The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the forum and new to reaching out for help. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do or if i'm making the right decisions.
Background:
I've been married for 6 years to my wife, and have been together with her for 10. I'm 31 and she's 29. We spent our 20's partying every weekend, and working all week without issue. I'm a consultant so i'm away every week and have been for 6 years. 2 years ago, my wife started drinking during the week while i was away. Going to bars with her sister, getting banged up, and having to call their mother to pick them up. 1.5 years ago, her twin sister DIED from a bad mix of pills and booze. It was devistating on my wife, myself, and everyone else.
My wife, continued to drink, but instead of bars, she would go into liquor stores and buy cheap bottles of vodka and consume them immediately. 2 dui's later, I asked her to quit her job and get some help. She went to re-hab successfully and hit 37 days...then relapsed 3 times in 1 week. Sent her back to rehab, she came out, and made it 23 days, and relapsed again.
And again, and again, and again. She would go to meetings and go to the liquor store afterwards. She no longer has a license so she would take the bus, get so hammared that she didn't know where she was, and myself (if i was in town) or her mother, would have to somehow find her downtown (big city) and get her home safe, trying to avoid an arrest or embarrassment.
3 Drunk and Disorderly's later, and about 300 promises of "I'll never do it again. I'm done", here we are. For well over a year, i've been threating, "Do it again, and your out. I'm too old for this. Another woman would treat me better. Wouldn't lie to me like you do every other day, etc"
Last week, she drank 4 days straight and lied about it over the phone to me and to her mother, only to find this cheap crappy booze empty bottles hidden all over the house.
I've been putting it off for a long time, and not sure if I wanted to make this decision.
But I did. I kicked her out. I told her that I can no longer handle or want to handle all the worrying, and fine paying, and sleepless nights that she causes me. She is staying with her Mom (who I hate to inconvience) with this problem (my active drinking wife).
Please tell me if I did the right thing?? Please help me. I'm raised Catholic and feel extremely horrible about doing this, "Sickness and Health", etc. But I really think that the only way she will get clean is if she loses something else, ie ME. I guess a License, House Arrest, car, job, sense of worth is not enough to lose to get clean.
I do want her back, I do want her healthy. I want her to succeed. Did I do the right thing?
I've never been to an Al-Anon meeting but have been reading the message boards to help me with this decision. And I think i made the right one, but I need some confirmation from experienced members.
Welcome exausted , your in the right place . I hope u try our program Al-Anon meetings will help alot . We often suggest giving our prog 6 months before making life altering decissions like leaving a marriage. Then u can make a decisson not based on frustration and anger . You will know when the time is right making an informed decission rather than an emotional one. This is a disease and nothing u do works cause it's her problem to solve has nothing to do with you , it affects you but it's not yours to fix .
A's need enablers to continue doing what thier doing , we believe thier lies , we cover up thier rotten behavior and make excuses to family and friends were so busy keeping the secret we actually are helping them drink, and that ticked me right off !! hehe When we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves things change pretty quick . Al-Anon will change your life for the better so really hope u go to meetings for yourself. good luck Louise
Here is the toll free international number for info on meetings near you 1-888-4alanon
goodluck , and don't give up hope there is always hope
You have every right to look after yourself. You too are worthy of care. Unfortunately your wife is sick but you cannot cure it, you did not cause it and you cannot control it. I know how you are feeling. I had to do the same thing with my brother last year. It was horrible. Keep posting. This board is great. It will help you get some perspective on this. You are in my prayers.
Are you alone?.... no. Together 18 years, married 14, social drinkers for years, me a propeller headed computer nerd, her deciding to hit the bars with her friends for excitement, turns like magic to drinking every single day for the last 6 years.
Did you do the right thing? There is no right or wrong here. The idea is to push the chaos to the side so you can settle down and make those life decissions with a clear head.
We won't tell you you did it wrong.... no matter what you do. We will share what experience we have and stories of strength and hope.
This is a cunning and baffling disease as you have learned. There are many stories told at AA meetings that say "until I hit rock bottom, and lost everything I cared about... I didn't need help, I was drinking just fine."
Alanon will help you understand what you are up against. I too love my wife and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her... but I am not willing to live with lies and irresponsablity and having her actively drinking herself to death every day and blaming me and the kids for it.
I hope that changes, but until it does I need to take care of what I can... Me and the kids.
I hope you will keep coming back, and keep posting. It is very healing to talk with people who know exactly where you have been. A face to face meeting would be a great idea.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to our family, - Hate that you have been affected by this disease, but glad that you are seeking help for yourself.
That is what we are here for - to get help for ourselves. Please keep reaching out, reading info, posting & possibly try attending an Al-Anon meeting (on-line or f2f).
Miracles do happen - don't give up before your miracle happens - You deserve to be Happy, Joyous & Free.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You have come to the right place to gain insight and wisdom about this disease. This program has taught me that its not selfish to take care of myself. My A is sick, he has choices to make about his actions and behaviors; whether he chooses to drink or use again that is within his control not mine. I am learning to live my life happy regardless of whether he continues using or not. My life is too precious to spend all my energy and time worrying about him or fixing his mess. Only you can be the judge of whether you did the right thing or not. If you have peace and allow her to sink as low as she needs to, she might find sobriety again and make it stick. There might be several relapses before she commits to a new way of life. Keep coming back, post, and maybe get to a face to face meeting. You are not alone, we won't give advice or tell you how to make decisions because its different for everyone. What works for one of us may not work for the rest of us, but each of us has something special to contribute. Hang in there.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
I'll pray that you don't continue to feel guilty -- that was my road for a long time -- but then I started finding 'what was best for my wife' was for her to find bottom. that meant I had to also kick her out of the home, for her and for my sanity. it meant that there has to be consequences for the actions SHE chose. it means that i have to continue setting boundaries and then I, me, CJ, has to enforce them. I go to as many meetings as I can -- even while I keep working close to 60 hrs a week, and dealing with the legal-separation... it is what I need to do for me. I go about 4 days a week, to get support, sanity, strength and hope.
I was also brought up Catholic, but the addiction she has will kill her, and can kill me, too. You are doing some excellent things by what you said. By kicking her out, it says, "I will not continue to let you destroy our lives."
You probably won't be able to convince her that you are doing what is best for her. She lives in a different reality. She is living her addiction -- what you can do is keep learning more about the addiction, the recovery process, and take care of you so that anxiety and stress (i know full well what 3 hrs of sleep, for months at a time, are like) get lesser.
Keep coming back, my friend, and keep posting.
yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I'm new to the boards but a long time, very grateful Alanon member. I hope you've had the opportunity to read the Alanon literature. For me, that single act allowed me to breath. It showed me so clearly that my situation, like yours, was not unique. In fact, you could have plugged my name and my spouses name right in to most of what I read. The years of shame and frustration and... exhaustion were all so unnecessary...the fights and attempts to control so futile.
I know you're coming from a confused place within your mind, heart and emotions - it all gets to be too much. But please know that you have every right to draw boundries to protect yourself (real ones, firm ones, ones that you will actually act upon as you have this time). Its not mean or retaliating. Most human beings have boundries and you should too. Because I too had gone through years of similar behavior and had become very well trained in the care and feeding of my alcoholic, setting boundries almost felt like I was lashing out or punishing him and it seemed wrong. So to get me through (the restraining orders, removing him from the bank accounts, etc.) in my mind, I thought 'I'm setting these boundries in sand, just for today. If I need or decide to make them permanent, I'll just add water and they'll be concrete.' It got me through.
I hope you can attend in-person meetings. Takes a little courage to walk in the door but I assure you we've all been there.
Thoughts and prayers and wishes for many sane nights,
Hi Exhausted, Welcome to alanon and it is the place for you I believe. Step 1: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. You certainly sound like you want your life to become more sane and manageable, and alanon can help with that if you're willing to work at it.
So sorry for your pain, and prayers for your A wife .
