I have been married to my AH for nearly 10 years.

He has been in and out of recovery too many times for me to count.

I knew he was an addict from the beginning.

I had a profound love for him from the moment we met.

When we were first going out, I caught him in my bathroom smoking crack.

I could have dumped him then, but I didnt.

I could have dumped him when he brought home crabs.

I could have dumped him before we got married.

I could have dumped him before we decided to have a child together.

I could have dumped him when he went MIA when I was admitted to the hospital with complications of my pregnancy for several weeks until the birth of our child.

I could have dumped him when he got his 4^th DWI which resulting in his second jail term (in our life together) for this.

I could have dumped him when he went MIA a couple of months ago.

I recently learned to set boundaries for myself and to truly focus on myself, and of course, our child(he is 9).

I finally told him he was not welcome back into our home until he committed to and showed proof of sobriety.

I allowed him back home after he produced his one day chip from AA and dug up his Big Book and other recovery books from storage.

He is currently 3 weeks sober, in an outpatient treatment program, and working the steps in AA with a sponsor.

My major struggle that Ive been dealing with is intimacy.

Its been years, and building, since I lost my sex drive.

I previously had equated this to my age, hormone imbalances, etc.

I went to doctors who told me this was normal.

Now that Im truly in recovery, I understand now from reading and comparing notes.

I had become powerless.

I had become a watered down version of myself.

All the prayer, meditation, exercise, eating right, etc. couldnt bring me back.

I have been bombarded with sexual disrespect for years with my AH.

I have always been very explicit in communicating with my boundaries

in regards to my body and sexuality with my husband in kind, loving

and also at times with angry and disruptive communication.

My AHs compulsive behavior always persisted whether drunk or sober with a complete disrespect for my boundaries.

I also tried the codependent route of the good wife to appease him sexually to satisfy his manly needs even when I was not in the mood.

Needless to say, it didnt help. Lol

The result: I am numb and have problems now even getting aroused if I try.

We are both focusing on our recovery, but my AH is not minding his own business and instead is still focusing on us.

I told him that this would have to come in time and I would not be able to offer anything to our relationship until I get to that point in recovery.

I am working on serious trust issues and resentment.

I am working on reestablishing intimacy without fear.

Building the strength and courage to change all these things within and heal the damage done.

Letting goand letting God.

My AH and I just got into an argument tonight about the 4th step sexual inventory. The lead up to this was... after we had a nice day of watching a moving together snuggling and holding hands, which was really nice at first. About 30 minutes into watching the movie he asked if we could get naked together later on tonight. It completely blew the moment as always, that I finally begin to feel safe and secure and think that things are moving forward. I told him no and that we've had this discussion already about healing and recovery first. The discussion would have escalated except he whispered this in my ear at his father's hotel room with him and my son present. Very manipulative. The argument continued at home, hours later when he tried to apologize, with a disclaimer. He said there is nothing in the Big Book about sexual abstinence. I asked him to speak to his sponsor about this. He said he had. I got caught up in a having a "who's right or wrong" session with him for a few minutes before I began reading the Big Book and became silent. When I went to my computer for my online Al-Anon meeting he brought me the section on sexual inventory and had me read it- him saying "see! it's right there!". I said yes, there it is. I told him that he was not really reading it about himself but reading it about me. I just stopped. Once again, I told him that recovery is about self and not looking to others for that fulfillment. I realize that he hasn't worked that step and neither have I. I reiterated lastly, reminding him that we agreed to the concept that we were basically separated during our recovery so that we could better love each other after we could truly love ourselves first. Powerless does not make for a powerful relationship. I've read lots of what sponsors and step workers have said on the subject, but I think the bottom line is an agreement out of respect and admitting that we hurt others, which we do not have at this point. I say that sex should not be an issue on the table at all for couples until the 4th step has been completed in recovery. Any thoughts on this topic?

Trust takes time so be gentle with yourself and you have a right to say NO .  Look at your motives , if your truly not ready to resume sexual intimacy with him , or is it a form of pay back ?  I found for me that eventually I jumped into my marriage with both feet , all or nothing . Some times we just have to trust that all with be well , your both in recovery you have a chance to repair the damage done to your relationship . ask him to be patient find a trusted f2f member to share your fears with talk it out , our book the Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage has alot on intimacy , also Living with Sobriety and if you can find a copy of our booklet Sexual intimacy . You will find alot of sharrings from people who have been where your at . You have a right to feel the way you do .