The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am, 46 and still going thru all of this. I have been in counseling for 20 years, done ACA, and it seems like I am making WORSE choices than before. The last two were by far the worst. A physically abusive meth user, and then just a complete control freak whom I suspect has a sex addiction. He cheated on me and has gone totally overboard and blamed everything on me. Now I am single, but scared to death. I am educated, so I know what work I will be doing, but I have two small kids who depend on me. I have been doing the at-home mom thing since my son was born 6 years ago. I am so worried about how I am going to juggle being an attorney AND a good mom. Is it possible?? I am also scared to death I will only find someone else who will manipulate me. This last guy I invested my whole life into, was willing to give up anything. Not out of desperation, but it was what he convinced me needed to happen for us to have a good relationship. He brought me to the middle of Georgia in a very small town (300) where his mom can see my every move. He is a trucker and I think he had been cheating on me, but I just recently caught him in lies trying to cover up an affair. He convinced me to give up friends, my career, everything. I feel so stupid. What is wrong with me? My wanting to be fair, to convince someone that I really do love them, and that I am willing to sacrifice all for those I love is such a weak spot. How do I stop that and still have a great, close relationship? I am not trying to dog on men, but I am afraid that anyone who is a great guy around my age is taken. I am so afraid that I will not find anyone better than this last guy who I would be interested in and who would be interested in me. I feel like the pool is even smaller because I have two young children, where most people my age have grown kids. I am struggling so much with anger right now. Anger at myself, anger at him. Where do I start? I am in counseling, but I am struggling daily.
I can relate to much of your post. Where do you start? You could look up Alanon meetings in your phone book and get to one! With the manipulating I think just recently I started being able to stop this. For me it took about 8 months Alanon. But every time he lied or manipulated I fell for it, and as the days went on I started only falling for half of it. Now I can see it when it's happening most of the time, but of course I am not perfect and it still happens.
Don't feel stupid. What is wrong with you? Well my bf was an alcohlic yours seems to be an addict here we call them A's for short. A's have a disease they are powerless over. And when we are around them so long we develop a sickness as well. When we join Alanon we learn simple slogans to apply to our daily life to help us. We come here for us. So that we can have serenity.
As far as the cheating/sex addict I think my A did the same. He only admitted to cheating one time, but I believe it was many more. I really don't care anymore though. He also tried to blame it on me all the time gave me different reasons each time. But I think he did this because from his disease he was hurting inside and if he thought all the blame was on him he would hurt more; so he put the blame on me to make him feel a little better.
Keep coming back so many others will be able to relate also and it will help you not feel alone!
Melissa
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Yes, get to some meetings! There is a whole family of people waiting to help support you.
It is totally possible to be a good career person and a good mother. And to find someone even though you're "older" and have kids. I've done both things (my son was born when I was 43, so I'm even "older" than you). There are many of us out here. I meet someone in the same position nearly every week. For me, I think that negative thinking is a sign of what's going on in my own head, not a sign of the real world. If you feel afraid or inadequate, you can always find a reason to support that. I'm impressed that you're an attorney -- what a great position to be in to support your kids! And to show them how to lead a strong life.
The more I learn, the more I see that the secret to finding a good partner is not committing all to the man in front of me, but leaving the damaged ones behind so I can find the healthy ones. The damaged ones really play with our heads, and our heads are already giving us the wrong message of "Try harder, if you only try harder you can make it work." If it were just a matter of trying hard, we'd all be in dream relationships with Prince Charming. I think really it's a matter of trying less hard on them, and harder on taking care of ourselves.
Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , go to another town if u have to , u need support , u cannot do this alone nor do u have to . And of course u can do this alone if living with a alcoholic or any addiction you have been alone for yrs u just didn't notice it . sad but true .Good luck your gonna be just fine . get the focus back on yourself and your needs . Anonymity is the basis of our program so it is a safe place to go to share whats going on , we use only first names and we are asked to not talk about what our proffessions and your absolutley right if you don't recover u will find another . ==== Louise
If you spend some time looking back and reading over the shares and discussions that have been made before yours you will become convinced of what has already been said. You are not alone and you are not unchangable. You will find the solutions in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups as had been suggested. Like many of us you have to stop doing what you're doing and learn something new and different with a consequence of peace of mind and serenity. What you have been doing doesn't work. The suggestions here of Al-Anon face to face meetings, the literature, Higher Power and others will work if you get to them and work them.
You are not alone...there are millions of others on this planet who will fit in your shoes at anytime and there are solutions.
I hope you continue to keep coming back to MIP and using this support. There is a life and a way of living it that you can have if you are willing to work for it.
What is wrong with you? Nothing, but the fact that yu are affected by the disease of addiction. The disease of addiction is a progressive disease. it gets worst if we do not work a program of recovery. Thats all.
Of course you can be a good mother and have a carreer. I realize it may not be your first choice, but reality is what it is. And you are just as capable as the next person. It is the disease that has you doubting your ability to cope with life on lifes terms and Al-Anon is here to help you with that.
Get to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps. You will be fine. Just keep coming back.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hi Wh y do you feel you have to have a man in your life to be complete and fulfilled? You are an educated woman and can take care of yourself and the children. I don't know who is your HP but there is this bible verse I use when I am fearful, desperate, and feel I don't have strenght to go on. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthneth me". You may be to dependent on the opposite sex to meet your needs. A man cannot do this for you and can smell a needy woman a mile away. He will take advantage of you every time. Your children really don't need to be exposed to any more drama. They can be happy and a great blessing if you concentrate on their needs instead of yours. Mr.Right might come along but if he doesn't you are better off single.
