The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to the board of MIP and thank you for your post.
Your not the first wife to say their husband is a high functioning Alcoholic, to tell you the truth there is no such thing. Alcoholics come from all walks of life. They are Doctors, professors, Lawyers, electricians, Teachers, homeless, an alcoholic is an alcoholic.
I wouldnt call your life or husband a normal one. My X A husband was a waiter in a Hotel for 30 years. He never missed a day of work and received employee of the month 6 times. It all depends on the progression of their disease.
You sound a lot like me, as I was highly against any programs or groups. Not until I married the Alcoholic did I know I was in deep trouble and I needed help and support. That was about one year into the marriage. Alanon is not an overnite fix , it is a way to gain your sanity back. As high functioning as we think the A is, thats how insane it can make us. I was insane and angry and anxious most of the time. I had been thru a lot before I met the alcoholic, I had lost a daughter at 6, from an X husband who kidnapped her , I lost a son at two yrs old from a congenital heart problem. I was 37 when I met the A. I had overcome many obstacles and I wasnt about to allow this disease to destroy me and it can because its a hideous disease. That is why I found Alanon . My life had become just about him, him and him. I needed to get back to ME!Me! Alcoholics take our kindness as a sign of weakness because their disease has blinded them and made their perceptions distorted.
There are many stories on this board, but one thing we have in common is our search for serenity and peace. Which you will find too, if you use the tools of Alanon.
I hope you visit us and post again, keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
In support, hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 11:49:27 PM
I gave a little of my story in my first post, but I am new to the whole "work the program" thing. I guess there are a lot of reasons I never took this step years ago. I was really afraid of his anger. I made some attempt to reach out for help, but was only offerd help for the marriage. But another reason is that my AH is so stinking functional, ppl are in awe of his wonderful achievements, including myself.
He is a great help around the house; he does most of the dishes, most of the laundry and manages to get it all done in a fraction of the time it would take me.
He has been on a diet recently. Counting calories, drinking green smoothies in the mornings, and cutting out beer for the past week to help in his weightloss (and to try to prove to me and him that it's no big deal if he doesn't have a drink). He is also reading the Bible pretty regularly, as of late, and has started back up on a running program.
From the outside, I'm sure everyone thinks our life is just a bed of roses! "A beautiful family"
Now, I am not letting myself get too excited about his non-drinking. (and it's not too hard) First off, he is still denying he has a problem. And I know without a doubt that unless God perfroms a miracle- which I would be totally excited about- he is going to be back to "normal" in just a couple of days here. (now that he has proved he can go a whole week without a drink!) Second, we had an arguement the other day where I felt like his reaction was way out of proportion- he wouldn't speak to me for 2 days. It was really painful to be treated that way. I can't think this was a coincidence that he happened to not be drinking these last few days.
So I feel like I am in an interesting situation. Things seem normal on the one hand, but on the other, I am watching him get drunk every night and living with a person who is quite volitile (emotionally) and unpredictable/ unreliable (to me). And at times I must admit, I go a while controlling my emotions and then they come flooding out in the worst way, so I can be pretty emotionally volitile at times as well.
My hope is not in my husband to get better. I am doing really well all things considered. I have a busy life outside of my time with him with people and things I enjoy doing. My God is my hope. I know I am going to be fine no matter what happens with his drinking. But it is painful to watch someone I love slipping away. And it hurts that our marriage is not great. I know that all I can do is live in the present and adress what I need to do today. Despite the help he can be when he is around (he is also a workaholic), I need to figure out a better way to take care of everything when he isn't.
I am getting overwhelmed with the prospect of school starting up and 3 kids in school to keep up with school work. I am alone most school nights and many weekends as well. Please pray for me, for peace, and for a better way of handling those daily things that can seem so overwhelming- espcially while dealing with a chronic illness (my own).
Thanks for your encouraging words, Bettina. Amazing all the things you God has brought you through. Thanks for sharing your story. It does help knowing I am not alone.
I wasn't really against groups before. I really wanted to go to one, but was afraid of making my husband angry. He didn't want anyone to find out about his problem. (which he didn't think he had, of course). He is a highly respected business man and he cares a great deal about his image. This is part of why I say functional alcoholic. I realize it is an oxymoron. But it is so hard for others to see the disease at work because of all of his accomplishments (including myself at times). I know the disease threatens to take it all away.
God has given me a few good friends to walk through this journey with, some who are also dealing with a spouse with addictions. I think that has really helped me along this path. I used to be so afraid and was trying to change him all the time. I have largely ignored it these past few years (Perhaps partly because I was so sick w/chronic illness, I could really only concentrate on getting me and the kids though the day physically best I could). I feel more at peace w/ the whole situation. I know that no matter what happens to me, it cannot happen unless God allows it to happen. If He is in control and He loves me and only wants my good, I am safe and secure in His arms. If I take my eyes off Him and look at my circumstances, I become overwhelmed. So, for me, it is a kind of exercise in "looking up", as many things in life are.
I guess I decided to start coming to CR and these boards at an interesting time. There is really no specific crisis, as there was years ago when our marriage was nearly falling apart and I was utterly depressed. Although, with this disease I know that can change at any time. I see that I need others who have been through this to help me along and I am not afraid of his anger as much as I used to be, so hopefully my kids and I can learn some healthier ways of relating to one another. And hopefully I can glean some tools for interacting with my hubby along the way (and see new areas I may be enabling). And I think it is part of getting the secret out and admitting there is a problem here. He is not a bad guy. The disease is just one part of him, it does not define who he is. Yes, he is an alcoholic and it affects every area of his life, but the still isn't the core of WHO he is. I know my disease didn't really get to the heart of who I was. I have had brain symptoms- similar to a drunk, along with debilitating symptoms that would keep me in bed most of the day. And even though my husband wasn't very emotionally supportive, he worked extra hard at home and continued to hold down his job to support our family of six. We committed to each other in sickness and health. And I have seen him keep up his end of the bargain. He is really a good guy. This disease is trying to take that way, but I am going to hold on to the good.
We used to fight relentlessly and yell and scream and never forgive one another. I was so lonely and angry. God has helped me to forgive him (time and again). And as long as I run to Christ, I can forgive him. Not because my husband deserves it or has earned it, but because God did not spare His only son, but He died on the cross to forgive me of my sins. And my sins against God are greater than my husbands sins against me. I find such peace in that, and I see redemption as possible at any time. I see God working on my husband's heart and that is also encouraging. We are both forgiving each other more these days, by God's grace.
I read your post and thought- "I could have written this exact same post 10 years ago"- down to the reading his Bible and the running program. (Albeit, not the chronic illness). Ten years later- many ups and downs- the two days of not speaking to me have over the years turned into two weeks. The anger flare ups, got worse and worse, more and more irrational..... My AH is also highly functional- to this day- other than the people who I have told, no one would know that he is an alcoholic. Suddenly, and I mean suddenly- he went from "drinking too much"- (but no one would know, including his children, that he'd been drinking too much), to 15-20 ounces of vodka every night, stumbling, crude, pass out, black out yuck yuck yuck.....then up in the morning and he's off and running to his highly functioning business. My children now are young adults, and they have lost love, respect, hope for him. I never thought I'd see the day where my children (and honestly, some days myself) would view his death as 'better'. Others look at our family and think how great it must be, successful according to the world's standards, and our children look (and are!) great, They each follow hard after the Lord. My husband and I occasionally as recently as 2 months ago have worked at ministry events together. I have had women speak to us and say "I hope someday my husband is where yours is, following the Lord....." They see the outside, they make assumptions because he is there and serving. It is a whitewashed tomb.
The thing I wish I'd known when I was at your stage, is that alcoholism is unrelentingly progressive. Being successful, being a Christ follower does not exempt the progression of this disease, just like it doesn't put cancer victims into remission. In my husband's case it took a long time, lots of seasons, some as long as two years, of quitting drinking. It was some 20 years of up and down and back and forth and better than worse until his drinking shockingly, suddenly went way off the deep end. It, shockingly to me, turned out our story was not 'different'. He is an alcoholic and alcoholism is predictable to a certain extent. No matter how strong the A is, no matter how hard they work to control it and to continue to function well- it will beat them every single time unless they get into some kind of recovery. Sadly, this is not something you can choose for him, not something you can necessarily pray him into. I also did some Celebrate Recovery program, and co-dependancy work. Good things. But I wish I had gotten into straight Al Anon earlier, and learned more directly about the specific disease of alcoholism, it's impact on the family, it's impact on me. I have a very, very strong support system through my church- some of the wisest, most mature people I've ever known. But alcoholism is an animal of it's own, and we collectively almost threw up our hands- it is so beyond reason, so different from other issues people in the church struggle with. Nowhere did I find the answers and direction and information that I've needed like in f2f Al Anon meetings. That would be my experience, strength and hope here. Keep doing what you're doing, but think about finding your local Al Anon meetings- visiting them at least 6x and seeing what they have to offer. Get some Al Anon literature in addition to Celebrate Recovery and CODA materials. Glad you're here, keep coming back : )
My hope isn't in my husband to get better- although that's, of course what I would really love. It's in God to take care of me no matter what may come my way. I know He is a Healer, because He has healed me to the point that I can function and I am not in pain 24/7. I give Him all the glory for that! (He used some Dr.'s along the way and I am thankful for them, too) So if God wants to heal my husband, He can. If he chooses not to, that is a reality I have to face, as well. I am in that reality of his illness now, because he doesn't see it. Still thinks he's in control of the beast.
One question I have. After a short period of sobriety, when the alcoholic starts drinking again, is there anything I should be aware of? I can plainly see his grumpiness when he is not drinking.
I wanted to add that Alanon is not about him. If you werent feeling affected by the disease you wouldnt have posted that you feel overwhelmed. You seem affected by the disease by the content of your post.
Regarding your question about what you should be aware of, yes there is . Alcoholism is a progressive disease if not arrested .
My questions to you. Is your husband seeking God to heal him.? Does your husband want to be healed.? Why doesnt God heal all the alcoholics?
Yes Alanon is a family and community of men and women affected by the disease of Alcoholism . We rely on eachother for the experiences and wisdom that comes with living with this disease, but Alanon is much more then that. Its a spiritual program with the tools and philosophy to help you cope and regain your sanity that only an alcoholic can chip away at.
Its sounds like your part of keeping the secret for your husband and your afraid to rock the boat. Then Alanon will be there for you. Till then keep coming back and keep posting.
I, like you, trusted God implicitly and acknowledged that my husband might never get "well". I had confidence that I could, with His help- accept, forgive, love my husband- know peace and joy and security in spite of the 'issues'- and that I could get everything I needed from my true Source. I never ever dreamed it could get this bad, that I could get this sick and tired. Because I was essentially "working a spiritual program" all those years, I did do well- I was strong, I was able to cope with a lot, I guided my children through a lot. Prayer in our lives made a huge difference, among other things. But because I did not understand alcoholism, I also got 'sick'. First in little, subtle ways- then as the disease progressed, that 'sickness' got bigger and more encompassing of who I was. I found, as the years went by and it progressed- that deep down I had really believed that God would 'come through' and that he would get better. I waited for him to 'see the light', and I did a darn good job of detaching with love- much easier to do when you think ultimately, he's going to get 'better'. I simply did not understand the predictable patterns of the impact of this disease on a family- on me as a wife, on my children. I and my children took a beating emotionally, spritiually- that I could have lessened the impact of, if I had gotten to Al Anon sooner than I did.
I'd look for this:
Being motivated by fear in any way- fear that he will drink, fear that he will drink and drive, fear that he will get mad, fear about your future, fear for his relationships with your children. This fear in my experience had a way of creeping in, nearly un-noticed and multiplying.
Signs that you or your children are unconsciously (or consciously) adjusting yourselves- your words or behaviors to 'please' him, to avoid reactions from him. For example- in our family we would be laughing and having a good time, then would all begin to automatically 'tone down' to avoid irritating him.
Signs that you are 'translating' for your children his behavior or attitudes. (What daddy meant to say..... The reason he's not here..... He's so tired from work......)
Signs that he is withdrawing or isolating- not only from you and/or the kids. My husband participated in small groups while he was also actively getting farther into his secret drinking. He participated, but did not get real or open up or have any close friendships where he could or would talk about his struggles. You may not be able to do anything about this, but if he's an alcoholic/work-aholic my bet is you will see it more and more.
Again, you can't control or 'cure' him, but the sooner you get the experience working the Al Anon program, the less damaging impact on your children, the sooner you can make better choices for you and for your children, your responses, and how you teach your children.
I know I'm speaking out of a place where I find your story so similar to mine that I'm likely over-identifying! And this is a raw season for me- on the verge of doing an intervention and drawing a line in the sand. So surely take what I say with a grain of salt! As with everything, ask God about it, how or if it applies to you. : )
The ex A who I was with for 7 years really was a great promoter for it was all my fault. Whatever happened, whatever he did, somehow I had something to do with it or someone else did!
I can well understand the reluctance to go to a program. I tried for years to fix it myself. I cam to this program early in the relationship and the skills I needed were always there. I kept hoping and praying he would change. Then I hit a kind of bottom and became willing to do it myself. I went to counselling and that helped a great deal. I also got tremendously depressed to the point of almost non functioning.
I always felt that I had to do everything alone in that relationship. I dreaded being alone. I thought it was a symbol of failure. I have been alone now for 5 years and come to like it. I didn't think that was possible.
I am glad you are here. I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober. I think its a great resource for all the puzzling aspects of alcoholism.
Bettina, thank you for your words. I know there are ways I am not seeing this problem and hiding it/ denying it's impact. I appreciate your willingness to help me see some of those areas. I need that. :) I just really started seeing him as an alcoholic for sure this past year. Before that, it was just someone with a drinking problem. (not sure there was a difference) It does affect me and the kids. I want better than that for all of us. I want to learn to set healthy boundaries. Typically I have been a pushover with him and others- a people pleaser(and I know that's not a good thing). I have been doing more for myself- exercising, horseback riding lessons, volunteer work I enjoy. Still, I battle the daily grind of a "sometimes supportive" husband. Sometimes he will be happy I am doing something and the next minute resents me for it or tries to talk me out of it. This is just one area I know I need to continue to work on setting boundaries.
As to why God chooses to heal sometimes and not others, I don't think we can ever know for sure why. I lost two family members to OD's. One was a believer in Jesus. And I mean her Bible was highlighted and falling apart and she seemed to really know Jesus. (only God knows the heart). I had another friend commit suicide that was a believer in Christ. All were sick in one way or another. I know when someone decides to follow Christ, He doesn't promise that things will get better here on earth, only that He will be with us no matter what happens. Jesus said in John 16:33, I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. So even though these bad things happen, He is victorious in the end. (even if our life on earth ends.) Anyway, this is my belief as a Christ follower. It doesn't mean that all of this doesn't hurt, it does. And I know God is there to comfort me in my troubles and He cares.
And Prisca, I will be praying for you for the intervention. For God's protection on your heart and the heart of your family members. I will pray for a miracle and pray that He will give you peace no matter the outcome. He is in control. Nothing can happen good or bad that is outside of His control. (though we know He doesn't desire sin, He allows it) He can restore your heart and I will pray first and foremost for that. No matter what happens. May He comfort you with His love.
And, yes, I can relate to those ways you mentioned. I see it springing up. It seems kinda contradictory that in order to learn how to heal me and my sickness I have to learn more about his disease (which seems to bring the fear to the surface)
Maresie, thanks for sharing with me as well. I watched the video (60 minute) Getting them sober, the other night. It seemed insightful. I will check the book out as well.
I think there is a local chapter of AlAnon really close to my house. I will see when they meet. Thanks, again, ladies for caring enough to post, all.
This is an amazing dialogue. All responders at different places aloing the same path. So so so much of what is above I echo. I too have learned to hold tight to my faith and to alanon slogans. I dont expect miracles...at this point my hope and prayer is that mt ah will want to be healed...i believe he can be BUT...he needs to want to be sothat he can then meet back up with his higher power...which he turned his back on long ago. There are days im so sad, angry and disgusted it is down right AWFUL...there are days ijust want to run...toscream ...to tell the world its SO HARD....but then there are days when I normalize, make peace, find peace and focus on MY job...being a light for Christ, being the best mom I can at any given moment, taking care of me....gotta do better w that as I have bad sleep habits and have gained 15+lbs....and yes, I try to be a good loyal and faithful wife....whichi do moreout if respect for myself, my daughter and my vows. Amazing words fellow followers....we arent alone
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
