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This is my first post here. I'm reaching out in hopes this community can help me understand alcoholism better and learn how to help my boyfriend.
We have been together for nearly 7 years and alcoholism has only been an issue for the past 1.5 - 2 years. He started drinking heavily after getting a DUI and a separate weed charge placed him on probation and he couldn't smoke to cope anymore. So he started drinking to cope with life.
He's also still dealing with feelings related to a traumatic incident where we found his brother nearly dead, overdosed on heroin. His brother survived, but had part of his leg amputated due to complications surrounding the overdose.
Several months ago, my boyfriend admitted he had a drinking problem. I was oblivious as to how bad it was. Only did he start to do something about it until 3 months ago when his probation officer forced him into a 3 week outpatient alcohol abuse program.
He started a new, high-stress job, and didn't stay sober too long after the program was over. He happily went back to his schedule of drinking everyday and continued to cover-up how severe the problem was.
I spent the night with him drinking one night, and when I woke up in the morning he had started drinking again. It was mid-day and this confused me. He said this is what he did everyday. He got progressively more drunk into the early evening, but then broke down and said he needed help.
To avoid the health risks of sobering up, he did an inpatient detox program at a local hospital. He realized how easy it was to slip back into the grips of alcohol again and was determined not to drink again when he detoxed.
Last night he revealed to me that he had been drinking again. I was shocked. He HIDES it so well, drinking right in front of me without me knowing! He has been drinking the past three days and just detoxed 2-3 weeks ago.
He is still taking the pills prescribed to him while he was in the hospital detoxing (which I think is not a good idea) and drinking. One drug is supposed to reduce the urge to drink, but he takes it and still ends up drinking. Is he just being weak? Should he fight harder?
He is NOT denying he has a problem, but he feels helpless and keeps falling victim to his addiction. I told him he needs to go to meetings EVERY DAY and find a therapist he can connect to. I think he needs to talk about what happened with his brother because it's a weight he carries around and hasn't discussed with a professional yet.
I don't know how to help him anymore. I told him I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. He says he doesn't want to either, but he doesn't know what will help him.
I would like to know what ways I can help him and what steps he needs to take in his lifestyle to ensure the greatest chance of success.
I'm sorry for writing so much. I hope you all take the time to read it.
If your bf has been through that many programs, I doubt very much that he doesn't "know" what he has to do, but I would suggest that he just isn't at the point of truly wanting his sobriety just yet... 90 meetings in 90 days is a great start, and he will get a great start onto his sobriety..
So, enough about him - what are you doing for you, and for YOUR recovery? Al-Anon meetings are a wonderful place for you to start, along with posting on here, reading great books on the subject, etc..
Glad you found us, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((Everly)))) Welcome to the board and I hope you hang around for a long time because there are some major practicers of recovery here. Mostly we practice the "spouse, friend, family, associate" side of alcoholism...those who are affected by someone else drinking. Then too some of us are "doubles" meaning we hold membership and practice both the Al-Anon Program and the AA program. I am one of those...born and raised within the drinking using family I made major attempts for many reasons to fix my alcoholic/addict relatives which included drinking with them. I also married the women I drank with and an alcoholic spouse isn't a rational choice everly usually neverly and then the matter for me is mute...I did marry first and addict and then and alcoholic addict and I habitually did alot of dangerous drinking on my own.
It was in Al-Anon that I learned the definiton of alcoholism both from the AMA (American Medical Association) and from the fellowship. I was also so very intrigued at how powerful and baffling the chemical was that I went to college on it. What your boyfriend has and what you are living with is an old disease and it pre-dates the life of the Christ by thousands of years. It is a progressive and fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. The progressive nature of the disease is such that if the alcoholic were to quit drinking for some period of time and then restart it would be as if they had never stopped and very often it will be worse. It is said and we know that if the alcoholic does not arrest this disease by total abstinence most likely they will go insane (alcohol dementia or die). Their other choice is sobriety...life without the influence of all mind and mood altering chemicals. We the spouses, friends, family and associates have much the same three choices as the alcoholic...serenity, insanity or death...we have a higher rate of insanity because we don't have the chemical to block out reality and therefore go thru the insanity without any anesthesia. Alcoholism is named "cunning, powerful and baffling" and for me it is all of that and more considering that the 12 step recovery programs are in most major countries on the planet.
I suggest you call the Al-Anon hotline number in your area from the white pages of your local telephone book. Find out where and when we get together to help each other overcome and live free of the affects of someone elses drinking whether they are active or not. You boyfriend can also find the hotline number for AA central in the same section of the phone book. You start...see if he follows your cue and do it for yourself.
Keep coming back here and letting us know how you are progressing. ((((hugs))))
So, enough about him - what are you doing for you, and for YOUR recovery? Al-Anon meetings are a wonderful place for you to start, along with posting on here, reading great books on the subject, etc..
OH I could not agree with Tom more......this is about you, what are you going to do for you??? I would urge you to find a fac2fac meeting alanon and go to as many meetings as you can manage....I would do for the first 3 months a meeting a day...I did that...And I am so glad...now I don't go as much but I still go to meets, online b/c there is no alanon group in my area anymore, but online or fac2fac is a must.....
also I would get literature on the 12 steps and alanon literature and books....also I would find a sponsor
You can't do anything about him, for him, help him?? you can't......there is the 3 C's......you didn't cause this....you cannot control his drinking, and you darn sure cannot cure him,
BUT, you can change you...Find out why you are settling for a relationship with an alkie who obviously is not ready for total commitment to recovery OR he would be in meetings, not hiding his drinking....He would be looking for a sponsor to guide him in his recovery
I would find out, If I were you, what is it in MY life and my past and my thinking processes, that causes me to pick someone with this kind of sickness an the difficulties you would face....the drink will always be his #1 unless he gets active in AA for at least a couple of years in my opinion, from what I have seen
I was married TWICE to alcoholics b/c I did not think I deserved any better...my parents abused alcohol, my siblings abused alcohol.....I lived with it...grew up with it....thought it was the only way of life
UNTIL i found alanon....NOW, the drunks and the druggies and dysfunctional "fixer uppers" do not turn me on....I see a man or even a friend abusing any substance??? I am outta there....
The percentages of "making it work" with an active alkie is slim to zero.....the only chance you have is to get into alanon and work on you....and learn how to live healthy.....
Alanon is for you and your improvement of your life....You can only change you...You can only improve your life working on you....
He has to walk his own journey....We all do....We all have choice...Alanon helps us to learn how to make healthier choices......
I do hope you keep coming back...read the posts...absorb the love and the wisdom from folks who have been there, done that and please, get into alanon meetings and work the literature and the 12 steps.....It saved my life and my sanity.....Really...I was a mess until I came here and surrendered myself to this program.....
Please keep coming back....we are listening.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You already told him what I would tell him and I am a recovering person. "Go to meetings every day!" So if he's not doing that, it's because he doesn't want to.
I could not envision a sober life when I started going to AA but I somehow achieved it a day at a time. I'm sure he has lots of fears, maladaptive coping mechanisms, and a big genetic predisposition towards addiction. You already know these things it sounds like. What's left to do? Let go and focus on you. Is he really asking for your help? No. He's really asking for you to feel sorry for him and to put up with him drinking even if he partially wants to stop because he doesn't want it bad enough to follow through on recovery. Anyone that works has a high stress job. That is some bullcrap right there. Add to that, we all have traumatic memories and have been in car crashes - lost loved ones... That is sad, but we don't wreck our own lives and hurt those around us through self-destructive substance abuse in response to those losses/traumas. So that is some BS too. If you really buy his excuses for drinking, you stop seeing it for what it is. Straight up addiction. Period. We all come into AA thinking OUR reasons for drinking so much were more legit and "if you only had MY job, MY family, and MY circumstances, have been through what I have....blah blah." He is just a generic alcoholic like all alcoholics. In AA, he'd realize that his problems are not so unique and he's just a garden variety drunk - alcoholism being the cheif problem - but again - that's for him and, God willing that is down the road for him.
I very much agree that going to alanon is absolutely the best thing you can do here. It will model recovery for him if he's going to do it, but more than that - it will be just for you. It will help you turn that energy and worry away from things you cannot control (him and his addiction) and have faith instead. From there, you will feel better, make better choices, feel more spiritually grounded, and gain support from healthier folks rather than trying to get your needs all met from a person that can't cope with life without running to a bottle. Going to alanon won't make him stop drinking. Nothing you do will. Again---do it for yourself and take step 1 which is essentially recognizing you are powerless over alcohol (his alcoholism).
(((Everly))) And with all that has been said here, I want to add there is always hope for you - and for him. We have a slogan in Al-Anon, Let it Begin with Me. We may want our loved one to get into recovery in earnest, but its us who can start the ball rolling in recovery for ourselves. It's not an easy process, but we do make progress one day at a time. Lots of support and encouragement coming your way.
Thank you all for your inspiring words. I really appreciate the support. You all offered such great advice.
I've been in therapy for a number of years so I latch on well to the idea that you can only help yourself and you can change anyone else. I work on myself in a number of ways because I want to be a happy, healthy person. One of my faults is wanting to help those I love. My boyfriend is the only alcoholic around me so it's difficult to figure out where to draw the line. I know he is the only one who can truly help himself. He has to do the work. I just feel like a bystander sometimes.
I've been to one Al-Anon meeting so far, but I am definitely going to look into more. I liked being around other people who were dealing with the same issues. It was a very loving a supportive community, even though I only got a glimpse inside.
Just wanted to say thank you all again! This has been a very warm welcome into these forums. I look forward to sticking around here for awhile.
It sounds like you are on the road to recovery and have a good head on your shoulders. I, too, want to help the ones I love, I just did not know what that looked like..I had my own addiction of co-dependency which about killed me. Once you get into recovery you will begin to see that there are more alcoholics around you than you ever thought! One Day at a Time and keep the focus on the fabulous YOU.
"One of my faults is wanting to help those I love. My boyfriend is the only alcoholic around me so it's difficult to figure out where to draw the line. I know he is the only one who can truly help himself. He has to do the work. I just feel like a bystander sometimes."
Hey there is nothing wrong w/wanting to give a "boost" to someone, but they gotta help themselves....I watch...if they want to help themselves, then I am all for support, encouragement, giving my ESH , but they gottta do the rest...If i see no energy on their part and its all me doing the helping???? I stop....
IF we help them with stuff that is their responsibility, then we rob them of the lessons they need to learn in life about taking responsibility for their lives....
My wanting to "help" in the old coda days was really my need to be in control of them disguised as a helper....NOT good for me....NOT good for them
Now I watch and if a person really is struggling and trying and WANTS to help themselves, Fine..I will give support....
there is a big difference between helping one w/a burden that they cannot overcome vs carrying their life's knapsack when they can carry it....and even with those burdens, we gotta be careful not to "give too much" so they don't grow from their lessons............does that make sense????? I need my bowl of raisin bran....I think hunger is one of those " H A L T " issues, I need to address....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
