I am moving past all the ambivalence all the stuff that kept me tied up with the A.  All the "ifs" "if onlys" the "why" even.  I am moving past to say I have had enough.  I can no longer take his actions.  I can no longer be made all the time to be the patsy to the consequences of his actions. I deserve more.

The place I live in currently besides being small, tiny really, is a hothouse.  When it is warm, as it is now I can barely breathe.  Normally I would be seething with resentment towards the A for the situation I am in. I no longer am. He is out of the picture. When I clean up this one last mess he will not be in my life anymore.  I will have no further contact with him.

I know it will kill me not to see my dogs anymore. I have had to pray about them and turn it all over to HP.  I doubt very much the A will take batterers counselling and without that there is no futher contact for me.  I also doubt he will give up substances after all he's been doing them his entire adult life.  I believe right now the project he is working on is the local bar.  He waited for that all summer. 

I'm no longer willing to center my life around the A.  Unfortunately for me right now in the clean up, in getting my truck, in sorting out the rent/landlord situation much of it is centered around his actions.  Nevertheless this is time limited and that is a great solace to me. There will be no more after this.

Maresie.