The material presented
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Hello - This is my first post in this group. My husband of 10 years is a RAH- he started trying a few years back, had some relapses, but is finally going to AA and appears to be getting something from it- I am relieved and I feel blessed that he is doing this- We have a 2 and 3 year old and they deserve a whole family and a complete daddy.
However, previously, all of my life, ive been the embodiment of peace and tranquility, when things got tough, I got calm, I held it all together. Now I am full of anger and resentment.
It seems like my husband thinks that everything should just be fine now since he is taking steps, but now since I've had a moment to breath with his sobriety, Im angry. I feel like he is feeling sorry for himself more often than not. If his neck doesnt hurt its a back ache, if not that, his anxiety is acting up. It seems like its still all about him. He keeps asking me "what more do you want from me", wants to get angry with me for expressing myself and equally angry with me when I put on my "fake smile, like everything is allright."
My grandfathers were both alcoholics, my dad RAH, my sister is in relapse after 9 years of sobriety. You'd think i'd have some clue.......But I have never been an alcoholic, so I admit I dont know what he's going through. He has never dealt with his issues from his still alcoholic, non communicative mother, so it seems he wants me to just forget the past. Not bad advice- I feel like i've got a million ideas of how to deal and none are right. What can I do, how can I deal. Is this selfishness on my part>? Part of me wants him to know how it felt to carry him for all of those years, though I know nothing will come of that.
Im So angry-
Just so lost right now.
I need to find peace.
-- Edited by Alea on Saturday 27th of April 2013 12:01:10 AM
Not bad advice- I feel like i've got a million ideas of how to deal and none are right. What can I do, how can I deal. Is this selfishness on my part>?
Hi Alea.. just my own ESH... no, selfishness not. I have been around Alanon for 30 years, and I am still learning stuff. I have never gotten to the bottom of my anger... ...to the bottom of my grief... ...or to the bottom of my joy. Its emotional and joined to me like nothing else.
What helps me is having healthy relationships, and healthy friendships, and to talk, talk, talk. Had to learn to do this, to move away from rotten relationships in the past... one day at a time. Talking care of our own life, and our own emotions is important...
Aloha Alea...Welcome to the board....Vegas must have tons of Face to Face Al-Anon Family Groups (for family, friends and associates of alcoholics) meetings available. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look the hotline number (Al-Anon) and call it to find out where and when we get together in you area. Like me you can and may learn how to deal with your anger and resentment there and also find a whole bunch of other lovely people to hang with who are not your husband with all of his whinning. Alcoholismm is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease...you don't get to outthink it or outmaneuver it cause it's way too powerful. You get to sit with others who have been where you are at right now and who will share their stories and experiences with you about what it was like, what they learned and how it changed afterward. If they have some of the like understanding I got; you get to learn that if feeling anger and resentment is driving you mad you can learned to feel the opposites and get opposite results. I hated anger and resentment and learned acceptance and forgiveness as the opposites which changed my outcomes from negatives to positives and insanity to sanity and serenity. My sponsorship taught me about "opposites" and also taught me how to work them and then the anger went away along with that strong feeling of old disgust and hatred I had for my alcoholic/addict wife.
Al-Anon has tons of literature to help also along with the fellowship and many of the fellowship also come here to MIP to help and be helped. We're family and we care for each other.
Keep coming back...this does work when you work it. Next time he comes to you complaining? ...ask him if he wants some cheese with his whine. LOL learned that in program also. Give yourself time. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all. I had a particularly bad day yesterday. Some are bad, most I make the best of. I just started reading the. Pares yesterday. I went to alanon family classes when I was a child for my fathers part. I have been looking locally. It looks like ill be doing meetings in the morning, then pass off the kids and my husband will continue his normal AA classes in the afternoon. We do love each other madly and we will make this work, but I now know I have just as much work ahead of me as he does. Thank you again. I will remain a regular here. I was brought to tears last night reading others testimony, so wonderful to know we are all in stages of a personal struggle that we can prevail through.
We have learned to live just one day at a time....Living in the future is not a serious endeavor...If we do good today the chances are real that the future will be miraculous; beyond our most wildest dreams. ((((hugs))))
I have never gotten to the bottom of my anger... ...to the bottom of my grief... ...or to the bottom of my joy. Its emotional and joined to me like nothing else.