The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but things are so sad at home. My boyfriend is not doing well and it hurts my heart to see him. He hasn't been sober for an entire day since Christmas. I know that doesn't really seem like such a long time, but it feels like forever. Once every three or four days I will see him sober for a few hours, and things are great (when sober, he is quite fun and kind and funny), and I try to get as much good, quality time in as I can, because a few hours later, that person is gone and alcohol has taken over and then there are no good times. He is on strong meds for anxiety and muscle contractions, so even the tiniest amount of alcohol blacks him out now (not like he ever drinks just a tiny amount) and he can't speak or walk, but he can crawl and mumble incoherently. My evenings now are spent reading this board (and I thank my higher power every day for helping me find this) and trying to ignore him crawling around the house (occasionally bumping into things and hurting himself) and mumbling nasty things about me. Those things I can live with, I think. The hardest part is when he's not quite to that point yet and he can still think and feel something other than hate. Then he's just so sad. Then he talks about how much he hates his life like this and really DOES want to stop and he knows how to get help and he asks why does he keep doing this. And he just cries as if his heart were breaking, which I'm sure it is, because I know mine is. But he doesn't stop, and he doesn't get help, he just keeps doing it. So I guess he hasn't hit his bottom yet, but WOW, I wish he would. I know I need to be focusing on me, but it's hard with that going on! I went to my first f2f last Sunday and it was great. I'm going to keep going to as many as I can and I know they will help. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me. I just though of something to be thankful for; with him in his zombie-like state, I don't have to worry about him doing too much damage to anything other than himself (he used to throw and break things when he was drinking). My house is actually somewhat calm right now. Sad, but calm.
It is indeed so so sad to watch the ones we love battle with this destructive illness. I know it's hard to remember that he is actually locked in by this illness. He may not be able to make the choices that we deem so sensible.
When I was in your position, I realised eventually that I had to hand it over to my HP. It was all I could do. I was powerless over this disease, as we all are. I know how hard this is for you and I also know that in your own time you will find the strength and courage to do whatever is right for you.
I will pray for you both. I hope you keep coming back and sharing how you are getting on.
My heart is breaking for you. I know, too well how horrible it is to watch the one you love suffer and have no control over this disease. Please keep going to your f2f and YES this board has saved me so many countless times I cannot tell you. Keep your focus on yourself right now and try to just do things that make you happy. I know it is so so hard especially when you live with the person. I know the feeling of seeing them cry and cry and knowing that they are so miserable and want to change, but he hasn't reached his bottom yet. Please take care of you and focus on you.
My husband is now almost 2 1/2 months sober. It was a horrible horrible year last year, same as you, I watched him just fall further and further. He was a total mess, unemployed, I was taking care of everything. I was so ready to just get out of the relationship, but was at my wits' end. This program helped me so much to stay focused and to take care of me. I learned and grew so much you wouldn't believe it. I can't say that things are perfect now, still growing and still learning. My A got a third DUI so really didn't quit drinking by choice, but seems to be doing okay. I still have a lot of hurt and betrayal, anger issues with him.
The point is, this program will save your life. If you feel like you are so sad, so insane, that you are truly losing it, please please please come back here, read many many things, connect with others that are in your same situation. You will feel better, eventually. It took me quite a while, but you will. Also, read, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. It saved me tremendously, and is the bible for me for dealing with this disease.
You can HEAL, and learn to love yourself, and love your A with compassion and grace through this disease. I will pray for you, thank you for coming here....
I know. There is nothing more painful than seeing somebody you love in pain. They just seem to sit there and give up, letting their soul waste away.
I also frequently heard my husband speak of needing to quit, knowing that it was damaging our family, and on and on he would go.... I wanted to shake the living hell out him and scream 'Don't you get it? Only YOU can stop this!!!!!!!'
But I left the house instead. For a while, my higher power bacame the eliptical machine at my gym. I could not stay home each evening and see this happen, so I hit the gym 4 nights a week. I lost 25 pounds, and I have to say I was looking pretty damn good!!!
Anyway, that's not the point....or maybe it is? Anyway, you'll get through this. Maybe you'll discover the opportunity to take a language class you've always wanted to learn, or a pottery class.. anything but watching him get drunk!!!!!
