told her where he was living and said he was 26 months sober. He asked about my brother and me, and gave my mom his current address to send him the court papers.
I've been connecting what happened between my father and me to what happened to my friend and me, and it's so eerily similar. I've had this plan to write my father a letter and get all my feelings out and finally let all my hate go, but I wasn't going to send it because I didn't know where he was living. Now I've been thinking: was my mom getting his address a sign that I should send it? More importantly, is it a sign that I should open up a communication with him? I now know what it's like to lose someone because of your faults, and for the first time ever, I almost feel bad about cutting my father out of my life. The thing is, I don't want him back in my life. I don't want to talk to him. I know my life is better without him. He damaged me, and I can't remember the last time I felt love for him (if ever). But am I supposed to let him back into my life? I feel like I deserve what happened between me and my friend because I did the same thing to someone else. It doesn't make sense to never forgive my father, and at the same time expect my friend to forgive me. It doesn't make sense that someone should believe that I've become a better person, while I never give my father a chance to prove that he might have changed as well.
As you can see, I'm really, really confused right now. I'm looking in to attending some Al Anon meetings soon because I think people who have dealt with addicts can help me better than anyone. Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks so much if you read all of this.
Ann
-- Edited by raggedyann on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 11:39:57 PM
Alcoholism pulls everyone around it down into the insanity. Al-Anon is about learning to use new tools and tackling our own recovery. After everything we've been through, we can use recovery and a new chance at serenity as much as the alcoholic.
A face-to-face meeting would be a wonderful resource for you. Get the literature, read all the threads on these boards, find a sponsor at your meeting, and work the steps. That will get your own recovery well underway. When we have tools and recovery, we have what we need to tackle anything challenging. And however far your father is into recovery, your history with him means that it won't be a simple task to forge a new healthy relationship with him. You may choose not to, and maybe that's a wise choice. Or you may decide you want to, providing he stays sober and in a recovery program. Either way, the tools of Al-Anon will help you negotiate the complexities. The same for your relationship with your friend.
I hope you'll start working your own program. Many of us have found it a life-saver. I hope you'll keep coming back. Hugs.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress You can certainly express yourself well and have truly searched your soul and discovered powerful truths about yourself. Your willingness to be honest, and share with such clarity indicates that you a ready to seek help with an open mind.
As you no doubt realize alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are all powerless. I am so sorry that you endured such pain in your early childhood and respect the actions you took to take care of yourself. It is good that Dad is now sober for over 2 years and is being honest with his life.
As you have noted, having lived with the disease of alcoholism we, the family, become affected negatively and need a program of recovery. Alanon is that program. It is very difficult to change on our own even when we have the best intentions Before taking any action toward your best friend or your dad, I urge you to seek out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend Check the white pages for the listing.
In alanon I learned how to break the isolation caused by the disease, developed new insights into living and new constructive tools to live by. All these changed my inner response system and I became more confident, less needy, trusting in a Higher Power and the rooms I grew in courage, serenity and wisdom
I urge you to keep coming back and keep reaching out
I understand We who have lived with the disease of alcoholism have experienced reacting to situations in a negative manner and carry much guilt and shame because of it. I too wanted to immediately fix the situations because Ii felt so terrible about what I had done. I tried to do just that and was unsuccessful The reason for this is that I did not have the appropriate tools to interact with people in a constructive equal manner.
The reason we all suggested alanon meetings is because it is here and in working the 12 Steps that I learned how to accept myself, and was given tools to change and learn how to make amends to others
Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for your past actions and believe there is hope and that positive change can be achieved.
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 29th of August 2013 10:04:16 AM
Dear Ann, Your name (raggedyann) brings me feelings of sadness for you. And I am taken with your ability to connect the dots within your life. Most people leave the planet without the clarity to see what you have seen. Having said that, I am sorry for the trauma you have experienced. I agree 100% with the other responses you have received and I wish you the very best. Keep coming back here for support.
Thank you all for your support. I will be looking for some local Al Anon meetings today. One reason I posted on this forum, though, was because my story is quite long and I thought I could maybe get some one-one-one advice about my situation here? I can't stop feeling so guilty about treating my wonderful friend the way I did. Now I see him around campus and he won't even look at me. I'm so scared that when I approach him he'll turn me away. I know that friendships come and go and that I will meet new people, but it kills me to know that I ruined such a great friendship that could have lasted a lifetime. And I'm terrified that this is in a way my punishment for turning my back on my father.
Ann~ you did what was right for your with your dad, this is not payback or Karma with having lost your friend...we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it with having been affected by the family disease of alcoholism....BE EASY ON YOU...get to those meetings, through working the steps you will know when its right for you to make amends to your friend...and you will be strong enough to handle whatever the outcome of that amend is:) You are already changing, You are amazing! Don't lose sight of that, we all may mistakes and then make some more...Your higher power has already forgiven you , forgive yourself....:) you are worth it!
My experience is that only I punish myself when I've made mistakes or think I've made mistakes in relationship to other people. Your friend had a part to play in your relationship, too. But, his part doesn't matter right now. My ever-evolving relationship to my HP has helped me experience a whole different HP than the one I was introduced to in parochial school many years ago. My experience has also been that punishment never changes minds or hearts. Behaviors might change but the thoughts and feelings behind those initial behaviors will remain the same. What has helped me make changes in my lifetime were experiences of being allowed to experience consequences of my own choices and being loved through those experiences by my HP and people who truly cared about me. Al-Anon and ACOA meetings help provide us with safe, caring people who will help guide us through the Steps, share their experiences, strength and hope and show us a new way to think and therefore feel and behave from the inside out. As you can see, we all give the same advice - we've learned that nothing else has worked for long - and we don't get punished if it takes us a little while to get into the meeting rooms and into the program. We just delay our own healing and growth towards serenity.
Welcome to the family of MIP. Keep coming back. Lots of encouragement and support for you as you make choices you believe are right for you now.
If it were me and my friend, I would write a letter acknowledging the pain I had caused him, how deeply sorry I am, how much anguish I have been experiencing when I think about the way I had treated him, and ask him for his forgiveness. I would mention how grateful I am for the time we spent together and will miss him if he never wants to speak to me again. I would also acknowledge the insights I have had that caused my behavior and what my plans were to heal. Speak from your heart, as you did in your post...on some level he will hear you. He may never speak to you again, but at least you have owned up to what happened and you will be taking some action to free you from the pain of your past. There is no punishment in place here except that which you are placing on yourself. You are too precious to continue on this path...clean up this situation and do the best you can to bless and release. You never know what you may do for your friend through your honesty....this could be a grace filled act that could set him free in some way. This letter can be a courageous act of love. Blessings sweetie.
Aloha Ann...It's good to read such willingness to fix some stuff that's going on in your life. Its also good to hear that not all of your life is so screwed up that it cannot be fixed. If you read more on this board you will read some real miracles that happened to others that never thought it would come about and then we can be wrong huh? Like your thinking and feeling about your bestest friend and how good a guy he is and has been with you. I'll bet you're right and my experience has been that when people are that good...they are always that good...You'll learn how to make a proper apology more down the line. I am surprised that you have already found a way to make amends...the self changing we always strive for...Good for Ann!! cause that works big time.
Here's a different angled perception which might help. Your Dad? Hope says you do love him and will come to love him more and that what you hate is what he has done. I learned that myself. I found out that basically human beings love to be loved and love to be loving and that is natural...in our spiritual genes you might say and so I did my homework like you've been doing yours and discovered that I really hated what friends and family had done which was hurtful and the willingness to be loving still had me loving the persons. After all I discovered...as long as I had memory they would always be there and it was better that I liked and loved having them there inspite of the trash they could do at times.
Yep I had some intrenched long time resentments and found out the only person that got sick over them was me. I never was able to get back at those people because it was only my resentments.
So Daddy's got 28 months this time....2 years and 4 months....850 days and thosands of hours and he has agreed to do payback on the unpaid child support?!! That's huge ...dont you think? maybe as huge as what you're try to do. Almost like saying that you and Dad are moving toward making it right. Which one would you like to win the attempt most? If you both do than for you it is a win/win situation huh? And then whats good is that you came here today to reach out to a family of strangers and asked for advise which we never give cause all we do is suggest what only we have done ourselves. We have ourselves to some degree gone thru what you are going thru and what your mom is going thru and your best friend and your Dad and of course Ann. You are in very good company now. I want to hear you talk of your first meetings and how the things you get from this board change your life for the better like it does ours.
