The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my second post in this forum. My ex-boyfriend of 2 and a half years is an alcoholic. We lived together for about year and broke up last October. It has been a tumultuos turning of events and I sought the help of Al anon and will be in the program for 5 months in March. I got a sponsor and I am working on Step 2. My father is also a recovering alcoholic and I am also an adult child of alcoholism.
My ex and I are communicating again for about a month now after a month long boundary of not speaking at all, which he wanted until he got sober. I agreed and sought help. Since then I have created a boundary for speaking once a week on Sundays, to now adding one more day on Wednesdays. It has been working great. He calls on time, and on the day. He is sober, however,currently he has stopped going to AA after being on and off in the program for two years. because he cannot seem to identify with the spirtitual identity of the program. He's finally seeing a therapist and is in the smart recovery program.
We had an intense and long conversation about everything and in my point of view, his fears and guilt are the main concerns that are blocking him from even thinking about being in a relationship with me. he asked me a question and said We always say take it one day at a time. But lately I am having trouble doing that. I also seem to want more. Not to jump into the relationship again so fast, but I just want him to be present. I find myself at times lingering on at the end of the phone call with him responding to " are you ok" as I quietly say " yes, im fine". I keep reminding myself that I am where I'm suppose to be and that things will unfold as they should, but its hard sometimes to not have control anymore and to use all these tools that I am still learning. I am literally taking it one day at a time but I have fear of the outcome. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to write.
I came to AlAnon when I learned that I was co-dependant. I also have an intense physical attraction for my boyfriend. I am praying that I can get healthy enough to let go of my need to control and still keep him in my life. I have to stop needing him.
My program is giving me to tools to stop my co-dependancy and overall controlling ways. I think that we still have enough feelings for each other to have a shot at a healthy relationship where we mind our own business, take care of what we are both capable of doing on our own, and give each other a healthy respect and affection.
That would be my miracle. But I will make that choice when I am ready. He does not have to do anything to make me better. That is my job.
-- Edited by whitedove on Monday 27th of February 2012 09:34:13 AM
(((Serenity)))...I related cause I was in that spot several times (its always several times when the relationship is addiction huh?) and then I learned to tell her the truth when we talked on the phone. I learned how to say I miss you without saying I want or I need you. Someone outside of the program told me a story about a friend of hers who was separated from her husband and the husband wanting to come back home. They talked over the phone and she told him, "I love you and like having you here but I don't need you". I had to find a quiet place and solitary time to think that over because it shook up my own beliefs and behaviors and after a period of time and inventory I found that it initially upset me because of the "not needing" part of the statement. Actually I didn't need my alcoholic/addict wife to get along in my life and be responsible for and to me and that though is how I lived before hearing the new thought. Today I live it. I'm married and have been longer than the two marriages before this and still I don't "need" my wife. I love her and while she and I do life together we are not dependent upon each others affirmations. She can stand in her own light and just be as radiant as she wants or is and I do the same. We don't own each others successes or losses and do try not to let our egos and pride cause trouble for the other. She is more successful at this than I so I work harder at it.
Keep filling up your own basket and let him fill his own too.
It may be that an alcoholic, even one who is more or less (mostly more, but I worry about the difficulty connecting with AA) -- even one who is more or less in recovery, does not have enough to give for even a small kind of relationship. We have needs, even though they're inconvenient and a lot of the time I wish we didn't. It may be that he is not the one who can fulfill those needs. You may be wiser to turn to friends, to your program, to your sponsor, to new friends, even to a new man you may meet along the way. It sounds as if right now you want more than he is able to give. There's nothing wrong with your wanting more -- there's not much he has to give right now. There's nothing wrong with him concentrating on his program right now. But you need to find a way to get your needs met.
Thank you Jerry F...that was a great way of thinking about the situation. I definitly will continue to fill my basket (loved that quote btw)and work on myself and learn how to be okay with not needing anyone. I do realize that my ex and I had major co-dependancy issues along with the addiction and if anything as my sponsor always says we are doing the best that we can, and thats all i can ask for!!
Keep your expectations low and accept whats offered , make it enough , this was told to me along time ago by an oldtimmer , things improve all the time with both of you working your own program , if you both want the same things you have a chance . Acceptance truly is the answer .. Dont miss the good days by worrying about what may never happen . Louise
I wanted to thank serenity for this share because all of the ESH I really needed to hear today .. thanks again :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The 2 books that helped me were "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie especially when I realized I was addicted to my exAH. I relate a lot to your share and am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Serenity - It's going to be very touch and go with him for a good while. Recovery takes time and it's okay if you do not want to be with a guy who has so much baggage. You do have a choice in that. On the other hand, if you want to stick with this, just know that it won't be easy and his recovery (and yours) make the relationship more complicated. I guess when you are feeling sad or lonely, it could help to reflect on that you really wouldn't want him to commit fully to you while he's still totally busted and in early recovery. You want him to make that decision when on firmer ground right? Meanwhile, be as busy as possible so your life doesn't hinge on those phone calls, him, and whether or not the relationship works out or not. It sounds counterintuitive to not be so committed to him after having a long history, but you do both need to focus on yourselves now and this may allow you to come back together as 2 people who are more whole on their own - or go your separate ways better equipped for whatever the future holds.
