The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just need to share tonight. Nearly three weeks ago, I posted a couple of times. I was feeling so smart and empowered by what I was learning at Al-Anon. I made good healthy steps and difficult choices. I stopped arguing with him, mostly, when I knew he'd been drinking. I tried to listen more fully to him when he wasn't drinking, tried to stop feeling resentful and angry over past hurts and infidelities. Didn't get in the middle of things when his brother fired him from the small family business where he had been working part time. Kept my cool when I saw him taking more money out of the checking account to spend on his nips. Stopped searching the house for his hidden bottles and marijuana.
And he has changed too, I guess. Now that we no longer argue about the drinking, he hasn't stormed out to go to the bar. He hasn't spent the night sleeping in his car, or on a friend's floor or couch. He hasn't, as far as I can know, been back to the strip club, or talked to the woman he'd been drinking with the night I followed him to the local bar. He's been to a couple, maybe three AA meetings since I started to detach and really work my program.
But, some things have not changed. He still drinks. Not every day, but nearly every other. He barely has time to sober up, before he starts in again. And now he doesn't leave the house, he just holes up in the basement, with the tv or stereo playing, smoking his pot and drinking his tequila for hours and hours.
The last few days have been especially tense, and as I read and reflected on my Al-Anon readings this morning, I resolved to really detach with love today, and say only kind and loving things to him no matter how differently I might feel inside. I truly have tried to be aware of my words today, and I know that I haven't been sharp or condescending today. I haven't sighed or rolled my eyes. I truly have tried my best to be loving. This afternoon, he headed out to do some errands, which I know is just code for stopping at the bar. Nonetheless, I didn't complain or scold when he came back three hours later drunk. I said hello, and then went up to my office, leaving him be, alone in his basement with his music and whatever else. After a few hours, I opened the basement door, just to ask him if wanted any dinner. I didn't even get the words out, when he barked "Leave Me Alone!!". So I stopped, and said, "What's going on?", and he just said, "Please, leave me alone". So I did, I turned around and quietly closed the basement door.
What I'm realizing now, is that we don't have much to talk about. We've been arguing and nasty to each other for so long, or making up and feeling guilty after arguing - fighting and apologizing are our primary modes of communication. Now we hardly talk, and it is very sad. I love him very much, and I pray that he will see how this disease is destroying him and our marriage, but I am afraid that this disease may be unstoppable. I know that I need to continue to focus on myself and my own recovery, but still, I am very very sad tonight.
Thank you all for your kind words, your sharing, and your support. This group has been a life-saver for me.
Aloha Paris Memories and Yay for your working it...Practice Practice Practice gets us progress and never perfection. When I was where you are at now I also got great support in learning how to live the program. Some of the best support was the encouragement that I was recovering for me and not for her. I wasn't doing it to show or reveal anything to her or so that she would come to and start seeing the value in anything and follow my lead into recovery. In fact early on I actually did it worse and caused my alcoholic/addict wife to "go back out on another 5 year plus run". I didn't know enough and didn't have enough experience and was still focused in the wrong direction. Detachment I learned for me was focusing ahead of the disease and walking off in that direction. When I got out of her way entirely...she got clean and sober in her nad her HP's own time which is how it was supposed to be before I even met her. Good work for yourself. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your honesty and clarity Owning the sadness and sharing it helps to dimish the impact. I hear a great deal of Awareness and Acceptance in your posting and know that these are both hard and painful places to own. Keep taking care of yourself, work the program It will get better.
Maybe alittle helpful support? "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers"...not being trite because that is truely an alcoholic/addict situation you are in and to some extent you are powerless over what has happened. You can do something about what may happen in the future which is what I learned in recovery rather than continue to be the surprised victim like I was back then. I separated myself from my alcoholic/addict financially and notified the financial companies of the situation. I told them I would no longer responsible her charges and if the charges where in regard to merchandise they could contact her to get the merchandise back. I also put a notice in the paper, three times in 10 days (required) that I wasn't any longer responsible for any debts with her name on them and told them all that there were no mutual accounts regardless of what was stated on the card or contract. She wasn't charging for "we" it was "she" only. That took a ton of crises off of my life. My alcoholic/addict spouse use to raid the savings account for thousands just over a weekend. It is insane and what your gut is telling you is the truth...don't even try to second guess yourself about what may or may not be happening. Ask him if he will take out a personal loan to correct the deficit and make up for the "non-mutual" charges. If you didn't benefit from the purchase and wasn't aware of it; it's all on him...that's theft. The program helped me to "be strong" for myself and I am grateful. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 10:15:13 PM
You are getting some great awareness. And I am in awe of your acceptance without anger. Sadness is a perfectly natural feeling and I think I would worry about you if you were not sad. This is such a sad disease.
I looked at the bank account today and saw over $1200 in cash withdrawals in the past two weeks. He said it was for groceries, gas, an oil change, and my moisturizer that he picked up for me at CVS. (??!!) I told him that wasn't logical, and would appreciate him being honest about where the money was going. He just denied any issue and stared at me blankly. Then I saw our joint credit card, which I don't use, is maxed out since November, at over $10K. He says that all those charges were to pay bills. Makes no sense at all.
I left the room calmly. He sat and stewed for an hour or so, and then just announced he was going out for a walk. Craziness.
I'm angry, but not raging. More just deflated, as I knew there were money issues, but didn't realize (or didn't want to realize) the extent of it. I didn't yell or scream, I don't even think I was mean. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Maybe, but I am only human and just can't believe this all. Looking at the $$$ I know that this is more than just alcohol and pot. So now he is out, walking to a bar or somewhere. I will try to sleep and let go and let God.
I wish I had separated our financial affairs much sooner than I did...I ended up having to stay married longer so we could declare bankruptcy together (we could not afford 2 different bankruptcy lawyers).
I'm with Jerry on this one...I could have avoided alot of stress if I had let him be responsible for his own finances.
Hard to detangle the finances...but I really wish I would have done it sooner.
