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Hi all. Its been a while since I have posted. I again went back to the A in my life. For I would say the 100th time I was wrong to do so. Why I do this I still don't know. Anyway, my A is now away. It sorta happened so fast this time. Usually in the past 6 years the down fall to the rock bottom (or what I think will be the rock bottom) is slow and I see it all happening in slow motion. But not this time. I began to stop seeing him and decided not to see him or his family (who constantly does him no good) over the holidays. Then about a week ago he called and was crying and said he was going away. I was at work so I couldn't talk and just said ok. And I actually had no other reaction inside then OK. I didn't cry or ask what I could do. I just found this overwhelming feeling of not caring. Anyway, he called later that night from his sponsors phone and said he couldn't get into anywhere so he was going to stay somewhere his sponsor knew of. I still have no real idea where this is or what it is. He is staying here until the 22nd where he will enter a 28 day program.
He keeps saying how this time he is going to bet better. How this time is different. He doesn't want me to leave and he wants me to believe him. He keeps talking about the future and all I keep thinking is yeah right. I don't believe this time is different than the other 4 times he went into programs. The only thing that is different is me. I am not as sad as I usually would be. I don't feel like I need to help and buy him clothes and other things. I haven't gone to visit him.. His birthday is this weekend and he wants me to come visit. Should I? THat's my huge question...should I even be talking to him? I do get very sad when we don't talk. I can only call him once a day, he can't call me. This kinda hurts because he's not there when I need him. Even though he never really was, he's not there to simply talk to. Which gets me mad and sad and we fight. I am not sad that I am not seeing him I am sad that we dont talk. Weird? Stupid?
I don't want to fight and hold him back if this time is actually for real. So what is the "usual" thing to do. I mean all the other times we didn't talk in the beginning of the 28 day program which I was usually extremely depressed. His sponsor thought I should stop talking to him but I don't know. Why can't I just finally walk away from someone who is away for a problem and admitted to me he has been also doing coccaine. Which I was totally shocked.
Another question? How do you live a life with an A after drinking? How do you live a life with someone who has betrayed you for 6 years? Does that feeling of always watching closely to see if he's been drinking that day go away? Should I even bother sticking by him to live with that thought in my head forever? Do you ever stop worrying?
I just wish I left him last time. That is my famous saying. I don't want to say that next time again. What's wrong with me. WHy can't I just not call and just walk away? I have friends,family, education, and a good job. What's wrong with me?
why can't ya stay away??? cuz you're human... just like the rest of us. us here, we try and try and try to keep doing the RIGHT things, but A's use our fears and our FEEELINGS to keep us in a relationship, on the POTENTIAL of what they could be... *sigh* sometimes, i felt like my wife said things to me... just enough... just sad enough, just hopeful enough.. to keep me doing the things i was doing (enabling). unfortunately, you and i are affected by the disease, also. so what do we do? what do we do about those FEEELINGS that keep us coming back?
we talk. we acknowledge the steps. i AM powerless over alcohol... then we continue to work on US. as ultimately, we are in charge of whether or not we're happy. (((daisy))) this isn't an easy thing that we are doing. we start feeeling our FEEELINGS. when you say, finally, that you don't care.. well, that is a big step... that is detachment.. that is PROGRESS. Hon, we are all allowed to make mistakes and screw up and say the wrong things and do things that don't help our situation -- but it is OUR recovery. we can't fix our wives, boyfriends, and such... all we can strive for is PROGRESS. Ask yourself, if you remember, what are your goals in life??? YOUR goals? are you living your dreams? Al-Anon has enabled me to see again. See life, see my dream.
I hope ya keep coming back and posting... that has helped me tremendously, as what i write, i also read -- my thoughts are a lot clearer on paper -- i can sort a lot of stuff out.
lots of love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
First...I can't answer your questions and tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't talk to him, visit for his birthday or why you've been unable to walk away. Heck - I couldn't either! Nice to meet you, it appears we're on the same train!
You wrote "...I don't want to fight and hold him back if this time is actually for real..."
I cannot read this line and not respond. There are many, many things going through my head over this. I know that all the times my AH said he was 'quitting' but didn't succeed was in no way, shape, form or fashion my fault. We could have fought like cats and dogs or been more calm than a lake looking like a mirror - and the result would have been the same. I read here recently: Nothing changes if nothing changes. This is very similar to a phrase someone else once told me....Do what you've always done, get what you've always gotten. This is quite true in nearly every aspect of our lives. If I bake something and use 2x the amount of flour called for - it is going to turn out horrible. If I don't change the amount of flour....it will always be horrible!
To quote what has been said to me and many others numerous times...you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it! You can though...remember YOU. I think we often forget ourselves - who we are, what we want, what makes us happy, what we enjoy. I didn't even realize for the most part that I was not happy - I was positively and completely miserable. I was being bled dry by an emotional vampire and at the end of it all - there wasn't anything left of me....For me.
I am wishing for you the strength to make these decisions for yourself and carry forward in a manner that you choose. Please come back!! MIP has been a wonderful place for me - throughout my absences and upon my returns...
The answers to all of your "what is wrong with me" questions are the same for most everyone on this board..... You are deeply enmeshed in a disease, lifestyle, anc cycle, that is incredibly hard to break.... There are ways to "break the chain", and they typically involve finding some kind of serenity and recovery for YOU. Al-Anon is typically a great starting point, as is reaching out here, talking with people, and most of all.... learning to love yourself.
I think, from afar, most of us had those biases coming in..... I think I had always believed that alcoholism, and even the ability to deal "with" alcoholics (i.e. us Al-Anons), always was for "other people", and that I was either too good, too educated, too capable, etc., to need help.... The reality was, by far, that I was no different than the rest of us.... Certainly no better, and certainly no worse....
Alcoholism, and all it's "fangs" to people around it, truly IS too much for most of us to handle without help.... Good for you in taking the positive steps to posting here, etc.... There are lots of paths of recovery for you, should you choose to want to get off this rollercoaster ride. Al-Anon is an awesome starting point. The group here can recommend awesome books to help you along your way - whatever works for you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The short answer to "why can't I just walk away?" is that you are getting something from the relationship. I don't know what it is, and you probably don't know either, but if you were to examine how you felt the last time you took him back, maybe with the help of a sponsor, or counselor, you might be able to see what it is. Just as a for instance, if the main motivation is just that you are lonely, well, there are ways to stop being lonely that don't hurt you. You could try using some of them - reaching out to others, getting involved with alanon and in other communities.....
It's not easy to do this soul searching, but if you find yourself often doing things that are not in your own best interests, it's worth it. A fourth step inventory is a good place to start.
