The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi all, first time here but it's been another of those nights so I thought I'd give this a shot!
Am currently trying to help my parents move onward and upward away from their destructive codependent relationship (which I have used many times as an excuse for my own failings). Their divorce has gone through and they have finally come around to the idea of moving out of our family home and into separate apartments, so that maybe one of them will have a shot at recovery. A very positive step.
However, I have been hysterical all night (more so than I have been in a long time) and I think it may have something to do with the moving situation and how final it is quickly becoming. It's all my doing, as I'm a 'super responsible control freak' (my sister's words) who won't let anyone near, and I think it may just have caught up with me. I've always had an unhealthy attachment to places and I feel like maybe, because the family home (though it hasn't been a 'home' for the last 8 years) was the last place we were happy, its only going to get harder with the impending move.
It just feels like a huge emotional step backwards for me, as I've been starting to get to grips with the guilt, anxiety and commitment-phobia which have dominated my life for so long and have been redirecting my energy from destructive habits toward more healthy ones. I think I'm just confused, as these are totally new feelings that are doing a great job of stirring up the old ones!
Hi xbeckeex, Welcome to MIP! I think I understand your attachment to your family home. As you said, it was the last place you were all happy. Have you been living there with your parents until now? If so, where will you be living when your parents move? Any big change can cause anxiety, and this is certainly a big change. I (and many others here) can relate to the ¨super responsible control freak¨ label. Alanon has been very helpful to me in getting over that. Life is so much easier when I no longer feel responsible for everyone and everything around me. It sounds like your parents are moving forward with their individual lives, that's great. I hope you will also be able to move on with your life. It's the morning after you posted, I hope you were able to get some sleep and that you are feeling a little calmer today.
I think being around people who are dysfunctional is very very hard. I heard this week that a neighbor who has a drug addict son is ill. Of course the first thing I want to do is make it better. But perhaps she has to get very very ill before she will stop enabling him.
Our first instinct is to rush in and help. Often times we end up exhausted. Right now my time is taken up with many of my own issues. I have little to spare. Getting boundaries is part of recovery. I know I would label myself all kinds of things. Let me tell you the urge to do stuff, feelings all still come up I just don't act on them. I would love to run around "fixing" everyone but I know that simply gets me exhausted, resentful and upset. So while I certainly have the feelings I don't act on them.
Yes, well, I moved out for two years when I was 19 but moved back home to try and help them (naive, yes!) and my younger sister who thankfully is now happy and settled at university
I will be moving in with my Grandmother as I'll be starting a new job and want to make sure my sister has somewhere to come 'home' to.
I'm trying to get them separate apartments close by, to hopefully give at least one of them a chance at clawing back some sort of happiness, but have been extremely reluctant to put any wheels in motion until now as my uncle and grandfather (on my father's side) followed the same pattern and drank more and more, dying within years.
I think that's a big reason I've been so anxious for so long - seeing the similarities between my dad and his brother is so scary, but we are so powerless!
I can't wait to no longer feel so responsible, Pineapple! Which is strange as I've spent so long clinging onto that label.. It's so refreshing to hear that others share the same feelings/experiences!
And thank you, yes I did get some sleep and felt better in the morning.. Something about the night time that just suffocates, you know?
It's tough, but I'm increasingly worried about how 'normal' its become being surrounded by dysfunction and I'm terrified of following in their footsteps!!I totally agree with your comment about boundaries, Orchidlover and I'm so annoyed at how difficult I'm finding it! I seem to just soak up other people's misery like a sponge, and yes it is exhausting!! I'm trying though.. hopefully the geographical separation will help with this.. Fingers crossed!
Thank you so much for replying to my post, and making me feel so welcome!
One thing said to me once that made me really see what I was doing by controlling others was this: "allow them the dignity of learning they can do for themselves".
Helping sometimes sends the message of: "I don't trust you to make good decisions for yourself, so I'm going to do it".
It helped me to stop being responsible for everyone else. I did that for a long time, with many people except me. Now I'm responsible for me and doing a better job at it now that I've less people to hover over
Welcome and I do understand the feelings and sadness over the house. I hope in time it gets a little easier.
