The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned so much through my Alanon weekly meetings, my sponsor, Alanon literature, and my counselor; and I am so thankful for the tools I have gained these past couple of years.
Just to catch you up again, I moved out of our home a little over 6 months ago so that I could both mentally AND physically detach from my AH of 29 years. His drinking become worse and worse over last 3 years and his health is diminishing as well (he was diagnosed with diabetes but is non-compliant in regards to treating it).
I would like to share what happened when I spoke to him over the phone last night. I called him after not responding right away to a text he sent be earlier in the week that said, "I miss you, but it seems that it is over between us." He knew that this kind of message would get my full attention, but I decided to wait awhile before I responded so that I could "say what I mean and mean what I say."
Our first 10 minutes of conversation were pleasant enough. We talked about his job hunting experiences and my job. But.... after that the train took off to what I call, "Crazytown."
He told that I had abandoned him, that I was going through a midlife crisis and had "empty nest syndrome." He also informed me that if I didn't either start "dating" him or didn't move back to our home, then he wanted to end things because he was "tired of living alone and needed to move on and find someone to share his life with."
When I asked him if he had plans to not go back to owning a bar and if he was not still drinking, then I would be open to working things out. He then told me that he would not stand for "ultimatiums" and that he is the same person that he has always been, but that I am the one who has changed.
This "insanity dance" continued to escalate and went on for another 20 minutes before he hung up on me. I was so glad to be kicked out of Crazytown.
After becoming very emotional and upset, here's how I handled it: I decided to call my sponsor to confirm what I knew was true: I did indeed visit Crazytown and Crazytown hasn't changed much since I last visited. After talking things over with her, I then read some passages from Courage to Change and ended the evening by having a one on one talk with my HP.
A few years ago, I would have never had the courage to leave Crazytown in the first place and I might have even considered moving back! Today, I feel stronger and more confident in the decisions I have made in my life. Am I lonely at times? Yes. Do I love and miss my AH? Yes. Am I working on my own recovery, taking care of myself, and leaving my AH in my HP's care? You bet!
It works if you work it! TGIF (Thank God I'm Free!) from Crazytown!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 21st of October 2011 04:27:22 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 21st of October 2011 04:57:47 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 21st of October 2011 05:14:56 PM
Work your program and boy did you ever!! You have CrazyTown I have the CrazyTrain and it gets me to LooneyVille and I do not like to visit at all. I applaud you for seeing where you at and re-evaluating where you wanted to be!!
Keep up the good work and keep coming back you are a true testament to it works if you work it!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((Green Eyes))) It seems he did say something that was true - YOU have changed. And for the better. Good for you for not getting sucked back into Crazytown, and for TCOYF. Thanks for sharing and for the inspiration.
(((Green Eyes))) Thank you for your inspiring post. I read it and realized I had boarded the train that wisked me off to Crazytown this week and I almost had one foot on Crazytown terrain.... thank you so much for the validation that I'm not alone, how quickly the switch is flipped, and that I am not alone in my struggle to make a hastier and hastier exit.
Funny, he said he wouldn't stand for ultimatums then gave you one.....
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
When the student is ready the teacher arrives...Great post and glad I was in class. You're working it very well and thanks for passing it on. I hope many more read this share. ((((hugs))))
green eyes- i know all about crazy town too- have been sent there since i was born- its all me- if i only did this better and that better. if i got better grades and a better job- if i wuld clean my room. its a total deflection to you as it avoids looking at themselves as this is too painful. plus they dont want to admit and accept things. its wrong. now a days i dont get taken to crazy town very often- and if i do i get out- put the phone down or i just walk away from the situation. it must have taken a lot of strength to end a 29 year relationship like this- but even after you ended it he is STILL not looking at himself...and you should avoid being taken to crazy town as much as yu can- because this just prevents him looking at himself and this is what he needs to do.
anyhow- no matter- it doesnt really matter now as yu have got your own lfe- if someone wants to get better thats up to them- and for now your own and are responsible for your own self only- good for you!
I recently had a visit there myself and I just can't go back. I was so glad to read your post this morning and really needed it! I hear your strength and isn't working a program oh so worth it! Keep up the great work! Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I like the crazy town analogy. To back you up on the assessment, I realized in your writing that he gave YOU and ulimatum (start seeing me again or else!) and then immediately responded to your boundary by stating he won't stand for ultimatums. The conversation in crazy town is as follows:
Him: "You need to do this and this and this or else!!!" You: "I hear you but I also think it would be reasonable if you tried this" Him: "Don't tell me what to do, I am perfect and you suck! No ultimatums!"
heres an example of crazy town too, when i lived with my alcoholic mum- she was sober but often dry drunk- she would start on me- psycho analysing me and she got into this groove of telling me i was mentally ill and i should see the doctor. well i got so fed up with being told this so many times that i did- i took myself off to the doctor in a state of confusion. i told him what was happening and his words were "I know your mother- you have my sympathy. theres nothing wrong with you- you are fine" and yes i did tell my mum this i shouted it right back at her- but she needed it- as she obviously had manifested some crazy town illusion that suitd her. i said "yeah- the doctor gave me hi sympathy mum- his sympathy with living with YOU... thats YOU not me"
that shut her up. and i got out soon after. and i tell you- i am never going near crazy town again!!
no i dont think so- i think it was just mental abuse- why someone does that when she dos genuinely love me i dont know. afterwards when i told her i had told the doctor- she said "well i cant go and see him now" because she knew the doctor would ask her why she was telling her normal daughter that she was mentally ill. so i said. if you knew it was wrong to say it- why did you do it? sometimes i still cant figure it out- i think they hate themselves and just get into hate mode and forget that it does damage.
but in pondering yur question- you are right in the fact that they are both a sickness.
ive also thought- it seems that the more stress they have in their lives the more nasty and hateful they get? my mum is like that anyways...but now im not living with her and she only has herself to look after things are easier and she copes pretty well. it must have been the fact i was at home- which was too much for her. some people arent naturally good parents are they and arent up to the job really.
Outstanding! You know no matter how well I think I work the program, I go bottoms up and it is refreshing. Just a delightful reminder when I visit crazy town that this just is not the place I want to spend much time in.
Thanks for all of your support and kind responses. It is an interesting way of describing this chaos in our lives by calling our interactions with the A's in our life "Crazytown," huh? Not surprisingly, my AH hasn't contacted me since my last visit to Crazytown, and I don't plan on boarding the train to Crazytown anytime soon! And yes, I did find it amusing that he called me out for giving him "ultimatums," when in fact, that's just what he was demanding of me!
