The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Greetings folks - I'm on day 3 of my "detachment with love" experiment and I must admit I'm wavering a bit. My AH (who began his binge on Saturday after 42 days of sobriety) woke up this morning very ill. He managed to get up to walk the dog, told me he made it to a 12:30 AA meeting but then I didn't hear from him for a few hours. When I spoke to him around 3, it was rather apparent that he had been drinking (although considering the level of intoxication he reached last night, he very well could have been detoxing; but I don't think so) and since then, haven't heard from him again. I'm not sure if I'm better not hearing from him all day (like yesterday) or hearing from him sporadically. I think the former. But in any event, I'm feeling like running home to wrap my arms around him, tell him how much I love him and taking care of him. I know he's hurting, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I know there's not much I can do for him. I KNOW this. But the urges are rising up, trying to get me to give in. I have dinner plans with one of my dear cousins this evening that I do not want to miss. I'm sitting here at my desk talking myself into keeping it up, keep doing what I've been doing, care for myself, stay positive, live my life, keep out of my husband's disease and recovery to the best degree I can. The longer I sit here typing and thinking about it, the more it feels the the second half of an eclipse is happening, the part where the moon starts to move away from being in front of the sun, where the sunlight starts to creep back into view. I miss him, it's true. I miss his goofy sense of humor, his unconditional love and support of me. I miss his face when he's not drunk, the huge, crooked nose and the lopsided grin. I feel like I haven't seen his face without being contorted with drink in a long time, when in reality it's only been 5 days. But instead of allowing my brain to start in on its default mantra of "what if he stays this way forever? where did my husband go? I want him back," I'm reminding myself that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it" and "Let go and let god" and "easy does it" and "first things first."
So now I'm going to wipe the couple of tears that I allowed to drop off of my face, finish up some work and go have a lovely dinner with my cousin!
Thanks again to all for the continuing love, support, kindness and generosity.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
((((MLK)))) Much support to you in your detachment with love. Do you have alanon friends or a sponsor you can call? Or text? I have to do that to stay in the moment and not get all caught up in my head. You are doing so great, and I love that you are going to dinner. We can't do anything to stop them, so we may as well enjoy our lives... its so simple for our complex minds :) Just wanted you to know, you are not alone! You keep taking care of you :) Live in the now :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks so much for responding so quickly! I have 2 al anon friends who I can call and/or text and have been doing so but it feels a little empty - this is the same old stuff, all over again. Frankly, I'm sick of complaining about it already! For the first time in a VERY LONG TIME, I am interested in feeling good, doing fun things and enjoying myself, with or without him being a part of it. I just got a bit sad thinking about all that he's missing out on and missing him. But before I go down that road again, I'm going to keep trying to buck up, keep my chin up and remember that he is not the only living creature on this planet that needs support, love, kindness and respect. I do too, as do my friends and family who I have sort of neglected over the past year with all that's happened. I'm trying to reconnect to folks and so stuff that is healthy and enjoyable. So that's where I am. Thanks again!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Sorry you are going through this. It's sad. Yeah, he is hurting in all the ways you mentioned, but he's hurting himself. You are right that he deserves love and support but you gotta put up boundaries to protect yourself from going through hell too.
Your share is so funny and real. The reality is that we love them unconditionally. Yet, we must set boundaries to protect ourselves. We matter and very much so. The disease can consume us to death and the Alcoholics just keep on doing what they do best:drink. I understand all those feelings and they are valid. Oh, yes, I know. This is a fight between us and this cunning disease. Easy does it! One day at a time. In support.
Thanks to all for your kindness and generous thoughts. I had a lovely evening with my cousin! We are so much tasty food and had such satisfying conversation. My AH called a few times and I wasn't even tempted to pick up the phone. I'm loving this life I'm making for myself!!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
So glad you had a nice evening, taking care of you is a good thing. :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When we step aside to get our lives back often they like what they see and choose to follow us into recovery if not its a win win situation for us , we get our lives back .. with or with out them We are okay .. Louise
what????are yu kidding me? dnt you waver girl.......if you want to be kind to him you must carry on detaching......going up to him and hugging him and telling him you le him etc does him no favours at all. he must realise the seriousness of his actions- to his health...its hard when you are sick to see the reality- this is where you can help him by not falling into the sick patterns too. think of it as actually helping him....if yoou want to show love then carry on detaching. xxx
You guys are awesome! Thanks so much. I got home an he was asleep. This morning we got up together and I was soooooo happy to have a half an hour with his sober self! I was stressing because I'm not letting him have the keys to the truck which had to be moved this morning for street cleaning but I turned the radio on and the first thing I ears was that alternate side parking rules are suspended! Thank you once again, higher power, for helping me out! And Rosie - you're totally right. He was so disappointed this morning to have missed going out to dinner with my cousin and me last night. I'm not trying to encourage him to feel badly, but the more he misses of life, of what is my life and could be part of his life, perhaps the more he'll want to return to it! Oh, and higher power was looking out for me again yesterday - the owner of the liquor store that was allowing my husband to buy alcohol on credit cut him off, permanently, yesterday. He told my husband o please not come back into the store, he doesn't like to see him like this. Done in such a kind, considerate way. My husband said he apologized and left. No nonsense. I feel so blessed.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Isnt' it amazing what the HP can accomplish without our help... all on her own no less.. what a clever HP (for me the HP is female and male, but I chose to use the descriptor of 'female'). I really should learn to let her get on with it more often
