The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi my name is Heather and I am new to this message board thing. I have been in search of some release from my husband that is an addict. He hasn't drank or used for just about 2 years, but acts in rage at times; like he used to when he drank. I know it isn't my fault but when he is yelling I can't but think I am some of the problem.
We have a 4 year old son named Landon. I am just worried Landon will follow in the same foot steps. He looks up to my husband, Terry, and I worry he or I will get hurt one of these days. Terry grew up with his whole family using and had followed the same steps. He has been in and out of prison and now has finally found a good job. He attends meetings when he isn't at work but if he doesn't then he is full of hate and irritations. He knows he is like this but seems not to do much about it.
I am feeling frustrated and not knowing if we should still be in the same house. He is difficult to talk to. I bottle all my emotions and feelings inside me. I guess I am just looking for some one to talk to that can relate.
Welcome to MIP. You have come to the right place. What you described is the fact that addiction is part of a disease, and using is just a symptom. He is still fighting the rest of the symptoms of the disease.
As to your safety... if you feel you and your child may be in danger. You should seriously consider that. What options are out there for you, cause there are always options.
Many of us have been where you are, and we are here for you. Keep coming back, keep posting and consider finding some meetings for yourself, they can be very enriching.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hope that you will find the help & friendship that we have been privileged to enjoy. Like Rtexas said you have options - you have choices - remember you can do what is best for you & your son. Having a Plan B is a good option - when your H is in a ranting mood - can you leave the home? Go to another room? Go visit with a trusted friend? Take your son to a park? Distance yourself from the situation until he has time to cool down?
Please keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them!!
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome to the MIP group. This is a great place for venting your frustrations, fears, and disappointments with A'ism. A'ism is a family disease and you have good reasons to be concerned for your son, but the good news is there is Alanon that can help you to cope with the affects of this disease. As you learn new tools, you can teach your son. You have no control over how your husband chooses to behave, but you do have control over how you choose to respond or react. There are alternatives like the others said. My A does not have very good coping skills. He handles opposition with defense and anger. I am learning to distance myself from it. I have young children as well. When their Dad gets like that, we leave the home or go into another room and get busy with other things. I think my A feels hurt at that time for something I've said or done. He's angry maybe that he hasn't gotten his way, so he's learned to manipulate with anger and rage. He's learned to hurt others in the same way he's hurting. Keep coming back, this program does work if you work it. We are here for you too.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thank you for the advice. I am trying to leave when he gets upset so my son doesn't see him like that. It is hard for me as a women that he can blow up and then act like nothing is the matter. I know men are like on and off switches and it doesn't help he is an addict. He tells me he is going to go to meetings all weekend so I just hope he will stick to his word because when he goes to meetings he feels good and we can actually talk about things.
Thank you for responding to me. I feel comforted when people care and will talk about things that I don't feel comfortable talking to my own family. I have been thinking about leaving for even a weekend and let him know I need a few days to think on my own and for him to think about himself. I am feeling better already just talking to you on the message board. I think this will help a lot.
I've only been here a few days and this board has helped immeasureably. Face to face Al-Anon meetings will help, too. You are not alone..remember that. Come here often, we are all waiting to help...especially me.
Hi again, thank you. I have been taking Landon places when things get out of hand and I always let him know his daddy loves him. I know he loves me but his disease gets in the way. It is hard when I grew up in such a loving caring family and he didn't know how that felt. I know he has come a long way but it feels like an never ending road to come. I try to not stress out as much but sometimes it gets the best of me. Hope to hear from you again. Thanks for the hugs well needed!!
It feels good that I know I can come here and people are eager to listen to ME and not tell me what I am feeling. I plan on coming here daily like a devotion. Talk to you later.
Your husband sounds somewhat typical of a person relatively newly sober/clean, in that he is acting like a "dry drunk". He may not be using, but he is still showing many of the old behaviors associated with it...
One of the things that we end up having to learn, is to change our focus OFF of them, and onto ourselves.... What are you doing for YOU (and for your boy)? What things make you happy, and help you feel better..... Do you take care of your needs? These are tough things to (honestly) answer sometimes, but an important part of us getting better is choosing recovery for ourselves. Sometimes the marriages will work out, sometimes they will not.... Sometimes the A's will relapse, sometimes they will not....
The only thing you can control is how much you do for you, and for Landon.... Read books, share your thoughts, and your path will get better..... Al-Anon can still help you, even though he isn't still using.... you are still being affected by his disease....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
